Among the few things I am saving in this move is a little box of Latin flashcards that I used, maybe, five times in college. Crazy, eh? With all I am getting rid of? Unfortunately, this box represents an unfulfilled debt.
A friend at college, hearing that I was taking Latin, allowed me to borrow his blue box containing 1,000s of little flashcards to help me. I married Quinn, moved away, and haven't see Matthew, my friend, since.
Every time I see this box, every time I am tempted to get rid of it, I think, "...but what if I actually see him again, and can return this to him?" It sticks with me, unfulfilled, unresolved, this outstanding debt between us.
This reminded me of an "ah-hah" I had a few days ago about parenting. While we were moving, Kelrazor and his friends were loading up our van, and a full container of sugar was spilt. Kel came to me, asking if he should save any of it (like the stuff on top), and I said, "No, just clean up by sweeping it into a garbage can," then went back to what I was doing.
Later that day, I came across the left-overs of that mess...mostly cleaned up, but still enough to create a sticky mess if it wasn't taken care of a little more. Kel was gone--helping upack the moving truck at our new house--so I just grumbled and started cleaning up. I thought about how I would bring this up when I saw him next, thinking to teach him about accountability.
Yet, as I considered this and swept, the thought flashed through my head, "But Mary, if you remind him or lecture him on this, without giving him the means to fix it, you are going to make him feel guilty but rob him of the chance to fix it." My son has a depth of compassion and justice, and he is very sensitive to doing something wrong.
The more I thought about this, the more I realized how terrible that would be! To point out to a child a mistake and then prevent them from being able to fix it!
It made me think about Heavenly Father, you know, a kind of "what would He do?" moment, and I realized that if there is something we need to learn from, He lets us feel the guilt, but allows us to fix our mistakes. True, He often softens the consequence and the Atonement enables us to fix things to the best of our ability. He also fixes what we are unable to fix. I also think there are times when comments need to be made after the fact, but to make it truly productive, a way should be provided for them to fix (or at least help fix) the problem...otherwise, I wonder, how effective is it for us to initiate guilt, without providing an outlet to fix it?
Interestingly enough, Tovacula brought up a similar point about doing something wrong, but being frustrated that she wasn't able to fix it.
Anyway, it has made me careful in getting after my kids for doing something wrong. It has made me think, "why would I point out their fault?"...would it be to let them fix it, learn from it, or just feel guilty about it and hope that guilt will prevent further action?
Thoughts?
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