Choosing My "Low": Dirt not Anger

It's funny how sometimes--just to prevent something undesirable from happening--we do something worse.

Now let's fill in those pronouns.

It's funny how every day--just to prevent a dirty kitchen floor (broken window, dirty bathroom, etc.) from happening--I yell at my kids.

Yelling.

What comes to mind when I think that word...

Verbal arrows, hurt, anger, offense, jumping to conclusions, assumptions, regret.

A soft answer turneth away wrath.


I had a beautiful conversation with my daughter Tova the other day.  I have been pretty hard on one of my other kids over the years.  It seems that whenever I correct them, no matter how loving, they seem to clam up and get this "stone face" that drives me absolutely nuts!  Here I am, trying to help them and they put on their stone face and even tune me out a bit! I mean, what kind of disrespect is that?!

Feel the heat of those last thoughts?  I am sure this child felt it too, every time I defaulted to this heat when they would respond in such a non-responsive way to correction.  Correction is going to happen in parenting. I am not going to say "this kitchen is done" when there is still gunk all over.  I struggled with my frustration and we all knew it.  Yelling, anger.  It just felt like I wasn't getting the message across any other way! (But was I even getting it across? That was in itself a frustration!)

Back to the beautiful conversation.  I could recognize that this pattern was destructive to this child and to the environment in our home.

If the adversary can influence us to pick on each other, to find fault, bash, and undermine, to judge or humiliate or taunt, half his battle is won. Why? Because though this sort of conduct may not equate with succumbing to grievous sin, it nevertheless neutralizes us spiritually. The Spirit of the Lord cannot dwell where there is bickering, judging, contention, or any kind of bashing.--Marvin J. Ashton

I asked for help.  I plead with some of my  other children to help me stop myself before I got frustrated when this happened, seeing the light in my other child going out little by little.  After one particular recurrence on a Sunday morning with this child, I ranted to Tova, "But they are just so frustrating!  It is like they don't even care that they are doing something wrong...that they are not even listening!"

She listened thoughtfully as she always does and we continued to get ready for church.  Later, she leaned over just before the Sacrament and whispered, "You know, mom, when I was their age, when you would correct me, I would be very mad at myself for doing something wrong. I didn't want to show that anger, that frustration to you and so I would try and hide it. I would be working so hard to try and hide it and deal with that anger at myself that I wouldn't hear everything you were saying.  Maybe that is happening with this child."

Ouch.  Yes.  They were hearing me. In fact, they were probably being harder on themselves than I wanted them to be...and in my misunderstanding, I was actually driving in this self-hatred by my own frustration, disappointment and anger.

If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care.--ibid

I went to a class last Saturday evening and the woman spoke about families: how being in a family is just hard.  There are highs, but there are also the lows. "The trick," the teacher commented, "is to take advantage of the highs to help us make it through the lows."

I thought, "How can you accept the 'lows' though?" I equated the "lows" with "mommy losing her temper or saying something harsh."

The things you say, the tone of your voice, the anger or calm of your words—these things are noticed by your children and by others. They see and learn both the kind and the unkind things we say or do. Nothing exposes our true selves more than how we treat one another in the home.

As I pondered more, I realized that the real lows that we just have to endure are things like dirty laundry, unfinished dishes, dirty rooms.  Those are "lows" that don't leave permanent damage like the harsh and hurtful words I was using to prevent those situations.

Does that mean I don't address those issues?  Not at all. I deeply believe and acknowledge that cleanliness truly is next to godliness.  However, the end does not justify the means.  Battle scars left on the soul is not an acceptable price for a clean kitchen.  Not in my book.  Not anymore.

I am so grateful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ that heals the victims of my imperfection. I am so grateful for the Spirit that testifies of truth and the inspiration of speakers and presenters at meetings put on my church leaders for my best interest.  I know that I can start today and healing can happen today.