I often like to articulate what my purpose is in my different roles. To write it down or say it out loud makes me clarify my thoughts amid the muddle that seems to keep me anxious about what my goals are when they are unclear and overwhelming.
This morning, I realized that one of my goals as a mother is to create an environment where my children can fail safely. Where they can make mistakes, experience trials, grow and learn and experiment with different ideas that they feel they must pursue to become who they are. For so long my goal has just been a safe place. Unfortunately, I have equated that with being safe from their own mistakes and the mistakes of others. This is unrealistic and unhealthy.
Now, there are boundaries that I feel I must make to keep the environment as free from addictions as possible and that will change with the time and season, age and maturity, personality and needs of the child or children. But I tend to take ownership for "mistakes" I see my children making. It struck me this morning that they need to make those mistakes and figure out how to overcome them internally...or at least develop a personal desire to overcome them from within and then they can turn to me or others for help.
My job is to be a cheerleader, have faith in them, express love and realistic expectations for them and correct them if their behavior is endangering themselves or others. "Correct" doesn't have to equate "punish" as I have so often done. I have been impressed recently in our "reading" (book on cd) of the "Little House on the Prairie" series. This is my first time really reading them. Their mother is quiet yet firm and I find myself guided by her more and more. She is repetitive and firm in her expectations, but her statements are voiced in a quiet and loving way. I tend to lace my voice with disappointment, scorn, frustration or even anger when I correct. She simply stated it lovingly, firmly and quietly.
Doing so seems to allow the words to penetrate deeper, without causing a defensive "throwing up" of defensive walls in response to the negative emotions I so often use in my communication with my children. I have seen a difference in my children's response and behavior in the short while I have been trying this different approach to "reproving betimes (immediately) with sharpness (specificity)." I am grateful that God gives me space to make mistakes, experience trials, grow and learn and experiment with different ideas that I come across. It is only just that I should do it for my own children.
Interestingly, this concept was tested this morning. One of my older children awoke at 2:30 am and, unable to sleep, was reading still when I came in their room this morning at 6:30 am. From personal experience, I know that this can lead to further insomnia. However, I didn't feel the usual "put out the fire!!!!" response--to curb the behavior in the making--but simply shared my personal experience in a loving way, expressed empathy for the situation and walked away with love...trusting that the light of Christ within them would motivate change far better than any force I created.
Not an hour later, as I mused on the beauty of "a safe environment" and how important it would be for the healthy emotional development of my children, Spooner (4) came dashing into the bathroom to use the toilet. Several minutes earlier, I had told him he should try to go, since he was dancing. Well, he didn't. As he made this mad dash in, he pulled up the lid to the toilet and said, "Uh-oh." I looked over to see him emptying his very full bladder along the side of the toilet, completely missing the bowl.
I lost it.
"That is so stupid!" I exclaimed and plopped him into the bathtub. "You will wait there until I have time to clean up your mess!!!" Continuing to vent my frustration aloud, I finished braiding Hava's hair and then turned to the yellow pool. When I took a breath and actually was quiet, a still, small voice whispered, "What was that you were saying about creating a safe environment to fail? Is this what it looks like?"
Pause. Gulp.
I guess it should start from their first moments in the home. Sigh.
I apologized to my little boy as I sopped up the mess, although my heart wasn't completely where it should have been. But it was a step in the right direction. I guess I am still failing at and learning this new concept :). Thank goodness my kids are so forgiving. Time to be more like a child, I guess.
This morning, I realized that one of my goals as a mother is to create an environment where my children can fail safely. Where they can make mistakes, experience trials, grow and learn and experiment with different ideas that they feel they must pursue to become who they are. For so long my goal has just been a safe place. Unfortunately, I have equated that with being safe from their own mistakes and the mistakes of others. This is unrealistic and unhealthy. Now, there are boundaries that I feel I must make to keep the environment as free from addictions as possible and that will change with the time and season, age and maturity, personality and needs of the child or children. But I tend to take ownership for "mistakes" I see my children making. It struck me this morning that they need to make those mistakes and figure out how to overcome them internally...or at least develop a personal desire to overcome them from within and then they can turn to me or others for help.
My job is to be a cheerleader, have faith in them, express love and realistic expectations for them and correct them if their behavior is endangering themselves or others. "Correct" doesn't have to equate "punish" as I have so often done. I have been impressed recently in our "reading" (book on cd) of the "Little House on the Prairie" series. This is my first time really reading them. Their mother is quiet yet firm and I find myself guided by her more and more. She is repetitive and firm in her expectations, but her statements are voiced in a quiet and loving way. I tend to lace my voice with disappointment, scorn, frustration or even anger when I correct. She simply stated it lovingly, firmly and quietly.
Interestingly, this concept was tested this morning. One of my older children awoke at 2:30 am and, unable to sleep, was reading still when I came in their room this morning at 6:30 am. From personal experience, I know that this can lead to further insomnia. However, I didn't feel the usual "put out the fire!!!!" response--to curb the behavior in the making--but simply shared my personal experience in a loving way, expressed empathy for the situation and walked away with love...trusting that the light of Christ within them would motivate change far better than any force I created.
Not an hour later, as I mused on the beauty of "a safe environment" and how important it would be for the healthy emotional development of my children, Spooner (4) came dashing into the bathroom to use the toilet. Several minutes earlier, I had told him he should try to go, since he was dancing. Well, he didn't. As he made this mad dash in, he pulled up the lid to the toilet and said, "Uh-oh." I looked over to see him emptying his very full bladder along the side of the toilet, completely missing the bowl.
I lost it.
"That is so stupid!" I exclaimed and plopped him into the bathtub. "You will wait there until I have time to clean up your mess!!!" Continuing to vent my frustration aloud, I finished braiding Hava's hair and then turned to the yellow pool. When I took a breath and actually was quiet, a still, small voice whispered, "What was that you were saying about creating a safe environment to fail? Is this what it looks like?"
Pause. Gulp.
I guess it should start from their first moments in the home. Sigh.
I apologized to my little boy as I sopped up the mess, although my heart wasn't completely where it should have been. But it was a step in the right direction. I guess I am still failing at and learning this new concept :). Thank goodness my kids are so forgiving. Time to be more like a child, I guess.
Love your explanation and honesty! I have much to learn. Often I don't allow for "mistakes" for fear of judgement of others, or even perceived judgement. I should be more Christ-like, and allow for learning from mistakes.
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