Charity and hatred...a daily choice

More from Lewis...this time on "charity":

"Do not waste time bothering whether you 'love' your neighbor; act as if you did. As soon as we do this we find one of the great secrets. When you are behaving as if you loved someone, you will presently come to love him."  

(And I believe Lewis is referring to REALLY acting as if you love someone; not doing it to make yourself look better or to jump through some hoop. It means thinking of them first.) 

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"This same spiritual law works terribly in the opposite direction. The Germans, perhaps, at first ill-treated the Jews because they hated them; afterwards they hated them much more because they had ill-treated them. The more cruel you are, the more you will hate; the more you hate, the more cruel you will become--and so on in a vicious cycle for ever.
"Good and evil both increase at compound interest. That is why the little decisions you and I make every day are of such infinite importance. The smallest good act today is the capture of a strategic point from which, a few months later, you may be able to go on to victories you never dreamed of."

 

Divorce and Marriage

C.S. Lewis had some deep thoughts on these subjects, in "Mere Christianity":

 The Christian idea of marriage is based on Christ's words that a man and wife are to be regarded as a single organism--for that is what the words 'one flesh' would be in modern English.  And the Christians believe that when He said this He was not expressing a sentiment but stating a fact....The monstrosity of sexual intercourse outside marriage is that those who indulge in it are trying to isolate one kind of union (the sexual) from all the other kinds of union which were intended to go along with it and make up the total union. 
As a consequence, Christianity teaches that marriage is for life.  They regard divorce as something like cutting up a living body, as a kind of surgical operation.  Some thing the operation so violent that it cannot be done at all; others admit it as a desperate remedy in extreme cases.  They are all agreed that it is more like having both your legs cut off than it is like dissolving a business partnership or even deserting a regiment.

Divorce, even when considered necessary, is painful.  All would agree on that, I believe, and just like in this kind of operation Lewis compares it to, the side effects and long term ramifications can be tragic and hard.  My heart goes out to those considering or in that situation!

Putting the matter of divorce aside, let's move forward to Lewis's beautiful thoughts on marriage and love:

What we call 'being in love' is a glorious state, and, in several ways, good for us.  It helps to make us generous and courageous, it opens our eyes not only to the beauty of the beloved but to all beauty...Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing.  There are many things below it, but there are also things above it.  You cannot make it the basis of a whole life.  It is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling.  now no feeling can be relied on to last in its full intensity, or even to last at all.  Knowledge can last, principles can last, habits can last; but feelings come and go.  

And in fact, whatever people say, the state called ' being in love' usually does not last.  If the old fairy-tale ending 'They lived happily ever after' is taken to mean 'They felt for the next fifty years exactly as they felt the day before they were married,' then it says what probably never was nor ever would be true, and would be highly undesirable if it were. Who could bear to live in that excitement for even five years?  What would become of your work, your appetite, your sleep, your friendships?   

But of course ceasing to be 'in love' need not mean ceasing to love. Love in this second sense--love as distinct from 'being in love'--is not merely a feeling.  It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God.  They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other; as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself.  They can retain this love...'Being in love' first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise.  It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it."

Each Fracture Tells a Story

Earlier this month we took a trip to Watkins Glen.  It was amazing.


I walked along in awe, feeling peace suffuse me.

At one point in our hike, the kids had wandered ahead or strayed behind and I found myself alone. "How I wish I could capture this moment in art," I mused, trying to soak in the beauty so I could take it with me.

You can do it with words, a voice inside me whispered.

Reaching inside the backpack, I found the token book I carry with me always ("just in case"...just ask Quinn about backpacking and "Les Miserables" :), lol!).  This time, it was "Mere Christianity" and I opened the cover, quickly scribbling down the words that came to mind.

In front of me, a information sign-board read, "every fracture tells a story," and this phrase sent my thoughts spinning in a direction I didn't foresee:

Each fracture tells a story, 
Revealing the beauty that lies beneath
The Water of Life, Living Water, cuts and grinds
Carrying away debris and life

Millions come
To gain inspiration
To gain rest

All from the fractures and their untold stories that
Reveal the beauty that lies beneath.

I looked at the ground above,...you can see it in the picture above: lush and green forested area.  I thought of how many times I have relished such scenes back here in the east and then thought, "but if it weren't for the erosion by the water and the falling away of the fractures, we would have missed all this that lay beneath the forest."

How often in my own life do I look around and love the beauty that is my life, the calm, peaceful forest? And how often do I protest when God says lovingly, gently, "My daughter, this is good; but there is so much more that lies beneath."

I thought about the fractures in my life: depression, the death of my son, my imperfections and blunders in relationships, heart ache, betrayal, misunderstanding and saw them in new light.  The fractures in this glen lend almost magical beauty to the ravine, with life growing along the sides in lush profusion.   The water that slowly, gently curves its way through the bottom sculpted new treasures in the rock, creating bends and twists that unfold delights to the traveler at every turn.

True, what lay above was beautiful...
...but what lay beneath was breath-taking.

Is this true with me? Do my trials, my imperfections, my fractures also make me beautiful?  As I struggled with a particular situation last week, the impression came to my mind, "This is Me, my daughter.  We are uncovering a new depth within you.  It may be painful and rocky and thick, but it is a layer that must go."  This layer was self-pity, selfishness, and it is thick and painful to "wear through"!

How interesting it is that, when filled with the memory and peace of that ravine, God can use that comparison to give me peace in change, peace in refinement, and perspective of what may come.

I thought of all of us and how drab and monotonous it would become if we were all peaceful fields,...or even if we were all ravines.  We each have our own soil, our own composition, our own potential landscape, whether it is ground pushed up to the heavens to create mountains, soft rolling hills, stark deserts or inspiring ravines.  Not everyone will desire the beauty that is revealed and not everyone will be equipped or make the effort to enjoy the unique beauty that is ours...


Each fractures tells a story and there is eternity to tell it.

How does God show His love?

EPIPHANY!

When it rained on my birthday, I used to tell my friend, my dear Sister Rausch, that it was a sign that "I was His favorite." Whenever we noticed amazing blessings or happy things, we would comment, "See? I am His favorite!"

Yesterday, I got some bad news. For some reason, even though I ordered the countertops back in August, it will still take two and a half more weeks before I get a sink and countertops on these gorgeous cabinets recently set up in my kitchen. I know that I am blessed, but sometimes it can be so darn hard to focus on that and not whine!


Well, back to the "epiphany": this morning I was reading in my scriptures about the children of Israel being selected IN the furnace of affliction. It hit me, "Maybe my TRIALS are a sign that 'I am His favorite'?"

 

Hmmm...powerful. I think it might be true.
It would definitely help me stop whining as much.  Maybe that is what Paul realized when he said, "Bring on the affliction!"

From Anger to Healing? Here's hoping!

Conference was awesome.  I feel like I had my cup filled to overflowing with inspiration and direction, with so many personal messages!

However, as seems to happen so often to me after a spiritual high, I hit bottom that week.  It was ugly!  Looking back, I can see so much that I learned but, boy, was it awful to go through!  Looking back, I can see that I asked one of those "fateful" questions...and got my answer.  You know, like praying for patience? Warning!  Never do that unless you want to get answered!!  Know how you develop patience?  Practicing. It can be brutal.

My fateful question was one from conference.  A speaker challenged us to pray for that one thing that we need to work on.  So I did, feeling spiritually comfortable and safe.  The funny thing is that I asked it kind of hesitantly, in the peace of the moment, and then put it in the back of my mind.

Apparently, I need to work with my anger issues.

I used to be a screamer and haven't done it for quite some time.  It was one of those huge spiritual, epic battles...or maybe more one of submission, where God and I worked together for a very long time to put my anger at my kids where it should be: nowhere.  I used to feel that in order to be effective, my correction had to be backed with "steam," like they had to feel the weight of my disapproval to make them listen more effectively.

All that did was make them feel unloved.  The Spirit was already working on their hearts.  They just needed some verbal reproof, encouragement, and then freedom to try again. I love the following quote by the late President Packer:

It is essential for a teacher to understand that people are basically good.  It is essential to know that their tendancy is to do the thing that is right.   Such exalted thought is productive of faith.  It makes all the difference when we stand before...to teach."

I keep this thought on the front of my mentoring notebook where I keep my thoughts about current mentoring methods, ideas, kids' needs, etc.  Many times I find that I mentor my children out of fear: fear of my own imperfect example, fear that I might say or do something wrong to "permanently ruin" them, fear of their behaviors turning into addictions or creating long-term problems.  This idea of inner goodness and good tendancies is a beautiful one and one that I know is true.   As I have corrected my children more in a way that suggests I am merely reminding them of something they would already want to do and perhaps had forgotten, it awakens in them more of a geniune and immediate desire to listen and consider what I have said.

Anyway, I digress :).  Back to being a screamer...

Well, I was a screamer and am now many days "scream-free." (Yes, it is an addiction and I celebrate my freedom from it!)  However, I have learned this week in painful ways another level of my anger that is destructive...I get angry at people I love.  I don't know what it is, or why I do it. I have been thinking about that the last few days.  The safer I feel with someone, the less I try and hold back my irritation at anything.

And it can really flare up (especially when I am tired)! 

Poor people who love me and who have given me that safety net...a net of love that I have used and abused over the years!  How horrible! Now, I realize when I write this in such a public venue, I may be exposing myself to misunderstanding and censure.  However, I feel that maybe, by writing about it this way, I can help others who may feel the same.  I am definitely not perfect, but that is one reason why I have this blog,...to have a place to record my learnings, growings and stretchings.

After a harrowing week last week and some very humbling exposure and revelation, I felt pretty raw. This morning I got another little reminder: I was reading in 1 Nephi 18 when Nephi and his brothers were sailing on the ship and guess who got mad?  And easily?  And at those who loved them?  Yep...Laman and Lemuel, not my heroes.  It was a little eye-opening, the parallels between their attitude and mine.  Gulp. 

Now...this is just the next step: my own little personal revelation for where I need to change and how I can be closer to Christ.  How I can have a better marriage.  How I can be kinder and better to those I love.   Sometimes one of the biggest steps is to recognize the problem so you can work on it.

However,  Quinn and I had a great conversation last night in which he suggested something Kirk Duncan (a motivational writer and presenter) recommends: journaling and venting.  He talks about it in a CD called "The Field."
 
Basically, you keep two journals, a "black" one for all the garbage you just vent with and a "white" one for things you don't mind sharing with others.  The black one you just keep and write in and let it out.  Similar idea with the venting: you find a place that is your "field," and go and verbalize out loud all your concerns and problems, going through conversations or sentiments you would have with those you are struggling with...and let it go.

I am tired of being a Laman and Lemuel.  Time to try on some Nephi :).