I think I am finally getting to the point where I am okay letting my kids grow up. It is a lot of pressure to be a mom, a parent. There are a lot of things to do associated with being a mom. I do love the little things: like Liesl being super proud of herself that the toilet paper she had just wiped herself with made it into the toilet, a valuable feat. Or watching Penelope sitting next to me “reading” books in her little half coherent, half baby babble. Seeing my older girls laugh together and my boys zoom around on wiggle cars in “death-defying turns.” Laughing with my grown kids over media.
I will miss all of this and it will leave a hole in my heart that shall never be filled. I have thirteen beings that have made me a momma, who have enriched and stretched me. And when each one leaves–some with more finality than others–there is a vacancy. My heart is filled and emptied, filled and empty.
Oh, my preciousness…Penelope just leaned over to give me a little kiss from “Pout Pout Fish.” I try not to let the knowledge that this moment, too, will pass from me. I need to remember that I will make more moments and not let my heart break at the same time that they are gone.
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I am glad for the Intuitive Eating guide that Tova gave me months ago. I can feel myself changed from the inside regarding food, exercise and appearance, although the changes are slow. But I have lost 30 pounds since earlier this year, for which I am very grateful, as it will be easier on my heart.
I feel like my spiritual, emotional, social and physical lives have all had background music that was unhealthy in the past–internal dialogues and emotions that were damaging. You know, you can do the same thing–with different motives and internal drives–and it is totally different if you change that background “music.” I noticed that this morning as I was running: one song with the same beat as the next created totally different motivation to run.
Spiritually/emotionally: my therapists, Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and Leah White, have given me so much to consider and help realign my spirituality and emotional base. The pain is still there, but I can acknowledge it and deal with it better (wow! Do I have a lot of triggers for loss around me on a daily basis!!).
Physically: the intuitive eating thing really helps as does the regular physical therapy, yoga, and running at least a mile a day, now that I can.
Socially: I’m trying to follow my current, personal heavenly injunction to not reach out for a season. I am learning more about my value, my strength and how I had ulterior motives in reaching out so many times: reaching out with hope that others would want to reciprocate the connection I yearn for with them.
Some of my realizations are not very pretty. But it is good to know the truth of a situation to better deal with it than continuously create heartache and struggle with false expectations. I guess you were right, Bishop Zy Biesinger: manage expectations. I don’t know that I want to manage them, but rather just seek for the genuine truth in a situation and not demand it be different, if it is something that lies outside of my realm of control.
But overall, my physical, social, emotional and spiritual health is all much better than it was even six months ago. God is good.
All the time.
And all the time,
God is good.
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