Another Way

In the Book of Mormon, Aaron was teaching the king of the Lamanites, who wondered why Aaron’s brother Ammon had not also come to teach him. “And Aaron said unto the king: Behold, the Spirit of the Lord has called him another way.” ("Spirtiual Capacity," Craig, 10/11)

From the outside looking in, it is easy to feel that when another person's path is different from ours we can be confused because it is different from our own path. Well, mine has definitely taken a different turn over the past month.

Each of us has a different mission to perform, and at times the Spirit may call us in “another way.” There are many ways to build the kingdom of God as covenant-making, covenant-keeping disciples of Jesus Christ. As His faithful disciple, you can receive personal inspiration and revelation, consistent with His commandments, that is tailored to you. You have unique missions and roles to perform in life and will be given unique guidance to fulfill them. (ibid)

In September for homeschool, I challenged my kids to prayerfully look for patterns in their lives and ask God which ones they should change. I did the same. I have experienced a few significant events in the past year and a half that have kind of rocked my world. I dealt with them in a way at the time and continued to feel peace and joy for the most part but had a rising tension and fear building. I had a close family member take every aspect of my life and challenge, criticize and hate me for it. I had a stranger and then my own son turn me into CPS this summer for child neglect and abuse (both immediately excused as unfounded). And then, as the proverbial straw, I had the school district challenge my capacity to homeschool my children. All of these attacks were near and dear to my heart and seemed to trigger something different. A latent yet constant self-hate and doubt.

At the end of September, when the final challenge came, I broke. I looked at my life. It was a life full of good people like you who genuinely love and support me; a loyal, hard-working husband who was constant to God and to me; beautifully imperfect children who really are just normal and fine. I looked at myself. I have scaled down my expectations over the past few years to try and just embrace things and really felt like my expectations for others around me and my life were at a healthy place. I was using a herbal supplement, spiritual and physical regime to offset the effects of my hereditary depression and felt that edge taken off of my life for several months.

Why did I feel so broken in the midst of so much? It felt different from my depression but I wasn't sure what the answer was. I was finally at a place where I just had to say, "Okay, God. I can't do this any more. What next?"

Nephi, the brother of Jared, and even Moses all had a large body of water to cross—and each did it differently. Nephi worked “timbers of curious workmanship.”8 The brother of Jared built barges that were “tight like unto a dish.”9 And Moses “walked upon dry land in the midst of the sea.”10

They each received personalized direction, tailored to them, and each trusted and acted. The Lord is mindful of those who obey and, in the words of Nephi, will “prepare a way for [us to] accomplish the thing which he commandeth.”11 Note that Nephi says, “a way”—not “the way.” (ibid)

One day I was listening to a cd a friend had loaned me about depression. Although I felt unenthusiastic about it, I listened with half a mind when something triggered in my mind from something the person on the cd said. She refered to a time when she was facing staggering depression and PTSD and she was checked into a mental health facility. So many of the symptoms she had been describing fit my unhealthy mental patterns that God had been helping me see more clearly since September. The idea of just having time to mentally relax seemed like bliss but so unattainable.

Later that week is when I received notification from the district about my non-compliance. Now, this "crack down" was district and perhaps even state-wide among the homeschool community but not knowing this at first, it set something off. I woke up on a beautiful morning, perfect life around me, and just felt so broken. I sat on the side of our bed and sobbed as my concerned husband tried to comfort me. For a day I just kind of checked out.

That night, in the middle of the night, it was so dark, so bad. I had nothing that I could think of to "fix" this. To fix me. Very clearly, in the place of my mind where I have heard perfectly clear inspiration only two times before, I heard, "You have to take a month off. A month off of any responsibility." Impossible. "It is the only way."

Do we miss or dismiss personal errands from the Lord because He has prepared “a way” different from the one we expect? (ibid)

I reached out to my mom who was on her mission in CA. My husband was concerned, confused and yet completely supportive. I reached out to one or two others...all people who could be there to nurture my kids while I had this time off, even as I struggled to follow this prompting. This went against everything I was as a mom.

My journey over that month was complex and painful. It was excruciating and blissful. It was hurtful and healing. I was "checked out" at home for a week, went to California for 2 weeks and then one final week to Utah after a couple days home.  Long story short, I felt more deeply and purely God's perfect love and acceptance of who I am independent of anything I do. I felt complete peace and recovery from PTSD events tied into Isaak's death 16 years ago when I ran over him. I was led to people, to places. It was not easy nor was it quick. But I'll take the end result. It was worth it and God truly watched over those I loved while I was gone.

I testify of listening to conference. I testify of listening to "crazy" promptings like yoga and reaching out when you don't want to and wish others would reach out to you.  I testify of reading the scriptures, of journaling. I testify of the peace of the temple and of seeking truth in everything we watch, read and do.  I watched parts of the "Hunger Games" 6 times over the past month because parts of Katniss's journey and the journey of those around me resonated with where I was at.  Crazy.  But true. 

I testify of a God who knows us uniquely and personally and knows what our way is.  There is a right way for each of us and we can only know it by not judging ourselves compared to others and by seeking it for ourselves.  I still have so far to go on my journey but am grateful for the inner peace that this month has given me.   

Just don't try to follow my promptings for yourself or it might be like Nephi trying to walk on dry land when the Lord wanted him to build a boat of curious workmanship ;).