A soft answer

I recently read in the "7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens" about how communication is around 80% body language and tone of voice (I think it is actually more, but don't want to mis-represent it completely :)...).  I have thought about that as I have interacted with my kids recently and thought about my interactions with others, about how much of what we communicate is conveyed in our posture, tone, and inflection.

As Tova put it the other day, sometimes I assume what she calls "the stone face," where, through withdrawing my emotional, physical approval, I send the message that "something you did was not alright, and until you correct it, I will withdraw myself from you."  Unfortunately, that "something" is unclear.  So many times, I don't like being the "mean" parent and just say what the problem is...I want them to just figure it out on their own...or something.  I am not quite sure. Like, somehow being vague and physically/emotionally mean is better than just saying it.

Whatever the reason, the child is left with a feeling of not being loved until "something" changes.

Lately, I have tried to communicate discipline and correction exclusively with verbal clarification.  I have tried to take those extra moments to take the child aside (so they don't have to be corrected in front of everyone), and, physically and emotionally communicating love and support, told them seriously exactly what I feel is wrong and why.

I am not so good at this.  Old habits of bringing to bear powerful emotional and physical indicators in discipline are so tempting, a temptation to cower the child into submission.

However, I have had some glimmers of hope confirming that this is the way I should parent.

Hava, my four-year-old, did something wrong the other day.  It was a situation where she deliberately chose to do what she knew was wrong and did it anyway.  In one of those rare moments, I actually took the time to take her aside, get down on her level, look her in the eyes and let my love for her flow.  In serious, careful tones, I explained to her what I had seen and why it was wrong.   She showed that she understood, said she was sorry, and then I explained, again carefully, and keeping back any physical or emotional signs of disapproval, that she would be in time out now, to give her time to think about being nice again.  I then told her I loved her, gave her a hug, and then left her in time out.

She exuberantly told her daddy later that, "even though I did something wrong, Mommy still loves me!"  Since then she has shared many spontaneous statements about how she knows that I love her and that she can be a good girl.  She has even included statements about how much Heavenly Father loves her, even when she does something wrong. 

I wish I had clued into this method years ago.  I have seen similar, albeit less dramatic results with the other kids.  Papaya, my little two year old, is at the phase where she is in time out several times a day, but still nothing else feels right for her.  She sure is trying to figure out all the ways she can do things wrong or different than what mommy tells her to do!  Sigh.

It is not a perfect system.  I do not believe that there is a one-size-fits-all method of disciplining.  However, I feel that, at last I understand a little better how to apply a scripture which is a "one-size-fits-all" scripture :):

41 No ^apower or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the ^bpriesthood, only by ^cpersuasion, by ^dlong-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned;

 42 By ^akindness, and pure ^bknowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the ^csoul without ^dhypocrisy, and without ^eguile—

 43 ^aReproving betimes with ^bsharpness, when ^cmoved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of ^dlove toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy;