Too Much "Good, Better, Best"-ing

I felt I should post this from my personal journal.  Maybe someone else out there can learn from my journey.

Oooooh.  I am super discouraged.

I did one of the TJEd for Teens 22 days of questions and one was: do I approve of myself?  It has led me to deep pondering and I have realized that I doubt pretty much every decision I make every day at the deepest level.  I believe I have the deep assumption that: If I decided to do something, it must be wrong.  Or bad.

Maybe it is because I relive my mistakes in my mind over and over again and beat myself up for making bad decisions.  This process has the underlying reinforcement that I made a bad choice and am therefore a bad person.

I see it manifest in things like: when I pray and get a decision and make a schedule, I ignore it.  I am always second-guessing decisions that are made, seeking that elusive "best" option.  I am just plain hesitant to act.  I feel threatened by changes in schedule and when my kids question what our schedule is and if it will work.

I don't trust myself to get inspiration.  To truly know what is best. I continually doubt that.  Even as I act, I doubt, doubt, doubt.

I feel that there is always someone, somewhere who could do what I am doing better.

I let people down...regularly.

I think that writing this, recognzing these thought patterns of mine, is important, but shouldn't be dwelt upon.  If I do, I am just deepening that well-walked pathway in my mind.  Time for some positive "bride-building" of good synapses in my psyche.

I make good decisions.
I know how to trust God.
I know how to determine what is the best course.
God's mercy and the Atonement and grace of Christ all combine to make the best out of what I have to offer and that is enough.
When I make a choice, I can look back at it and benefit from it.
I act on what I feel inspired to do and can feel peace about it.

Kurt Duncan does entire series of lectures of creating positive energy and mindsets in our lives and this is one things he emphasized: replacing negative mantras with positive ones....even if you don't believe them or they seem outright lies.  Chances are, he says, that the negative statements we have been telling ourselves are equally false.

As I struggle to move forward in the face of my inner doubts and discouragement, I also tried out what I always tell me students in Seminary to do...pray and read my scriptures.

The prayer, I think, led me to this process of writing.  And "coincidentally" for our scripture reading for seminary, we are on Nephi's lament or "psalm":

2 Nephi 4:17 Nevertheless, notwithstanding the great goodness of the Lord, in showing me his great and marvelous works, my heart exclaimeth: O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities.

18 I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me.

19 And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.

20 My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.

21 He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh.

22 He hath confounded mine enemies, unto the causing of them to quake before me.

23 Behold, he hath heard my cry by day, and he hath given me knowledge by visions in the night-time.

24 And by day have I waxed bold in mighty prayer before him; yea, my voice have I sent up on high; and angels came down and ministered unto me.

25 And upon the wings of his Spirit hath my body been carried away upon exceedingly high mountains. And mine eyes have beheld great things, yea, even too great for man; therefore I was bidden that I should not write them.

26 O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?

27 And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy?

28 Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul.

29 Do not anger again because of mine enemies. Do not slacken my strength because of mine afflictions.

30 Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation.

31 O Lord, wilt thou redeem my soul? Wilt thou deliver me out of the hands of mine enemies? Wilt thou make me that I may shake at the appearance of sin?

32 May the gates of hell be shut continually before me, because that my heart is broken and my spirit is contrite! O Lord, wilt thou not shut the gates of thy righteousness before me, that I may walk in the path of the low valley, that I may be strict in the plain road!

33 O Lord, wilt thou encircle me around in the robe of thy righteousness! O Lord, wilt thou make a way for mine escape before mine enemies! Wilt thou make my path straight before me! Wilt thou not place a stumbling block in my way—but that thou wouldst clear my way before me, and hedge not up my way, but the ways of mine enemy.

34 O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever. I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm.

35 Yea, I know that God will give liberally to him that asketh. Yea, my God will give me, if I ask not amiss; therefore I will lift up my voice unto thee; yea, I will cry unto thee, my God, the rock of my righteousness. Behold, my voice shall forever ascend up unto thee, my rock and mine everlasting God. Amen.

I  also had this song come up in the background when writing this and the words captured me:

And this one...

I think I am going to go back through the inspiration I have received on how to educate my children this year on occasions that I know I was feeling the Spirit and really trust it.  By taking that step into the darkness, which reminds me of a seminary video we watched a couple days ago:

Just feeling a little overwhelmed with doubts.  Maybe it is because Drew is starting public school tomorrow and it has left me wondering if I am truly doing enough for my children to get even the most basic of education that they need.  Homeschooling in New York is an uphill battle.  Socialization--which is highly over-rated and often more destructive than helpful--is the rallying cry to join "everyone else" at public school that my children feel at church and in the community with no homeschooling options that I have been able to access outside of a sweet little youth group full of bullied teens and one little ten year old boy up the street.

Have I reached out enough?  Should I do more?  Do my kids really need it?

It is not that in my mind "going to public school"= failure.  It is moreso doubting all the previous years of homeschooling and how effective I was and am.

I need to stop this negative path cycle of continually second-guessing my decisions!  It is debilitating, ineffective, and discouraging.  Hopefully recognizing these poisonous paths of doubt will help me identify them when they arise for what they are and allow me to supplant those with feelings of peace and trust...and then relax. :D