Parenting Lesson #7: How My Weaknesses and Sins Can Help My Children

Several years ago, I began to see qualities and (particularly) weaknesses that myself and my children share.  At first, I thought that they had that weakness because of my bad example.  I am sure that there is some truth in that.  However, one day it struck me that we do not come from heaven without, well, I'll call it "baggage" for lack of a better word.  As manifest by the fact that 1/3 of the hosts of heaven chose to rebel against God, we all had attitudes and weaknesses as part of the distinct make-up of our intelligences.  We see it in the unfolding of little personalities in babies at such a young age...and with such variety even within one home and one environment!

And we were sent to earth to allow our personalities and wills to unfold to a new degree when our spirit combined with our bodies...and our memory of heaven and God was muted by a veil.

Tough test.

Back to the kids. As I realized that the kids didn't come as "blank slates" a new idea occurred to me: perhaps these children were sent to my family because we shared similar weaknesses (and strengths?). There is power in this.  As I, the mother, struggle through my weaknesses,  I learn coping mechanisms or even how to overcome these weaknesses and either through example or sharing of testimony I can help that child learn to use the same techniques.

Or, probably more often than not, they can see how I am dealing with that weakness that we share and say, "Wow.  That method is not working for Mom...I'm going to find a better one."  Or, "I really don't like the manifestation of that weakness. I resolve to not allow it to govern my life like it does my mom's!"  I have observed the latter often in children--"I'm never going to do that!" when seeing a behavior in a parent...or anyone else, for that matter.

There is power in shared experiences.  Relate-ability, example, depth of compassion...

As I see my children struggle with serious issues and weaknesses, I am humbled, embarrassed and hopeful (depending upon the situation) as I can think back in my own life and struggles and think "hmmmm...I can relate to that..."  It boggles my mind at the brilliance of a God who can know us each so perfectly so that he could set up our families for this deep level of learning and compassion...if we let it.

This all ties into a quote I recently heard/read from a talk Kel recommended to me, "The Character of Christ" by David Bednar. (Transcript here.  Audio here.)

 Elder Maxwell specifically linked Christ's character to the infinite and eternal atoning sacrifice: 

Jesus' character necessarily underwrote His remarkable atonement. Without Jesus' sublime character there could have been no sublime atonement! His character is such that He "[suffered] temptations of every kind" (Alma 7:11), yet He gave temptations "no heed" (Doctrine and Covenants 20:22).
Someone* has said only those who resist temptation really understand the power of temptation. Because Jesus resisted it perfectly, He understood temptation perfectly, hence He can help us. The fact that He was dismissive of temptation and gave it "no heed," reveals His marvelous character, which we are to emulate. 

Perhaps the greatest indicator of character is the capacity to recognize and appropriately respond to other people who are experiencing the very challenge or adversity that is most immediately and forcefully pressing upon us. Character is revealed, for example, in the power to discern the suffering of other people when we ourselves are suffering; in the ability to detect the hunger of others when we are hungry; and in the power to reach out and extend compassion for the spiritual agony of others when we are in the midst of our own spiritual distress.   *(C.S. Lewis in "Mere Christianity")

Character.  A test of character.  Parenting is definitely that, but I never thought about it on this level.  We are called upon to reach out to our struggling children in even the depth of our own weakness and strive together, with love, to overcome...or turn to the Lord together to overcome.

With love.  That is a trick.  Typically I hate the weaknesses I see within myself and unfortunately can be really hard on my children who manifest those same weaknesses. It is like having 11 little mirrors surrounding me.  No wonder some days it can be daunting!

However, how powerful this can be to identify the conflict, the resentment, perhaps the reason behind the struggles we have with some of our children!  The loathing that we have toward that sin within us turned outward is so easy!  How much harder to show character and "recognize and appropriately respond to other people who are experiencing the very challenge or adversity that is most immediately and forcefully pressing upon us.

"Love thy neighbor (or thy child) as thyself" takes on new meaning to me.

How powerful again that Christ truly experienced all temptation.

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I was putting photos into this post because I have a deep belief in the power of art to teach us on a deeper level.  I try to follow the Spirit in directing me to art that feels like it fits and communicates.  As I was selecting the one below Bednar's quote, of a person helping another person up, I realized that in all these pictures of someone helping someone else up, it was because the helper had already climbed up that rock, that mountain, that obstacle and could now reach down and help the other up to higher ground.  Let us not pridefully keep our experiences to ourselves!  Prayerfully and humbly follow the Spirit in lifting those around us to the higher ground that we have found!

Mountains, Climbing, Exertion.  I love this image because it captures on a physical level what we are doing spiritually and emotionally.    Or perhaps, we are simply standing up after laying down, sick and afflicted.

"The greatest battles we will ever face will be fought within the silent chambers of our own soul."

Truer words were never spoken.

So regardless of whether or not someone we love or we ourselves are climbing that mountain or just standing up, let us recognize this truth:   To rise up requires at least two things--intention and exertion.  It is a change of direction and is definitely most effectively done with the help of another who is right there and has made that same effort with the same intent.  We see where they are and desire to be there.

Another ah-hah: whether after climbing or standing, our ability to see increases, our scope of visibility expands...and hopefully we can look around and see others who need help up, who are also looking up to rise or climb.

Let us weep together, mourn together, struggle together and rise together.  However, we cannot do it most effectively on our own or through our own will-power. Back to Bednar's talk:

We can in mortality seek to be blessed with and develop essential elements of a Christlike character. Indeed, it is possible for us as mortals to strive in righteousness to receive the spiritual gifts associated with the capacity to reach outward and appropriately respond to other people who are experiencing the very challenge or adversity that is most immediately and forcefully pressing upon us. 

We cannot obtain such a capacity through sheer willpower or personal determination. Rather, we are dependent upon and in need of "the merits, mercy, and grace of the Holy Messiah" (2 Nephi 2:8). But "line upon line, precept upon precept" (2 Nephi 28:30) and "in [the] process of time" (Moses 7:21), we are enabled to reach outward when the natural tendency is for us to turn inward.

 

This video bears watching again in light of my thoughts...character.   How comforting to know that God doesn't expect us to do it alone.  We just need to recognize that "we are dependent upon and in need of 'the merits, mercy, and grace of the Holy Messiah' (2 Nephi 2:8)"

And sometimes all we can do is weep together...