This morning I asked God to help me discern amongst Satan's "smother" strategy thoughts for what was truth. You see, I think Satan's best strategy against me is to drown my mind with so many great thoughts of what to do (not all of them healthy but all shades of healthy) that it either incapacitates me or makes me worry about all that I am not doing.
It is interesting because I recognize this phenomenon. I know it is coming. I see it when it happens. This morning I cried out, "I just don't know what to do!"
For instance: recently, I had a friend (well, several) say, "You've got to carve out time for yourself during the day. You are a priority. Just make an 'appointment' with yourself and keep it." So I go through my day and as time after time I am forced to make one decision in the face of all the delightful or seemingly pressing options around me, I kind of get this snowball stress feeling each time I "pass up" on one opportunity to do the next. It's like I carry the potential of everything I didn't do because of the choices I make in a backback that gets heavier and heavier.
I know that I get blessings for doing things. That is what commandments are: doors that we unlock because of the blessings behind them. I know what gets me blessings and blessings for my family and if I don't do it a certain way or if I "leave out" certain activities, my past self would use it to beat itself up with. "If you just reorganized your time just this much more you would be able to incorporate more good things and activate all the good associative blessings for you and your family." And so even though I was doing all I really could do, I was running around internally ragged for not doing enough. And I wasn't even enjoying as I could and should the beautiful life that existed around me!
I have always had a love/hate relationship with Ecclesiastes 3. The whole "times and seasons" thing has been a difficult one to grasp even as it has given me hope for the extremities I find in my life. one of my friends pointed out this passage during my recent self-recovery and I immediately felt at that point the repulsion rise up in me. "Times and seasons" is only an out, I told myself.
Looking back, I was a little like little Ariel, crying for "I want more." Or even like her older counterpart in "The Greatest Showman" of never enough.
The past week and a half I have had an opportunity to step back into my life and see it from a different perspective. No longer do I feel the driving self-hate within me as part of my defaults build during years of depression and some of the PTSD from Isaak's death. I don't have it. I don't have that strident inner voice crying for "I don't care what you want or think! Just work and focus and do what is in front of you and if you feel weak or like giving up...how dare you." I simply don't have that any more and that, in itself, is a priceless gift.
So now I have this life full of beautiful people and beautiful activities and patterns built around a life that was driven by self-hate and inspiration. An interesting combination but a true one all the same. During the past week and a half I have kind of taken a step back from each activity and said, "Do I want to do this? Do I choose this?" And I have. I have wanted to snuggle. I have wanted to spend almost all day with these delightful people. I have said a couple of times, "I have this need to personally refresh" and taken it, but not often. I feel the old "push myself" (albeit without self-hate) creeping back into my life. And I don't want it!
Yesterday was Piper's birthday. We spent it playing games of her choice, eating food of her choice, and watching some things that made her laugh. We had ice cream, sang songs, and even went climbing some of the giant snow hills at the edge of parking lots as part of the fun! She helped me in the kitchen, I got lots of hugs...and I didn't give her one present to open. So what were my thoughts this morning waking up? "What a horrible mom you are...you didn't even give her one present to open on her birthday?!" I had given her a couple things the days before: new snowboots because she could use them right away. A bag of gummy bears because I wanted to see her smile. But I hadn't saved it for her birthday. Did she feel less loved? And the mental analysis went on..."I want more..."
This morning I just wanted it to stop. After days of Satan's smother strategy stealing my joy of living and doing what I honestly feel is good and right at the moment (and often there is no one right thing!) by telling me that there is so much more that I should be doing I just wanted to identify how to combat his strategy.
And then I realized it was all in Ecclesiastes. I took complete ownership over my life. I choose to do all these things with my kids, husband and community not just because it helps them, but because I really deep down like it! I find peace doing it and they are good things. Sure, I am not doing family history as often as I would like (missed blessings!). Sure, I am not studying Duolingo every day so I can communicate with my sweet grandkids in the future better (missed blessings!). But I honestly wouldn't trade those things right now for stopping and smiling at Xai as he rambles on about some cool thought he had. I wouldn't trade seeing Piper happily warm to her toes while climbing in the snow just so we could see her unwrap it on her birthday. I accept that I made those choices in the moment in good places and that just because I am not getting every blessing on the planet in this moment....it is perfectly okay.
I have a beautiful life. I make good and bad choices, but always with the intention to do good. Some might not seem "best" to others but I am letting go of that. And with that decision I made this morning in my head, it is interesting that my boundless expectations of others in my life also fell away as I felt a desire to just let them make their choices without the constant drive for more.
I think this is a good step. I wanted to get it down "on paper." I am happy with my life. With me. And to not do everything now is not only okay, but it is beautiful and healthy. I like my choices and have had fun embracing them and the joy that comes with them. I will continue to do so! See ya, later, tempter! On to the next strategy...I'm ready.
It is interesting because I recognize this phenomenon. I know it is coming. I see it when it happens. This morning I cried out, "I just don't know what to do!"
For instance: recently, I had a friend (well, several) say, "You've got to carve out time for yourself during the day. You are a priority. Just make an 'appointment' with yourself and keep it." So I go through my day and as time after time I am forced to make one decision in the face of all the delightful or seemingly pressing options around me, I kind of get this snowball stress feeling each time I "pass up" on one opportunity to do the next. It's like I carry the potential of everything I didn't do because of the choices I make in a backback that gets heavier and heavier.
I know that I get blessings for doing things. That is what commandments are: doors that we unlock because of the blessings behind them. I know what gets me blessings and blessings for my family and if I don't do it a certain way or if I "leave out" certain activities, my past self would use it to beat itself up with. "If you just reorganized your time just this much more you would be able to incorporate more good things and activate all the good associative blessings for you and your family." And so even though I was doing all I really could do, I was running around internally ragged for not doing enough. And I wasn't even enjoying as I could and should the beautiful life that existed around me!
I have always had a love/hate relationship with Ecclesiastes 3. The whole "times and seasons" thing has been a difficult one to grasp even as it has given me hope for the extremities I find in my life. one of my friends pointed out this passage during my recent self-recovery and I immediately felt at that point the repulsion rise up in me. "Times and seasons" is only an out, I told myself.
Looking back, I was a little like little Ariel, crying for "I want more." Or even like her older counterpart in "The Greatest Showman" of never enough.
The past week and a half I have had an opportunity to step back into my life and see it from a different perspective. No longer do I feel the driving self-hate within me as part of my defaults build during years of depression and some of the PTSD from Isaak's death. I don't have it. I don't have that strident inner voice crying for "I don't care what you want or think! Just work and focus and do what is in front of you and if you feel weak or like giving up...how dare you." I simply don't have that any more and that, in itself, is a priceless gift.
So now I have this life full of beautiful people and beautiful activities and patterns built around a life that was driven by self-hate and inspiration. An interesting combination but a true one all the same. During the past week and a half I have kind of taken a step back from each activity and said, "Do I want to do this? Do I choose this?" And I have. I have wanted to snuggle. I have wanted to spend almost all day with these delightful people. I have said a couple of times, "I have this need to personally refresh" and taken it, but not often. I feel the old "push myself" (albeit without self-hate) creeping back into my life. And I don't want it!
Yesterday was Piper's birthday. We spent it playing games of her choice, eating food of her choice, and watching some things that made her laugh. We had ice cream, sang songs, and even went climbing some of the giant snow hills at the edge of parking lots as part of the fun! She helped me in the kitchen, I got lots of hugs...and I didn't give her one present to open. So what were my thoughts this morning waking up? "What a horrible mom you are...you didn't even give her one present to open on her birthday?!" I had given her a couple things the days before: new snowboots because she could use them right away. A bag of gummy bears because I wanted to see her smile. But I hadn't saved it for her birthday. Did she feel less loved? And the mental analysis went on..."I want more..."
This morning I just wanted it to stop. After days of Satan's smother strategy stealing my joy of living and doing what I honestly feel is good and right at the moment (and often there is no one right thing!) by telling me that there is so much more that I should be doing I just wanted to identify how to combat his strategy.
And then I realized it was all in Ecclesiastes. I took complete ownership over my life. I choose to do all these things with my kids, husband and community not just because it helps them, but because I really deep down like it! I find peace doing it and they are good things. Sure, I am not doing family history as often as I would like (missed blessings!). Sure, I am not studying Duolingo every day so I can communicate with my sweet grandkids in the future better (missed blessings!). But I honestly wouldn't trade those things right now for stopping and smiling at Xai as he rambles on about some cool thought he had. I wouldn't trade seeing Piper happily warm to her toes while climbing in the snow just so we could see her unwrap it on her birthday. I accept that I made those choices in the moment in good places and that just because I am not getting every blessing on the planet in this moment....it is perfectly okay.
I have a beautiful life. I make good and bad choices, but always with the intention to do good. Some might not seem "best" to others but I am letting go of that. And with that decision I made this morning in my head, it is interesting that my boundless expectations of others in my life also fell away as I felt a desire to just let them make their choices without the constant drive for more.
I think this is a good step. I wanted to get it down "on paper." I am happy with my life. With me. And to not do everything now is not only okay, but it is beautiful and healthy. I like my choices and have had fun embracing them and the joy that comes with them. I will continue to do so! See ya, later, tempter! On to the next strategy...I'm ready.
Maybe if we could all see our lives from Heavenly Fathers perspective we would be able to judge ourselves better. We would probably feel that "God saw these souls that they were good" far far more.
ReplyDeleteLove that reference! Yes. I have seen so much beauty these past few days as I have practiced this philosophy. That scripture is a perfect reference to be floating in my mind.
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