....

I don't even know how to title this post at first as I start writing...

To preface, I have wonderful family and friends who jump in and offer support whenever I ask. Whenever I blog about being down and what not, people are so incredibly there to help with words of encouragement and words that tell me how wonderful I am.  Thank you!  Yet, to all those wonderful people, I am asking you not to type things like that at the end of this particular post.  :)  However, if you have similar experiences and empathy, insight or advice, connections or whatever, that would be awesome to post...hope that is not too selfish! :)

I don't even know where to start, because the situation seems so logically.....well..... stupid.  :)

Quinn and I have felt prompted that we shouldn't have any more kids.  And I am dying inside.

Forgive me...I tend to lean towards the dramatic side. (It's where my kids get it from, I know...and I think that is why I am so hard on them about it, because I don't like it in myself.  Isn't that how it works?  However, in this post I am not going to refrain from using "absolutes" like "always," "never," etc., and just know that that is me and my, well,...drama.)

Okay, logical side of this decision:
-I already have been blessed with 10 kids
-many people suffer and grieve over not being married, not being able to have children, not being able to have more children  (let alone all the other terrible griefs that are out there...I can only imagine what that must feel like on those first ones at least and shouldn't complain)
-the prompting came, like all the important ones, out of the blue; it was completely unsoughtfor and unlooked for (my spell check function must be off because I don't know if "unsoughtful" is even a word, let alone if it is spelled that way)
-Quinn agrees, so it must be right
-I can't even seem to keep up with the kids I have and regularly have to count noses when we are in public!!
-there are so many other wonderful pursuits that God might want me to do
-my life as a mom is not over...I still have 18 years at least with Spooner at home, not to mention grandchildren
-like Avot and the Holy Ghost independently whispered, there are other children out there that I could bless and might be able to reach  without so many little ones of my own (although, my quick come-back in my brain is that I know how incredible the impact is of just one child on the world, and my time spent in raising even one child--seemingly at the expense of all the "other" things I could do--is the work of eternity!)
-I can't even fill the love cups of the kids I have as it is, let alone do all I want for them...this will help me feel less overwhelmed, right?
-and the list can go on and on...
-big one: everyone has to stop sometime, right?

However, just as it was not logic that dictated having this many kids, it cannot be logic that will be the deciding factor in stopping.  It never was.

I have always felt that the decision to have or not have kids was something just between God and us.  I have always known that God knows what is best for our family and what Quinn and I are capable of, and never limited myself based upon the logic of the world...obviously :).  I never really thought about praying to be "done".  You see, I had a deal with God: He would send some huge sign that we were done...you know, body not working, something extreme.  I guess a whisper in that voice I recognize so well, coupled with the prayerful assent of my husband, should be sign enough.  If an angel showed up to tell me the same thing, would it be any more true?  No.  So what's my deal?

The strange bit to me about this whole last week since I first got the prompting is that I feel like I am going through the stages of grieving all over again...and, as much time as has passed since the last time, the experience is still very fresh in my mind.
-unexplained weeping
-extreme emotions
-clinging to the present and not wanting it to change, yet wanting the facts to change

A part of me has accepted the decision, for I find myself at times clinging to my baby and trying to absorb every precious moment, knowing this beautiful cycle of growth that I have been able to cycle through 10 times now is coming to an end...that there will be no next cute little spontaneous grin at 2 months old...there will be no next cute little infant cry that is calling out only for me...that there will be no more satisfaction of taking that tiny newborn into my arms, knowing they are mine, and being able to meet their needs in a way that only a parent (adoptive or not) can with their child.

Oh how I weep, inside and outside, as I think about this!

Now, I have a hard time when I hear myself being a wallower and a whiner...I mean, come on, woman! I am spending time blogging and whining while I could be out enjoying the moment with those kids I claim to be going to miss!!  Talk about blowing the moment at the expense of empty dreams! :)

I know it all boils down to really knowing it is God's will.  I feel peace underlying all this turbulence...deep, deep down :).  I know it is God's will for me. And, like all things that come with doing God's will, in my mind I know that it is what is best for me and everyone else. 

Although the video below is applied to waiting for appropriate intimacy until after marriage, it struck me, as I was watching it with my kids this morning, that it is true for anything God has for us to do.  We, like the little kids who didn't eat the chocolate chip and waited for that gift, can know that "there is a much greater reward if we wait," and do God's will first.

Worth waiting for

So, in the meantime,  I will grieve and deal with it.  Something I have noticed about grief...both in my experience with Isaak's death and in my friend's experience with her husband's painful personal betrayal and eventual divorce: we both found that the first year was truly hard--as we faced each birthday, each tradition that our family celebrates without things being as they were.  And then, for me anyway, the grief and anguish lessen slowly to a dull throb and then an ache that exists as we remember and reflect, but is not quite so overwhelming. ("They say" it takes a year for grief to run its course, but it sure doesn't make that year easier...just as a side-note :).)

I don't think I can face 18 years of that and just need to deal now!  I know that the Atonement of Christ truly offers a peace that surpasseth all understanding. (I can't resist posting this short video again that is so beautiful in conveying it!  Beautiful because it speaks to the aching soul and is healing!)  I know that the grief is still raw and will subside.

I know that in the meanwhile I will struggle to separate my grief enough to not waste the moments I am grieving over, and that I will be able to look back and see the hand of God.

In the meanwhile, I will try to not look at each daily failure as a parent as justification for God's will. :)

Wallowing gets me no where, I know.  The only way, I believe, that true healing comes is through service, but I don't know if I am strong enough to do that right now.

However, God is already nudging me to move on.  Just this morning, as I woke up grieving again, I turned on the computer to write this and had two emails...one from that friend who I mentioned with the ugly situation/divorce and another friend who is watching her husband slowly revert to a child and die, with her children suffering from that loss and her feeling so overwhelmed.  Talk about perspective!

Then, we watched the incredible new Bible video about the scourging and crucifixion of Christ, which, of course, put everything in perspective.

D&C 122: 7-9

 7 And if thou shouldst be cast into the ^apit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the ^bdeep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to ^chedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of ^dhell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee ^eexperience, and shall be for thy good.

 8 The ^aSon of Man hath ^bdescended below them all. Art thou greater than he?

 9 Therefore, ^ahold on thy way, and the priesthood shall ^bremain with thee; for their ^cbounds are set, they cannot pass. Thy ^ddays are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less;... God shall be with you forever and ever.

So, I feel better.  Thanks, computer, for listening :).  If anyone made it to the bottom, kudos :).  I love you all, my friends and family.  I love that wonderful Father in Heaven who knows me, who grieves with me, and knows best.  I just need to trust more.

...cheerful do all things that lie in my power and then stand still, right?

Time to go cherish!  I thought I was already pretty focused on enjoying my family, knowing that each day could be their last or mine (even if I do blow it a bunch, lose my temper, and be human...that's part of the process, and I know that...)  I'm not perfect, of course :).  Yet, it has been amazing how this last week, I have taken extra time to really look at each one of my kids and enjoy the moment more, on the top of all that ache I feel inside, and am grateful for each one of them and each minute I have to spend with them.
 *********************
Later...

God knows me.  He sent me this through my children...

Mountains to Climb