Hard, "becoming" questions and the wonder of my children

I have this incredible book on my shelf called "TJEd for Teens."  I have been going through this with my two young adults, and we came to a section talking about the real you.  It brings up 22 questions to answer, day at a time, taking time to think, ponder, pray and write about our own answers for each of these very important questions.  The authors suggest that it is by failing to answer these questions truthfully to themselves that people fail to find out who they really are.

I have been taking these questions, one day at a time, and it has been incredible, humbling, and eye-opening as I try to truthfully answer these questions to myself...no excuses.

The one I am answering now is: Do I blame or have I learned to focus on doing the right thing now, and letting go of all blame, anger, and stress?

What is the "right thing now"?  Well, I think for me it must be the "best" thing to do out of the "good, better, best" question, right?

I thought about this question as I walked Papaya, my two-year-old, to sleep back and forth up the street, listening to the endless stream of chatter from Hava, my four-year-old.  At that moment, I knew the best thing I could be doing at the time was to be with them...savoring this moment in their lives that would never come again.

I think one of the problems I have is letting go of the "better" and "good" in favor of the "best" without feeling guilty about doing so :).  I find myself too often looking to the day when I will finally get around to the "better" and the "good"...too often at the expense of the moment when I am doing the "best."  To be a wife and mother in Zion is truly the best thing for me to be at this point in my life.  Yet, how often do I wish the reading of children's books and the changing of diapers would be more quickly over so I could get to one project or the next?

So, going back to the question for the day, I think the problem is to not feel guilty, blame, anger, and stress about the "good" and "better."  I need to just fully savor the moment, like in that awesome Mormon Message, "moments that matter most."  The "good" and "better" will have their time, will have their place, but I resolve that they will not ruin my moments with the "best"!

These moments with "my little ones" will never come again: like when I hear Chugger-dude boisterously singing at the top of his lungs while he cleans up; or when I hear Pipalicious pray about our "lovely" day and all our "lovely" blessings (and her "lovely" parents :)...); or when I hear Papaya say "Sorry mommy!" as dishwater cascades down the countertop, down herself, and onto the floor and she looks up at me with a grin;or when I get that special email from Avot thanking me for showing me that people can improve :); or when I see that mischevious twinkle in Lek's eyes when he has some master scheme he wants to run by me; or when the Goob comes up to me first thing in the morning and cheerfully tells me "Good morning" with a great big hug; or when I see Liliputian snuggled with Spooner, who is drifting blissfully off to sleep in his sister's competent, loving arms; or when I feel Hava's eyes on me, and turn to see those beautiful brown puppy dog eyes gazing intently at me, and then a smile steals sheepishly onto her face; or *sigh* when I look at my darling sleeping baby who seems to change every moment...

...I know these moments will never come again.

I have a little one in heaven, and sometimes I feel like all I have of him are the memories of those precious moments.  I know how precious these moments are and what it means that they will never come again... 

I am at last at peace with knowing that it is time to close this chapter of our lives.  That the precious newborn moments of Spooner that are so quickly vanishing will only come again as others share their own babies with me. You'd think that a woman with this many children would be done, ready to move on. :) 

It's like each new one shows me anew how much love a person is capable of!  I remember thinking, before Lek was born, how in the world could I love another child as much as I loved Avot.  How?!  And then he was born :), and I knew my heart was big enough for two, and the love for neither was lessened.

Now multiply that by 10.  I live in wonder of my children, of their lives, of the people they are becoming.  I marvel at their uniqueness that unfolds day by day.  I love it when I can make myself be still enough to just watch, snuggle, listen to and enjoy who they are and the things they do that are uniquely them.  I love it when I can see their quirks and different approaches to doing and thinking as special and not a threat to me :).  (Something I am working on...)

It is hard to try and take them all in at once, to be sure.  I don't know how God does it, but I sure hope that being like Him is like this!  Being able to be so up close and personal with so many wonderful people...knowing that I can love them and serve them--even if they do drive me a little crazy at times :).

(Like my sweet 8 year old who has taken 2 hours to clean up lunch, and still hasn't moved past putting the cushions away!!  Argh :)!)

Each day is truly a gift.