This morning, I was having a good heart-to-heart with God.
As I thought about what I truly wanted to do or even what I truly wanted for Him to help me with in my life, I found myself unable to articulate it for a while. Do I want my kids to be happy? Yes, but not at the expense of their learning and coming closer to God. Do I want God to help me be the "perfect" mother? What does that even mean? I feel like God wants me to analyze that question, to truly come to understand what that looks like...and I have been learning more and more that the world's version of "perfect" is not God's.
A friend at the park the other day said that we over-use that word: perfect. In fact, he challenged me to find reference to the word "perfect" in the ordinances and ceremonies of our holy temple. He said that he has never found it himself, and that "perfect" in the original sense of the word is not attainable in this life.
Thinking about this, I don't know that I agree. I understand that it means "complete" as used in the Bible when Christ commands us to be perfect as our Father in Heaven is perfect. In Alma, though, he teaches that aspects of knowledge of righteous things can be perfect in this life. Hmmm...interesting.
Anyway, back to my heart-to-heart, as I struggled to verbalize what it was that I truly wanted and my challenge of knowing what was best to even desire, I realized something about myself. I think underneath all my wantings and yearnings I harbor an unvoiced belief that God has some kind of ideal check-list of how my life should go. A check-list of "best" that He doesn't reveal to me but that I have to guess. And I fear that my belief is that it is pretty specific and pretty minute-to-minute.
But my experiences of the past few weeks of trying to more humbly (and not grudgingly) follow His inspiration has given me experiences to the contrary. It has been almost as if once I do the few things He specifically directs me to do, He steps back and says, "Now enjoy your day and all those wholesome and worthy things your heart desires to do. There is no wrong way to do it."
Fear. Fear that I am doing something "wrong." I see it in my children and the Lord's way is not one of fear. Hmmm again. Things to think about...and things to let go.
Time to go and enjoy all those good things :).
As I thought about what I truly wanted to do or even what I truly wanted for Him to help me with in my life, I found myself unable to articulate it for a while. Do I want my kids to be happy? Yes, but not at the expense of their learning and coming closer to God. Do I want God to help me be the "perfect" mother? What does that even mean? I feel like God wants me to analyze that question, to truly come to understand what that looks like...and I have been learning more and more that the world's version of "perfect" is not God's.
A friend at the park the other day said that we over-use that word: perfect. In fact, he challenged me to find reference to the word "perfect" in the ordinances and ceremonies of our holy temple. He said that he has never found it himself, and that "perfect" in the original sense of the word is not attainable in this life.
Thinking about this, I don't know that I agree. I understand that it means "complete" as used in the Bible when Christ commands us to be perfect as our Father in Heaven is perfect. In Alma, though, he teaches that aspects of knowledge of righteous things can be perfect in this life. Hmmm...interesting.
Anyway, back to my heart-to-heart, as I struggled to verbalize what it was that I truly wanted and my challenge of knowing what was best to even desire, I realized something about myself. I think underneath all my wantings and yearnings I harbor an unvoiced belief that God has some kind of ideal check-list of how my life should go. A check-list of "best" that He doesn't reveal to me but that I have to guess. And I fear that my belief is that it is pretty specific and pretty minute-to-minute.
But my experiences of the past few weeks of trying to more humbly (and not grudgingly) follow His inspiration has given me experiences to the contrary. It has been almost as if once I do the few things He specifically directs me to do, He steps back and says, "Now enjoy your day and all those wholesome and worthy things your heart desires to do. There is no wrong way to do it."
Fear. Fear that I am doing something "wrong." I see it in my children and the Lord's way is not one of fear. Hmmm again. Things to think about...and things to let go.
Time to go and enjoy all those good things :).
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