Pots, pies, and paradigms

Quinn and I had a great discussion with some people we knew about homeschooling last weekend. I loved talking with them, but sometimes wonder at the where God wants me to go...what He wants me to do. So many pots, so many pies…the influence is spreading and I feel such joy being God’s tool.  I just wish I were confident that I was enough of a mom at home.  I try to kiss the booboo’s, help encourage and expect peace and respect in the home, set an example, hug, kiss, and read enough.  Just yesterday, Lily told me, after I had tried to tickle a sword away from her at the Ferguson’s, “Mom, no one has tickled me for a long time.  It felt so good!”

Good thing to remember.

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I had a slight paradime shift (even if I don’t know how to spell the silly word!)…oh wait!  Paradigm? Yep, that worked.  Anyway, it was as if I was getting a glimpse of Quinn…perhaps of him from his perspective.  The little boy inside that maybe sometimes feels like no one notices him, the man that his wife came back to “after everything else was taken care of,” the man known as “Mary’s husband” according to him. Funny, because I have always seen him as the confident leader, the man who didn’t need anything because he just is so confident and has it all together…but maybe he needs my love the way I desperately need his and just try not to demand it?  Maybe he is doing the same thing? 

 

I tried yesterday, after this “paradigm-shifting experience,” to treat him like the best friend that he is…the way that I would when we were engaged, “where is he?” “what is he doing?” “how can I show him I love him?”…you know, the way we do when we were first married.  It is funny how love can turn into a comfortable, “there” thing that just settles into a routine of it’s own, and, like all routines, requires less thought and emotional power to invest in and keep it going.  Love…what is it without emotion?  I guess it is something like they sing about in “Fiddler on the Roof,” which truly is still love, and I am grateful for that.   But don’t we all crave to be loved, admired, and sought out by at least one person?  What happens when the actions that accompany that love disappear…fade away…feel unimportant?

I do feel that love changes over time…and a degree of “comfortable-ness” is very, very desireable J.  However, the time and emotion we spend on routines become less…which is why we usually create routines, right, subconsciously or consciously?  But what happens when the deepest love of our life becomes routine?

It reminds me of an experience I had with my prayers a while back.  I started, and then mid-way started settling into my “routine” sayings as my mind wandered.  (This happens all too often.)  Realizing what was happening, I stopped myself.

I was hurting inside, and here I was at the threshold of the Master Physician of the Universe... babbling!  I started anew, and said, “Father, I am hurting.  I just want to feel you around me tonight.”

I knelt silently. The blanket of warmth that surrounded me was overpowering.  I felt Him.  I felt loved.  I felt safe.

But I had to focus on Him, focus on who He really was, not just a divine listening ear to my babblings, but my Father who had power to do something. 

What would happen if I really took time to focus on that person that has become part of the “routine” of my life?  Would he become more real, more powerful, too?

 

How to fix it?

I really blew it.

Sometimes I just ramble and say whatever comes to mind...and this time it really shot me in the foot.

I accidentally pocket-dialed someone and had the phone with me at the door of another person's house, and then said some things about the first person that didn't really reflect how I felt...something about how I didn't want to go to them because they might judge me too harshly.

Now, it wasn't the first person's problem that I was insecure and said those things.  However, the reality of what I had said, seemingly in the safe area away from them, hit home as I looked down at my phone and realized that, of all people, I had pocket-dialed that very person I said would judge me.

I don't know if this makes sense, but the reality of it is that I said something I didn't really mean, "filling up the silence" as I so often do with my ramblings, and said something that could hurt someone else. 

Shame on me.  I don't even know how to begin to fix it.  How do you say "sorry, I didn't really mean it.  I was just being self-conscious and blew it in my weakness."  It has made me really reflect upon why I would even say that. I made me realize how wrong I was, that the first person actually wouldn't have judged me...I just love them so much I don't want to disappoint them...and I turned that into a slight upon them.  Shame on me.

May I be more mindful of the power of my words.  For when it comes down to it, the words we say and even the thoughts and intents of our heart will be shouted from the mountain tops.  My control needs to start with my heart...and I need to teach it to love.

The Gems of Isaiah

I went to "Time out for Women" last weekend, and came away with some great scriptures (and some great memories with some great women :)...):

1 Cor 2:9 But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.

I have truly seen miracles in my life, and I am sure that I am very imperfect in showing my love...how merciful is the Lord!

Abraham 1: 2 And, finding there was greater ^ahappiness and peace and rest for me, I sought for the blessings of the fathers, and the right whereunto I should be ordained to administer the same; having been myself a follower of ^brighteousness, desiring also to be one who possessed great ^cknowledge, and to be a greater follower of righteousness, and to possess a greater knowledge, and to be a father of many ^dnations, a prince of peace, and ^edesiring to receive instructions, and to keep the commandments of God, I became a rightful heir, a ^fHigh Priest, holding the right belonging to the fathers.

What a beautiful example Abraham is!  The earnest yearnings of a heart that yield that happiness, peace, and rest!

Isaiah 1:16...cease to do evil;17 Learn to do well...

Wow...talk about a sermon in a nutshell!

Isaiah 52:2 Shake thyself from the dust; arise, and sit down, O Jerusalem: loose thyself from the bands of thy neck, O captive daughter of Zion.

What are we bound down by?  How are we captive?  In what ways must we choose to loose ourselves to be free?  John Hilton gave a great three step program to re-direct the energy we spend complaining into something productive and beautiful:
#1 Identify what it is that we are complaining about (pretty easy)
#2 Identify what we can do in the situation
#3 Do it and then let go of the rest (the hard part)

And when we do that, this is the promise:
Isaiah 61:3 ...to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified.

Isaiah 49:15 15 Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee.
16 Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me.

What a blessing to know how mindful he is of us...our "walls": challenges, set-backs, etc. Perhaps He is even more mindful of us during our times of trials than in our times of peace and tranquility.  I see it much as the increased awareness I have of my children when they are going through hard times.  I feel drawn to their pain, their distress, or their bad situations, and it tends to preoccupy me, often shutting out the other children who are calmly and peacefully going about their days.  "The squeaky wheel gets the grease," right?  It is also a blessing to know that in God's infinite capacity, He is with us during the peace and the pain.

Isaiah 43:1-3: 1 But now thus saith the Lord that created thee, O Jacob, and he that formed thee, O Israel, Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine.
2 When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.
3 For I am the Lord thy God, the Holy One of Israel.

Ahhh...the gems of Isaiah.

Disciplining with an increase in love

Parenting can be so tricky.

You're supposed to love them and you're supposed to correct them.  It is a tricky balance.

Sometimes parenting happens this way: the parent, not wanting to say anything corrective (that's confrontational, right?) withdraws their love, hoping that the child will just "know" what is wrong and fix it, at which point the love is to be restored.

Unfortunately, the child often seems to be confused by this...they can feel that their parent is frustrated (withdrawn love is painfully obvious), but most likely they are uncertain exactly what it was that they did wrong that caused the withdrawal of that love.  Heaven knows we all know all sorts of things we do wrong--including the child--, but going through the head of that child is probably "which thing did I do wrong?" and, perhaps more tragic, "I guess when I do something wrong, then my parent will not love or approve of me."

Does God parent this way? Hmmmm....I wonder. Sure, He withdraws His spirit when we turn away from Him; but when we are sorry--even before we have fixed it--He seems to clearly outline in our conscience what was wrong, what we need to do to fix it, and that He is there for us and with us.  It is Satan that makes us feel like we are worthless and unworthy of love after making mistakes.  It is Christ who touched the leper, Christ who raised up the woman taken in adultery, Christ who said, "Neither do I condemn thee...Go and sin no more."

I used to parent with a lot more of this non-verbal condemnation than I do now.  It is hard to say, lovingly, "You didn't finish your work so you are grounded until you do," knowing that the child might blow up in your face or lash out in anger.  Sometimes it just feels easier to grumble and clean up after them and then treat them coldly..."until they learn," right?  I think we all fall victim to this at times...stepping back emotionally and shutting a child out.  But then the child struggles with self-love and approval and motivation to fix whatever may be wrong.  Maybe, they fear, their best imperfect self will never be enough?

Now, maybe there are times to withdraw ourselves emotionally in extreme cases...abusive or excessively violent situations.  I am sure that I don't claim to know what is best for everyone :).  More recently,  I have tried to lovingly administer specific consequences for specific behavioral problem situations, not doing the emotional or physical shunning I used to do to "reinforce" the incorrectness of their behavior.  I have found that it is at times of mistake or sinning that they need clear boundaries and consequences,...and support.

But I am still exploring (poor kids!), trying to figure out God-like parenting.  I would love to have anyone's ideas or input or personal experiences in this!