We are in the middle of deciding whether or not to just have this baby at home to save a little money. I mean, why should I pay $2000 extra just so I don't have pain for 20 minutes...or really just for 5 minutes. It is that 5 minutes of pushing that kills me at the end. I guess if I am going to have to have a home birth, I need to start talking about it differently too :D. "It's not pain, just pressure," as Quinn always teases me.
He still insists that his injury of having to relocate his pinky (without anesthetics) was far worse than any childbirth pains I may imagine I am having :). I love that man.
I am going to call a place today in Rochester, NY to see (1) if they drive to Medina for homebirth and (2) how much they charge. I have changed practices further along in my pregnancy than this (for Pipalicious, it was one-two weeks before she was born due to insurance changes) and know it is not ideal to do it at 6 1/2 months along. However, this is where we are at and I feel fine with it.
Time to check out a book on Hypno-birthing. Just think pink fluffy tubby-custard clouds...
********************
I was reading in Mosiah 4 this morning and something hit me in verse 11. That is a powerful verse, with so many layers of meaning to me over the years and this time there was a promise that stuck out. Well, in verse 12, too. "even so I would that ye should remember, and always retain in remembrance, the greatness of God and your own nothingness, and his goodness and long-suffering towards you, unworthy creatures, and humble yourselves even in the depths of humility, calling on the name of the Lord daily and standing steadfastly in the faith of that which is to come, which was spoken by the mouth of the angel...And behold, I say unto you that if ye do this ye shall always rejoice.
"Ye shall always rejoice."
Wow. After years of struggling with depression and anxiety, my mind calls out, Is it really so simple? I think it is, looking back and based upon personal experience. At least for me. Part of the problem of my personal experience with depression, I believe, is being confronted with my own nothingness and struggling against that: this paradox that we are nothing yet somehow are of infinite worth to our Heavenly Father. Not wanting to be nothing, but knowing we are nothing.
What does that mean exactly? To be nothing?
I am thinking that it strips us of our entitlement. That millenial sense of "everyone owes me" and "my life should be better than it is." Once we get away from that, knowing our own nothingness and then seeing the manifestations of God's infinite and constant and unfathomable love for us...it can only bring peace.
But it must be truly felt, both the acceptance of our nothingness and the acknowledgement of all that we have. This is a challenging promise.
Yesterday, I read a portion of a book by Brad Wilcox* that a friend copied and sent to me and in it, Bro. Wilcox references the experience of Peter walking on the water. He compares it to us and how we all have moments where we try to put our trust more completely in Him and He turns around and asks something that seems impossible. I was moved by the list that followed of "walking on water" like experiences (as he calls them) that God may call upon us to do:
-reject and resist every temptation, just as Christ did.
-overcome crippling habits and addictions
-change our very character, our personality, our desires, our lifestyle, our very thought patterns
-conquer fear
-fulfill and master God-given talents
-accept and develop a difficult--even an unwanted--calling
-consecrate all of our time, all of our talents, all that we have, and all that we ever will have, to the Lord's work and kingdom
-let go of the traditions of past prejudice, anger, and hate
-forgive the unforgivable
-love the unlovable
-maintain faith in a God of goodness i the face of the vast inconsistencies, trials, and unfairness of life
-learn to trust a God who allows incredible suffering and allows men to be cruel and inhumane to one another
-endure crushing disappointment or betrayal
-rise from a suffocating, oppressive, or abusive environment
-live chaste in thought and deed in an immoral, sexually exploitive world
-mend broken, deeply wounded relationships
-sacrifice our most precious things
-rejoice and be of good cheer in the midst of pain and unfulfilled longings
There were some things on this list that more deeply and personally affected me. The challenge/promise made in Mosiah 4:11-12 makes me want to test it, plant that super small seed of hope and faith in my heart and act on it. Does it work? If I am more truly repentant every day, if I am more mindful of how much I truly owe God all and He owes me nothing, if I am truly mindful of how much He blesses me anyway and shows His love in a multitude of ways...
...will I always rejoice?
What can I lose?
*Marni, what was the title and author again?
He still insists that his injury of having to relocate his pinky (without anesthetics) was far worse than any childbirth pains I may imagine I am having :). I love that man.
I am going to call a place today in Rochester, NY to see (1) if they drive to Medina for homebirth and (2) how much they charge. I have changed practices further along in my pregnancy than this (for Pipalicious, it was one-two weeks before she was born due to insurance changes) and know it is not ideal to do it at 6 1/2 months along. However, this is where we are at and I feel fine with it.
Time to check out a book on Hypno-birthing. Just think pink fluffy tubby-custard clouds...
********************
I was reading in Mosiah 4 this morning and something hit me in verse 11. That is a powerful verse, with so many layers of meaning to me over the years and this time there was a promise that stuck out. Well, in verse 12, too. "even so I would that ye should remember, and always retain in remembrance, the greatness of God and your own nothingness, and his goodness and long-suffering towards you, unworthy creatures, and humble yourselves even in the depths of humility, calling on the name of the Lord daily and standing steadfastly in the faith of that which is to come, which was spoken by the mouth of the angel...And behold, I say unto you that if ye do this ye shall always rejoice.
"Ye shall always rejoice."
Wow. After years of struggling with depression and anxiety, my mind calls out, Is it really so simple? I think it is, looking back and based upon personal experience. At least for me. Part of the problem of my personal experience with depression, I believe, is being confronted with my own nothingness and struggling against that: this paradox that we are nothing yet somehow are of infinite worth to our Heavenly Father. Not wanting to be nothing, but knowing we are nothing.
What does that mean exactly? To be nothing?
I am thinking that it strips us of our entitlement. That millenial sense of "everyone owes me" and "my life should be better than it is." Once we get away from that, knowing our own nothingness and then seeing the manifestations of God's infinite and constant and unfathomable love for us...it can only bring peace.
But it must be truly felt, both the acceptance of our nothingness and the acknowledgement of all that we have. This is a challenging promise.
Yesterday, I read a portion of a book by Brad Wilcox* that a friend copied and sent to me and in it, Bro. Wilcox references the experience of Peter walking on the water. He compares it to us and how we all have moments where we try to put our trust more completely in Him and He turns around and asks something that seems impossible. I was moved by the list that followed of "walking on water" like experiences (as he calls them) that God may call upon us to do:
-reject and resist every temptation, just as Christ did.
-overcome crippling habits and addictions
-change our very character, our personality, our desires, our lifestyle, our very thought patterns
-conquer fear
-fulfill and master God-given talents
-accept and develop a difficult--even an unwanted--calling
-consecrate all of our time, all of our talents, all that we have, and all that we ever will have, to the Lord's work and kingdom
-let go of the traditions of past prejudice, anger, and hate
-forgive the unforgivable
-love the unlovable
-maintain faith in a God of goodness i the face of the vast inconsistencies, trials, and unfairness of life
-learn to trust a God who allows incredible suffering and allows men to be cruel and inhumane to one another
-endure crushing disappointment or betrayal
-rise from a suffocating, oppressive, or abusive environment
-live chaste in thought and deed in an immoral, sexually exploitive world
-mend broken, deeply wounded relationships
-sacrifice our most precious things
-rejoice and be of good cheer in the midst of pain and unfulfilled longings
There were some things on this list that more deeply and personally affected me. The challenge/promise made in Mosiah 4:11-12 makes me want to test it, plant that super small seed of hope and faith in my heart and act on it. Does it work? If I am more truly repentant every day, if I am more mindful of how much I truly owe God all and He owes me nothing, if I am truly mindful of how much He blesses me anyway and shows His love in a multitude of ways...
...will I always rejoice?
What can I lose?
*Marni, what was the title and author again?
Here's a link to the book,
ReplyDeleteWalking on Water and Other Classic Messages: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1609083628/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_.wULzbXTKFB5T
Interesting to read your thoughts on it. For me it spoke to my feelings of, "I asked you to do this. These are the signs I've given over and over that you can, and that I'll help you!"
I am still reading through it, mulling over and savoring it. Thank you so much! And thanks for the link and for your own thoughts.
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