Meeting the unseen needs

Role of Holy Ghost

I testify that if we strive to follow the promptings of the Holy Ghost in our relationships as well as in the classroom we will see miracles!

My life is beautiful, right now.

This morning I asked God to help me discern amongst Satan's "smother" strategy thoughts for what was truth.  You see, I think Satan's best strategy against me is to drown my mind with so many great thoughts of what to do (not all of them healthy but all shades of healthy) that it either incapacitates me or makes me worry about all that I am not doing.

It is interesting because I recognize this phenomenon.  I know it is coming. I see it when it happens.  This morning I cried out, "I just don't know what to do!"

For instance: recently, I had a friend (well, several) say, "You've got to carve out time for yourself during the day.  You are a priority.  Just make an 'appointment' with yourself and keep it."  So I go through my day and as time after time I am forced to make one decision in the face of all the delightful or seemingly pressing options around me, I kind of get this snowball stress feeling each time I "pass up" on one opportunity to do the next.  It's like I carry the potential of everything I didn't do because of the choices I make in a backback that gets heavier and heavier.

I know that I get blessings for doing things.  That is what commandments are: doors that we unlock because of the blessings behind them.  I know what gets me blessings and blessings for my family and if I don't do it a certain way or if I "leave out" certain activities, my past self would use it to beat itself up with. "If you just reorganized your time just this much more you would be able to incorporate more good things and activate all the good associative blessings for you and your family."  And so even though I was doing all I really could do, I was running around internally ragged for not doing enough.  And I wasn't even enjoying as I could and should the beautiful life that existed around me!

I have always had a love/hate relationship with Ecclesiastes 3.  The whole "times and seasons" thing has been a difficult one to grasp even as it has given me hope for the extremities I find in my life.  one of my friends pointed out this passage during my recent self-recovery and I immediately felt at that point the repulsion rise up in me.  "Times and seasons" is only an out, I told myself.

Looking back, I was a little like little Ariel, crying for "I want more."  Or even like her older counterpart in "The Greatest Showman" of never enough.

The past week and a half I have had an opportunity to step back into my life and see it from a different perspective.  No longer do I feel the driving self-hate within me as part of my defaults build during years of depression and some of the PTSD from Isaak's death.  I don't have it.  I don't have that strident inner voice crying for "I don't care what you want or think! Just work and focus and do what is in front of you and if you feel weak or like giving up...how dare you."  I simply don't have that any more and that, in itself, is a priceless gift.

So now I have this life full of beautiful people and beautiful activities and patterns built around a life that was driven by self-hate and inspiration.  An interesting combination but a true one all the same.  During the past week and a half I have kind of taken a step back from each activity and said, "Do I want to do this?  Do I choose this?"  And I have.  I have wanted to snuggle. I have wanted to spend almost all day with these delightful people. I have said a couple of times, "I have this need to personally refresh" and taken it, but not often. I feel the old "push myself" (albeit without self-hate) creeping back into my life.   And I don't want it! 

Yesterday was Piper's birthday.  We spent it playing games of her choice, eating food of her choice, and watching some things that made her laugh.  We had ice cream, sang songs, and even went climbing some of the giant snow hills at the edge of parking lots as part of the fun!  She helped me in the kitchen, I got lots of hugs...and I didn't give her one present to open.  So what were my thoughts this morning waking up?  "What a horrible mom you are...you didn't even give her one present to open on her birthday?!"  I had given her a couple things the days before: new snowboots because she could use them right away.  A bag of gummy bears because I wanted to see her smile.  But I hadn't saved it for her birthday.  Did she feel less loved?  And the mental analysis went on..."I want more..."

This morning I just wanted it to stop. After days of Satan's smother strategy stealing my joy of living and doing what I honestly feel is good and right at the moment (and often there is no one right thing!) by telling me that there is so much more that I should be doing I just wanted to identify how to combat his strategy.

And then I realized it was all in Ecclesiastes. I took complete ownership over my life. I choose to do all these things with my kids, husband and community not just because it helps them, but because I really deep down like it!  I find peace doing it and they are good things.  Sure, I am not doing family history as often as I would like (missed blessings!).  Sure, I am not studying Duolingo every day so I can communicate with my sweet grandkids in the future better (missed blessings!).  But I honestly wouldn't trade those things right now for stopping and smiling at Xai as he rambles on about some cool thought he had. I wouldn't trade seeing Piper happily warm to her toes while climbing in the snow just so we could see her unwrap it on her birthday.  I accept that I made those choices in the moment in good places and that just because I am not getting every blessing on the planet in this moment....it is perfectly okay.

I have a beautiful life. I make good and bad choices, but always with the intention to do good.  Some might not seem "best" to others but I am letting go of that.  And with that decision I made this morning in my head, it is interesting that my boundless expectations of others in my life also fell away as I felt a desire to just let them make their choices without the constant drive for more. 

I think this is a good step. I wanted to get it down "on paper."  I am happy with my life.  With me.  And to not do everything now is not only okay, but it is beautiful and healthy. I like my choices and have had fun embracing them and the joy that comes with them. I will continue to do so!  See ya, later, tempter!  On to the next strategy...I'm ready.

Trading Worrying for Praying

I used to feel that it took too much time to pray for all the people I care about in one prayer.  I would feel like my prayers were pretty long as they were (often full of "restful"--lol--intermissions) and I needed to "just get on with things," and that "God would take care of them."

This week, I was challenged to pray for my seminary students by name daily and I shrank. I thought, "I don't even pray for all of my kiddos by name every single day..."  Bad, I know.  I just rationalize that I think about them all day long and pray for strength and inspiration in general, and more specifically when things come up that are directly relevant.

The other morning I knelt down and thought, "I have some time.  I'll give it a go."  I started with my seminary kids, trying to think of each of them, what their strengths are, why I am grateful for them and struggles that I know that they might be having.  I thought about what they might want help with from my prayer.  It was mind-opening in a way that was quite honestly very different.

I was struggling though.  Just to stay in kneeling position and focus for that long already was kind of a stretch for me.  Crazy, eh?  But I told myself that if I could do it for each of my seminary kids, I should do it for my own kids. I really don't know how long that prayer ended up being. My knees were frankly pretty sore and it took some serious refocusing.  I included my dear husband, my ministering sisters and some of my extended family that have been on my mind.

And you know something?

That day, instead of worrying and wondering about the kids, the seminary youth and others as I am inclined to do, my mind was able to focus better and live in the moment instead of worrying about all the things that lie outside of my control.

It was as if I had traded worrying for praying and turning it over to God.  I'll take it.

Another Way

In the Book of Mormon, Aaron was teaching the king of the Lamanites, who wondered why Aaron’s brother Ammon had not also come to teach him. “And Aaron said unto the king: Behold, the Spirit of the Lord has called him another way.” ("Spirtiual Capacity," Craig, 10/11)

From the outside looking in, it is easy to feel that when another person's path is different from ours we can be confused because it is different from our own path. Well, mine has definitely taken a different turn over the past month.

Each of us has a different mission to perform, and at times the Spirit may call us in “another way.” There are many ways to build the kingdom of God as covenant-making, covenant-keeping disciples of Jesus Christ. As His faithful disciple, you can receive personal inspiration and revelation, consistent with His commandments, that is tailored to you. You have unique missions and roles to perform in life and will be given unique guidance to fulfill them. (ibid)

In September for homeschool, I challenged my kids to prayerfully look for patterns in their lives and ask God which ones they should change. I did the same. I have experienced a few significant events in the past year and a half that have kind of rocked my world. I dealt with them in a way at the time and continued to feel peace and joy for the most part but had a rising tension and fear building. I had a close family member take every aspect of my life and challenge, criticize and hate me for it. I had a stranger and then my own son turn me into CPS this summer for child neglect and abuse (both immediately excused as unfounded). And then, as the proverbial straw, I had the school district challenge my capacity to homeschool my children. All of these attacks were near and dear to my heart and seemed to trigger something different. A latent yet constant self-hate and doubt.

At the end of September, when the final challenge came, I broke. I looked at my life. It was a life full of good people like you who genuinely love and support me; a loyal, hard-working husband who was constant to God and to me; beautifully imperfect children who really are just normal and fine. I looked at myself. I have scaled down my expectations over the past few years to try and just embrace things and really felt like my expectations for others around me and my life were at a healthy place. I was using a herbal supplement, spiritual and physical regime to offset the effects of my hereditary depression and felt that edge taken off of my life for several months.

Why did I feel so broken in the midst of so much? It felt different from my depression but I wasn't sure what the answer was. I was finally at a place where I just had to say, "Okay, God. I can't do this any more. What next?"

Nephi, the brother of Jared, and even Moses all had a large body of water to cross—and each did it differently. Nephi worked “timbers of curious workmanship.”8 The brother of Jared built barges that were “tight like unto a dish.”9 And Moses “walked upon dry land in the midst of the sea.”10

They each received personalized direction, tailored to them, and each trusted and acted. The Lord is mindful of those who obey and, in the words of Nephi, will “prepare a way for [us to] accomplish the thing which he commandeth.”11 Note that Nephi says, “a way”—not “the way.” (ibid)

One day I was listening to a cd a friend had loaned me about depression. Although I felt unenthusiastic about it, I listened with half a mind when something triggered in my mind from something the person on the cd said. She refered to a time when she was facing staggering depression and PTSD and she was checked into a mental health facility. So many of the symptoms she had been describing fit my unhealthy mental patterns that God had been helping me see more clearly since September. The idea of just having time to mentally relax seemed like bliss but so unattainable.

Later that week is when I received notification from the district about my non-compliance. Now, this "crack down" was district and perhaps even state-wide among the homeschool community but not knowing this at first, it set something off. I woke up on a beautiful morning, perfect life around me, and just felt so broken. I sat on the side of our bed and sobbed as my concerned husband tried to comfort me. For a day I just kind of checked out.

That night, in the middle of the night, it was so dark, so bad. I had nothing that I could think of to "fix" this. To fix me. Very clearly, in the place of my mind where I have heard perfectly clear inspiration only two times before, I heard, "You have to take a month off. A month off of any responsibility." Impossible. "It is the only way."

Do we miss or dismiss personal errands from the Lord because He has prepared “a way” different from the one we expect? (ibid)

I reached out to my mom who was on her mission in CA. My husband was concerned, confused and yet completely supportive. I reached out to one or two others...all people who could be there to nurture my kids while I had this time off, even as I struggled to follow this prompting. This went against everything I was as a mom.

My journey over that month was complex and painful. It was excruciating and blissful. It was hurtful and healing. I was "checked out" at home for a week, went to California for 2 weeks and then one final week to Utah after a couple days home.  Long story short, I felt more deeply and purely God's perfect love and acceptance of who I am independent of anything I do. I felt complete peace and recovery from PTSD events tied into Isaak's death 16 years ago when I ran over him. I was led to people, to places. It was not easy nor was it quick. But I'll take the end result. It was worth it and God truly watched over those I loved while I was gone.

I testify of listening to conference. I testify of listening to "crazy" promptings like yoga and reaching out when you don't want to and wish others would reach out to you.  I testify of reading the scriptures, of journaling. I testify of the peace of the temple and of seeking truth in everything we watch, read and do.  I watched parts of the "Hunger Games" 6 times over the past month because parts of Katniss's journey and the journey of those around me resonated with where I was at.  Crazy.  But true. 

I testify of a God who knows us uniquely and personally and knows what our way is.  There is a right way for each of us and we can only know it by not judging ourselves compared to others and by seeking it for ourselves.  I still have so far to go on my journey but am grateful for the inner peace that this month has given me.   

Just don't try to follow my promptings for yourself or it might be like Nephi trying to walk on dry land when the Lord wanted him to build a boat of curious workmanship ;).