Who Am I?

I had an interesting chance to do some deep reflection this last weekend. My husband asked me what I wanted to do and eat on my birthday.  I received some sweet gifts of cash from both sets of my parents, cash for me to spend on whatever I want.

...so what did I want?  What do I want?

A conversation on Sunday with a friend as well as prayers and thoughts I have had lately all came to a head:  who am I?  what makes me happy?  what do I want to do?

On Sunday, we also had a lesson in Primary in which we shattered plates, representing what the Pioneer Saints of my faith sacrificed to build a temple to their God when they were living in poverty, in transition.  Some of the kids were horrified.  Most of the boys were pretty joyous.

"What would you sacrifice to go to the temple? What would you sacrifice to be with your family forever?"  It spawned incredible examples of sacrifice, most of them stemming from our little visiting non-member boys: I would sacrifice my life, said one dear little 10 year old boy.

I felt prompted to play the song, "If you could hie to Kolob" as I wrote this post:

"If you could hie to Kolob in the twinkling of an eye..."  would you?

Can we not sacrifice today to receive those blessings of the temple?  Can we not draw near unto Kolob, unto God, today?  What do I really desire?

I could brainstorm all day on that!  There are so many awesome things to do, to become:
-shooting with my bow and arrow
-"finishing" my scrapbooks
-reading amazing classics
-take classes, learn, grow!!
-playing games with my children
-budget better and learn how to attain financial freedom
-work on the house with my husband and make it beautiful
-be with my husband!
-collect amazing art!!  Create art!!
-make delicious and amazing food
-be healthy and exercise and do yoga
-spend more time talking with and being with family and friends that I love so much!
-family history research and go to the temple more often...
...and on and on and on, right?  All good things.  But why do I want them?  Do I want what is on the other side of those actions enough to sacrifice for them?

So what do I want? And am I what I want?
Am I what I need? Or am I deeper than that?

I realized that I often spend so much time trying to figure out what I want or need at any given moment that I let it cloud that deeper question of who am I?

Moses saw God, who showed him His own might and glory and wisdom, asking:

 3 And God spake unto Moses, saying: Behold, I am the Lord God ^aAlmighty, and ^bEndless is my ^cname; for I am without beginning of days or end of years; and is not this endless?

God then brings his message home when, after showing Moses just a glimpse of what God is, God states:

 4 And, behold, thou art my son;

And what does that mean?  We can be like Him!  The potential!

...wherefore ^alook, and I will show thee the ^bworkmanship of mine ^chands; but not all, for my ^dworks are without ^eend, and also my ^fwords, for they never cease.

 5 Wherefore, no man can behold all my ^aworks, except he behold all my ^bglory; and no man can ^cbehold all my^dglory, and afterwards remain in the flesh on the earth.

"And you are my son..."

 6 And I have a work for thee, Moses, my son; and thou art in the ^asimilitude of mine ^bOnly ^cBegotten; and mine Only Begotten is and shall be the ^dSavior, for he is full of ^egraceand ^ftruth; but there is ^gno God beside me, and all things are present with me, for I ^hknow them all. 

You can do it.  We are so much more than what we want or need.  Those are only external manifestations or feelings, right?  God said He will provide our needs as He does for the sparrow and will even give us glory like the lilies.  Our wants and needs do not determine who we are...unless we let them become our focus.  Then we kind of lose who we really are, do we not?

I recognize that I chose, on a daily basis, what I will do. I could stop caring for my children. I could hire someone to watch them lovingly while I exercised, projected, went to work, etc.  I am not trapped here. I am choosing to stay because I do not like the alternative...and for the most part I really like what I do. :)  I like my life. I like my choices.  Yes, I wish I had more time to do all those "wants" and "needs" but do I have a deep enough testimony of and faith in eternity that I can trust that they will happen?

*****************

The other night I was musing over this question, "what do I want not just for my birthday, but for my life?"  As the stress and chaos of screaming children and dirty kitchen seemed to press on me, I realized it was all a choice.  This life I have.  What I do with what I am given.  I have had friends walk away from the screaming children and dirty kitchen...and become lost.

Again, who am I?

As my spirit became agitated with the chaos, the Spirit whispered, "You know that the way to find peace is to lose yourself in service."  Ahhhh...reaching out.  Hmmm...

The world's way of "finding ourselves" is very selfish.  Seek what makes you happy, what you desire...then you will become who you want to become.  God's answer to me that night was different and I internalized a new vision of myself, a new purpose, that I hope will stay with me.

"Lose your life, for my sake, and you will find it..." came the whisper.

I will find myself on the other side of You.

What sacrifice does that take?  Pride.  Ouch.