Ah-hah from the life of Newton

I posted this on my Vanguard Youth site, but really wanted it here for my personal record:


Quote from "Exploring Creation with Physical Science" pg 229:

"(Newton) developed a theory describing gravity; he did the famous prism experiment that showed white light is composed of many colors; and in order to help his scientific investigations, Newton developed a new kind of mathematics we now call "calculus."  Amazingly enough, these three accomplishments were completed in less than 18 months!"

I think it is so important for the youth to recognize that the preparation of a lifetime can prepare a person to affect the world in a few short months. (Look at how long it took Joseph Smith to translate the Book of Mormon, and whether a person believes it to be the word of God or not, no one can doubt it's impact on the world, both on the people who believe in it, and the massive force of charitable works that have flowed from people acting in the name of their beliefs on it.)

 I believe the key  to being prepared as Newton was is to continually prepare, seek truth, and be close to God.  Newton also studied the Bible extensively, and at the end of his days "spent more of his time studying the Book of Daniel than he did in charting the heavens...

"Isaac Newton believed that in studying science, he was actually learning about God.  In fact, it was his strong belief in God that made him study science.  After all, he reasoned, studying science was a way of learning about creation, and learning about creation was a way of learning about God."  (ibid p 230)

I love the last part, because it mirrors my belief in the study of math--that it is the study of truth and true patterns in the world around us;...that what we study on paper is merely a tool to help us understand the patterns that make the world work!

Helpful, perspective links about teens...

Here are a few great ones about developing relationships while their young (one minute or less each...totally worth it...):
 Consequences-daughter
cookies
just what to say

About perfection, progression, and talking about sexuality:

"What if I get discouraged?"

....

I don't even know how to title this post at first as I start writing...

To preface, I have wonderful family and friends who jump in and offer support whenever I ask. Whenever I blog about being down and what not, people are so incredibly there to help with words of encouragement and words that tell me how wonderful I am.  Thank you!  Yet, to all those wonderful people, I am asking you not to type things like that at the end of this particular post.  :)  However, if you have similar experiences and empathy, insight or advice, connections or whatever, that would be awesome to post...hope that is not too selfish! :)

I don't even know where to start, because the situation seems so logically.....well..... stupid.  :)

Quinn and I have felt prompted that we shouldn't have any more kids.  And I am dying inside.

Forgive me...I tend to lean towards the dramatic side. (It's where my kids get it from, I know...and I think that is why I am so hard on them about it, because I don't like it in myself.  Isn't that how it works?  However, in this post I am not going to refrain from using "absolutes" like "always," "never," etc., and just know that that is me and my, well,...drama.)

Okay, logical side of this decision:
-I already have been blessed with 10 kids
-many people suffer and grieve over not being married, not being able to have children, not being able to have more children  (let alone all the other terrible griefs that are out there...I can only imagine what that must feel like on those first ones at least and shouldn't complain)
-the prompting came, like all the important ones, out of the blue; it was completely unsoughtfor and unlooked for (my spell check function must be off because I don't know if "unsoughtful" is even a word, let alone if it is spelled that way)
-Quinn agrees, so it must be right
-I can't even seem to keep up with the kids I have and regularly have to count noses when we are in public!!
-there are so many other wonderful pursuits that God might want me to do
-my life as a mom is not over...I still have 18 years at least with Spooner at home, not to mention grandchildren
-like Avot and the Holy Ghost independently whispered, there are other children out there that I could bless and might be able to reach  without so many little ones of my own (although, my quick come-back in my brain is that I know how incredible the impact is of just one child on the world, and my time spent in raising even one child--seemingly at the expense of all the "other" things I could do--is the work of eternity!)
-I can't even fill the love cups of the kids I have as it is, let alone do all I want for them...this will help me feel less overwhelmed, right?
-and the list can go on and on...
-big one: everyone has to stop sometime, right?

However, just as it was not logic that dictated having this many kids, it cannot be logic that will be the deciding factor in stopping.  It never was.

I have always felt that the decision to have or not have kids was something just between God and us.  I have always known that God knows what is best for our family and what Quinn and I are capable of, and never limited myself based upon the logic of the world...obviously :).  I never really thought about praying to be "done".  You see, I had a deal with God: He would send some huge sign that we were done...you know, body not working, something extreme.  I guess a whisper in that voice I recognize so well, coupled with the prayerful assent of my husband, should be sign enough.  If an angel showed up to tell me the same thing, would it be any more true?  No.  So what's my deal?

The strange bit to me about this whole last week since I first got the prompting is that I feel like I am going through the stages of grieving all over again...and, as much time as has passed since the last time, the experience is still very fresh in my mind.
-unexplained weeping
-extreme emotions
-clinging to the present and not wanting it to change, yet wanting the facts to change

A part of me has accepted the decision, for I find myself at times clinging to my baby and trying to absorb every precious moment, knowing this beautiful cycle of growth that I have been able to cycle through 10 times now is coming to an end...that there will be no next cute little spontaneous grin at 2 months old...there will be no next cute little infant cry that is calling out only for me...that there will be no more satisfaction of taking that tiny newborn into my arms, knowing they are mine, and being able to meet their needs in a way that only a parent (adoptive or not) can with their child.

Oh how I weep, inside and outside, as I think about this!

Now, I have a hard time when I hear myself being a wallower and a whiner...I mean, come on, woman! I am spending time blogging and whining while I could be out enjoying the moment with those kids I claim to be going to miss!!  Talk about blowing the moment at the expense of empty dreams! :)

I know it all boils down to really knowing it is God's will.  I feel peace underlying all this turbulence...deep, deep down :).  I know it is God's will for me. And, like all things that come with doing God's will, in my mind I know that it is what is best for me and everyone else. 

Although the video below is applied to waiting for appropriate intimacy until after marriage, it struck me, as I was watching it with my kids this morning, that it is true for anything God has for us to do.  We, like the little kids who didn't eat the chocolate chip and waited for that gift, can know that "there is a much greater reward if we wait," and do God's will first.

Worth waiting for

So, in the meantime,  I will grieve and deal with it.  Something I have noticed about grief...both in my experience with Isaak's death and in my friend's experience with her husband's painful personal betrayal and eventual divorce: we both found that the first year was truly hard--as we faced each birthday, each tradition that our family celebrates without things being as they were.  And then, for me anyway, the grief and anguish lessen slowly to a dull throb and then an ache that exists as we remember and reflect, but is not quite so overwhelming. ("They say" it takes a year for grief to run its course, but it sure doesn't make that year easier...just as a side-note :).)

I don't think I can face 18 years of that and just need to deal now!  I know that the Atonement of Christ truly offers a peace that surpasseth all understanding. (I can't resist posting this short video again that is so beautiful in conveying it!  Beautiful because it speaks to the aching soul and is healing!)  I know that the grief is still raw and will subside.

I know that in the meanwhile I will struggle to separate my grief enough to not waste the moments I am grieving over, and that I will be able to look back and see the hand of God.

In the meanwhile, I will try to not look at each daily failure as a parent as justification for God's will. :)

Wallowing gets me no where, I know.  The only way, I believe, that true healing comes is through service, but I don't know if I am strong enough to do that right now.

However, God is already nudging me to move on.  Just this morning, as I woke up grieving again, I turned on the computer to write this and had two emails...one from that friend who I mentioned with the ugly situation/divorce and another friend who is watching her husband slowly revert to a child and die, with her children suffering from that loss and her feeling so overwhelmed.  Talk about perspective!

Then, we watched the incredible new Bible video about the scourging and crucifixion of Christ, which, of course, put everything in perspective.

D&C 122: 7-9

 7 And if thou shouldst be cast into the ^apit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the ^bdeep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to ^chedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of ^dhell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee ^eexperience, and shall be for thy good.

 8 The ^aSon of Man hath ^bdescended below them all. Art thou greater than he?

 9 Therefore, ^ahold on thy way, and the priesthood shall ^bremain with thee; for their ^cbounds are set, they cannot pass. Thy ^ddays are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less;... God shall be with you forever and ever.

So, I feel better.  Thanks, computer, for listening :).  If anyone made it to the bottom, kudos :).  I love you all, my friends and family.  I love that wonderful Father in Heaven who knows me, who grieves with me, and knows best.  I just need to trust more.

...cheerful do all things that lie in my power and then stand still, right?

Time to go cherish!  I thought I was already pretty focused on enjoying my family, knowing that each day could be their last or mine (even if I do blow it a bunch, lose my temper, and be human...that's part of the process, and I know that...)  I'm not perfect, of course :).  Yet, it has been amazing how this last week, I have taken extra time to really look at each one of my kids and enjoy the moment more, on the top of all that ache I feel inside, and am grateful for each one of them and each minute I have to spend with them.
 *********************
Later...

God knows me.  He sent me this through my children...

Mountains to Climb

Your Happily Ever After..

Avot was listening to this the other day as part of one of her YW goals, and I was blessed to be in the same room.  Turn it on while you are doing dishes, sewing or cleaning and you will not regret it.  In fact, it may just change your day...

"Your Happily Ever After" by Uchtdorf

Below are some highlights that I loved from it.

"Isn’t that what we all desire: to be the heroes and heroines of our own stories; to triumph over adversity; to experience life in all its beauty; and, in the end, to live happily ever after?...

...But such a blessing does not come without a price. It is not given simply because you desire it. It comes only through understanding who you are and what you must become in order to be worthy of such a gift.

Trial Is Part of the Journey

For a moment, think back about your favorite fairy tale. In that story the main character may be a princess or a peasant; she might be a mermaid or a milkmaid, a ruler or a servant. You will find one thing all have in common: they must overcome adversity.

Cinderella has to endure her wicked stepmother and evil stepsisters. She is compelled to suffer long hours of servitude and ridicule.

In “Beauty and the Beast,” Belle becomes a captive to a frightful-looking beast in order to save her father. She sacrifices her home and family, all she holds dear, to spend several months in the beast’s castle.

In the tale “Rumpelstiltskin,” a poor miller promises the king that his daughter can spin straw into gold. The king immediately sends for her and locks her in a room with a mound of straw and a spinning wheel. Later in the story she faces the danger of losing her firstborn child unless she can guess the name of the magical creature who helped her in this impossible task.

In each of these stories, Cinderella, Belle, and the miller’s daughter have to experience sadness and trial before they can reach their “happily ever after.” Think about it. Has there ever been a person who did not have to go through his or her own dark valley of temptation, trial, and sorrow?

Sandwiched between their “once upon a time” and “happily ever after,” they all had to experience great adversity. Why must all experience sadness and tragedy? Why could we not simply live in bliss and peace, each day filled with wonder, joy, and love?

The scriptures tell us there must be opposition in all things, for without it we could not discern the sweet from the bitter. ² Would the marathon runner feel the triumph of finishing the race had she not felt the pain of the hours of pushing against her limits? Would the pianist feel the joy of mastering an intricate sonata without the painstaking hours of practice?

In stories, as in life, adversity teaches us things we cannot learn otherwise. Adversity helps to develop a depth of character that comes in no other way. Our loving Heavenly Father has set us in a world filled with challenges and trials so that we, through opposition, can learn wisdom, become stronger, and experience joy.

 (He then shares the story of his own courting with his wife). 

"It is your reaction to adversity, not the adversity itself, that determines how your life’s story will develop.

There are those among you who, although young, have already suffered a full measure of grief and sorrow. My heart is filled with compassion and love for you. How dear you are to the Church. How beloved you are of your Heavenly Father. Though it may seem that you are alone, angels attend you. Though you may feel that no one can understand the depth of your despair, our Savior, Jesus Christ, understands. He suffered more than we can possibly imagine, and He did it for us; He did it for you. You are not alone.

If you ever feel your burden is too great to bear, lift your heart to your Heavenly Father, and He will uphold and bless you. He says to you, as He said to Joseph Smith, “[Your] adversity and [your] afflictions shall be but a small moment; and then, if [you] endure it well, God shall exalt [you] on high.” ³

Enduring adversity is not the only thing you must do to experience a happy life. Let me repeat: how you react to adversity and temptation is a critical factor in whether or not you arrive at your own “happily ever after.”

Stay True to What You Know Is Right

Sisters, young sisters, beloved young sisters, stay true to what you know is right. Everywhere you look today, you will find promises of happiness. Ads in magazines promise total bliss if you will only buy a certain outfit, shampoo, or makeup. Certain media productions glamorize those who embrace evil or who give in to base instincts. Often these same people are portrayed as models of success and accomplishment.

In a world where evil is portrayed as good and good as evil, sometimes it is difficult to know the truth. In some ways it is almost like Little Red Riding Hood’s dilemma: when you are not quite sure what you are seeing, is it a beloved grandmother or is it a dangerous wolf?

... Many believe that any road will take them to a “happily ever after.” Some may even become angry when others who know the way try to help and tell them. They suppose that such advice is outdated, irrelevant, out of touch with modern life.

Sisters, they suppose wrong.

The Gospel Is the Way to Happily Ever After

I understand that, at times, some may wonder why they attend Church meetings or why it is so important to read the scriptures regularly or pray to our Heavenly Father daily. Here is my answer: You do these things because they are part of God’s path for you. And that path will take you to your “happily ever after” destination.

“Happily ever after” is not something found only in fairy tales. You can have it! It is available for you! But you must follow your Heavenly Father’s map.

Sisters, please embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ! Learn to love your Heavenly Father with all your heart, might, and mind. Fill your souls with virtue, and love goodness. Always strive to bring out the best in yourself and others.

...Our Father in Heaven has promised that you will “mount up with wings as eagles; [you] shall run, and not be weary; and [you] shall walk, and not faint.” ⁶ You “shall not be deceived.” ⁷ God will bless and prosper you. ⁸ “The gates of hell shall not prevail against you; … and the Lord God will disperse the powers of darkness from before you, and cause the heavens to shake for your good, and his name’s glory.” ⁹

Sisters, we love you. We pray for you. Be strong and of good courage. You are truly royal spirit daughters of Almighty God. You are princesses, destined to become queens. Your own wondrous story has already begun. Your “once upon a time” is now."

The Grandeur of God

Amazing talk by Jeffrey Holland about the Grandeur of God, one of my all-time favorites...below are a few highlights that I particularly love.  God does love us!

"After generations of prophets had tried to teach the family of man the will and the way of the Father, usually with little success, God in His ultimate effort to have us know Him, sent to earth His Only Begotten and perfect Son, created in His very likeness and image, to live and serve among mortals in the everyday rigors of life.

To come to earth with such a responsibility, to stand in place of Elohim—speaking as He would speak, judging and serving, loving and warning, forbearing and forgiving as He would do—this is a duty of such staggering proportions that you and I cannot comprehend such a thing."

"Jesus did not come to improve God’s view of man nearly so much as He came to improve man’s view of God and to plead with them to love their Heavenly Father as He has always and will always love them. The plan of God, the power of God, the holiness of God, yes, even the anger and the judgment of God they had occasion to understand. But the love of God, the profound depth of His devotion to His children, they still did not fully know—until Christ came.

So feeding the hungry, healing the sick, rebuking hypocrisy, pleading for faith—this was Christ showing us the way of the Father, He who is “merciful and gracious, slow to anger, long-suffering and full of goodness.” ¹⁴ In His life and especially in His death, Christ was declaring, “This is God’s compassion I am showing you, as well as that of my own.” 

"I bear personal witness this day of a personal, living God, who knows our names, hears and answers prayers, and cherishes us eternally as children of His spirit. I testify that amidst the wondrously complex tasks inherent in the universe, He seeks our individual happiness and safety above all other godly concerns." 

Social boundaries and responsibility

"Without social boundaries, society would self-destruct.   If everyone simply did what was right in his own eyes, the results would be  chaotic.  When the majority of people abide by the laws that is when they are responsible citizens, the society thrives.  When a significant number of individuals choose to walk their won way and live irresponsibly, the society suffers the negative consequences.  Our own Western society is experiencing the results of irresponsible living on the part of man teenagers and adults.  From financial crises to moral failures to violent crimes, and everywhere in between, there are great numbers of people living with little regard for their own actions.  Not only does the individual suffer for his/her irresponsible behavior, but the society at large also suffers."--Five Love Languages of Teens Ch. 12

Hard, "becoming" questions and the wonder of my children

I have this incredible book on my shelf called "TJEd for Teens."  I have been going through this with my two young adults, and we came to a section talking about the real you.  It brings up 22 questions to answer, day at a time, taking time to think, ponder, pray and write about our own answers for each of these very important questions.  The authors suggest that it is by failing to answer these questions truthfully to themselves that people fail to find out who they really are.

I have been taking these questions, one day at a time, and it has been incredible, humbling, and eye-opening as I try to truthfully answer these questions to myself...no excuses.

The one I am answering now is: Do I blame or have I learned to focus on doing the right thing now, and letting go of all blame, anger, and stress?

What is the "right thing now"?  Well, I think for me it must be the "best" thing to do out of the "good, better, best" question, right?

I thought about this question as I walked Papaya, my two-year-old, to sleep back and forth up the street, listening to the endless stream of chatter from Hava, my four-year-old.  At that moment, I knew the best thing I could be doing at the time was to be with them...savoring this moment in their lives that would never come again.

I think one of the problems I have is letting go of the "better" and "good" in favor of the "best" without feeling guilty about doing so :).  I find myself too often looking to the day when I will finally get around to the "better" and the "good"...too often at the expense of the moment when I am doing the "best."  To be a wife and mother in Zion is truly the best thing for me to be at this point in my life.  Yet, how often do I wish the reading of children's books and the changing of diapers would be more quickly over so I could get to one project or the next?

So, going back to the question for the day, I think the problem is to not feel guilty, blame, anger, and stress about the "good" and "better."  I need to just fully savor the moment, like in that awesome Mormon Message, "moments that matter most."  The "good" and "better" will have their time, will have their place, but I resolve that they will not ruin my moments with the "best"!

These moments with "my little ones" will never come again: like when I hear Chugger-dude boisterously singing at the top of his lungs while he cleans up; or when I hear Pipalicious pray about our "lovely" day and all our "lovely" blessings (and her "lovely" parents :)...); or when I hear Papaya say "Sorry mommy!" as dishwater cascades down the countertop, down herself, and onto the floor and she looks up at me with a grin;or when I get that special email from Avot thanking me for showing me that people can improve :); or when I see that mischevious twinkle in Lek's eyes when he has some master scheme he wants to run by me; or when the Goob comes up to me first thing in the morning and cheerfully tells me "Good morning" with a great big hug; or when I see Liliputian snuggled with Spooner, who is drifting blissfully off to sleep in his sister's competent, loving arms; or when I feel Hava's eyes on me, and turn to see those beautiful brown puppy dog eyes gazing intently at me, and then a smile steals sheepishly onto her face; or *sigh* when I look at my darling sleeping baby who seems to change every moment...

...I know these moments will never come again.

I have a little one in heaven, and sometimes I feel like all I have of him are the memories of those precious moments.  I know how precious these moments are and what it means that they will never come again... 

I am at last at peace with knowing that it is time to close this chapter of our lives.  That the precious newborn moments of Spooner that are so quickly vanishing will only come again as others share their own babies with me. You'd think that a woman with this many children would be done, ready to move on. :) 

It's like each new one shows me anew how much love a person is capable of!  I remember thinking, before Lek was born, how in the world could I love another child as much as I loved Avot.  How?!  And then he was born :), and I knew my heart was big enough for two, and the love for neither was lessened.

Now multiply that by 10.  I live in wonder of my children, of their lives, of the people they are becoming.  I marvel at their uniqueness that unfolds day by day.  I love it when I can make myself be still enough to just watch, snuggle, listen to and enjoy who they are and the things they do that are uniquely them.  I love it when I can see their quirks and different approaches to doing and thinking as special and not a threat to me :).  (Something I am working on...)

It is hard to try and take them all in at once, to be sure.  I don't know how God does it, but I sure hope that being like Him is like this!  Being able to be so up close and personal with so many wonderful people...knowing that I can love them and serve them--even if they do drive me a little crazy at times :).

(Like my sweet 8 year old who has taken 2 hours to clean up lunch, and still hasn't moved past putting the cushions away!!  Argh :)!)

Each day is truly a gift.

Going along with my post about lesson to be learned again and again...

I came across this "I am Mormon"...well, my kids did for me...about a violinist who was anorexic (sp?).  She talks about being obsessed by constantly thinking about little things about food, that it was ruining her life and relationships, and that she had to retrain her thinking.

I found so much to relate to her in my own obsession of "best! best! best!" self.  Always thinking, "Is this the best thing I could be doing?"  It has truly become a debilitating problem.  Like she also said, the first thing is to recognize it, and then you are ready for help.  I need to retrain my thinking and I am glad that the Lord is able to do all things!  Cheerfully do what lies in my power and STAND STILL and smile :)!

 Along with that, and my follow-up post about "drops of awesome", it led me to another "ah-hah" I had during our devotional this morning. We also saw a mormon message about "Flecks of Gold", reminder that it is the little things of the gospel, added up, that make up our lives and are beautiful.  We need to not always be looking for those "huge nuggets of gold" so much that we miss the little things that matter most.

I am so grateful for a loving Father in Heaven who can bless me through my children, my husband, my friends and family!