What's the point...

"What is the point?"

This question has been at the forefront of my thoughts lately, and I almost feel myself going through my days as a third-party observer as I ponder the point and direction of my days.  My musings about time go ever onward or ever deeper...I am not sure which.

Time.  God exists outside of our human limitation of 24 hours, and yet He has us live with this limitation.  Why?

I wonder if it is because when we are resurrected and eternally progressing, without the limitation of time constraints, we need to have already established what is important...what are we going to be doing with that existence: that Time without Time.  No 24 hour cycle.  No minute to minute demands.  No schedule?

Maybe that is part of what this life is all about: to help us decide what matters most. To allow us to feel, through trial and error, what makes us happy and what would we do with our limitless existence?

I have been thinking about this as I schedule a day full of items...and miss the mark with much of the timings.  How much does it matter, I wonder.  How "structured" do I need to be?

As a homeschooling mom, I have a lot of autonomy.  While the burden of stewardship over my children's education is ever-present, I am at my own discretion as to how to best conduct it.  I have been experimenting with being strict with time and with being looser in my strictness with my schedules...to no satisfaction. I am afraid the "times and seasons" rule still applies and, as my dear Quinn would put it, I must decide that on a case by case situation.

I always have a loose structure of my time, something in my homeschooling circles called "Structure Time, not Content": I schedule basic breakfast time, morning ideas, lunch time, afternoon quiet time and ideas, dinner time, and any officially scheduled items in the day.  Some of my children panic when they wake up and see nothing on the board for the day...or, worst yet, the schedule from four day ago still up on it.

But I digress...

What is the point?  What is the most important thing for my kids to learn?  What is my role in all of this? Am I a home-improvement expert?  Am I a homeschooling goddess that spends her day from sun-up to sun-down teaching and inspiring my children?  Am I an environment creator, producing amazing and healthy meals and protecting the spirituality of our home?  Do I schedule meaningful field trips? Do we invite others to join us, to bless and be blessed by us or do we cherish quiet times alone?

I am sensing a pattern in all of this as I write this. I am too much an "all or nothing" kind of gal. I like to "pre-program" my life: make the decision for the week on Sunday and then move forward on automatic pilot. Maybe this is because of the barrage of suggestions, questions and comments that I get from my darlin's all day long :).

I also continually toss around in my mind "good, better, best": evaluating and then second-guessing every stinkin' choice I make with my day...and it gets exhausting!

The other day, as I stood up from one task, doubting my choice in doing it and over-analyzing the next one, I berated myself for most likely not doing enough.

"Father!" I cried out. "I cannot do this any more!!! I am so tired of feeling like I am not enough!  Like I am already behind and can never do enough!  Please help me and tell me what to do next!!"

I stopped. I listened.  

"What if I told you that you have already done everything I wanted you to do for the day, Mary?"

Shock.

It was only 12:30 pm.  What?

"Mary.  You have already done everything I wanted you to do for the day.  The rest of the day is yours."

I broke down, in tears, as peace washed over me...a hugely unreal and unusual feeling for me.

This experience has really made me wonder how much of my "frantic doing" is necessary and how much God really wants me to do. I feel more and more that He wants me to chose, to figure things out, to start making those awesome decisions of how I will create and how I will spend my time and who I want to become.  And then enjoy it :).

Whatever it is, I have been really considering what I should be engaged in doing, how I should be thinking, serving and loving.

Tonight, I had a little "music therapy" while I pondered in a deliciously quiet house...and fed my adorably pudgy little six month old his evening dosage of solids. I included the songs just in case someone else could benefit from my "line-up."

I was having a hard time with loving someone and realized that I needed to love them for them...and show them true charity..."what love really means." Is this not what I want for myself?  What does that kind of love look like?  This is a huge part of why we are on this earth.  Relationships. Helping others come to Christ.  Really loving, accepting, and helping others on this earth to fulfill their destiny...and just feeling loved.

What would I do tomorrow if I knew that I was dying?  

Cool thing: I don't think I would change anything...makes me think.  

I am having a "picnic" with my little girls, playing Monopoly with my "middles," taking a walk with my girls and babies after lunch, enjoying St. Lucia's Day courtesy of Avot (her last time before her mission...darn it and good all at the same time!).  Friends are coming over for dinner...which they are bringing, and my husband works at home so I get to see my best friend all day long. I have an adorable baby, kids to snuggle and a house that keeps me warm and dry and in which we are making progress (drywall almost done in the dining room!).  Lek just finished his ACT and has big plans for mission and college, just completing an awesome and inspiring talk in church today. 

The Goob makes me laugh...and everyone else. (After that episode above...you know, the crying one?  He came bounding up, going on about some delightful Drew-ish thing or another and then saw my face.  He stopped mid-word and his blue eyes widened, "What's wrong?!"  The dramatic pause of it all made me burst out laughing.  "Oh, I am so sorry!  What did I do?!" he apologized.  I just kept laughing.  Love that guy.) 

Liliputian nurtures and loves me and everyone around her, Pipalicious is just delicious, Hava is a warm, snuggly bundle of joy, Papaya brings life and light to everything, not to mention her ability to play longer with her baby brother than any Energizer Bunny, and Spooner is just a doll.

Heaven, right?  Why am I still grumpy sometimes?  Is it enough to just sit and enjoy this bounty? What about all those Christmas cards--spreading love and joy, those last-minute presents I haven't finished, the messes, the laundry, the dishes...the poor, the needy, the dear ones that are suffering all around me?

Enough, Mary.  Back to calm :).

I can only imagine...what it would be like.  It really puts everything in perspective.

I am living.  Every day.  It means something: to sit, to snuggle, to love, to reach out, to share, to weep, to laugh.  I am living.

And one for my little angel in heaven:

Good night, my friends and family.  Thanks for bringing beauty to my life. If for nothing else, I am looking forward to heaven when I get to sit down with all of you and "catch up." :)