Anxiety Part 2

My mom sent me a beautiful email.  She has always been a great example about just doing what she could and (at least seeming :)...) to be at peace with what she couldn't.  She says herself that she is not much ruled by anxiety.  I say "seeming" because I know that there are things that she has struggled with emotionally, but overall, she does exude a feeling of acceptance of the Lord's will in her life and acknowledgment that she can only do so much.

My mom mentioned that perhaps the unfinished state of our house could have something to do with my anxiety right now...my feelings that I cannot create a feeling of peace and refuge for my family.  I have wondered about that as the construction process takes much longer than we originally anticipated.  Yes, Dave...you were right :).  I still remember sitting across from my dear brother at a restaurant before moving to New York, sharing our family vision with this house and hearing him say, "You know, Mary, projects like that always take longer than you think." I remember distinctly feeling, "Well, yes, but this case will be different..."  Mm-hm!  I guess not :).

I have smiled so many times at the fact that many of the homes here in western New York are in varying degrees of construction so if I were to have a home under constant construction and a state of huge unfinished-ness, this is the place to feel at home with that!  Love this place. Love the people. It is just a reality of where we are.

But yes.  I think that this is part of the problem that I need to deal with.  My mom finishes up her email to me with this:

We come from a perfect calm place called heaven. To feel that peace we need a piece of it on earth. But then I think of the people in Africa with a tin roof that are full of peace and happiness and everything I wrote above goes out the window. Remember I love you and be a little kinder to my daughter. Love those chillins for me! 

Hugs!  Mom

These thoughts have run ruts around in my mind as well.  This unfinished state has been a very physical, seemingly drawn out reminder of my own unfinished state.  The challenge all along has been to find the peace in the process. To find that Africa-like place of contentment in the process of acknowledging there is simply nothing more to be done. This is simply all we can do.  Maybe it is so hard to acknowledge after seeing God do so much with me? Maybe I am left wondering, if you can fix so many things miraculously, why not me?

I replied to my mom:

I have also felt the same thing about the people in Africa.  Maybe the difference is that that is all they can do with their resources?  And this is not?  Maybe this is all we can do with our resources? I am learning a great deal about "finishing things" and my obsession with that in this process. Maybe this is my way to learn?  Thanks for your love and thoughts.  Maybe it is because I am so hard on myself that I am like this. Unlike the Amish, I haven't truly embraced the realization that I am just not perfect and will not be in this life..  Why is that so hard to learn?  Maybe it is because I have felt moments of perfection...although that has always been at times when the Spirit has been there, supplementing and enhancing my own efforts and contributions to a moment.  Interesting.   

That phrase after all I can do has been running through my head as I have experienced several days in a row of non-Spirit enhanced days.  And not for lack of trying.  The Spirit has been here, but I have distinctly felt a pulling back of the usual divine intervention to bless and accentuate my efforts to be more than my capacity. To leave me to my own.  And I am forced to see that I do have limitations :).  And I can still find joy.

Let me see if I can capture this in words.

I have experienced many moments in my life where God has distinctly and hugely added His divine touch to my efforts and created miracles: in youth groups, plays, talks, my family...and I have loved it.   In fact, I now realize that I love it so much, that I have looked around at my home and irrationally thought: if I just push myself hard enough, this would all be done. I list all my projects and think, I have seen miracles before...if I just do more, than this would be done...And that horrible follow-up thought, so why isn't my life "better"?

Wow.  This writing process, again.  The things I am learning.

My mentality is wrong.  It is false.

It is as if I am inherently believing that life is truly a check-list that if I throw myself into it hard enough, God will keep helping me check off things that seem "bigger and better." But right now, it is as if He wants me to see that while it is true that "all I can do" is not very much, it is still beautiful.  And I can still feel peace.  And not beat myself up.  And I can trust Him and that the battles are truly His.  The judging, protecting and providing are truly His, as I referred to in my previous article about the covenant relationship with God, and my job is to love.

I am my worse slave-driver and I think He is trying to teach me to stop. Stop beating myself up.  Trusting more.  Maybe He is trying to teach me the beauty of my perceived imperfection...to stop and be still.  Numerous previous posts center on this and I sense that anyone reading must tire of the repetition :).  I read my last post and see all the fighting words in it, as thought throwing myself at it will defeat the problem when what I need to do is be submissive, humble, trusting.

In my Amish book, it says that an Amish person would never apologize for the dirty state of their house when someone walks in.  To do so, would be to claim that you and your home should be perfect and there is none perfect but God.  I have thought about this a lot lately.  And that I am, in effect, continuously apologizing to the world and beating myself up because I am not perfect.  But there is none perfect but God.

Now I need to make sure that I don't beat myself up because I beat myself up :).  Ahhhh, the cruel cycles we get ourselves into.  Maybe I don't need to "make sure" of anything.  Maybe I just need to go and listen to the birds outside my window, the stream at the bottom of my messy yard and breathe.

In. Out.

Have you ever watched kids on a merry-go-round,or listened to rain slapping the ground?
Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight,or gazed at the sun fading into the night?
You better slow down, don't dance so fast,time is short, the music won't last.

Do you run through each day on the fly,when you ask "How are you?", do you hear the reply?
When the day is done, do you lie in your bed,with the next hundred chores running through your head?
You better slow down, don't dance so fast,time is short, the music won't last.

Ever told your child, we'll do it tomorrow,and in your haste, not see his sorrow?
Ever lost touch, let a friendship die,'cause you never had time to call and say hi?
You better slow down, don't dance so fast,time is short, the music won't last.

When you run so fast to get somewhere,you miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry through your day,it's like an unopened gift thrown away.
Life isn't a race, so take it slower,hear the music before your song is over.