A Safe Place to Fail

I often like to articulate what my purpose is in my different roles.  To write it down or say it out loud makes me clarify my thoughts amid the muddle that seems to keep me anxious about what my goals are when they are unclear and overwhelming.

This morning, I realized that one of my goals as a mother is to create an environment where my children can fail safely.  Where they can make mistakes, experience trials, grow and learn and experiment with different ideas that they feel they must pursue to become who they are.  For so long my goal has just been a safe place. Unfortunately, I have equated that with being safe from their own mistakes and the mistakes of others.  This is unrealistic and unhealthy.

Now, there are boundaries that I feel I must make to keep the environment as free from addictions as possible and that will change with the time and season, age and maturity, personality and needs of the child or children.  But I tend to take ownership for "mistakes" I see my children making. It struck me this morning that they need to make those mistakes and figure out how to overcome them internally...or at least develop a personal desire to overcome them from within and then they can turn to me or others for help.

My job is to be a cheerleader, have faith in them, express love and realistic expectations for them and correct them if their behavior is endangering themselves or others.  "Correct" doesn't have to equate "punish" as I have so often done.  I have been impressed recently in our "reading" (book on cd) of the "Little House on the Prairie" series.  This is my first time really reading them.  Their mother is quiet yet firm and I find myself guided by her more and more.  She is repetitive and firm in her expectations, but her statements are voiced in a quiet and loving way.  I tend to lace my voice with disappointment, scorn, frustration or even anger when I correct.  She simply stated it lovingly, firmly and quietly.

Doing so seems to allow the words to penetrate deeper, without causing a defensive "throwing up" of defensive walls in response to the negative emotions I so often use in my communication with my children.  I have seen a difference in my children's response and behavior in the short while I have been trying this different approach to "reproving betimes (immediately) with sharpness (specificity)."  I am grateful that God gives me space to make mistakes, experience trials, grow and learn and experiment with different ideas that I come across.  It is only just that I should do it for my own children.

Interestingly, this concept was tested this morning. One of my older children awoke at 2:30 am and, unable to sleep, was reading still when I came in their room this morning at 6:30 am.  From personal experience, I know that this can lead to further insomnia.  However, I didn't feel the usual "put out the fire!!!!" response--to curb the behavior in the making--but simply shared my personal experience in a loving way, expressed empathy for the situation and walked away with love...trusting that the light of Christ within them would motivate change far better than any force I created.

Not an hour later, as I mused on the beauty of "a safe environment" and how important it would be for the healthy emotional development of my children, Spooner (4) came dashing into the bathroom to use the toilet.  Several minutes earlier, I had told him he should try to go, since he was dancing.  Well, he didn't.  As he made this mad dash in, he pulled up the lid to the toilet and said, "Uh-oh." I looked over to see him emptying his very full bladder along the side of the toilet, completely missing the bowl.

I lost it.

"That is so stupid!" I exclaimed and plopped him into the bathtub.  "You will wait there until I have time to clean up your mess!!!" Continuing to vent my frustration aloud, I finished braiding Hava's hair and then turned to the yellow pool.  When I took a breath and actually was quiet, a still, small voice whispered, "What was that you were saying about creating a safe environment to fail? Is this what it looks like?"

Pause.  Gulp.
I guess it should start from their first moments in the home.  Sigh.

I apologized to my little boy as I sopped up the mess, although my heart wasn't completely where it should have been.  But it was a step in the right direction.  I guess I am still failing at and learning this new concept :).  Thank goodness my kids are so forgiving.  Time to be more like a child, I guess.

"All We Went For"

I just read an article from an Ensign by Elder Bednar describing Zion's Camp (July 2017?).  He goes over the many ways it seems that the expedition failed.

When a skeptical fellow Saint (who had turned down participation in the Camp) asked Brigham Young what he had gained from the "useless expedition," Brigham replied, "All we went for."

It made me think about my days that start out with a certain intent or plans that don't seem to come to fruition, despite my best efforts to follow the Spirit.  What is my attitude?  One of failure?  But what if I gained all that I went for...in God's way instead of my own?

Hmmm...

Is My Heart Right?

I was able to go to a seminary teacher training yesterday.  One of the presenters shared a dream that Joseph Smith's father had in the early 1800's before the translation of the Book of Mormon that was similar to Lehi's "tree of life" dream.  An interesting insight was that after Smith, Sr. had gathered his family to the tree to partake of the fruit, they fell to the earth, eagerly consuming as much of the precious fruit that lay about on the ground as they could.

That is what I felt my day was like yesterday.  There were many opportunities for me to partake of the love of God, to feel of His goodness, as I participated in the training.  At one point, I thought of leaving early.  The official presentations were done and the coordinators of the program invited us to visit the sacred sites around Palmyra before the concluding remarks.  They encouraged us to look for things that we could teach our students from our experiences there.  I have been to all the sites many times now and felt a relief that "I could go home" and do more of that work list that always seems to loom forefront in my mind. (I still have many boxes to check through and sterilize before reintroducing them into the house...among other things.)

However, as we were there at that moment of pulling away or continuing, the thought came to me: "Remember how as a leader you prayed for inspiration on how to best bless those you were teaching in Vanguard?  How you knew that if they just trusted your inspiration for the group and came to the trainings and participated in what you felt inspired to put on that they would be blessed?"  So we stayed. (Quinn was there with me.)

And we were blessed.

I would just like to record some of the "fruits" that I gained from being there.

Prayer
The keynote speaker led a beautiful discussion that was very guided by the Spirit.  In it, I was reminded of the power of Joseph Smith's prayer leading up to the First Vision and what probably made it more effective.  He went to a place to pray that he had previously designed to go.  So often I drop where I am and pray amidst distraction when I remember I haven't prayed yet that day.  While I believe God listens to every prayer, the Spirit touched me and suggested that my prayers could be more effective if I actually "previously design" when and where I am going to pray.  Yes, we should always carry a prayer in our hearts and needn't always get caught up in formalities, but as we discussed this idea of "previously designing" a place that is quiet and free from distractions, I was reminded of Elder Eyring's comments at the Face-to-Face with Youth at Palmyra.  He said that if we realized that we were truly approaching the throne of God as we pray, our prayers would probably change.

The few times I have treated prayers in this fashion have been deep and meaningful experiences.  It is not a matter, again, of formality or form, but where is my heart?  Is my heart right as I approach the commandments or "tool"of prayer?  Am I checking it off the list or do I really understand what prayer is and can do for me?

Efficiency vs. People
I don't know if I can capture this next thought adequately but I will try.

One of the presenters was a seminary director from Penn State, Brother Done.  He pointed out how Nephi wrote one comprehensive history and then ended up writing a smaller one later in his life that covered the same time period as the large one but focused on the spiritual matters: for what reason I know not.  It was like rewriting a comprehensive history again

Mormon abridged 400 years worth of records onto golden plates covering the time of Nephi to Benjamin...and then discovered Nephi's smaller plates (see Words of Mormon).  He included those small plates in their entirety, struck by how precious the truths in them were.  You can just see his appreciation of Nephi's spiritual summary of those 400 years.  It changed how he translated the subsequent records (see verse 9, I believe).  And that earlier record, "The Book of Lehi," ended up not even being used.

Joseph Smith translated the 116 pages, a huge labor and sacrifice on many counts.  Through disobedience all that work was similarly "wasted," from an economical standpoint.

The presenter pointed out, "Obviously, the Lord is not worried about efficiency.  He is worried about people."  This really hit me.  I think that underlying my philosophy in life is a striving for efficiency: how can I get all those good things done in my life the best way.  This carries over from places that it is perhaps more important (household cleaning) to places where it should not be so prevalent (working with people).  Yes, I should pay attention to ways to do things better, but what is the underlying feeling of my heart?  To see if I can get it done more quickly and more efficiently? Or to feel love for a person and genuinely try to help, serve and love them?  I am reminded of a talk by Pres. Uchtdorf, I believe, when he said that he just cannot see the Savior multi-tasking.

Is My Heart Right?
These various thoughts were tied together with a thought I had while on one of the tours of the sites afterward...one of those tours that I almost missed in the name of "efficiency."

Joseph Smith tried to retrieve the plates four different times but his heart was not right. In fact, one of the times he was able to actually pick them up and move them from the place where they lay.  He set them down, and then turned to the place in the ground, thinking, "I wonder if there is something else in there that would bless my family in their poverty."  He faced the reality of poverty his whole life and his heart's desire wasn't "evil." I just wasn't right.  And he missed out on the blessings.

When I do what God commands me, as Joseph was doing it, and my heart isn't right, I am not able to receive the blessings as fully and completely as I could if my heart was right.  If my heart is focused on efficiency, maybe I will become the most efficient person in the world.  But is that what I want?  Or do I want to feel God's love for others?  His love for me?

The Whole Earth Wasted
The concluding remarks were given my Brother Done.  Again, I almost left. They were over time and I had a bunch of cute little kids that needed me!  He asked us to consider the scripture that was repeated time and again to Joseph Smith:

1 Behold, I will reveal unto you the Priesthood, by the hand of Elijah the prophet, before the coming of the great and dreadful day of the Lord.

2 And he shall plant in the hearts of the children the promises made to the fathers, and the hearts of the children shall turn to their fathers.

3 If it were not so, the whole earth would be utterly wasted at his coming.

A gentleman offered a different interpretation of the word "wasted" from the one I generally use and hear.  Rather than "wiped out" he said it would be "a wasted effort."  Brother Done pointed out that the War in Heaven was over the implementation of God's plan.  And what was that plan?  To prepare a way that we could become like Heavenly Father.  And what is God?  A father.  A father with a huge family that He helps to grow and develop and loves without restraint. If our hearts are not turned to our families--both immediate and the family of man--, if we are not creating family units to become more like Heavenly Father in that very important step, the whole plan is wasted.

It is not about efficiency.  It never was.  It is about becoming like God, a God that exists outside of time and space. A God that worries about love first and efficiency second.

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The artwork is from a series called "Cloud Study" by John Constable.  Those are for you, my mother, and Mark.

What Does It Mean To Rejoice? Part 2

As I wrote and finished up my last post, I kept thinking about the promise to always rejoice.

What does that mean?  Surely it doesn't mean to be blissfully happy all the time.  Just because we are sad or down or struggling with depression, doesn't mean that we are unrighteous.  But how could I best explain that?

Well, yesterday I "happened" to be listening to Elder Holland's most recent conference address, "Songs Sung and Unsung": full talk here.  I will include excerpts that stuck out to me, hoping that they will capture the peace I felt as I listened to it for myself later to refer to and perhaps others that struggle with inner darkness despite their best efforts. 

“There is sunshine in my soul today,” Eliza Hewitt wrote, “more glorious and bright than glows in any earthly sky, for Jesus is my light.”1 ...But today I wish to lift out of context just one line from it that may help on days when we find it hard to sing or smile and “peaceful happy moments” do not seem to “roll.” If for a time you are unable to echo the joyous melodies you hear coming from others, I ask you to hold tenaciously to the line in this hymn that reassures, “Jesus listening can hear the songs [you] cannot sing.”2 

Among the realities we face as children of God living in a fallen world is that some days are difficult, days when our faith and our fortitude are tested. These challenges may come from a lack in us, a lack in others, or just a lack in life, but whatever the reasons, we find they can rob us of songs we so much want to sing and darken the promise of “springtime in [the] soul”3 that Eliza Hewitt celebrates in one of her verses. 

So what do we do in such times? ...In those moments when the melody of joy falters below our power of expression, we may have to stand silent for a time and simply listen to others, drawing strength from the splendor of the music around us. Many of us who are “musically challenged” have had our confidence bolstered and our singing markedly improved by positioning ourselves next to someone with a stronger, more certain voice. Surely it follows that in singing the anthems of eternity, we should stand as close as humanly possible to the Savior and Redeemer of the world—who has absolutely perfect pitch. We then take courage from His ability to hear our silence... 

On those days when we feel a little out of tune, a little less than what we think we see or hear in others, ...remember it is by divine design that not all the voices in God’s choir are the same....our Heavenly Father delights to have us sing in our own voice, not someone else’s. Believe in yourself, and believe in Him. Don’t demean your worth or denigrate your contribution. Above all, don’t abandon your role in the chorus. Why? Because you are unique; you are irreplaceable. The loss of even one voice diminishes every other singer in this great mortal choir of ours, including the loss of those who feel they are on the margins of society or the margins of the Church. 

But even as I encourage all of you to have faith regarding songs that may be difficult to sing, I readily acknowledge that for different reasons I struggle with other kinds of songs that should be—but are not yet—sung.... 

I find it hard to sing sunny, bouncy lyrics when so many around us suffer from mental and emotional illness or other debilitating health limitations. Unfortunately, these burdens sometimes persist despite the valiant efforts of many kinds of caregivers, including family members. I pray we will not let these children of God suffer in silence and that we will be endowed with His capacity to hear the songs they cannot now sing... 

Brothers and sisters, we live in a mortal world with many songs we cannot or do not yet sing. But I plead with each one of us to stay permanently and faithfully in the choir, where we will be able to savor forever that most precious anthem of all—“the song of redeeming love.”11 Fortunately, the seats for this particular number are limitless. There is room for those who speak different languages, celebrate diverse cultures, and live in a host of locations. There is room for the single, for the married, for large families, and for the childless. There is room for those who once had questions regarding their faith and room for those who still do. There is room for those with differing sexual attractions. In short, there is a place for everyone who loves God and honors His commandments as the inviolable measuring rod for personal behavior, for if love of God is the melody of our shared song, surely our common quest to obey Him is the indispensable harmony in it. With divine imperatives of love and faith, repentance and compassion, honesty and forgiveness, there is room in this choir for all who wish to be there.12 “Come as you are,” a loving Father says to each of us, but He adds, “Don’t plan to stay as you are.” We smile and remember that God is determined to make of us more than we thought we could be...

I had some follow-up thoughts in my scripture reading today, as I read the part after the promise of "rejoicing."  The following, I believe, is what God means by "rejoicing":
-you shall be filled with the love of God
-always retain a remission of your sins
-grow in knowledge of glory of God
-not have a mind to injure one another but live peaceably
-not suffer kids to go hungry or fight, but teach them
-succor those that stand in need of succor

I have felt deeply sorrowful and still been able to feel or experience all of those things.  Even though there are songs we cannot sing at times, we may still rejoice in the silent chambers of our heart as we feel God's peace and comfort...even as we suffer. 

Thoughts on Delivery and Rejoicing: Part 1

We are in the middle of deciding whether or not to just have this baby at home to save a little money.  I mean, why should I pay $2000 extra just so I don't have pain for 20 minutes...or really just for 5 minutes.  It is that 5 minutes of pushing that kills me at the end. I guess if I am going to have to have a home birth, I need to start talking about it differently too :D.  "It's not pain, just pressure," as Quinn always teases me.

He still insists that his injury of having to relocate his pinky (without anesthetics) was far worse than any childbirth pains I may imagine I am having :).  I love that man.

I am going to call a place today in Rochester, NY to see (1) if they drive to Medina for homebirth and (2) how much they charge.  I have changed practices further along in my pregnancy than this (for Pipalicious, it was one-two weeks before she was born due to insurance changes) and know it is not ideal to do it at 6 1/2 months along.  However, this is where we are at and I feel fine with it.

Time to check out a book on Hypno-birthing.  Just think pink fluffy tubby-custard clouds...
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I was reading in Mosiah 4 this morning and something hit me in verse 11.  That is a powerful verse, with so many layers of meaning to me over the years and this time there was a promise that stuck out.  Well, in verse 12, too. "even so I would that ye should remember, and always retain in remembrance, the greatness of God and your own nothingness, and his goodness and long-suffering towards you, unworthy creatures, and humble yourselves even in the depths of humility, calling on the name of the Lord daily and standing steadfastly in the faith of that which is to come, which was spoken by the mouth of the angel...And behold, I say unto you that if ye do this ye shall always rejoice.

"Ye shall always rejoice."

Wow.  After years of struggling with depression and anxiety, my mind calls out, Is it really so simple?  I think it is, looking back and based upon personal experience.  At least for me.  Part of the problem of my personal experience with depression, I believe, is being confronted with my own nothingness and struggling against that: this paradox that we are nothing yet somehow are of infinite worth to our Heavenly Father.  Not wanting to be nothing, but knowing we are nothing.

What does that mean exactly?  To be nothing?

I am thinking that it strips us of our entitlement.  That millenial sense of "everyone owes me" and "my life should be better than it is."  Once we get away from that, knowing our own nothingness and then seeing the manifestations of God's infinite and constant and unfathomable love for us...it can only bring peace.

But it must be truly felt, both the acceptance of our nothingness and the acknowledgement of all that we have.  This is a challenging promise.

Yesterday, I read a portion of a book by Brad Wilcox* that a friend copied and sent to me and in it, Bro. Wilcox references the experience of Peter walking on the water.  He compares it to us and how we all have moments where we try to put our trust more completely in Him and He turns around and asks something that seems impossible.  I was moved by the list that followed of "walking on water" like experiences (as he calls them) that God may call upon us to do:
-reject and resist every temptation, just as Christ did.
-overcome crippling habits and addictions
-change our very character, our personality, our desires, our lifestyle, our very thought patterns
-conquer fear
-fulfill and master God-given talents
-accept and develop a difficult--even an unwanted--calling
-consecrate all of our time, all of our talents, all that we have, and all that we ever will have, to the Lord's work and kingdom
-let go of the traditions of past prejudice, anger, and hate
-forgive the unforgivable
-love the unlovable
-maintain faith in a God of goodness i the face of the vast inconsistencies, trials, and unfairness of life
-learn to trust a God who allows incredible suffering and allows men to be cruel and inhumane to one another
-endure crushing disappointment or betrayal
-rise from a suffocating, oppressive, or abusive environment
-live chaste in thought and deed in an immoral, sexually exploitive world
-mend broken, deeply wounded relationships
-sacrifice our most precious things
-rejoice and be of good cheer in the midst of pain and unfulfilled longings

There were some things on this list that more deeply and personally affected me.  The challenge/promise made in Mosiah 4:11-12 makes me want to test it, plant that super small seed of hope and faith in my heart and act on it.  Does it work? If I am more truly repentant every day, if I am more mindful of how much I truly owe God all and He owes me nothing, if I am truly mindful of how much He blesses me anyway and shows His love in a multitude of ways...

...will I always rejoice?

What can I lose?

*Marni, what was the title and author again?

A Broken Heart

I just finished reading a fantasy series that taught me so much about leadership, communication and consecration.  It has been that last that I have really been thinking about the last couple days.  Two of the main characters are afraid of their own weaknesses.  They are afraid that their imperfections will get in the way of the great work they have to do.  They are afraid that in really listening to others they may be manipulated.  They are afraid that in really loving others and giving themselves to them, they will lose the strength they need to succeed...that they would be hurt.

Both these characters learn, in beautiful and deeply touching ways, that they need to let go and open their hearts to be able to accomplish the great work they were called to do.

As I was reading in Mosiah yesterday, I was reminded of when King Benjamin tells his people that even if they were to offer their whole souls as an offering to God, even yet would they be unprofitable servants.  But God wants our whole heart.  Our whole broken heart.

In the past I have viewed this broken heart as something truly broken but what if that breaking is in fact like the breaking of a dam, a dam that has shut up our river of potential to truly love and serve.  We are to offer our whole souls, our whole hearts to him. Our agency.  Every part of us, weaknesses and strengths.

It was beautiful to behold in the fantasy book, this process that happened at the end of the 14 book long series, this process whereby these sincere characters find strength in letting go.  They can listen to others, love them, accept their imperfections and move on in spite of them and even use them as strengths!  Perhaps I needed to see this release of fear, this release of perceived control to see how my life can be better as I let go of these fears and seek to more truly offer a broken heart, an open heart.

 I have felt it the past few days, this softening.  My anxieties have diminished.  My trust has grown. The strength I perceived that was my own, a strength contrived by how strong I was making these protections around my heart...this false strength has been replaced with a calm.

Am I enough?  It no longer matters.  God is enough.

Perhaps I needed to see this in a fantasy context, with magic and inner power struggles, to see the process of what truly letting my heart be broken looks like.  It is initially a very vulnerable process but feels deeply right.

I have years of built in defensiveness that I may need to keep re-training.  But for now, I like this.