God will not let them fail because of me!

 April 25, 2019

I get really tired of being around and hurting people. I like to hope and think that the good I do outweighs the bad but I don't get why God doesn't just let us wink ourselves out of existence if we want to. I mean, I think there would be far greater good done with me not being here than otherwise.

You think so, my daughter?

Yes. I mean, I disappoint, hurt, mis-feed, don't teach enough, spend enough time with, read to, listen to, be with, serve enough...just my kids!!! And that doesn't even start with my sweet husband, my family, friends...all these people I love. I think the loaves and fishes thing is just crazy. I want to believe it but I just don't see it feeding the people. I see my children's sadness, their...I don't know. They are pretty awesome.

I came home from the temple today with a friend who is visiting us from Ohio and Hava to find all the other kids out playing in the sunshine happily together. I mean, they wanted to be out there together, you could tell. Older with younger, all enjoying each other. I don't get it. They are learning a bunch, I guess. Why does it feel there is so much I am not helping to facilitate in their lives? Why do I feel so inadequate? Like I am not doing enough? Ever. I really enjoy learning, being with them when they want me there, but then I also have a short attention span and tend to want to do something else.

For instance, today, my six-year-old was singing me the sweetest song of "True Colors" and I still felt frantic inside. I didn't feel it at the temple today.

I have come down a little more directly on one of my kids, calling them on not having their room clean very often. I want my home to be a haven and somehow, when those around me aren't doing the simple stewardships I have distributed to them, I feel it! Why is that? Why can't I just ignore it?

I feel overwhelmed. Is this my mist of darkness? I just don't know.

I will go and exercise tonight. Perhaps that will help. I will also listen to talks, etc. I need to just count my blessings but then I just keep thinking that I am messing up with the blessings I have been given. I mean, if someone else were to come and jump into my place with this family and these amazing kids and this amazing husband, wouldn't they be able to do so much more to help them?

How can I love and accept myself and the offering I have? My own loaves and fishes?

Today after getting home from the temple, I facilitated lunch and finishing up some jobs, read some "Book of Virtues" to the kids about courage and morality (according to Plato/Socrates), read a little about the geography of the US and then another chapter of the Belgariad. I took a nap, gave Andrew a piano lesson, practiced my piano to almost catch up for the week, and have done Duolingo up another level. I see the hand of the Lord in what I do. He does everything that is good in my life. I am grateful for all He has done. I wish I could do more to help others. I feel so inadequate.

April 28, 2019

I went to the gym the next morning, weighed down with the despair of trying to keep trying even though I seemed to be just hurting, hurting, hurting all those around me. I had just read in Alma 13 that morning and was struck with the following verses:

10 Now, as I said concerning the holy order, or this high priesthood, there were many who were ordained and became high priests of God; and it was on account of their exceeding faith and repentance, and their righteousness before God, they choosing to repent and work righteousness rather than to perish;

11 Therefore they were called after this holy order, and were sanctified, and their garments were washed white through the blood of the Lamb.

12 Now they, after being sanctified by the Holy Ghost, having their garments made white, being pure and spotless before God, could not look upon sin save it were with abhorrence; and there were many, exceedingly great many, who were made pure and entered into the rest of the Lord their God.

13 And now, my brethren, I would that ye should humble yourselves before God, and bring forth fruit meet for repentance, that ye may also enter into that rest.

14 Yea, humble yourselves even as the people in the days of Melchizedek, who was also a high priest after this same order which I have spoken, who also took upon him the high priesthood forever.

...

21 And now it came to pass that when Alma had said these words unto them, he stretched forth his hand unto them and cried with a mighty voice, saying: Now is the time to repent, for the day of salvation draweth nigh;

22 Yea, and the voice of the Lord, by the mouth of angels, doth declare it unto all nations; yea, doth declare it, that they may have glad tidings of great joy; yea, and he doth sound these glad tidings among all his people, yea, even to them that are scattered abroad upon the face of the earth; wherefore they have come unto us.

23 And they are made known unto us in plain terms, that we may understand, that we cannot err; and this because of our being wanderers in a strange land; therefore, we are thus highly favored, for we have these glad tidings declared unto us in all parts of our vineyard.

24 For behold, angels are declaring it unto many at this time in our land; and this is for the purpose of preparing the hearts of the children of men to receive his word at the time of his coming in his glory.

25 And now we only wait to hear the joyful news declared unto us by the mouth of angels, of his coming; for the time cometh, we know not how soon. Would to God that it might be in my day; but let it be sooner or later, in it I will rejoice.

26 And it shall be made known unto just and holy men, by the mouth of angels, at the time of his coming, that the words of our fathers may be fulfilled, according to that which they have spoken concerning him, which was according to the spirit of prophecy which was in them.

What stuck out to me was my responsibility to be meek, humble and trusting.  Argh!  Something else I was not good at, I felt.  Meek, I learned from a talk by Elder Bednar in a past conference is the following:

Meekness is a defining attribute of the Redeemer and is distinguished by

1. righteous responsiveness,
2. willing submissiveness, and
3. strong self-restraint...

The Christlike quality of meekness often is misunderstood in our contemporary world. Meekness is strong, not weak; active, not passive; courageous, not timid; restrained, not excessive; modest, not self-aggrandizing; and gracious, not brash. A meek person is not easily provoked, pretentious, or overbearing and readily acknowledges the accomplishments of others...

Whereas humility generally denotes dependence upon God and the constant need for His guidance and support, a distinguishing characteristic of meekness is a particular spiritual receptivity to learning both from the Holy Ghost and from people who may seem less capable, experienced, or educated, who may not hold important positions, or who otherwise may not appear to have much to contribute...

I still wasn't very peaceful in my heart, but I had reviewed the above and then headed to the gym with my phone in hand to listen to conference talks, my second line of defense from the dark voices.

I chose a talk from the Priesthood session of General Conference titled “Look unto Christ” and that, combined with my thoughts, truly struck me with the following rather profound impression:

All those things that I had put upon my personal scale of accountability to get to heaven--

my kids' happiness and righteousness, the happiness,

salvation and success of others around me;

my personal preparedness and

education to impact the world (to make my life worthwhile)

--were actually not all contingent upon my fulfilling all I saw before me to do!

In fact, my responsibility is--

to be mindful of my influence on them,

be mindful of how God sees them,

and love them enough to want to help them and serve them.

That is it! The simple truth that God would not let someone fail because of my inadequacies struck home. The Savior has the above on His personal scale of accountability and he and Heavenly Father are giving the ones I love around me every possible chance of happiness in spite of and combined with my imperfect efforts in beautiful, incomprehensible completeness.

What is required of me is to do what is in front of me and truly have faith, hope and charity.

And I can do that.

All those meals I don't bring in, the notes I don't write, the times I misspeak or neglect, the miscommunication I seem so prone to, the offenses I seem to give right and left, other people's success is not contingent upon me fixing it or being all I want to do in my heart for them. It in fact all rests upon them and upon the Savior's very capable “shoulders” or Atonement.  My responsibility it truly to repent, be meek, be like a child...and try again.

It struck me how in the scriptures time and again the responsibility for a parent's sins are never upon the children. I can own my own sins and repent of those (hence the section from Alma 13 earlier), but my children will be able to progress and succeed independent of those because I am the one that will suffer. In fact, God will use my bad example to help inspire and teach them. Does that mean I have no responsibility? Absolutely not. I am still accountable but the weight of other people's success or failure is not mine.

I get to preach

            love

            pray

            live

            do

            become joyfully

who I can become through Christ and if others around me are struggling or suffering I can lovingly invite, succor, suffer with and mourn with them but I will not jeopardize their salvation. All that hurt I inflict through my weaknesses, all the damage I do, can truly be not only healed in others but used to strengthen them in the marvelous wisdom of God. I can keep living, learning, loving, hoping and dreaming and it is enough.

I can keep trying and not feel like I have damaged people so much that my life is not doing more harm than good because God will not let them fail because of me.