Lessons on the Phase of Transitioning Adults, learned from Eve and Frodo

"Hello, dear friend. I recently read your post about leaving your older kids [all at once in various "transitioning to adult" phases]. 

"This transition is very challenging. I'm still reeling from it in many ways. This next school year more than half of my children will be mostly not living at home (college break/ holiday visits, etc being the exception).

"Yours has come all at once... definitely the proverbial 'ripping off the bandaid' scenario. I don't think I've ever recovered from my little Isaak's quick and unexpected departure from my home and each new transition still feels so real. I'm so very happy for my children, which makes these changes important. But perhaps this feels similar to what Eve felt leaving the garden...'is there no better way?'

"It reminds me of over of my favorite paintings, which hangs in the forefront of my living room, titled 'Better than Paradise,' by Kendal Ray

The missionaries visiting in our home last night reminded me of it as they discussed the Fall in what I feel was a negative light. My mind caught upon what I feel is a truth I believe: that Eve's choice to embrace mortality (with the pain and contrast so beautifully conveyed in this painting) was a courageous choice. 

"It reminded me of how often I measure my choices by their idealistic outcomes-- too often by how 'pain free' they will be... because that means they're the 'right choice,' right?

"I have been diagnosed with severe clinical depression. My therapist suggests that the 'utopic' inner peace I seek as a summation of my choices may ever elude me in this life... and that this is the moment of faith: this choice to carry on, as Frodo did, when all other lights go out."

Polaroid

 Pain is becoming something else-- almost a sacred opportunity to mourn with someone,  to commune with them in the most sacred of spaces. 

I still obsessively panic-avoid it on some levels... but I'm realizing more and more it's healthy role in the scheme of things. 

Basically, there's no point you can get to that I won't want to be with you or know you. 

You could become whatever worst version of yourself that you fear or feel you may become and I would want to be there with you, if you'd let me. 

I will never intentionally push you away. I may misread your interactions with me to mean that you want distance and try to honor that (obviously, I'm not so great at that).

I know what it feels like to know that there's some point of becoming who you struggle not to be--some point you can reach where you're unlovable to those around you.  😔 it's a reality I live in. 

I'd rather be messy individuals living life side by side than strangers behind walls... but I'm used to walls and super great at hurting people and making them want to build walls. 

In some ways Polaroid is my song. Listened to it in the shower this morning…. So many ways I relate to the voice behind the words. 

Even if love is often that Polaroid, better in pictures,  God had taken me places that fill the void. 

Planes, Puzzles and Plays--God's Got It Covered

 The other day, I missed my flight.  A day later, I prayed. Here's what happened in the middle...

Today, I set aside time to just BE with my kids.

In the meanwhile, there is so much in my head. So much I've chosen to put into my life...I have just been plain overwhelmed lately.  Even eliminating so much, I still find my self-doubt, criticism, lack of answers and mental health history just seem to sabotage the space I'm intentionally seeking to carve out for myself in my life. Self-sabotage, not trusting...it all came together in doing puzzles with my Penelope and Liesl this morning as God lovingly brought truths out during our "play":

*Sometimes I can't attach the piece I want to (that I pick out, I chose) because the other pieces aren't in place yet-I hate this lesson, honestly.  Sometimes you just have to wait for that vision, that moment, because the timing around you--circumstances, personal readiness, other's readiness--is just not right. (Homeschooling groups in Medina NY comes to mind!)

*Sometimes need to take apart a set of pieces in my life that's put together already to attach it to the next set to it-sometimes you have to have a season of deconstruction to make room for what's coming next.

*Sometimes I have to move out of the way physically for a piece to be put into place-we need to be movable to create space for the changes we want.

*Sometimes it takes some rotating to fit something in..you're just turned around-again, sometimes the change needed isn't so much physically, but just how we see things.

*Getting frustrated often makes it harder-while this is self-explanatory, I found doing it with a volatile, yet sweet and intentional three and six year old brought this lesson to life more sweetly and clearly.

*Hyperfocusing on one piece often makes me miss the piece I actully need to put the whole puzzle together. Penelope did this several times, trying to fit the piece in her hand "that was super special" into a spot.  It just wouldn't fit-those special blessings and dreams we seek sometimes just don't fit into that spot in our lives that we want them to.  Too much idealism, hyperfocusing on what we thing should be happening in our lives or other's lives...can just lead to frustration.

*Can't see the place to put the piece because another piece is covering the spot.  Penelope couldn't find where one of her pieces went because the rest of the pieces (symbolic of goals and dreams perhaps?) were all jumbled around and covering where it went-sometimes taking time out to clear out the jumble of ideas and potention in our lives and sort through it is important so we can find the place for pieces that come next.

*Often others help and put in large pieces of the puzzle-often God sets our puzzle piece space up like I do for my little ones so we can feel the satisfaction of putting that piece into place.

*And a lesson that stood out  particularly at the end, sometimes we pick out puzzles that are too hard for us because we really, really, really want to do them.

These lessons and the flight experience made me reflect upon our crazy and miraculous week of Acting Camp.  I truly felt God inspire me and sustaing me in what I could do and help me feel content with what I could not.   I felt the freedom to take time for myself--applying some of my self-care practices. I saw God change the words in my mouth as I was speaking them as a mentor.  It was just...incredible.

I felt God impress upon me the lessons learned that week and "suggest" that I could apply them to the bigger play that is my life, with all of it's seasons and scenes.