Conflict = Lack of Understanding?

Exploration of Principle
This morning I was reading in the Book of Mormon in 1 Nephi 15.  I had just read how Nephi explained his father's vision of the Tree of Life and the Iron Rod.  A passage stood out to me at the end of verse 20:

...And it came to pass that I did speak many words unto my brethren, that they were pacified and did ^dhumble themselves before the Lord.

It hit me.  They understood and they were pacified.

It made me wonder: was that their problem all along, they didn't understand...truly understand what was going on or how to make things work out?

Going to Jerusalem to get the plates...did they really understand its significance in the lives of millions of people of what they were about?

The three trials before they got the plates...did they understand it was perhaps a test to see how much they depended upon God?  And so that God could comfort them with a reassurance of His great power and majesty?

I think they had great understanding of the significance of going to visit Ishmael to get wives, which reminded me of the following cartoon in the most recent New Era:


But, truly...think about other cases of contention, especially the big one:  Nephi has more power than us, and we are the big brothers!!!

Did they understand that priesthood authority (the power that Nephi had) is activated through service?  Did they realize that they, too, could have that power?  No, they didn't understand.

This line of thinking led me to reflect on the three levels of learning as outlined by Bednar in his book "Increase in Learning"
-Knowledge: learn something about the topic or concept
-Understanding: apply it to yourself and to your heart
-Intelligence: act on that transformation and make it a part of you.

It is much deeper than that, but that is basically it:  you learn about something with your mind, you internalize it and ponder it and think about it on different levels and applications, then you act on it create intelligence.

Laman and Lemuel knew plenty of things.  They weren't stupid.  However, they didn't apply their knowledge to understanding.

Self-Application
So, I thought, how does this apply to me?  Does every case of my frustration or anger arise out of lack of understanding?  I cannot think of one that does not.

I am frustrated because of how someone treats me or misunderstands me.  Not only do they lack understanding in the last case, but perhaps I lack understanding about their mental state or the role that this opposition plays in my own development.  God has perfect understanding and in every case where I am frustrated, whenever I have sought His understanding (like Laman and Lemuel sought Nephi's) I have found peace.

Dry-walling is going slow, grrrrr....Mary, you lack understanding in God's time-table or how this experience it teaching you, changing you.  If I lack humility and the desire to understand, like Laman and Lemuel, I will continue to bash my head up against the walls of frustration, revenge, hatred and anger.

Is this truly the way to resolve all conflict and frustration in our lives?  At least from our perspective?  To seek understanding?

Moving Forward
Sadly enough, when I wrote "hatred," I thought...do I hate anyone?  A little voice answered in my mind. The only person you truly hate is yourself.           .  Tears in my eyes.  Sigh.  The clarity that comes with writing.

The mudding analogy of a previous post whispers that with the Light of Christ beside me, that is a blemish in my drywall that needs to be addressed but with His loving illumination, it, too, will be healed and covered and sanded clean away.

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As I reviewed this post before publishing it, I decided to segregate it into sections...you know, make it easier to read.  As I did so, I realized that I unintentionally followed the three steps of creating intelligence:

-Exploration of Principle- Knowledge
-Self-Application- Understanding
-Moving Forward- Intelligence

I know that this is a true way to become intelligent in who we are and to find peace in a greater understanding of God's view of the world.

For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts...Isaiah 55:9

Parenting Lesson #9: Tantrums

Last night, I watched as my five year old screamed and rolled around in her bed, wadding all her blankets up impossibly after I told her to go to bed.

"I can't fix my blankets!!!!" she wailed, not stopping in her thrashing or her whining.

Softly, I told her, "If you just ask nicely for help, I would be happy to help you. I can't really help you if you are throwing a tantrum."  Kicking out she hurt her foot hard on the top of the bunk bed.

Unaffected, her tantrum continued as the Spirit opened the eyes of my understanding.  I am so often like this child, throwing a tantrum in my circumstances.  Heavenly Father is there patiently (and sometimes amusingly) waiting for me to stop and nicely ask for help.

I saw myself so clearly in the meaningless yet consuming emotion of whining and His role in my life.  Laughing ruefully, I shared my connection with my other children and we felt the truth of it.  Ouch.  I am quite the tantrum thrower.

Thanks for the lesson, my dear little Papaya. :)

Mudding Lessons

Someone asked me if they could pay my husband and I to do some mudding and sanding for them in their attic.  It was like a sucker-punch to the gut.  I dread mudding more than I dread child-birth...and there is no cute baby on the other end. (No, clean, smooth walls are not even close.)

However, it gave me pause to think about mudding.  I thought about how much someone would have to pay me....hmmm, I don't think there is an amount.  Why not? I thought.  Last night I realized that it is not the mudding itself that I hate.  I hate that it is a process of imperfection that you can't (well, I can't) just do right the first time.  I hate that I have to do it over and over and over and I still feel like I am missing something and doing it wrong.  And the worst part?  While I am making mistake after mistake after mistake, I am leaving my kids and spending time...well, working with mud.  That is the worst part.  Day after day of pushing them away from me so I can pretend like I am finishing something.

This mental process was good.  It helped me be happy when I am mudding (right now early in the morning before everyone wakes up).

As I was mudding, I was thinking about another lesson.  My friend told me how mudding is so much like the Atonement.  You think your wall is done and beautiful...and then you shine the light on it.  Oh, the blemishes that arise!  It is so discouraging.  How much is that like our life!  My friend pointed out how the light is like the Light of Christ that brings to like our own mistakes and blemishes we need to work on and it is even more painful than discovering hours of work was still not enough.  (More painful, yes, although that is pretty painful.) However, as I worked with that light right beside me as I mudded this morning, it helped to direct where to mud and sand so that I could fix those spots.

You know, those mudding spots or blemishes aren't necessarily gone...they are just covered completely.  So completely, in fact, that with a coat of paint, you would be unable to even know where the drywall screws and mistakes were. How true that is with our own lives!  Yes, we are washed clean, but the things we learn from our mistakes and sins are still there...but not as blemishes for others to see.  They strengthen our walls, teach us and serve as reminders...but below the surface and completely "mudded" and smooth.

Jordan's Poem

Knowing this young man and sharing part of his journey makes this poem all the more meaningful.  Thanks, Jordan..

Approaching the towering steeples, gods of stone,
Their shadows, fierce and cold.
Rising high.
The kings sit, rugged, on their thrones.

The climb grows steeper, the vast cliffs, unearthly.
The mountain seems to lure you,
Dare you enter.
While sentinels await the unworthy.

But upon the pass, the gods see you, let you stay,
They know the struggle of the climb,
The journey.
They show the paths they once took, and send you on your way

As the journey wanes, the guardians bid you adieu,
You've shown the might, strength, faith,
That the kings require.
And the mountains leave their gift, their heart, locked deep inside of you.

And as you stand within their shadow, back in the world below,
Not fierce, but gripping, grasping,
Upon your heart,
Their fingers fell, and the gods will not let go.

For it is not in the crowd, 'mid tumultuous noise,
Where kings come to their glory,
But in the mountains, where on thrones sit,
The gods that once were boys.

--Jordan Housholder

Love will prove itself in the long run

This is a pretty vulnerable post, so please be forgiving.  I was going to just keep it in my private journal, but the Spirit said to share it.  Here's hoping that someone else can benefit from my journey.
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I was on facebook and hurting for a friend. I want her to know of my love. I know that I am imperfect and probably hurt her in my imperfection but it is not intentional. I know that I love her.

I spend a great deal of my time trying not to hurt people.  It is important to me because I hate to see people hurting.  I hate it when my stupidity, ignorance, selfishness or failings make other people suffer.  I think it is one of my deepest fears.

As I was thinking of this friend, the "If" poem by Kipling came to mind:
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise...
It struck me that if I do love someone and am genuine in my actions (however imperfect) and if I continue to show my love for them, it will eventually work out.  All truth will come to light. They will see that I am genuine and my love is real. I do not need to convince them in the moment. I can just be constant, peacefully following promptings or inclinations or desires to reach out to them in love.  When it is rebuffed or (my own worst case scenario) misunderstood, it hurts.  However, it doesn't need to define our eternal relationship.  Humorously enough, the scene from "What about Bob?" comes to mind, when he refers to people being "disconnected" for a bit, but that he will try them again later if it doesn't work out right then.

I love many people.  People are easy to love, I find. But then the part of "proving" my love has gotten a little wacko.  I worry that they do not feel my love. I worry that my love isn't enough. I worry that I am too goofy, too thoughtless, too busy to love them enough so that they know it.  And so I try too hard.  Or I don't try enough.

So this epiphany is pretty freeing for me: that if I just love people with what I have and what I can give, it is enough.  It may not be enough in the moment for them to know that I love them, but it will eventually be proven by little acts here and there that the constancy of my love is there.

What is love?  Good question.  When I think of what it means to love people, ideas like "acceptance," "nonjudgmental," "supportive," "embracing and enjoying differences and uniqueness" come to mind.

The passage on charity in Moroni is pretty defining:

 45 And ^acharity suffereth long, and is ^bkind, and ^cenviethnot, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily^dprovoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. (Moroni 7: 45 from the Book of Mormon)

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I am no saint.  I am not perfect in my love for anyone nor my demonstration of it.  Years ago when I started realizing what a selfish, judgmental person I had become, I began to plead for true charity, which is a gift from God, not something that we just learn or develop on our own. 

 48 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, ^apray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true^bfollowers of his Son, Jesus Christ;

So to love people, seeing them as God sees them, is a gift and a gift that I cherish.  When I am humble enough to use it, it is breathtakingly powerful.  My capacity to reach out and recognize the beauty and greatness of another soul is so limited.  Maybe that is my quandary: God is gifting me with a glimpse of how He sees and loves people...of course, I cannot possibly recognize and fulfill that love for them on my own!  Coupled with God's love, just as the vision of their radiance is also coupled with His sight, my little love is sufficient.

I am surrounded by many people who demonstrate this love and acceptance of others.  My own two dear mothers are great examples of this, as are so many of the women around me.  My husband is one of the most charitable, non-judgmental people I know.  So as we go around seeing people with God's glasses and feel inadequate to love them to the extent that we see God's love for them, we need to trust that God's love, combined with our own, is sufficient.

Life in the Fast Lane

The other day, I was feeling a little overwhelmed by the pace of our schedule.  As I sat in church, pondering over all the awesome activities we had just done and had planned ahead to do, I thought, "Heavenly Father!  Where is the brake pedal in my life? I feel like I am out of control!"

The answer came gently but with a touch of amusement in it. " My daughter, the brake pedal isn't the problem.  You have to take your own foot off of the gas."

Point taken.

God's Secret Check-list of my Life

This morning, I was having a good heart-to-heart with God.

As I thought about what I truly wanted to do or even what I truly wanted for Him to help me with in my life, I found myself unable to articulate it for a while.  Do I want my kids to be happy?  Yes, but not at the expense of their learning and coming closer to God.   Do I want God to help me be the "perfect" mother?  What does that even mean? I feel like God wants me to analyze that question, to truly come to understand what that looks like...and I have been learning more and more that the world's version of "perfect" is not God's.


A friend at the park the other day said that we over-use that word: perfect.  In fact, he challenged me to find reference to the word "perfect" in the ordinances and ceremonies of our holy temple.  He said that he has never found it himself, and that "perfect" in the original sense of the word is not attainable in this life.

Thinking about this, I don't know that I agree. I understand that it means "complete" as used in the Bible when Christ commands us to be perfect as our Father in Heaven is perfect.  In Alma, though, he teaches that aspects of knowledge of righteous things can be perfect in this life.  Hmmm...interesting.

Anyway, back to my heart-to-heart, as I struggled to verbalize what it was that I truly wanted and my challenge of knowing what was best to even desire, I realized something about myself. I think underneath all my wantings and yearnings I harbor an unvoiced belief that God has some kind of ideal check-list of how my life should go.  A check-list of "best" that He doesn't reveal to me but that I have to guess.  And I fear that my belief is that it is pretty specific and pretty minute-to-minute.

 But my experiences of the past few weeks of trying to more humbly (and not grudgingly) follow His inspiration has given me experiences to the contrary. It has been almost as if once I do the few things He specifically directs me to do, He steps back and says, "Now enjoy your day and all those wholesome and worthy things your heart desires to do.  There is no wrong way to do it."

Fear.  Fear that I am doing something "wrong."  I see it in my children and the Lord's way is not one of fear.  Hmmm again.    Things to think about...and things to let go.

Time to go and enjoy all those good things :).

What Do I REALLY Want?

Yesterday, as I was dry-walling with the Goob, the following song came on:

I have always felt a trifle guilty after listening to this song...or at least more resolved to spend more time with my kids.  But yesterday, as I listened, a different meaning came to light.

I think it is more about what we really want.  I have always felt bad for the dad in the song, knowing that taking care of a family does take time. It does take sacrifice.  A father cannot always be there for his kids' games because he has to pay for their games...or a mother, for that matter.  The fact is that there are definitely some times when you have to just take care of physical, maintenance needs.

But the deeper question struck me, a question my friend Abby brought up when we were doing baby pool time together: "Do you live to work or do you work to live?"

I think that is the message behind this song: it is not that we have to drop everything and be with our children when they ask us to spend time with them.  What do we really want?  Do we spend so much time working or in projects that we just crash at the end of the day and push the people away that we are working for?  Do we spend the weekend just thinking of recovering for Monday?  Or do we work so that when we are not working, we can really live?  You know, love, breathe, make memories, have experiences with those who are most dear?

As I thought about this, a profound thought struck me: God's work and glory is not to create worlds without number.  His work and glory is His family..."to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man."

Do we want what God wants?  To "work to live" is the ultimate end of the path that leads us to God.  Is that what we truly want?  Or do we just want the rush that comes from working and building...good things in themselves, but perhaps not the end thereof?  He gives us this life to choose.  Family or work.  Others or self.  We can choose what we want.  He will lead us along if we want His choice or will leave us to our own devices if we chose otherwise.

What do you truly want? God will let you chose where and what you put your time into but not the consequence of your choice.  Those consequences of choice are pre-set and clearly manifest in the lives of others around us, the arts and the scriptures.  And God loves agency enough to let us figure our priorities out for ourselves.

"He call, persuade, direct aright, 
And bless with wisdom, love and light,
In nameless ways be good and kind
But never force the human mind." ("Know This That Every Soul Is Free" Hymn #240)

It made me think of building our house in a whole new light. It is not a finished house I should be focused on now. It is how building this house is building my family, teaching us and helping us learn lessons of work, sacrifice, doing a job well, finding happiness in any situation.  It is not "putting the baby to sleep" that is the ultimate end, but using that time to put him to sleep (a necessary thing in itself) to strengthen our relationship.

I am a check-list kind of girl.  What do I really want?  To "finish" and check all those little items off my list? Oh, the warm fuzzies of it all :)! To live to work? To get projects done? Or is it lasting and meaningful relationships?  The items on my list can still get checked off. I know God is a god of order and planning.  But perhaps He just knows how to see the big picture of what needs to be worked on in the moment: a project or a relationship and it is our challenge to do the same...

Hmmm....food for thought.  I will have to think about this some more....

Bad Day

"Mary, I just feel so selfish sometimes it scares me!"

My friend and I were having a great heart to heart on Sunday and we both left feeling uplifted and strengthened.  And then Monday happened.

Have you ever seen "Facing the Giants" and the coaching/struggling scene?

Boy.  That was yesterday.

I felt insane, I felt crazy. I felt bipolar.  I felt selfish.  I hated myself. I felt border-line nervous break-down at times.  Catatonic. Enraged.

I cried out to heaven, "Are you sure you will not give me more than I can handle???"

It was intense.  The kids were awesome.  Quinn was 100% supportive.  I was dry-walling, everything felt like it was going wrong and it felt that each new piece of drywall that went up took hours.  And they did.  Three and a half pieces.  The whole day. I didn't really feel the Spirit with me at times and then at times I could feel the Lord teaching me. I yelled. I cried. I accused wrongfully. I apologized.  It was just a day that was just so hard.

Most days are pretty good. I ride high on the wings of the Spirit. Sunday was like that.  Bi-polar?  Maybe a little.  Yesterday, though...I was ready to quit on all kinds of levels.

Remember that scene?  This morning as I thought about yesterday, the end of the scene where the coach is yelling, "Don't quit!!!!  Don't quit!!!!  I need you."

Maybe there is a method to God's madness, but sometimes it sure hurts.  Maybe someone else out there can relate and you can just know that you are not alone.

Don't quit.