Waiting, Waiting...

Waiting is for the birds
I hear them go "tweet, tweet"
I'd rather hold a baby
So soft and squishy sweet

So I walk and walk and walk some more
And do some cleaning too
Just waiting for this little one
To come and join our crew

Eleven other times I've had
This time that "never ends"
It just doesn't get easier
Each time we round this bend

Pretending not to care is hard...
My soul feels stretched so thin
As I feel the squirm and tight'ning
Of this world beneath my skin

Waiting, waiting, waiting...
I guess I'll wait some more
There really is not other choice;
'Least cuteness is in store!

This week I drove to the hospital thinking I might be in labor.  No, after 11 pregnancies I still don't know.

Another thing that hasn't changed after 11 blessed healthy deliveries is my sense of anticipation. I think it is a wonder that this process of birth never gets old. In fact, I have been thinking about how it has changed:
-my comprehension of how quickly they change, minute to minute, after they are born.  Those first moments are so precious!
-my appreciation of being front row seat to yet another amazing human being coming into physical existence, watching personality, lessons, successes, failures
-my understanding about how deep and comprehensive grace and God's love for my children is--that I can mess up pretty badly and somehow they still turn out pretty great
Many people already have these perspectives when first time parents.  Looking back so much has changed from my new parent perspective and I am grateful.

And super excited.

And disappointed when the contractions seem to do nothing. :(

And amused when people call me an "old hand."

I can only imagine how the anticipation grows and deepens as we begin to have children without number like our Father.  The faith in their ability--their inner genius--, the assurance of how love can endure the hardest of trials, the joy in their victories and discoveries.

Convergent Messages About Helicopter Parenting

I have always struggled with following through.  Something about that last stage of commitment is so challenging!

I pray for inspiration in homeschooling, personal spiritualiy, personal studies...and then get distracted :).  I tell my kids I will commit to something and then the schedule gets "out of control" and we don't do it.  Or I tell friends and family...same thing.

This last month it has come to the forefront more frequently as I participate in the "Thomas Jefferson for Teens" 22 day "Real You" challenge.  Each day we ask ourselves an introspective question and take a day (or two) to answer it.  Distraction, integrity and commitment have all come to the forefront as challenges I face.  It has been pretty cool to see the patterns and recognize them for what they are.

Even last night, I was reading in a book about visiting teaching and in it, in a hypothetical situation, Joseph Smith was addressing a group of spirits in a pre-earth life scenario, telling them the challenges that they would face.  After sharing his own peers' challenges of being driven from their homes, losing their virtue and their lives to their enemies and being slandered, he turns to a group of individuals from our day and warns that our trial will be prosperity and peace. "You will let yourself get distracted."  That was the key of the message.

He refers to a situation in which a visiting General Authority tells a group to get ready to leave for Jackson County, Missouri at 5 am the next morning.  He warns that only 4 out of 10 will consider it and only 1 will actually go. "You will say...

"If I hear it from the prophet himself, then I will go."

"I have strawberries that are ripe.  I will hurry and get those on and then do head out."

"He can't mean me. I have my mother to take care of and am not very strong myself."

"John can't possibly get work off for at least another week."

The book is about visiting teaching and not putting off our responsibility to reach out, administer, serve and love in the Lord's way, but it hit a chord with me.

I was getting super discouraged last week about my lack of consistency with my kids' scholastic and nurturing needs on a basic level.  I took time to look at the schedule I felt inspired to put up at the beginning of the year, prayed about whether it was still applicable or if it needed some tweaking, and took a deep breath and felt some peace.  I do have an inspired plan and I can trust it.  My son Kel said that one thing he has learned is the rewards of following an inspired schedule.

I think my inner feistiness runs so deep that if anyone including myself tells me what to do, I tend to fight it :D.

So, referring to the "convergence" in the title, I also picked up my reading for the "Mentoring in the Classics" class I am taking online.  The book is "Understood Betsy" and is a refreshing look at parenting.  It takes a look at parenting the "non-helicopter" way, to put it simply.  I tend to hover and worry about my kids when really, they need some freedom and some confidence in their ability to take on problems, figure them out, struggle through failure and succeed.

It was interesting that I also came across a letter I saved from Tova.  It was written shortly before she left on her mission:

"Thanks for the wonderful year, Mom!  You've allowed me to step out and take more control over how my life is going to turn out.  Though you've given me the chance to make mistakes, you've always been there for me to talk to and to get love from."

One tenet of the TJEd Education philosophy I always struggle to incorporate is "You, Not Them."  I see danger in immersing myself so deeply in my own projects and studies that my children are left feeling less important than "Mom's current project."  I know there is balance required and constant evaluation.  The spirit of the application needs to be two ideas combined:
#1 My child has an inner drive to succeed and will rise to it...even without my help and perhaps even better without my help.
#2 My overall focus in my studies and life's mission will always include my children.

I have a quote up in my bathroom that I refer to often. It is actually more of a historical selection from an article about one of my heroes, Marjorie Hinckley.

Gordon and Marjorie established a home of love, mutual respect, hard work, and gospel living. Daily family prayer provided a window for the children to see their parents’ faith and love. As the family prayed together, the children also sensed the nearness of their Father in Heaven.

The Hinckley home was a place of few rules but great expectations. Marjorie spoke about things that were not worth a battle. Describing a parenting approach that she shared with her husband, she said: “I learned that I needed to trust my children, so I tried to never say no if I could possibly say yes. When we were raising a family, it was a matter of getting through every day and having a little fun along the way. As I could see that I wasn’t going to be able to make all of my children’s decisions anyway, I tried not to worry about every little thing.”³⁵ As a result of their parents’ trust, the children felt respected and gained experience and confidence. And when the answer was no, the children understood that it was not an arbitrary restriction.

Few rules but great expectations.  I am excited to try and trust the Spirit more, make less excuses and just act on my inspired lists.  I am excited to see what my children accomplish as I hand over more and more of the ownership of their life's choices in (hopefully!) an inspired way, one that shows love and support and confidence in their own abilities.

Humorously, a song is going through my head:
"Take a deep breath, pick yourself up, dust yourself off...and start all over again!"  :D

Thanks, Frank Sinatra!

Too Much "Good, Better, Best"-ing

I felt I should post this from my personal journal.  Maybe someone else out there can learn from my journey.

Oooooh.  I am super discouraged.

I did one of the TJEd for Teens 22 days of questions and one was: do I approve of myself?  It has led me to deep pondering and I have realized that I doubt pretty much every decision I make every day at the deepest level.  I believe I have the deep assumption that: If I decided to do something, it must be wrong.  Or bad.

Maybe it is because I relive my mistakes in my mind over and over again and beat myself up for making bad decisions.  This process has the underlying reinforcement that I made a bad choice and am therefore a bad person.

I see it manifest in things like: when I pray and get a decision and make a schedule, I ignore it.  I am always second-guessing decisions that are made, seeking that elusive "best" option.  I am just plain hesitant to act.  I feel threatened by changes in schedule and when my kids question what our schedule is and if it will work.

I don't trust myself to get inspiration.  To truly know what is best. I continually doubt that.  Even as I act, I doubt, doubt, doubt.

I feel that there is always someone, somewhere who could do what I am doing better.

I let people down...regularly.

I think that writing this, recognzing these thought patterns of mine, is important, but shouldn't be dwelt upon.  If I do, I am just deepening that well-walked pathway in my mind.  Time for some positive "bride-building" of good synapses in my psyche.

I make good decisions.
I know how to trust God.
I know how to determine what is the best course.
God's mercy and the Atonement and grace of Christ all combine to make the best out of what I have to offer and that is enough.
When I make a choice, I can look back at it and benefit from it.
I act on what I feel inspired to do and can feel peace about it.

Kurt Duncan does entire series of lectures of creating positive energy and mindsets in our lives and this is one things he emphasized: replacing negative mantras with positive ones....even if you don't believe them or they seem outright lies.  Chances are, he says, that the negative statements we have been telling ourselves are equally false.

As I struggle to move forward in the face of my inner doubts and discouragement, I also tried out what I always tell me students in Seminary to do...pray and read my scriptures.

The prayer, I think, led me to this process of writing.  And "coincidentally" for our scripture reading for seminary, we are on Nephi's lament or "psalm":

2 Nephi 4:17 Nevertheless, notwithstanding the great goodness of the Lord, in showing me his great and marvelous works, my heart exclaimeth: O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities.

18 I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me.

19 And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.

20 My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.

21 He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh.

22 He hath confounded mine enemies, unto the causing of them to quake before me.

23 Behold, he hath heard my cry by day, and he hath given me knowledge by visions in the night-time.

24 And by day have I waxed bold in mighty prayer before him; yea, my voice have I sent up on high; and angels came down and ministered unto me.

25 And upon the wings of his Spirit hath my body been carried away upon exceedingly high mountains. And mine eyes have beheld great things, yea, even too great for man; therefore I was bidden that I should not write them.

26 O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?

27 And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy?

28 Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul.

29 Do not anger again because of mine enemies. Do not slacken my strength because of mine afflictions.

30 Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation.

31 O Lord, wilt thou redeem my soul? Wilt thou deliver me out of the hands of mine enemies? Wilt thou make me that I may shake at the appearance of sin?

32 May the gates of hell be shut continually before me, because that my heart is broken and my spirit is contrite! O Lord, wilt thou not shut the gates of thy righteousness before me, that I may walk in the path of the low valley, that I may be strict in the plain road!

33 O Lord, wilt thou encircle me around in the robe of thy righteousness! O Lord, wilt thou make a way for mine escape before mine enemies! Wilt thou make my path straight before me! Wilt thou not place a stumbling block in my way—but that thou wouldst clear my way before me, and hedge not up my way, but the ways of mine enemy.

34 O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever. I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm.

35 Yea, I know that God will give liberally to him that asketh. Yea, my God will give me, if I ask not amiss; therefore I will lift up my voice unto thee; yea, I will cry unto thee, my God, the rock of my righteousness. Behold, my voice shall forever ascend up unto thee, my rock and mine everlasting God. Amen.

I  also had this song come up in the background when writing this and the words captured me:

And this one...

I think I am going to go back through the inspiration I have received on how to educate my children this year on occasions that I know I was feeling the Spirit and really trust it.  By taking that step into the darkness, which reminds me of a seminary video we watched a couple days ago:

Just feeling a little overwhelmed with doubts.  Maybe it is because Drew is starting public school tomorrow and it has left me wondering if I am truly doing enough for my children to get even the most basic of education that they need.  Homeschooling in New York is an uphill battle.  Socialization--which is highly over-rated and often more destructive than helpful--is the rallying cry to join "everyone else" at public school that my children feel at church and in the community with no homeschooling options that I have been able to access outside of a sweet little youth group full of bullied teens and one little ten year old boy up the street.

Have I reached out enough?  Should I do more?  Do my kids really need it?

It is not that in my mind "going to public school"= failure.  It is moreso doubting all the previous years of homeschooling and how effective I was and am.

I need to stop this negative path cycle of continually second-guessing my decisions!  It is debilitating, ineffective, and discouraging.  Hopefully recognizing these poisonous paths of doubt will help me identify them when they arise for what they are and allow me to supplant those with feelings of peace and trust...and then relax. :D