Taking Action

"So I'm reading this  _________ book..." My family always starts grinning when I start a sentence with that comment.  Recently, it has gone from "Amish" to "Gifts of Imperfection" and today it was "Blink" by Malcolm Gladwell.  I have been "reading" the last two over the past several months.  It is about the journey not finishing, right?

So I'm reading this book called 'Blink'...

...and it is very thought-provoking. I have subtitled it "A Book about Taking Action."  Wrote it on the cover, in fact. (It is my book :).)

After reading as much as I have of it, I believe that there are three arenas that we can live our life in:
--preparation: routine, systematic learning, pattern developing
--decision: looking at a particular situation and deciding what to do
--action: moving forward with a plan of action
I am sure there are others...this book just made me think of these arena of activity.

Gladwell suggests that improv actors and generals (people who need to make quick action decisions) are better when they have spent a lot of time in the preparation phase and don't linger too long in "decision" mode.  In fact, taking too long to make a decision in a particular situation can kill a scene or an army.

Or my day.

I do a lot of time in prep but find myself wandering for long periods of time in the realm of indecision:

--"good, better, or best?"
--"will it be enough?"

What I like about this book is that he says that we need to trust our gut more often.  Make the decision.  Move forward.  Moments pass.  Opportunities are wasted.

Different situations require different amounts of time in the areas of decision and action.  I think we can all feel when we are lingering too long in the realm of decision-making in a particular instance, afraid or unsure of what is the next step to take.

Just a thought: so many times God blesses us with vision and purpose when we take that step into the darkness.  Just step.  Maybe it is in the hours of spiritual preparation we spend at church or in religious study and mediation that make us better able to take that trusting step of action? ...when we let ourselves take it, that is.

This book has just made me think about where I spend the most time.  I could spend a lot more time in "preparation" phase, enjoying the learning process, anticipating "decision" not with dread but trust, and then courageously taking "action" even when "decision" and "preparation" feels safer.

I have personally had some things come to mind while writing this, areas in my life where I linger in deliberation and decision.  The Spirit whispers that God has amply prepared me.  I need to just act.

Just hug.
Just visit.
Just trust that my action is enough.
Just speak.
Just do.

Then smile and move forward with preparation and study for the next moment of action.

Lessons From A Lame Jogging Day

As I was running the other day...
Wait.

As I was jogging the other day...
Okay, honesty.

As I labored along at a little more than a fast walk, I determined to keep going.  The previous week I had kept up jogging-like pace for most of a 5 K route.  However, on this particular day I was struggling to even finish a 2 mile route. But hey!!! I was there doing it, right?!
As I lumbered along, I pondered: Why is it so hard some days and so much easier others?

Isn't this so true with life?

Some days, I fly through: lots of energy, enthusiasm and joy!
Some days...I struggle just to plod.

I think the trick is to just keep exercising, whether it is easy or hard and just be happy that I am there.  I think the trick is to just keep being a mom, being a wife, being a friend, being a teacher whether it is easy or hard and just be happy that I am there.

Not all days are the same and that's okay.

I'm there. I'm doing it. I'm okay.

The Gift of Imperfection

I thought that I didn't care what people thought of me.  I mean, look at me.  I homeschool, have a million children and am a Mormon.  Trust me. I stick out like a sore thumb almost anywhere, a happy sore thumb :).

But the other day when I was chatting with a friend, I shared with her how I was so at peace on the Farm compared to here.  She responded, "Maybe it is because it is away from other people so you don't feel measured or judged and can just be yourself?"

But I thought I didn't care what other people thought, I replied in my head, a little puzzled.

As I have thought about this idea, though, I have realized that while I continue to do things that may look different, I am very aware of it and can feel a little defensive of it...or maybe am just mindful that others think differently and am at a deep level always preparing to brace myself for the criticism and judgment that I received, both perceived and real.  Sometimes it is very real.  And it does still hurt.

Maybe my friend was right.

I am also reading a book called "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brene Brown.  While she has a bit of a mouth on her, she also has a lot of good things to say.  It took me a while to get into it (writing style, not sure what), but last night I felt impressed to pick it up again after a couple of months and some words reminded me of things I have been thinking about lately...
...about the Amish and their humble acceptance of God.
...about why I do what I do: do I care if my house is perfectly clean (laughable...it is never) when the missionaries come over for dinner?  It is good to be clean, but is it worth losing the Spirit in my home to be frustrated and push those around me to help in an un-Christlike way?
...why or should I share my beliefs with others?

Yesterday I was musing about something that had happened the previous week, some frustrating hiccup in the process of getting Kel ready for his mission and college afterward...or series of hiccups.  I think things are finally coming together but as I pondered on the process yesterday, I thought, "It could have gone a lot more smoothly than this...I wonder why?"

"So you can be relate-able, my daughter" came the gentle reply from above.

I was impressed that God gives us as little struggle and trials as possible to make us who we need to become.

Wherefore let them that suffer according to the will of God commit the keeping of their souls to him in well doing, as unto a faithful Creator. 1 Peter 4:19

If my life were perfect, not only would people not be able to relate to me, but I would not be able to empathize with them.  Besides, where is the trial of our faith if there is no trial? If there is no walking in the darkness alone?

There is a particularly insightful verse a little before the one above, in chapter 2 verse 20:

For what glory is it, when ye be buffeted for your faults, ye shall take it patiently? But if, when ye do well, and suffer for it, ye take it patiently, this is acceptable with God.

So we need to interact with others but not feel shame about falling short of our inner, unrealistic standards of perfection. In fact, it is our imperfections, our stories, our facing our shame (as Ms. Brown puts it) that gives us the genuine experiences of this life.

I wonder what it is that makes us feel that life, in order to be perfect, must be problem-free?

I wonder why it is that we feel that life doesn't operate like this--this idea of problem-free perfection--that we feel we are doing something wrong?

A lady I was speaking with last week said, "I just want to be happy.  Why do I have to have struggles?  It's not fair."

I felt prompted to share how Jesus Christ had a life full of problems and struggles and because of them he was able to empathize and love others.  "Maybe," I told her, "because of your experiences you will be able to understand how other people feel.  You will be able to look them in the eye and say, 'I know how you feel.'"

I mean, who has not wanted that level of empathy, especially when we are feeling so alone?

It reminds me of a couple of videos I came across yesterday:

Maybe it is good to care what others think, but not for the reasons I thought.  Maybe that is one of the central reasons of our existence: to experience pain ourselves, look at others around me and care, deeply and sincerely. To succor them, care for them and be genuine.  Be okay with our imperfections and share it.

Blogging has actually been a very interesting experience for me and my family.  I have felt pretty genuine in my presentation of our family. In fact, those moments and trials that may have seemed horrible and embarrassing (shame-ful?) when portrayed in the light of how I blog have been funny and, well, okay.  I have noticed that my kids--after reading the blog (my highest traffic source)--look on our crazy lives and their siblings with more tolerance and joy. It is almost as if our very transparent presentation of our imperfections and trials eliminates the shame or fear of shame that they might feel being in this large, diverse, crazy, homeschooling, LDS family.

Ms. Brown talks about sharing your stories of imperfection as a way of becoming shame-resilient.  We do have a lot of fears, I think, like in my first situation in this post about being mindful of the judgment (perceived or real) that we feel from those around us...the potential shame.

It can sure seem to be a burden to live surrounded by our own and others imperfection, but maybe through the enduring, sharing and relating we not only bless others but in some inexplicable way we heal ourselves.

"Using Family Councils to Improve Sabbath Day Observance"

So, when I got this topic to speak on  (and a very direct "6 minute time limit"), I'll admit I almost yawned.  Really? I thought.  How dry.

And then I thought about it.  And thought about it.  And thought about it.

The following is the "written" version of my talk, although true to my nature is it only a sketchy version, as I give myself a lot of leeway in following what I have written.  (There have been talks that I didn't refer to at all.)

I gave it last night...and did it in about 6 minutes, too :).  I think I gave a lot of hope to people who think that family councils have to be "perfect."  Well...

**************

A few years ago my family lived in Hungary. One weekend, my husband (the only Hungarian speaker among us) went to visit his parents who were on their mission in Norway. Sunday morning dawned bright and early as I had a two and a half hour "commute" to church via the public transportation system since we didn't own a vehicle. There were nine of us in all and it was no easy thing. When I showed up in our little branch, one of the few English speaking members approached me and asked, "Why did you come?" I thought about it and how I could express my "why" best in my whirlwind of emotions...in the simplest way.

I simply shared with him a quote I had heard from President Faust, that if we truly understood the significance of partaking of the sacrament each week, we would crawl on hands and knees to partake if necessary.  That was what I had done, and before and since then it has felt many times like crawling  on my hands and knees to get there!  Crazy kids, judging looks, last minute poopy catastrophes, skirts dragged down in front of the entire Primary, no sleep, contention...

While I do not understand the sacrament to that depth, nor its significance, I want to. I also want the Sabbath Day to be a delight, a day of rest. So I keep trying. Today, I will try and help you see why and how you can have a family council to truly make your Sabbath Day a delight.

Over the years, we have had family councils with varying degrees of success. With 11 children and 11 very strong personalities, it has seldom been ideal. Our best ones have been when deciding the reward for finishing the Book of Mormon...and even then, people have left frustrated.

In my mind, I felt that family councils should be perfect: what is "perfect"? Everyone listens? Everyone agrees by the end? Harmony of the 12 Apostles? Yah, right :).

This morning occurred to me that Family Councils aren't meant to be that way. They are just meant to be held. Council in Heaven: 1/3 rebelled, 1/3 ambivilent, 1/3 agreed. That sums it up! I definitely have some who represent the rebellious Lucifer in some councils :).

I remember at one point, we tried to do the following:

You may want to consider holding the general family council on Sunday, which is the first day of the week; families can review the past week and plan for the coming week. This may be exactly what your family needs to help make the Sabbath a delightful experience. --Ballard

Ummm...we experienced the opposite :). I began to stop recommending we have family councils, considering all the "Train Wrecks" of the past.

But, while we don't have them consistently, we do have them. And then the Stake President challenged us to have on Sabbath Day observance. We planned on it and then we let life get in the way. When Quinn was asked to give a talk about having family councils to improve our Sabbath Day observance, we thought, hmmm, maybe we should have one.

So, family councils. Let's look at them:

When preparing for this talk, I decided to get the inside scoop: Lily: "I like family councils. I feel like I get to be part of the decision. I like to know what is going on. I think it is nice to let my voice get heard."  This surprised me, since I didn't think she really enjoyed them.  It makes me think others might not be so set against it either.

Elder Ballard's continued:

No matter what our particular family situation is, it is critical that we understand the unique circumstances of each family member. Though we may share DNA, there may be situations and circumstances among us that may make us vastly different from each other and which may require the compassionate collaboration of the family council.

Amen!

To be effective, I believe family councils must have:

-Respect.

-Let everyone be heard.

-Don't judge.

We can learn how to proceed with a family council from the Primary song,

"I lived in Heaven":

1. I lived in heaven a long time ago, it is true;Lived there and loved there with people I know. So did you.Then Heav'nly Father presented a beautiful plan,All about earth and eternal salvation for man.2. Father said he needed someone who had enough loveTo give his life so we all could return there above.There was another who sought for the honor divine.Jesus said, "Father, send me, and the glory be thine."3. Jesus was chosen, and as the Messiah he came,Conquering evil and death through his glorious name,Giving us hope of a wonderful life yet to be—Home in that heaven where Father is waiting for me.

#1 Teach the doctrine or principle: lay the foundation.

#2 Open it up for discussion and ideas

#3 Get commitment or consensus: agency!

#4 Record it

#5 Refer back to it/follow up.

So, our own Sabbath Day Observance family council. We didn't have much time, but needed to have it, so we did the following:

1-prepped with short lesson on why keep the Sabbath Day holy: with the commandment and promised blessings...the why

2-brainstormed ways to make it better (list of "do's" not only "don'ts")

--go to sleep at reasonable time

--get our church clothes ready the night before

--sing the hymns in Sacrament Meeting

--(I have a daughter who likes to know strategies going into situations) have pre-assigned buddies for the little ones

--watch Bible videos

--write letters

--prep lessons before that morning

--tranquilizer darts for the little ones

(remember, these are just the brainstormed ideas...not everyone was on board with all of them, nor were they what everyone needed—particularly the tranquilizer darts! 11 different personalities, many opinions and needs.)

3-went  around and have each one express what they want to do to improve their Sabbath Day observance. Some excitedly committed to all. (We had to drag it out of some.  Some of my older ones had their arms crossed as they lounged back with a look of open "I am so done with this.") Some only opted for the tranquilizer darts. (Still have jokes about that one.)

4- wrote all the ideas down (all of them; we got a lot of smiles and comments about the tranquilizer darts, including from my protestant friend who spent the night a month or two ago)

5-referred to it on Saturday nights when I remembered to; bear testimony of it; do it myself.

It is important to do this without guilt trips or weighty or sarcastic follow-up comments.  That just kills agency.  And love.  And the Spirit, which is the most effective change-maker.  

We had it, it took about 20 minutes of torture (or a little longer) and then we kept living.  And trying, doing a lot of things right and some weeks just using the list as a way to re-commit and do better the next week.  And try to do it joyfully :).

Was it worth it?  I had my 14 year come up to me a couple months later and say, "You know, I really like Sunday. It makes me feel rested."

He is one of the tranquilizer dart boys. What came of our quick family council? Awareness. Meditation. Purpose. Results.

Doesn't have to be perfect. Doesn't have to be complicated.  Our Sabbath days are better. It is not an accident. It is a choice now. We don't always choose it, but we know how :)!  I know that as we follow the council to hold these family counsels we will be blessed.  

Enjoying the Light

Just had a huge ah-ha!!!

I was just praying, thanking Heavenly Father for the amazing joy and peace I felt while at the adult session of our Stake Conference last night. (Firm believer that you are blessed for being where you are supposed to be!) So much peace.  So much joy.

As I prayed, thanking Him, I thought of Alma's experience (chapter 36):

 12 But I was racked with ^aeternal ^btorment, for my soul was ^charrowed up to the greatest degree and racked with all my sins.

15 Oh, thought I, that I ^acould be banished and become extinct both soul and body, that I might not be brought to stand in the presence of my God, to be judged of my^bdeeds.

 16 And now, for three days and for three nights was I racked, even with the ^apains of a ^bdamned soul.

 17 And it came to pass that as I was thus ^aracked with torment, while I was ^bharrowed up by the ^cmemory of my many sins, behold, I ^dremembered also to have heard my father prophesy unto the people concerning the coming of one Jesus Christ, a Son of God, to atone for the sins of the world.

 18 Now, as my mind caught hold upon this thought, I cried within my heart: O Jesus, thou Son of God, ^ahavemercy on me, who am ^bin the ^cgall of bitterness, and am encircled about by the everlasting ^dchains of ^edeath.

 19 And now, behold, when I thought this, I could remember my ^apains ^bno more; yea, I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more.

 20 And oh, what ^ajoy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!

 21 Yea, I say unto you, my son, that there could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains. Yea, and again I say unto you, my son, that on the other hand, there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy.

That captured my feelings!  The feelings of joy last night and this morning contrasted so much with the feelings of anxiety, doubt and depression that I had been feeling...and it felt so amazing.  The thought came across my mind: maybe you felt the dark so you could more fully appreciate the light.

Opposition in all things.  That we may know the good from the evil.

"It is better for us to pass through sorrow and pain that we may know the good from the evil."

Adam and Eve were cast from the garden of Eden so they could progress, so they could improve...so they could experience this contrast and know to choose the good.

Right now, I will enjoy the light.