Is My Service Enough?

I was listening to this talk this morning while making bread:

It occurred to me that my desperate fear and plea is not that I am good enough to make it for myself, but right now, my deepest fear is am I good enough to do what I need to do to help all those hurting souls around me.  Are my weaknesses, inadequacies or choices of priorities hindering others from coming to God?  Are my efforts good enough to solve the problems around me?

Recognizing this fear is important, I think.  It reflects a lack of faith in who is really "fixing the problems" and also takes away from the agency of those around me.

Example of Mary's brain:
I wake up this morning with some genuinely inspired ideas of things I can do with my children today to meet needs they have brought up or needs that I have recognized.  Feeling of excitement.

As I progress in the morning and start jotting these ideas down, drifting into my mind come the situations of people in my ward or friends out of this area whom I have let down, neglected or haven't been able to connect with.  Particularly, those who are hurting or struggling right now come to my mind and I think, "What can I do to help them?"  This escalates until I am overwhelmed with brainstormed ideas, reflections on how my lack of action may have contributed to their situation, and do they know how much I love them even though I am not doing anything for them right now?  

That is my fear.  There are so many good, wonderful people in my life that have blessed me beyond my ability to repay.  People that I love.  People that I could sit down and talk for hours with or do things for and love every minute of it.

But the Spirit keeps whispering to focus on the little (and bigger) bodies in my home that need me even more right now.  And I love doing things with them!  I feel kind of selfish and, well, super peaceful happy when I am laying on the floor making bead necklaces with my babies all around involved in different degrees of creation.  I wonder if I am doing enough to help my neighbor so that they can be happier and know that I love them as I sit and snuggle with my little one on my lap and read to them.  Sometimes the exquisite joy that comes from just sitting and being a mom to my kids seems selfish.  So not enough.

Isn't that crazy?  I love the process of writing.  It helps clarify so much.  Perhaps I have created a false sense of "enough" that equates to being perpetually exhausted or in high-gear of service.  I have truly felt God's enabling power in the past that has blessed my efforts when I genuinely have too much to do and too little time.  It has been incredible to look back on those days and see His hand.  Maybe I need to start trying to see that the slow cuddling, necklace-making days are enough and that God will truly take care of those others that I feel that I am neglecting right now.

Maybe I need to direct more energy to and have more faith in those prayers I send heavenward and believe that they are better than a note dropped off or a plate of cookies.  Maybe I need to just trust the Spirit more, keep those I love in my mind, and just trust that God loves them even more than I do and that if they do need that act of love from me in a particular way, He will tell me.

I know we are need to be "anxiously engaged" in our own good causes.  But my mind and my life are simply not big enough to act on all the impulses of service, fellowship, friendship and love that are in my heart.  That is where I feel my "not enough" and wish it were more.

I wish I had god-like capacity, resources and time to reach out and truly love all those wonderful people in my life and make sure they know of that love.  Because I know what it feels like to be alone. I know what it feels like to have someone care, have someone reach out with a thoughtful word or act. And I truly want those I love to feel happy.  And loved.

I don't want those I love so deeply to think that I don't love them because of something I didn't take the time to do.  How to do that for every wonderful person in my life, a life that has crossed so many paths and been blessed so richly by so many?  Am I doubting my ability to do all God has for me or am I doubting Him, that He can love them for me while I am occupied loving others?

Maybe it goes back to trusting the Spirit more.  God knows the intentions of my heart.  He knows I love these people and want them to feel love.  Feel happy.  May He magnify my efforts and magnify my trust in Him.

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I have learned that "anxiously engaged" does not equal frenzied or frantic.
1828 dictionary definitions of "anxious": Very careful; solicitous
Greatly concerned or solicitous, respecting something future or unknown; being in painful suspense