I just came back from a week long wonderful anniversary/birthday celebration with Quinn. It was relaxing and fun. We went to DC and toured around many sites and did wonderful things like: horseback riding in Gettysburg, biking to and from Mount Vernon, touring both houses of the Congress, going through the Holocaust exhibit for almost four hours (and could have been there longer), going to a beach and just spending a lot of wonderful time together.
During that time, especially on my birthday, I learned that I don't really like things centering around me. When they do, I get selfish and get feeling a little grumpy and ancy.
Getting together with my children, gathering them from their different places, has been magical and wonderful as well. Hyrum just came home from scout camp, Lily spent a week at the Zyborgs along with Elijah and Xai, and the three little girls from visiting with Aaron and Niesha. It felt so good to be home. Lily said she missed having our family together for prayer after we said it again. It did feel oh so good.
Family prayer and scripture study have truly been a blessing. Sometimes when I wonder at the peace that we do have in our home amidst the chaos and contention, the Spirit whispers that it is because we are doing the "simple" things the best we can like those two nightly activities, going to church, going to the temple regularly, doing family history and having weekly FHE.
A couple times on our trip it came up that we are expecting our twelfth child. Trust me. It is a topic I don't bring up on my own. When people do ask and I tell them, most of the time there is a blank stare and a kind of "I have no response to that" kind of response :). One was with a couple that had been married for 44 years that we met. He was an airline pilot and they had two boys. The woman said that she loved children a bit wistfully and I assured her that I thought one was a lot of children. I do. Each number of children has their own challenges, unique to the number and the personalities of the children. It is definitely an individual choice and no kind of badge of honor or race to have children. Our choice has simply felt right for us. And we are super excited for the newest one to join us in a few months :).
Many people say, "God bless you!" when they hear how many children we have to which I normally respond, "Yes, He has." With a big smile. Some say, "You must be busy," to which I respond, "We are all busy...we just pick what we are busy doing. I am busy with kids." Normally I add, "And I love it." Which I do.
Being with them tonight has been particularly wonderful. Like Xai's hovering and frequent hugs and me soothing Elijah as he stirs fitfully in his sleep with a song, "Mary's Lullaby":
For the last half hour, though, I have been waging the war once again. Bed bugs. I have been pretty tired so I am unsure of the number. Sigh. We all had a little break this last week after sanitizing and then staying other places, but here we go again!
It felt like here were so many bugs tonight after a few weeks of only a few per night. Most of them had fed. Part of me is oh so grateful that I was able to catch and kill so many. That many less to grow and reproduce. We have the exterminator coming once again on Wednesday for the second treatment. While I pray that it may take care of the problem as it is supposed to, I am seeing my prayers answered in different ways.
For instance, tonight I was groggy when I woke up around 3 am. I sent a quick prayer heavenward asking, do I really need to get up? The response I thought I got was, "Don't worry about it." Well, I got up anyway and found all those bugs...freshly fed upon my children. I did a few rounds and kept finding more. (I will go up and do some more searching after this.)
While it is satisfying to find and kill them, I always wonder at the ones I am not finding. I spray excess 91% rubbing alcohol around everywhere and just worry. Well, I worry less lately and feel more resigned. At one point tonight the thought floated across my mind as I found three or four at a time in a spot by Hyrum, "Do you still trust in Me?"
Yes, was my calm response, for which I was grateful. I have learned that God definitely doesn't answer our prayers in the way we expect Him to all the time. He could have kept this bed-bug trial from us. It just takes one bug. My faith in the all-powerful ways of God have not diminished though it has been strained at times, for which I am grateful. I am grateful now that, at least at this moment, I can answer with Job that even if God doesn't seem to be taking care of things the way we want Him to, we can know He is still there.
As I wrote earlier, I just went to the Holocaust museum with Quinn. I was grateful for my testimony that I know that this life is not the beginning nor the end, but the second act of a three act play. I am grateful to know that God took up those poor souls to Him in glory to enjoy a far greater amount of time and paradise than this world can offer. While their tests were horrifically cruel, they are over.
There is a song based upon an inscription found in a hiding place for the Jews during World War II:
(My thanks to my beautiful niece, Sarah, for introducing this song to my heart so many years ago.)
My minor, minor trial of bedbugs is nothing compared to the horror and depravity Jews, Russians, Serbs, Africans, Chinese, Cambodians, Muslims, fellow Christians and so many others have had to suffer at the hands of terrorists and dictators. But I can learn from this message of hope.
I can believe in God, even when he is silent.
I can believe in any trial, there is always a way.
During that time, especially on my birthday, I learned that I don't really like things centering around me. When they do, I get selfish and get feeling a little grumpy and ancy.
Getting together with my children, gathering them from their different places, has been magical and wonderful as well. Hyrum just came home from scout camp, Lily spent a week at the Zyborgs along with Elijah and Xai, and the three little girls from visiting with Aaron and Niesha. It felt so good to be home. Lily said she missed having our family together for prayer after we said it again. It did feel oh so good.
Family prayer and scripture study have truly been a blessing. Sometimes when I wonder at the peace that we do have in our home amidst the chaos and contention, the Spirit whispers that it is because we are doing the "simple" things the best we can like those two nightly activities, going to church, going to the temple regularly, doing family history and having weekly FHE.
A couple times on our trip it came up that we are expecting our twelfth child. Trust me. It is a topic I don't bring up on my own. When people do ask and I tell them, most of the time there is a blank stare and a kind of "I have no response to that" kind of response :). One was with a couple that had been married for 44 years that we met. He was an airline pilot and they had two boys. The woman said that she loved children a bit wistfully and I assured her that I thought one was a lot of children. I do. Each number of children has their own challenges, unique to the number and the personalities of the children. It is definitely an individual choice and no kind of badge of honor or race to have children. Our choice has simply felt right for us. And we are super excited for the newest one to join us in a few months :).
Many people say, "God bless you!" when they hear how many children we have to which I normally respond, "Yes, He has." With a big smile. Some say, "You must be busy," to which I respond, "We are all busy...we just pick what we are busy doing. I am busy with kids." Normally I add, "And I love it." Which I do.
Being with them tonight has been particularly wonderful. Like Xai's hovering and frequent hugs and me soothing Elijah as he stirs fitfully in his sleep with a song, "Mary's Lullaby":
All mine in your loveliness, baby all mine;
All mine in your holiness, baby all mine;Sing on herald angels in chorus sublime,Sing on and adore...for tonight you are mine.
Away speckled future of sorrow and plight.Away to the years that must follow tonight.The pains of Gethsemane...let them be dim.The red drops of Calvary, not Lord, for him.
Oh, let me enfold thee, my baby, tonight:While legions re singing in joyous delight.A new star has risen to hail thee divine,For you are a king, but tonight you are mine.Sure, there has been grumpiness, particularly on the part of baby Eli, but for the most part, it has been an overall feeling of being comfortably together once again. The children definitely all had a fabulous week and are the better for their time with family and at camp, but there has been a little something special in the air as we do our nightly routine of scripture, song and prayer, read to the little ones and baths, and bedtime.
For the last half hour, though, I have been waging the war once again. Bed bugs. I have been pretty tired so I am unsure of the number. Sigh. We all had a little break this last week after sanitizing and then staying other places, but here we go again!
It felt like here were so many bugs tonight after a few weeks of only a few per night. Most of them had fed. Part of me is oh so grateful that I was able to catch and kill so many. That many less to grow and reproduce. We have the exterminator coming once again on Wednesday for the second treatment. While I pray that it may take care of the problem as it is supposed to, I am seeing my prayers answered in different ways.
For instance, tonight I was groggy when I woke up around 3 am. I sent a quick prayer heavenward asking, do I really need to get up? The response I thought I got was, "Don't worry about it." Well, I got up anyway and found all those bugs...freshly fed upon my children. I did a few rounds and kept finding more. (I will go up and do some more searching after this.)
While it is satisfying to find and kill them, I always wonder at the ones I am not finding. I spray excess 91% rubbing alcohol around everywhere and just worry. Well, I worry less lately and feel more resigned. At one point tonight the thought floated across my mind as I found three or four at a time in a spot by Hyrum, "Do you still trust in Me?"
As I wrote earlier, I just went to the Holocaust museum with Quinn. I was grateful for my testimony that I know that this life is not the beginning nor the end, but the second act of a three act play. I am grateful to know that God took up those poor souls to Him in glory to enjoy a far greater amount of time and paradise than this world can offer. While their tests were horrifically cruel, they are over.
There is a song based upon an inscription found in a hiding place for the Jews during World War II:
“I believe in the sun
even when it is not shining
And I believe in love,
even when there’s no one there.
And I believe in God,
even when he is silent.I believe through any trial,
there is always a way
But sometimes in this suffering
and hopeless despair
My heart cries for shelter,
to know someone’s there
But a voice rises within me, saying hold on
my child, I’ll give you strength,
I’ll give you hope. Just stay a little while.I believe in the sun
even when it is not shining
And I believe in love
even when there’s no one there
But I believe in God
even when he is silent
I believe through any trial
there is always a way.May there someday be sunshine
May there someday be happiness
May there someday be love
May there someday be peace….”
My minor, minor trial of bedbugs is nothing compared to the horror and depravity Jews, Russians, Serbs, Africans, Chinese, Cambodians, Muslims, fellow Christians and so many others have had to suffer at the hands of terrorists and dictators. But I can learn from this message of hope.
I can believe in God, even when he is silent.
I can believe in any trial, there is always a way.
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