The Gift of Imperfection

I thought that I didn't care what people thought of me.  I mean, look at me.  I homeschool, have a million children and am a Mormon.  Trust me. I stick out like a sore thumb almost anywhere, a happy sore thumb :).

But the other day when I was chatting with a friend, I shared with her how I was so at peace on the Farm compared to here.  She responded, "Maybe it is because it is away from other people so you don't feel measured or judged and can just be yourself?"

But I thought I didn't care what other people thought, I replied in my head, a little puzzled.

As I have thought about this idea, though, I have realized that while I continue to do things that may look different, I am very aware of it and can feel a little defensive of it...or maybe am just mindful that others think differently and am at a deep level always preparing to brace myself for the criticism and judgment that I received, both perceived and real.  Sometimes it is very real.  And it does still hurt.

Maybe my friend was right.

I am also reading a book called "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brene Brown.  While she has a bit of a mouth on her, she also has a lot of good things to say.  It took me a while to get into it (writing style, not sure what), but last night I felt impressed to pick it up again after a couple of months and some words reminded me of things I have been thinking about lately...
...about the Amish and their humble acceptance of God.
...about why I do what I do: do I care if my house is perfectly clean (laughable...it is never) when the missionaries come over for dinner?  It is good to be clean, but is it worth losing the Spirit in my home to be frustrated and push those around me to help in an un-Christlike way?
...why or should I share my beliefs with others?

Yesterday I was musing about something that had happened the previous week, some frustrating hiccup in the process of getting Kel ready for his mission and college afterward...or series of hiccups.  I think things are finally coming together but as I pondered on the process yesterday, I thought, "It could have gone a lot more smoothly than this...I wonder why?"

"So you can be relate-able, my daughter" came the gentle reply from above.

I was impressed that God gives us as little struggle and trials as possible to make us who we need to become.

Wherefore let them that suffer according to the will of God commit the keeping of their souls to him in well doing, as unto a faithful Creator. 1 Peter 4:19

If my life were perfect, not only would people not be able to relate to me, but I would not be able to empathize with them.  Besides, where is the trial of our faith if there is no trial? If there is no walking in the darkness alone?

There is a particularly insightful verse a little before the one above, in chapter 2 verse 20:

For what glory is it, when ye be buffeted for your faults, ye shall take it patiently? But if, when ye do well, and suffer for it, ye take it patiently, this is acceptable with God.

So we need to interact with others but not feel shame about falling short of our inner, unrealistic standards of perfection. In fact, it is our imperfections, our stories, our facing our shame (as Ms. Brown puts it) that gives us the genuine experiences of this life.

I wonder what it is that makes us feel that life, in order to be perfect, must be problem-free?

I wonder why it is that we feel that life doesn't operate like this--this idea of problem-free perfection--that we feel we are doing something wrong?

A lady I was speaking with last week said, "I just want to be happy.  Why do I have to have struggles?  It's not fair."

I felt prompted to share how Jesus Christ had a life full of problems and struggles and because of them he was able to empathize and love others.  "Maybe," I told her, "because of your experiences you will be able to understand how other people feel.  You will be able to look them in the eye and say, 'I know how you feel.'"

I mean, who has not wanted that level of empathy, especially when we are feeling so alone?

It reminds me of a couple of videos I came across yesterday:

Maybe it is good to care what others think, but not for the reasons I thought.  Maybe that is one of the central reasons of our existence: to experience pain ourselves, look at others around me and care, deeply and sincerely. To succor them, care for them and be genuine.  Be okay with our imperfections and share it.

Blogging has actually been a very interesting experience for me and my family.  I have felt pretty genuine in my presentation of our family. In fact, those moments and trials that may have seemed horrible and embarrassing (shame-ful?) when portrayed in the light of how I blog have been funny and, well, okay.  I have noticed that my kids--after reading the blog (my highest traffic source)--look on our crazy lives and their siblings with more tolerance and joy. It is almost as if our very transparent presentation of our imperfections and trials eliminates the shame or fear of shame that they might feel being in this large, diverse, crazy, homeschooling, LDS family.

Ms. Brown talks about sharing your stories of imperfection as a way of becoming shame-resilient.  We do have a lot of fears, I think, like in my first situation in this post about being mindful of the judgment (perceived or real) that we feel from those around us...the potential shame.

It can sure seem to be a burden to live surrounded by our own and others imperfection, but maybe through the enduring, sharing and relating we not only bless others but in some inexplicable way we heal ourselves.