Parenting can be so tricky.
You're supposed to love them and you're supposed to correct them. It is a tricky balance.
Sometimes parenting happens this way: the parent, not wanting to say anything corrective (that's confrontational, right?) withdraws their love, hoping that the child will just "know" what is wrong and fix it, at which point the love is to be restored.
Unfortunately, the child often seems to be confused by this...they can feel that their parent is frustrated (withdrawn love is painfully obvious), but most likely they are uncertain exactly what it was that they did wrong that caused the withdrawal of that love. Heaven knows we all know all sorts of things we do wrong--including the child--, but going through the head of that child is probably "which thing did I do wrong?" and, perhaps more tragic, "I guess when I do something wrong, then my parent will not love or approve of me."
Does God parent this way? Hmmmm....I wonder. Sure, He withdraws His spirit when we turn away from Him; but when we are sorry--even before we have fixed it--He seems to clearly outline in our conscience what was wrong, what we need to do to fix it, and that He is there for us and with us. It is Satan that makes us feel like we are worthless and unworthy of love after making mistakes. It is Christ who touched the leper, Christ who raised up the woman taken in adultery, Christ who said, "Neither do I condemn thee...Go and sin no more."
I used to parent with a lot more of this non-verbal condemnation than I do now. It is hard to say, lovingly, "You didn't finish your work so you are grounded until you do," knowing that the child might blow up in your face or lash out in anger. Sometimes it just feels easier to grumble and clean up after them and then treat them coldly..."until they learn," right? I think we all fall victim to this at times...stepping back emotionally and shutting a child out. But then the child struggles with self-love and approval and motivation to fix whatever may be wrong. Maybe, they fear, their best imperfect self will never be enough?
Now, maybe there are times to withdraw ourselves emotionally in extreme cases...abusive or excessively violent situations. I am sure that I don't claim to know what is best for everyone :). More recently, I have tried to lovingly administer specific consequences for specific behavioral problem situations, not doing the emotional or physical shunning I used to do to "reinforce" the incorrectness of their behavior. I have found that it is at times of mistake or sinning that they need clear boundaries and consequences,...and support.
But I am still exploring (poor kids!), trying to figure out God-like parenting. I would love to have anyone's ideas or input or personal experiences in this!
You're supposed to love them and you're supposed to correct them. It is a tricky balance.
Sometimes parenting happens this way: the parent, not wanting to say anything corrective (that's confrontational, right?) withdraws their love, hoping that the child will just "know" what is wrong and fix it, at which point the love is to be restored.
Unfortunately, the child often seems to be confused by this...they can feel that their parent is frustrated (withdrawn love is painfully obvious), but most likely they are uncertain exactly what it was that they did wrong that caused the withdrawal of that love. Heaven knows we all know all sorts of things we do wrong--including the child--, but going through the head of that child is probably "which thing did I do wrong?" and, perhaps more tragic, "I guess when I do something wrong, then my parent will not love or approve of me."
Does God parent this way? Hmmmm....I wonder. Sure, He withdraws His spirit when we turn away from Him; but when we are sorry--even before we have fixed it--He seems to clearly outline in our conscience what was wrong, what we need to do to fix it, and that He is there for us and with us. It is Satan that makes us feel like we are worthless and unworthy of love after making mistakes. It is Christ who touched the leper, Christ who raised up the woman taken in adultery, Christ who said, "Neither do I condemn thee...Go and sin no more."
I used to parent with a lot more of this non-verbal condemnation than I do now. It is hard to say, lovingly, "You didn't finish your work so you are grounded until you do," knowing that the child might blow up in your face or lash out in anger. Sometimes it just feels easier to grumble and clean up after them and then treat them coldly..."until they learn," right? I think we all fall victim to this at times...stepping back emotionally and shutting a child out. But then the child struggles with self-love and approval and motivation to fix whatever may be wrong. Maybe, they fear, their best imperfect self will never be enough?
Now, maybe there are times to withdraw ourselves emotionally in extreme cases...abusive or excessively violent situations. I am sure that I don't claim to know what is best for everyone :). More recently, I have tried to lovingly administer specific consequences for specific behavioral problem situations, not doing the emotional or physical shunning I used to do to "reinforce" the incorrectness of their behavior. I have found that it is at times of mistake or sinning that they need clear boundaries and consequences,...and support.
But I am still exploring (poor kids!), trying to figure out God-like parenting. I would love to have anyone's ideas or input or personal experiences in this!
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