A Broken Heart

I just finished reading a fantasy series that taught me so much about leadership, communication and consecration.  It has been that last that I have really been thinking about the last couple days.  Two of the main characters are afraid of their own weaknesses.  They are afraid that their imperfections will get in the way of the great work they have to do.  They are afraid that in really listening to others they may be manipulated.  They are afraid that in really loving others and giving themselves to them, they will lose the strength they need to succeed...that they would be hurt.

Both these characters learn, in beautiful and deeply touching ways, that they need to let go and open their hearts to be able to accomplish the great work they were called to do.

As I was reading in Mosiah yesterday, I was reminded of when King Benjamin tells his people that even if they were to offer their whole souls as an offering to God, even yet would they be unprofitable servants.  But God wants our whole heart.  Our whole broken heart.

In the past I have viewed this broken heart as something truly broken but what if that breaking is in fact like the breaking of a dam, a dam that has shut up our river of potential to truly love and serve.  We are to offer our whole souls, our whole hearts to him. Our agency.  Every part of us, weaknesses and strengths.

It was beautiful to behold in the fantasy book, this process that happened at the end of the 14 book long series, this process whereby these sincere characters find strength in letting go.  They can listen to others, love them, accept their imperfections and move on in spite of them and even use them as strengths!  Perhaps I needed to see this release of fear, this release of perceived control to see how my life can be better as I let go of these fears and seek to more truly offer a broken heart, an open heart.

 I have felt it the past few days, this softening.  My anxieties have diminished.  My trust has grown. The strength I perceived that was my own, a strength contrived by how strong I was making these protections around my heart...this false strength has been replaced with a calm.

Am I enough?  It no longer matters.  God is enough.

Perhaps I needed to see this in a fantasy context, with magic and inner power struggles, to see the process of what truly letting my heart be broken looks like.  It is initially a very vulnerable process but feels deeply right.

I have years of built in defensiveness that I may need to keep re-training.  But for now, I like this.