What Kind of Savior are You Looking For?

It had been a crazy day.  Hectic needs, exploding diapers, phones ringing...yah.

During my tiny break time from external demands, I had Eli on the bed next to me while I took some needed down time. The morning hours had been packed and a little noisy towards the end. I had managed to get some soup in the pot for dinner and just needed a little breather upstairs to piddle. 

I like piddling. 

 And puttering. I get that from my dad, I guess :D. 

 I cut out some family history cards for the temple and organized them while listening to Alma 8 and 9 when Alma and Amulek are teaching the people about how they need to repent and come to God, rather than sinning against the light they have. It made me think about the Pharisees and how they wanted a Messiah that would come down and make their life comfortable and free of pain. Their enemies destroyed, everything good.

And He didn't, in one sense of the word.

Instead He actually seemed to make things “worse” for some of them: introducing doctrine, beliefs and ways of life that turned brother against brother, healing people that later got in trouble for it and were challenged for it. So what did He bring? 

What did the coming of the Messiah do for His chosen people?

He gave them peace in the midst of trials, perspective about what was truly important. He taught us that trials and afflictions are a part of perfection; trials and afflictions are pretty much all he experienced from a very young age. He did not keep aloof in a padded castle with kind and perfect people all around. His friends and community rejected him, disciples turned away, apostles betrayed, religious leaders condemned him to death and “dishonor.”

Today, don't people get mad at God for the same reasons? “If there was a God, He would make my life better.” No, actually, just as Christ did not come to be the Messiah that the Jews had in mind. The Jews were blind to what Christ was actually offering, just as we—in our pursuit of a life full of ease, comfort and free from trials—sometimes reject our God because He does not “deliver us” from all of those.

We are just like those Pharisees that insist that our Messiah act a certain way and turn a blind eye to what He actually offers. Not only do we turn a blind eye, but we actively reject Him and His word and say, “There can obviously be nothing to that because it doesn't make my life without pain. Without sorrow. Without grief.”

Remember? The latter was Satan's plan. God's plan required the rigor to become like Him, not pets to be coddled and protected. Gods are not created on the pillows of comfort but in the fire of affliction. When things are going so terrible wrong, maybe it actually means that all is terribly right and we may just be nearer to God than we realize.

So what did Christ do, if He didn't fit the Messianic role the Jews had in mind? 

Bridge the gap between us and God. Give us the chance to start over—again and again and again. Suffer so He could succor. Give us peace in impossible circumstances. Break the bands of death so this life wouldn't be the end. He fought all the right battles and was victorious in every way that was eternally relevant.

Best gifts ever.

More "Perfect" Than You Realized

My friend and I had an interesting conversation about this word last night.  When you think of a life that is "perfect,"  what do you think of?

What does the "perfect" house look like? 
While it may vary in color, size and population, I would hazard a guess that it is peaceful, orderly, well-maintained...maybe even a little bigger or better furnished or more completed than the one you have right now.  Maybe it has a pool or is a farm house or a pent house.

What does the "perfect" relationship look like? 
Again, words like "peaceful" come to mind, right?  Safe, loving, open, fun...it will vary in size, color, experience, etc, but I again suspect that these are good general terms to define it.

What does the "perfect" family look like? 
A stable father and mother who parent well, with consistent boundaries and consistent compassion and love.  Grandparents that nurture and reach out. Extended family that is there for you and doesn't judge you. Children that obey and say sorry when they don't obey.  Or even just talk to each other and look at you when you are speaking to them.  Oh, and you have a dog.

What does the "perfect" life look like?  Ordered.  Predictable or not (depending upon your personality, right?).  Open. Lots of possibilities and potential.  Stable.  Good health.  Good relationships.

Okay, got those images and feeling in your mind about what your "perfect" life would be like?  

No problems, no struggles, no trials. 

This idea of PERFECT is what we work towards in a church culture or in our American culture, right?  The place where our children happily serve and thrive as responsible citizens, where everyone in our family is emotionally healthy, where life is balanced, secured and "just right."  A life where we all eat healthy, groom ourselves--bathe regularly, lol!--, pick up after ourselves, say we are sorry, attend our church obligations, serve by the Spirit and then come home at the end of the day to a warm dinner where we are all gathered around and laugh in our clean, finished, beautiful home.  That is the goal.  Right?

Deep down, doesn't this image resonate with you,...even just a little?  Your book is finished, your family history is done, your house paid off or fixed up, your finances in order.

Well, despite what I used to believe, right now I completely disagree with this image of "perfect."  I see people, like myself, reaching for this goal and--in many ways even arriving at it in many aspects of their lives--and they still feel empty.  Still feel incomplete.  Still feel "imperfect."

When Christ said that we should become perfect--even as He and His Father are perfect--it was at the beginning of a homeless ministry, a ministry rife with betrayal, rejection and antagonism.  I submit that God's view of perfection is truly what the Greek defines it as, "complete."  I would like to add to that: "completely doing the things God would do and living life as God would live it." 

Too often we judge our success by how many blessings we have; but if we were to do that, how would we measure the life of our Savior at the end of His life?  Remember the betrayals that happened both during and immediately after the Last Supper when one of his disciples betrayed him and another one denied Him?  Remember that the number of those to whom He had ministered--among whom He had lived--that wanted him dead were more vocal and outweighed the number of those who defended him, let alone stood with him.  He had no home, no comfort, no predictability. In fact, in the penultimate moment of His perfect life, He groaned under the weight of it and cried unto His Father that He might not partake of that oh so bitter, that oh so perfect cup!


So when you are "doing what you are supposed to be doing" and your life seems like it is getting "less and less perfect," maybe it's time to re-evaluate what "perfect" means. If you look at the life of the Savior, "perfect" has nothing to do with comfortable.  Nothing to do with fixed.  Nothing to do with paid off.  Nothing to do with a group of friends whom you can rely upon to just sit outside where you are suffering and stay awake. 

Maybe if your life feels imperfect despite all you can do, maybe it is actually more perfect than you realize.  If you are truly devoting yourself to the Savior and trying to become perfect like He is perfect, the result may surprise you. You may feel peace at the end of a stressful but well-intended day and realize that that feeling of peace means it was perfect.  You may do your best in your relationships with those around you and they may reject you or even just ignore you.  At that point when you turn to God to fix it, He may just send that feeling of peace that says that in that moment of your offering and your efforts--in that one moment, in that one thing--you are perfect already.

**************

You know, that leads me to an interesting idea. Sometimes I think we feel that if we are really doing what God wants us to do perfectly, than that means the results would be perfect.  If I read my scriptures, my day should go well. If I go to the temple, my children should be obedient. If I go to church, then people will be nice to me and accept me. 

Our life is not just about going through the motions to get blessings!  The commandments are just a set of doors to open to unleash the potential for us to live a life that is full of trials and challenges, rich with opportunities to stretch, grow and serve.  We obey the commandments to get us into the right frame of mind to be able to live a purposeful, inspired life!  A life that is unscripted because God wants us to become like Him...a being that has infinitesimal opportunities to make choices.  And God, in His perfected state, works with people who not only ignore and reject Him, but hate Him and purposefully fight against Him.

Now that you maybe have a different understanding of the word

go ahead and Google it--the perfect home, the perfect family, the perfect relationship, the perfect life. And then, with me, shake your head in sadness. We are beating ourselves up--wearing ourselves out-- trying to "arrive," to get to a stage of God-like "perfection" that is actually not God-like at all.

I propose that to truly become perfect may look a lot different than what what you first had in mind.  In fact, you might be a lot closer to "perfect" in the midst of the dirty diapers, dishes, distress, demands, dyslexia, dementia, and debilitation than you realized. 

Balance and stretching

I do my own little yoga routine 4-5 days a week. If I go more than two days without it, I can feel my back starting to seize up again. I have tight hamstrings.  My back has gone out--to an incredible painful degree--a few times in my life and that drives me to this minimal routine that keeps me functioning.

I started yoga using "Yoga With Adriene" because she is pretty low-key with her approach.  She has yoga options for a huge range of time allotments, targeting different areas or different moods, or 30 day programs for those who are 30 minute a day committed.  Not me!

After skipping through options for months, I found myself going back to certain videos for the targeted stretches that seemed to do the most for the time spent. I took the best stretching poses from several routines and designed my own which is about 15 minutes or less--depending upon how long I let myself stretch.


Part of it is this pose on the left...what I call the one legged, forward fold pose. (I am sure they have a good yogi name for it, but for the life of me, I have no idea what it is :D.)  I struggled for a long time to get this pose and still get off balanced easily when in it.

In order to get into this pose I always have to first get centered in mountain pose. (Image on right.)  As you can see it is a very basic pose that I have absolutely down. It's just standing, right?  Well, no.  There is a key part that you can't see by just looking at the picture. If I don't feel myself grounded into the floor through my feet on this first step, I cannot get the folded pose.  I can feel it.

I have been off-balance and fallen to the side probably 3 out of 4 times over all, although that is including the first 6 months when I fell pretty much every time.  There is a trick to getting centered enough through your core--visualizing it down one leg--that has taken me time to truly get.  I can feel if I am off balance as I start the 5 step process from the pose on the right to the one on the left.  I feel foolish, awkward, bumbling and every ounce of excess flesh that I am struggling to balance into position.

But if I don't, I don't walk.
If I don't, I can't even sit.
If I don't, I can't even lay down without excruciating pain.

Once in the fold-over pose, I can just allow my weight to fall forward and pull my muscles into the position they need to be in for the deepest stretch I can get to target my main problem muscles in my hip flex-or and hamstrings.  My natural weight pulls me down and it is as I get as relaxed as I can in that pose, that the deepest stretch happens.

As I was doing this the other day, the thought hit me.  Once I am centered myself on a seemingly small point '(my personal devotions: prayer, scripture study, pondering, religious  talks, weekly temple and sacrament meeting attendance) all the weight in my life provides the maximum stretching experience possible by just existing.  All the weight--the problems, worries, woes and struggles--that seem bulky and cumbersome when I figuratively "look in the mirror"--actually serve to stretch my soul to the deepest when I am using that weight after being centered in those foundational areas in my life.

God uses my trials to help me not only sit and walk better, but even to rest better.

I was grateful for that visual reaffirmation of the key role of our personal daily devotions.  Even if it is:
--a few verses,
--an earnest prayer,
--a quickly scribbled few lines about my blessings, lessons learned, or spiritual epiphanies
--a conference talk listened to while I fold the laundry, drive around or (ironically enough) do yoga :D
--a couple ordinances in the temple (or wherever your place of worship is)
--a bedraggled group of Biesingers that struggles into the pews for worship on Sunday
I have never, never felt these centering actions have made my life harder after I have done them.  Before I do them, I seem to always let other, "weightier" things get in the way.  But then I remember that if I don't center myself for the deep stretching, then my life will quickly get immobile and painful.  It is enough to propel me to do it more than I wouldn't.

Sometimes I will go for four days in a row without yoga--always putting it off well-intentionedly (I love making up new words).  And then, my back starts twinging as I sit down or stand up.

Just like with my yoga, I let my life get in the way of my personal devotions and it takes less time than four days before I start feeling my soul twinging.  When I wince with the pain, I think, "have I done all my personal centering?"  And inevitably, I have not. I have not really focused on them and used them to allow my problems to give my soul the deep stretch that it needs.

She Hath Given Of Her All

I have always loved the story of the widow's mite:

"This woman hath given more than they all."

I thought of this story last night as I sat across from Bethany.  Bethany is a woman covered with earring and tattoos; a woman broken from years of abuse that started from the moment she came into the world.  Every time I see her I am inspired by her courage to even dare to hope that the life she has and has had can be better. 

We were at the ward Christmas party and the man she had come with--soon to be her husband--spoke about how he keeps trying to help her understand what the missionaries are teaching her, but Bethany just doesn't get it. 

It was then that I knew, Bethany didn't have to get it.  She didn't have to have a complex understanding about the application of the Gospel in the many aspects of the Gospel. She didn't need to be temple worthy tomorrow. She didn't have to be chastened for what she wasn't offering from what she didn't have.

At this point, she is giving her all just to show up at church.  Not only shouldn't she compare herself to others, it is toxic for herself to measure her worth and success in progressing spiritually by comparing herself to those around us who are blessed with practically an infinite amount more of stability and goodness in our lives.

Bethany's story reminded me of something else, too. There is a story in "Believing Christ" by Stephen Robinson about a woman whom the missionaries met while using the restroom in a bar (or getting drinks or something).  The woman was not someone they were seeking out but she sensed something about them and followed them and eventually became baptized.  She would accidentally swear in church and then immediately apologize for her roughness. That is her all.  That is enough.  That moment is when the Atonement of Christ immediately becomes effective.  And cleansing.  And sufficient.

I remember coming away from this story having been taught that the Atonement of Christ hinges upon where our heart is at any given moment.  The Atonement of Christ reaches in to compensate at the moment we say, "This is all I have to give, but I am trying and I really want to be like thee! I really want to hope that you are offering what I think you are offering and I am trying."  It doesn't matter if for years we have given of our time and energy to the kingdom of God in this Church and turn our backs on it at the end.  It doesn't matter if we've given more than so and so in tithing or worked longer and harder than someone at serving in the Church.

What matters is what does our offering represent.

For Bethany, coming to church on Sunday represents her all.  For me, life can be super challenging some weeks and easier others.  Some days I can happily reach out and serve others.  Other days it is painful to try and reach out because sometimes rejection and disinterest is just, well, painful.  Some days I wake up excited to do all the ideas in my head.  Other days I lay in bed struggling to get up, discouraged by all the things I either did wrong the day before or by the things that Satan is telling me I should be doing and am not.

I just love this parable because it finally puts to rest in my mind a scripture I have struggled with for years:

Mosiah 4:27 And see that all these things are done in wisdom and ^aorder; for it is not requisite that a man should run ^bfaster than he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order.

I always felt that "my all" meant that I felt drained at the end of the day.  Now I know that it just means that I feel peace.  I checked in with God, honestly tried to do my best (and I don't have to be frantic about it!) and that His Atonement steps in to compensate, heal, fix, mend, restore, salve, enliven and amend not only for all that I do wrong, but even makes those things I do right sacred.  But it is Him that makes it that way.   All because my offering represents that I am trusting Him and just genuinely desire to do His will.

That is enough.

That is my all.

For those who feel broken or breaking, I hope we can all see ourselves as Bethany, that we can acknowledge all the ways that we are just trying.  

Struggling To Keep My Soul Off Silent Mode

This morning the kids and Quinn headed to the temple early, but because they were using the car, they didn't have our temple names that we had prepared (they were in the van).  When I realized this, I hurriedly called Quinn's phone to let them know I could drive and meet them with the names.  The kids had worked hard to find the names and it was so rewarding for them to be able to perform the baptisms for them!

Quinn didn't answer so I figured his phone was on silent and drove out anyway, repeatedly calling just in case the light from the call or something else would catch his attention and he would pick up.  I tried again and again to no avail.  Not really worried--but hoping he would pick up soonish--I kept driving and trying.

While I was doing this, I was listening to the talk "Spiritual Capacity" by Craig from the last general conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in October. It talked about a four step process that will help us do just that:
-the importance to set aside time to connect (and stick with it)
-act on inspiration
-be on the Lord's errand
-believe and trust (even if it seems weird or un-do-able)

I was pondering on the first: I struggle to be consistent in an appointment but try to slip in some time throughout each day.  The Spirit whispered: "Is it helping you really connect?" Great question.

Then I went to the second point and this is something I struggle with. I am super good at postponing or forgetting promptings through all the great distractions I have in my life that are also super good things...just not just what God inspired me to do.  The inspirations are usually small and slide easily into my list of to-do's for the day and often get buried. I am definitely not a quick responder!

As I tried to get ahold of Quinn, wishing he would pick up, I had a little connection: when God tries to get ahold of me, it is as if my phone is on silent.  He wants me to pick up and act even more than I wanted Quinn to pick up and receive my call.  Getting the names to the temple was important.  Even moreso, what God tells me to do every day is important and I could get a little picture of what it might feel like for me to keep on silent those things that God wants for me to do.

It took several tries, but Quinn picked up and we connected not too far out.  The names were able to get to the temple and I learned a beautiful little lesson.

I decided that I am going to try and make sure my soul is not on silent as often anymore :D.