Okay, I do plenty of things wrong. Getting frustrated about mud and messes, eating too much, whining, feeling sorry for myself (taking offense too easily...they kind of go hand in hand for me), getting mad at inanimate objects and blaming them for my troubles (because they think, right :S?), not taking care of my body...anyway...etc., etc., etc. Yes. I know it. And the Spirit knows it and keeps me posted.
But there is one thing that I am trying to do more right, and that is look at the people around me with love. And the effects are head-shakingly amazing. It defies logic how much has changed around here since I have tried to not necessarily control how I look at my family. Rather, change how I look at them. They can feel the difference. They can feel it if I am "hiding" disapproval behind a smile. So I had to give up the appearance, thinking that I was somehow doing enough to "keep it from them," a sad lie.
It used to be (and still is as I work on this) that whenever something went wrong or I was just plain upset, I would get mad at my family. I was about to type, "I would get mad at myself" or "I would look for someone or something to blame" but I still do those responses...crazy enough. So that hasn't changed--permit me a rueful chuckle. So really all that has changed so far is that when that happens, those eye-daggers that I would normally unleash on the world at large are now a little more contained...or at least directed away from those whom I love most.
Ever heard of the fiery darts of Satan? Well, I am beginning to wonder if the "fiery eye darts of Mom" aren't almost as lethal.
I would lash out, through harsh words or fierce looks, at those around me and I am so grateful that the Spirit has given me some pretty harsh and dramatic wake-up calls to allow me to see how it has been negatively influencing not necessarily my relationship with my family, but their feelings of self-worth.
Yes. That is the saddest part. I have seen how the children so often look at me as their determination of self-worth. Ever heard another phrase: "When momma is happy, the whole house is happy. When momma is sad, the whole house is sad"? I used to resent that truth (and sometimes still do) but more often the Spirit is directing me to capitalize on it. Okay, I have this power...let's do something with it!
So, coming full circle, I have been first analyzing and then changing how I look at my husband and my children. Yes, my darling husband has unfortunately been the one to suffer the most with my looks of disgust, anger and frustration. And, unfortunately again, as I have been more real about it, I am realizing that every time I do that, it is because I am feeling those very feelings against myself or my circumstances. Poor chap has had to take the fall for pretty much everything bad that happens in my life up until now.
(You know, it is funny how I don't take it out on anyone when there this nothing to "take anything out" about...hmmmm. Wow. There is truly perspective gained in writing!)
This all comes to mind because of something I have noticed in my children lately. Yesterday, it was Tova, my oldest. My amazing first-born that is now teaching me through sharing her experiences of being raised in our home: ways she feels about things we have done (mostly positive), ways she has reacted inside to things I have said or done at different ages...all done without resentment or blame. As I watch her (and shot less frustration or anger daggers at her innocent heart), I have seen her laugh more, have more confidence and reach out more to those around her in our home and in the community. Kel is no less responsive to my "sheathing of my eye-swords": my son who has sought to bury those very powerful tools of sensitivity that he has (probably because they have always been attacked!), is demonstrating a confidence and self-assurance and patience and peace in the home that amazes me day by day.
I used to see them watch me, carefully, to see if I would explode because of something spilling, something breaking, someone crying. I have recently seen how they draw back, protecting themselves or those around me, instinctively trying to not only help me by giving me space but also to save those who may suffer from the look.
Now, I am not trying to be hard on myself. This is simply something powerful that I have learned after asking the question: "What lack I yet?"...and I hope that others will learn from my experience about the power of our gaze.
Things still "go wrong." I still have times of huge emotional turmoil when Heaven help those around me (and I have learned that it is, fortunately). But having seen the tremendous difference how I react when things go wrong, as I remove my family from the blame that they do not deserve, I find it boils over faster and I have less garbage to clean up afterward...less souls to try and reach out and mend, which would normally compound my feelings of anger towards myself that I would in turn lash out at others with...blegh! See? Crazy cycle.
It is never too late to start. I have seen my oldest two respond so quickly to this change in my behavior with confidence in themselves, increased love towards themselves and those around them and more patience with me, dear old Mom :). The Spirit has felt not very gentle in the reminding process but looking back and looking ahead, I needed that. A couple of weeks. Amazing experience.
It is funny. The only thing that I have really changed in all this is to try and genuinely see how my looks and words affect those around me. I have seen the hurt, the wonder, the pain and it hurts too much to be worth just "letting it all go." I still do, unfortunately, but I don't wallow in it like I used to, justifying my frustration or anger by their response.
There is a song that keeps coming to mind.
Maybe in some way I am doing as it says: receiving His image in my countenance. Sometimes, when I have been unable to speak to someone and yet feel like I must send them some message, I just try and look at them as Christ would, trying to shoot "love" and "approval" beams from my eyes. I realized the other day I don't do that so much with my kids. I have been only doing it for a week and have already noticed a difference. When they are studying, when they are playing, when they are sleeping, I shoot love beams at them with my eyes and it is oh so fun to see them turn and catch you shooting pure love at them!
This love is definitely not from me. It is a gift from Christ, a gift that I have prayed "with all the energy of my heart" for and which all can receive. As Alma stated (in chapter 26 of the Book of Mormon):
Closing ah-hah: I like to put images in my blog. I like art. I like pictures. I looked up "person glaring" to put in the first part of this post and as I looked just briefly at the page of people glaring at me, my heart was filled with darkness. I felt overwhelmed and even as I started writing this section, I started crying. How many times have I filled my gaze with the frustration and disappointment that I was feeling with a child or person at them!! How it must have hurt!!!
It is amazing how as I am seeking to let the Spirit teach my children more deeply how they need to change, using a few words of correction and just walking away (instead of following up my lecture with the gaze of disapproval, the gaze of death) has made a difference in their ability to accept reproof! I used to level the "feel the weight of my disapproval" look at them, filling my gaze with all the disappointment, frustration and admonishment that I felt was not getting through with words.
To think of those precious little ones getting that hateful gaze! Oh, thank goodness for the Atonement and the healing that starts instantly and today!!
But there is one thing that I am trying to do more right, and that is look at the people around me with love. And the effects are head-shakingly amazing. It defies logic how much has changed around here since I have tried to not necessarily control how I look at my family. Rather, change how I look at them. They can feel the difference. They can feel it if I am "hiding" disapproval behind a smile. So I had to give up the appearance, thinking that I was somehow doing enough to "keep it from them," a sad lie.
It used to be (and still is as I work on this) that whenever something went wrong or I was just plain upset, I would get mad at my family. I was about to type, "I would get mad at myself" or "I would look for someone or something to blame" but I still do those responses...crazy enough. So that hasn't changed--permit me a rueful chuckle. So really all that has changed so far is that when that happens, those eye-daggers that I would normally unleash on the world at large are now a little more contained...or at least directed away from those whom I love most.Ever heard of the fiery darts of Satan? Well, I am beginning to wonder if the "fiery eye darts of Mom" aren't almost as lethal.
I would lash out, through harsh words or fierce looks, at those around me and I am so grateful that the Spirit has given me some pretty harsh and dramatic wake-up calls to allow me to see how it has been negatively influencing not necessarily my relationship with my family, but their feelings of self-worth.
Yes. That is the saddest part. I have seen how the children so often look at me as their determination of self-worth. Ever heard another phrase: "When momma is happy, the whole house is happy. When momma is sad, the whole house is sad"? I used to resent that truth (and sometimes still do) but more often the Spirit is directing me to capitalize on it. Okay, I have this power...let's do something with it!
(You know, it is funny how I don't take it out on anyone when there this nothing to "take anything out" about...hmmmm. Wow. There is truly perspective gained in writing!)
This all comes to mind because of something I have noticed in my children lately. Yesterday, it was Tova, my oldest. My amazing first-born that is now teaching me through sharing her experiences of being raised in our home: ways she feels about things we have done (mostly positive), ways she has reacted inside to things I have said or done at different ages...all done without resentment or blame. As I watch her (and shot less frustration or anger daggers at her innocent heart), I have seen her laugh more, have more confidence and reach out more to those around her in our home and in the community. Kel is no less responsive to my "sheathing of my eye-swords": my son who has sought to bury those very powerful tools of sensitivity that he has (probably because they have always been attacked!), is demonstrating a confidence and self-assurance and patience and peace in the home that amazes me day by day.
I used to see them watch me, carefully, to see if I would explode because of something spilling, something breaking, someone crying. I have recently seen how they draw back, protecting themselves or those around me, instinctively trying to not only help me by giving me space but also to save those who may suffer from the look.Now, I am not trying to be hard on myself. This is simply something powerful that I have learned after asking the question: "What lack I yet?"...and I hope that others will learn from my experience about the power of our gaze.
When we look at others with a heart full of genuine love there is something amazing that happens both to ourselves and them.
Things still "go wrong." I still have times of huge emotional turmoil when Heaven help those around me (and I have learned that it is, fortunately). But having seen the tremendous difference how I react when things go wrong, as I remove my family from the blame that they do not deserve, I find it boils over faster and I have less garbage to clean up afterward...less souls to try and reach out and mend, which would normally compound my feelings of anger towards myself that I would in turn lash out at others with...blegh! See? Crazy cycle.
It is never too late to start. I have seen my oldest two respond so quickly to this change in my behavior with confidence in themselves, increased love towards themselves and those around them and more patience with me, dear old Mom :). The Spirit has felt not very gentle in the reminding process but looking back and looking ahead, I needed that. A couple of weeks. Amazing experience.
It is funny. The only thing that I have really changed in all this is to try and genuinely see how my looks and words affect those around me. I have seen the hurt, the wonder, the pain and it hurts too much to be worth just "letting it all go." I still do, unfortunately, but I don't wallow in it like I used to, justifying my frustration or anger by their response.
There is a song that keeps coming to mind.
Maybe in some way I am doing as it says: receiving His image in my countenance. Sometimes, when I have been unable to speak to someone and yet feel like I must send them some message, I just try and look at them as Christ would, trying to shoot "love" and "approval" beams from my eyes. I realized the other day I don't do that so much with my kids. I have been only doing it for a week and have already noticed a difference. When they are studying, when they are playing, when they are sleeping, I shoot love beams at them with my eyes and it is oh so fun to see them turn and catch you shooting pure love at them!
This love is definitely not from me. It is a gift from Christ, a gift that I have prayed "with all the energy of my heart" for and which all can receive. As Alma stated (in chapter 26 of the Book of Mormon):
****************11 But Ammon said unto him: I do not boast in my own strength, nor in my own wisdom; but behold, my joy is full, yea, my heart is brim with joy, and I will rejoice in my God.12 Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things; yea, behold, many mighty miracles we have wrought in this land, for which we will praise his name forever...35 Now have we not reason to rejoice? Yea, I say unto you, there never were men (or women!) that had so great reason to rejoice as we, since the world began; yea, and my joy is carried away, even unto boasting in my God; for he has all power,all wisdom, and all understanding; he comprehendeth all things, and he is a merciful Being, even unto salvation, to those who will repent and believe on his name.
Closing ah-hah: I like to put images in my blog. I like art. I like pictures. I looked up "person glaring" to put in the first part of this post and as I looked just briefly at the page of people glaring at me, my heart was filled with darkness. I felt overwhelmed and even as I started writing this section, I started crying. How many times have I filled my gaze with the frustration and disappointment that I was feeling with a child or person at them!! How it must have hurt!!!
It is amazing how as I am seeking to let the Spirit teach my children more deeply how they need to change, using a few words of correction and just walking away (instead of following up my lecture with the gaze of disapproval, the gaze of death) has made a difference in their ability to accept reproof! I used to level the "feel the weight of my disapproval" look at them, filling my gaze with all the disappointment, frustration and admonishment that I felt was not getting through with words.
To think of those precious little ones getting that hateful gaze! Oh, thank goodness for the Atonement and the healing that starts instantly and today!!
So powerful Mary! Truly to way to change others is to change ourselves.
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