What Kind of Savior are You Looking For?

It had been a crazy day.  Hectic needs, exploding diapers, phones ringing...yah.

During my tiny break time from external demands, I had Eli on the bed next to me while I took some needed down time. The morning hours had been packed and a little noisy towards the end. I had managed to get some soup in the pot for dinner and just needed a little breather upstairs to piddle. 

I like piddling. 

 And puttering. I get that from my dad, I guess :D. 

 I cut out some family history cards for the temple and organized them while listening to Alma 8 and 9 when Alma and Amulek are teaching the people about how they need to repent and come to God, rather than sinning against the light they have. It made me think about the Pharisees and how they wanted a Messiah that would come down and make their life comfortable and free of pain. Their enemies destroyed, everything good.

And He didn't, in one sense of the word.

Instead He actually seemed to make things “worse” for some of them: introducing doctrine, beliefs and ways of life that turned brother against brother, healing people that later got in trouble for it and were challenged for it. So what did He bring? 

What did the coming of the Messiah do for His chosen people?

He gave them peace in the midst of trials, perspective about what was truly important. He taught us that trials and afflictions are a part of perfection; trials and afflictions are pretty much all he experienced from a very young age. He did not keep aloof in a padded castle with kind and perfect people all around. His friends and community rejected him, disciples turned away, apostles betrayed, religious leaders condemned him to death and “dishonor.”

Today, don't people get mad at God for the same reasons? “If there was a God, He would make my life better.” No, actually, just as Christ did not come to be the Messiah that the Jews had in mind. The Jews were blind to what Christ was actually offering, just as we—in our pursuit of a life full of ease, comfort and free from trials—sometimes reject our God because He does not “deliver us” from all of those.

We are just like those Pharisees that insist that our Messiah act a certain way and turn a blind eye to what He actually offers. Not only do we turn a blind eye, but we actively reject Him and His word and say, “There can obviously be nothing to that because it doesn't make my life without pain. Without sorrow. Without grief.”

Remember? The latter was Satan's plan. God's plan required the rigor to become like Him, not pets to be coddled and protected. Gods are not created on the pillows of comfort but in the fire of affliction. When things are going so terrible wrong, maybe it actually means that all is terribly right and we may just be nearer to God than we realize.

So what did Christ do, if He didn't fit the Messianic role the Jews had in mind? 

Bridge the gap between us and God. Give us the chance to start over—again and again and again. Suffer so He could succor. Give us peace in impossible circumstances. Break the bands of death so this life wouldn't be the end. He fought all the right battles and was victorious in every way that was eternally relevant.

Best gifts ever.

More "Perfect" Than You Realized

My friend and I had an interesting conversation about this word last night.  When you think of a life that is "perfect,"  what do you think of?

What does the "perfect" house look like? 
While it may vary in color, size and population, I would hazard a guess that it is peaceful, orderly, well-maintained...maybe even a little bigger or better furnished or more completed than the one you have right now.  Maybe it has a pool or is a farm house or a pent house.

What does the "perfect" relationship look like? 
Again, words like "peaceful" come to mind, right?  Safe, loving, open, fun...it will vary in size, color, experience, etc, but I again suspect that these are good general terms to define it.

What does the "perfect" family look like? 
A stable father and mother who parent well, with consistent boundaries and consistent compassion and love.  Grandparents that nurture and reach out. Extended family that is there for you and doesn't judge you. Children that obey and say sorry when they don't obey.  Or even just talk to each other and look at you when you are speaking to them.  Oh, and you have a dog.

What does the "perfect" life look like?  Ordered.  Predictable or not (depending upon your personality, right?).  Open. Lots of possibilities and potential.  Stable.  Good health.  Good relationships.

Okay, got those images and feeling in your mind about what your "perfect" life would be like?  

No problems, no struggles, no trials. 

This idea of PERFECT is what we work towards in a church culture or in our American culture, right?  The place where our children happily serve and thrive as responsible citizens, where everyone in our family is emotionally healthy, where life is balanced, secured and "just right."  A life where we all eat healthy, groom ourselves--bathe regularly, lol!--, pick up after ourselves, say we are sorry, attend our church obligations, serve by the Spirit and then come home at the end of the day to a warm dinner where we are all gathered around and laugh in our clean, finished, beautiful home.  That is the goal.  Right?

Deep down, doesn't this image resonate with you,...even just a little?  Your book is finished, your family history is done, your house paid off or fixed up, your finances in order.

Well, despite what I used to believe, right now I completely disagree with this image of "perfect."  I see people, like myself, reaching for this goal and--in many ways even arriving at it in many aspects of their lives--and they still feel empty.  Still feel incomplete.  Still feel "imperfect."

When Christ said that we should become perfect--even as He and His Father are perfect--it was at the beginning of a homeless ministry, a ministry rife with betrayal, rejection and antagonism.  I submit that God's view of perfection is truly what the Greek defines it as, "complete."  I would like to add to that: "completely doing the things God would do and living life as God would live it." 

Too often we judge our success by how many blessings we have; but if we were to do that, how would we measure the life of our Savior at the end of His life?  Remember the betrayals that happened both during and immediately after the Last Supper when one of his disciples betrayed him and another one denied Him?  Remember that the number of those to whom He had ministered--among whom He had lived--that wanted him dead were more vocal and outweighed the number of those who defended him, let alone stood with him.  He had no home, no comfort, no predictability. In fact, in the penultimate moment of His perfect life, He groaned under the weight of it and cried unto His Father that He might not partake of that oh so bitter, that oh so perfect cup!


So when you are "doing what you are supposed to be doing" and your life seems like it is getting "less and less perfect," maybe it's time to re-evaluate what "perfect" means. If you look at the life of the Savior, "perfect" has nothing to do with comfortable.  Nothing to do with fixed.  Nothing to do with paid off.  Nothing to do with a group of friends whom you can rely upon to just sit outside where you are suffering and stay awake. 

Maybe if your life feels imperfect despite all you can do, maybe it is actually more perfect than you realize.  If you are truly devoting yourself to the Savior and trying to become perfect like He is perfect, the result may surprise you. You may feel peace at the end of a stressful but well-intended day and realize that that feeling of peace means it was perfect.  You may do your best in your relationships with those around you and they may reject you or even just ignore you.  At that point when you turn to God to fix it, He may just send that feeling of peace that says that in that moment of your offering and your efforts--in that one moment, in that one thing--you are perfect already.

**************

You know, that leads me to an interesting idea. Sometimes I think we feel that if we are really doing what God wants us to do perfectly, than that means the results would be perfect.  If I read my scriptures, my day should go well. If I go to the temple, my children should be obedient. If I go to church, then people will be nice to me and accept me. 

Our life is not just about going through the motions to get blessings!  The commandments are just a set of doors to open to unleash the potential for us to live a life that is full of trials and challenges, rich with opportunities to stretch, grow and serve.  We obey the commandments to get us into the right frame of mind to be able to live a purposeful, inspired life!  A life that is unscripted because God wants us to become like Him...a being that has infinitesimal opportunities to make choices.  And God, in His perfected state, works with people who not only ignore and reject Him, but hate Him and purposefully fight against Him.

Now that you maybe have a different understanding of the word

go ahead and Google it--the perfect home, the perfect family, the perfect relationship, the perfect life. And then, with me, shake your head in sadness. We are beating ourselves up--wearing ourselves out-- trying to "arrive," to get to a stage of God-like "perfection" that is actually not God-like at all.

I propose that to truly become perfect may look a lot different than what what you first had in mind.  In fact, you might be a lot closer to "perfect" in the midst of the dirty diapers, dishes, distress, demands, dyslexia, dementia, and debilitation than you realized. 

Balance and stretching

I do my own little yoga routine 4-5 days a week. If I go more than two days without it, I can feel my back starting to seize up again. I have tight hamstrings.  My back has gone out--to an incredible painful degree--a few times in my life and that drives me to this minimal routine that keeps me functioning.

I started yoga using "Yoga With Adriene" because she is pretty low-key with her approach.  She has yoga options for a huge range of time allotments, targeting different areas or different moods, or 30 day programs for those who are 30 minute a day committed.  Not me!

After skipping through options for months, I found myself going back to certain videos for the targeted stretches that seemed to do the most for the time spent. I took the best stretching poses from several routines and designed my own which is about 15 minutes or less--depending upon how long I let myself stretch.


Part of it is this pose on the left...what I call the one legged, forward fold pose. (I am sure they have a good yogi name for it, but for the life of me, I have no idea what it is :D.)  I struggled for a long time to get this pose and still get off balanced easily when in it.

In order to get into this pose I always have to first get centered in mountain pose. (Image on right.)  As you can see it is a very basic pose that I have absolutely down. It's just standing, right?  Well, no.  There is a key part that you can't see by just looking at the picture. If I don't feel myself grounded into the floor through my feet on this first step, I cannot get the folded pose.  I can feel it.

I have been off-balance and fallen to the side probably 3 out of 4 times over all, although that is including the first 6 months when I fell pretty much every time.  There is a trick to getting centered enough through your core--visualizing it down one leg--that has taken me time to truly get.  I can feel if I am off balance as I start the 5 step process from the pose on the right to the one on the left.  I feel foolish, awkward, bumbling and every ounce of excess flesh that I am struggling to balance into position.

But if I don't, I don't walk.
If I don't, I can't even sit.
If I don't, I can't even lay down without excruciating pain.

Once in the fold-over pose, I can just allow my weight to fall forward and pull my muscles into the position they need to be in for the deepest stretch I can get to target my main problem muscles in my hip flex-or and hamstrings.  My natural weight pulls me down and it is as I get as relaxed as I can in that pose, that the deepest stretch happens.

As I was doing this the other day, the thought hit me.  Once I am centered myself on a seemingly small point '(my personal devotions: prayer, scripture study, pondering, religious  talks, weekly temple and sacrament meeting attendance) all the weight in my life provides the maximum stretching experience possible by just existing.  All the weight--the problems, worries, woes and struggles--that seem bulky and cumbersome when I figuratively "look in the mirror"--actually serve to stretch my soul to the deepest when I am using that weight after being centered in those foundational areas in my life.

God uses my trials to help me not only sit and walk better, but even to rest better.

I was grateful for that visual reaffirmation of the key role of our personal daily devotions.  Even if it is:
--a few verses,
--an earnest prayer,
--a quickly scribbled few lines about my blessings, lessons learned, or spiritual epiphanies
--a conference talk listened to while I fold the laundry, drive around or (ironically enough) do yoga :D
--a couple ordinances in the temple (or wherever your place of worship is)
--a bedraggled group of Biesingers that struggles into the pews for worship on Sunday
I have never, never felt these centering actions have made my life harder after I have done them.  Before I do them, I seem to always let other, "weightier" things get in the way.  But then I remember that if I don't center myself for the deep stretching, then my life will quickly get immobile and painful.  It is enough to propel me to do it more than I wouldn't.

Sometimes I will go for four days in a row without yoga--always putting it off well-intentionedly (I love making up new words).  And then, my back starts twinging as I sit down or stand up.

Just like with my yoga, I let my life get in the way of my personal devotions and it takes less time than four days before I start feeling my soul twinging.  When I wince with the pain, I think, "have I done all my personal centering?"  And inevitably, I have not. I have not really focused on them and used them to allow my problems to give my soul the deep stretch that it needs.

She Hath Given Of Her All

I have always loved the story of the widow's mite:

"This woman hath given more than they all."

I thought of this story last night as I sat across from Bethany.  Bethany is a woman covered with earring and tattoos; a woman broken from years of abuse that started from the moment she came into the world.  Every time I see her I am inspired by her courage to even dare to hope that the life she has and has had can be better. 

We were at the ward Christmas party and the man she had come with--soon to be her husband--spoke about how he keeps trying to help her understand what the missionaries are teaching her, but Bethany just doesn't get it. 

It was then that I knew, Bethany didn't have to get it.  She didn't have to have a complex understanding about the application of the Gospel in the many aspects of the Gospel. She didn't need to be temple worthy tomorrow. She didn't have to be chastened for what she wasn't offering from what she didn't have.

At this point, she is giving her all just to show up at church.  Not only shouldn't she compare herself to others, it is toxic for herself to measure her worth and success in progressing spiritually by comparing herself to those around us who are blessed with practically an infinite amount more of stability and goodness in our lives.

Bethany's story reminded me of something else, too. There is a story in "Believing Christ" by Stephen Robinson about a woman whom the missionaries met while using the restroom in a bar (or getting drinks or something).  The woman was not someone they were seeking out but she sensed something about them and followed them and eventually became baptized.  She would accidentally swear in church and then immediately apologize for her roughness. That is her all.  That is enough.  That moment is when the Atonement of Christ immediately becomes effective.  And cleansing.  And sufficient.

I remember coming away from this story having been taught that the Atonement of Christ hinges upon where our heart is at any given moment.  The Atonement of Christ reaches in to compensate at the moment we say, "This is all I have to give, but I am trying and I really want to be like thee! I really want to hope that you are offering what I think you are offering and I am trying."  It doesn't matter if for years we have given of our time and energy to the kingdom of God in this Church and turn our backs on it at the end.  It doesn't matter if we've given more than so and so in tithing or worked longer and harder than someone at serving in the Church.

What matters is what does our offering represent.

For Bethany, coming to church on Sunday represents her all.  For me, life can be super challenging some weeks and easier others.  Some days I can happily reach out and serve others.  Other days it is painful to try and reach out because sometimes rejection and disinterest is just, well, painful.  Some days I wake up excited to do all the ideas in my head.  Other days I lay in bed struggling to get up, discouraged by all the things I either did wrong the day before or by the things that Satan is telling me I should be doing and am not.

I just love this parable because it finally puts to rest in my mind a scripture I have struggled with for years:

Mosiah 4:27 And see that all these things are done in wisdom and ^aorder; for it is not requisite that a man should run ^bfaster than he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order.

I always felt that "my all" meant that I felt drained at the end of the day.  Now I know that it just means that I feel peace.  I checked in with God, honestly tried to do my best (and I don't have to be frantic about it!) and that His Atonement steps in to compensate, heal, fix, mend, restore, salve, enliven and amend not only for all that I do wrong, but even makes those things I do right sacred.  But it is Him that makes it that way.   All because my offering represents that I am trusting Him and just genuinely desire to do His will.

That is enough.

That is my all.

For those who feel broken or breaking, I hope we can all see ourselves as Bethany, that we can acknowledge all the ways that we are just trying.  

Struggling To Keep My Soul Off Silent Mode

This morning the kids and Quinn headed to the temple early, but because they were using the car, they didn't have our temple names that we had prepared (they were in the van).  When I realized this, I hurriedly called Quinn's phone to let them know I could drive and meet them with the names.  The kids had worked hard to find the names and it was so rewarding for them to be able to perform the baptisms for them!

Quinn didn't answer so I figured his phone was on silent and drove out anyway, repeatedly calling just in case the light from the call or something else would catch his attention and he would pick up.  I tried again and again to no avail.  Not really worried--but hoping he would pick up soonish--I kept driving and trying.

While I was doing this, I was listening to the talk "Spiritual Capacity" by Craig from the last general conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in October. It talked about a four step process that will help us do just that:
-the importance to set aside time to connect (and stick with it)
-act on inspiration
-be on the Lord's errand
-believe and trust (even if it seems weird or un-do-able)

I was pondering on the first: I struggle to be consistent in an appointment but try to slip in some time throughout each day.  The Spirit whispered: "Is it helping you really connect?" Great question.

Then I went to the second point and this is something I struggle with. I am super good at postponing or forgetting promptings through all the great distractions I have in my life that are also super good things...just not just what God inspired me to do.  The inspirations are usually small and slide easily into my list of to-do's for the day and often get buried. I am definitely not a quick responder!

As I tried to get ahold of Quinn, wishing he would pick up, I had a little connection: when God tries to get ahold of me, it is as if my phone is on silent.  He wants me to pick up and act even more than I wanted Quinn to pick up and receive my call.  Getting the names to the temple was important.  Even moreso, what God tells me to do every day is important and I could get a little picture of what it might feel like for me to keep on silent those things that God wants for me to do.

It took several tries, but Quinn picked up and we connected not too far out.  The names were able to get to the temple and I learned a beautiful little lesson.

I decided that I am going to try and make sure my soul is not on silent as often anymore :D.

Meeting the unseen needs

Role of Holy Ghost

I testify that if we strive to follow the promptings of the Holy Ghost in our relationships as well as in the classroom we will see miracles!

My life is beautiful, right now.

This morning I asked God to help me discern amongst Satan's "smother" strategy thoughts for what was truth.  You see, I think Satan's best strategy against me is to drown my mind with so many great thoughts of what to do (not all of them healthy but all shades of healthy) that it either incapacitates me or makes me worry about all that I am not doing.

It is interesting because I recognize this phenomenon.  I know it is coming. I see it when it happens.  This morning I cried out, "I just don't know what to do!"

For instance: recently, I had a friend (well, several) say, "You've got to carve out time for yourself during the day.  You are a priority.  Just make an 'appointment' with yourself and keep it."  So I go through my day and as time after time I am forced to make one decision in the face of all the delightful or seemingly pressing options around me, I kind of get this snowball stress feeling each time I "pass up" on one opportunity to do the next.  It's like I carry the potential of everything I didn't do because of the choices I make in a backback that gets heavier and heavier.

I know that I get blessings for doing things.  That is what commandments are: doors that we unlock because of the blessings behind them.  I know what gets me blessings and blessings for my family and if I don't do it a certain way or if I "leave out" certain activities, my past self would use it to beat itself up with. "If you just reorganized your time just this much more you would be able to incorporate more good things and activate all the good associative blessings for you and your family."  And so even though I was doing all I really could do, I was running around internally ragged for not doing enough.  And I wasn't even enjoying as I could and should the beautiful life that existed around me!

I have always had a love/hate relationship with Ecclesiastes 3.  The whole "times and seasons" thing has been a difficult one to grasp even as it has given me hope for the extremities I find in my life.  one of my friends pointed out this passage during my recent self-recovery and I immediately felt at that point the repulsion rise up in me.  "Times and seasons" is only an out, I told myself.

Looking back, I was a little like little Ariel, crying for "I want more."  Or even like her older counterpart in "The Greatest Showman" of never enough.

The past week and a half I have had an opportunity to step back into my life and see it from a different perspective.  No longer do I feel the driving self-hate within me as part of my defaults build during years of depression and some of the PTSD from Isaak's death.  I don't have it.  I don't have that strident inner voice crying for "I don't care what you want or think! Just work and focus and do what is in front of you and if you feel weak or like giving up...how dare you."  I simply don't have that any more and that, in itself, is a priceless gift.

So now I have this life full of beautiful people and beautiful activities and patterns built around a life that was driven by self-hate and inspiration.  An interesting combination but a true one all the same.  During the past week and a half I have kind of taken a step back from each activity and said, "Do I want to do this?  Do I choose this?"  And I have.  I have wanted to snuggle. I have wanted to spend almost all day with these delightful people. I have said a couple of times, "I have this need to personally refresh" and taken it, but not often. I feel the old "push myself" (albeit without self-hate) creeping back into my life.   And I don't want it! 

Yesterday was Piper's birthday.  We spent it playing games of her choice, eating food of her choice, and watching some things that made her laugh.  We had ice cream, sang songs, and even went climbing some of the giant snow hills at the edge of parking lots as part of the fun!  She helped me in the kitchen, I got lots of hugs...and I didn't give her one present to open.  So what were my thoughts this morning waking up?  "What a horrible mom you are...you didn't even give her one present to open on her birthday?!"  I had given her a couple things the days before: new snowboots because she could use them right away.  A bag of gummy bears because I wanted to see her smile.  But I hadn't saved it for her birthday.  Did she feel less loved?  And the mental analysis went on..."I want more..."

This morning I just wanted it to stop. After days of Satan's smother strategy stealing my joy of living and doing what I honestly feel is good and right at the moment (and often there is no one right thing!) by telling me that there is so much more that I should be doing I just wanted to identify how to combat his strategy.

And then I realized it was all in Ecclesiastes. I took complete ownership over my life. I choose to do all these things with my kids, husband and community not just because it helps them, but because I really deep down like it!  I find peace doing it and they are good things.  Sure, I am not doing family history as often as I would like (missed blessings!).  Sure, I am not studying Duolingo every day so I can communicate with my sweet grandkids in the future better (missed blessings!).  But I honestly wouldn't trade those things right now for stopping and smiling at Xai as he rambles on about some cool thought he had. I wouldn't trade seeing Piper happily warm to her toes while climbing in the snow just so we could see her unwrap it on her birthday.  I accept that I made those choices in the moment in good places and that just because I am not getting every blessing on the planet in this moment....it is perfectly okay.

I have a beautiful life. I make good and bad choices, but always with the intention to do good.  Some might not seem "best" to others but I am letting go of that.  And with that decision I made this morning in my head, it is interesting that my boundless expectations of others in my life also fell away as I felt a desire to just let them make their choices without the constant drive for more. 

I think this is a good step. I wanted to get it down "on paper."  I am happy with my life.  With me.  And to not do everything now is not only okay, but it is beautiful and healthy. I like my choices and have had fun embracing them and the joy that comes with them. I will continue to do so!  See ya, later, tempter!  On to the next strategy...I'm ready.

Trading Worrying for Praying

I used to feel that it took too much time to pray for all the people I care about in one prayer.  I would feel like my prayers were pretty long as they were (often full of "restful"--lol--intermissions) and I needed to "just get on with things," and that "God would take care of them."

This week, I was challenged to pray for my seminary students by name daily and I shrank. I thought, "I don't even pray for all of my kiddos by name every single day..."  Bad, I know.  I just rationalize that I think about them all day long and pray for strength and inspiration in general, and more specifically when things come up that are directly relevant.

The other morning I knelt down and thought, "I have some time.  I'll give it a go."  I started with my seminary kids, trying to think of each of them, what their strengths are, why I am grateful for them and struggles that I know that they might be having.  I thought about what they might want help with from my prayer.  It was mind-opening in a way that was quite honestly very different.

I was struggling though.  Just to stay in kneeling position and focus for that long already was kind of a stretch for me.  Crazy, eh?  But I told myself that if I could do it for each of my seminary kids, I should do it for my own kids. I really don't know how long that prayer ended up being. My knees were frankly pretty sore and it took some serious refocusing.  I included my dear husband, my ministering sisters and some of my extended family that have been on my mind.

And you know something?

That day, instead of worrying and wondering about the kids, the seminary youth and others as I am inclined to do, my mind was able to focus better and live in the moment instead of worrying about all the things that lie outside of my control.

It was as if I had traded worrying for praying and turning it over to God.  I'll take it.

Another Way

In the Book of Mormon, Aaron was teaching the king of the Lamanites, who wondered why Aaron’s brother Ammon had not also come to teach him. “And Aaron said unto the king: Behold, the Spirit of the Lord has called him another way.” ("Spirtiual Capacity," Craig, 10/11)

From the outside looking in, it is easy to feel that when another person's path is different from ours we can be confused because it is different from our own path. Well, mine has definitely taken a different turn over the past month.

Each of us has a different mission to perform, and at times the Spirit may call us in “another way.” There are many ways to build the kingdom of God as covenant-making, covenant-keeping disciples of Jesus Christ. As His faithful disciple, you can receive personal inspiration and revelation, consistent with His commandments, that is tailored to you. You have unique missions and roles to perform in life and will be given unique guidance to fulfill them. (ibid)

In September for homeschool, I challenged my kids to prayerfully look for patterns in their lives and ask God which ones they should change. I did the same. I have experienced a few significant events in the past year and a half that have kind of rocked my world. I dealt with them in a way at the time and continued to feel peace and joy for the most part but had a rising tension and fear building. I had a close family member take every aspect of my life and challenge, criticize and hate me for it. I had a stranger and then my own son turn me into CPS this summer for child neglect and abuse (both immediately excused as unfounded). And then, as the proverbial straw, I had the school district challenge my capacity to homeschool my children. All of these attacks were near and dear to my heart and seemed to trigger something different. A latent yet constant self-hate and doubt.

At the end of September, when the final challenge came, I broke. I looked at my life. It was a life full of good people like you who genuinely love and support me; a loyal, hard-working husband who was constant to God and to me; beautifully imperfect children who really are just normal and fine. I looked at myself. I have scaled down my expectations over the past few years to try and just embrace things and really felt like my expectations for others around me and my life were at a healthy place. I was using a herbal supplement, spiritual and physical regime to offset the effects of my hereditary depression and felt that edge taken off of my life for several months.

Why did I feel so broken in the midst of so much? It felt different from my depression but I wasn't sure what the answer was. I was finally at a place where I just had to say, "Okay, God. I can't do this any more. What next?"

Nephi, the brother of Jared, and even Moses all had a large body of water to cross—and each did it differently. Nephi worked “timbers of curious workmanship.”8 The brother of Jared built barges that were “tight like unto a dish.”9 And Moses “walked upon dry land in the midst of the sea.”10

They each received personalized direction, tailored to them, and each trusted and acted. The Lord is mindful of those who obey and, in the words of Nephi, will “prepare a way for [us to] accomplish the thing which he commandeth.”11 Note that Nephi says, “a way”—not “the way.” (ibid)

One day I was listening to a cd a friend had loaned me about depression. Although I felt unenthusiastic about it, I listened with half a mind when something triggered in my mind from something the person on the cd said. She refered to a time when she was facing staggering depression and PTSD and she was checked into a mental health facility. So many of the symptoms she had been describing fit my unhealthy mental patterns that God had been helping me see more clearly since September. The idea of just having time to mentally relax seemed like bliss but so unattainable.

Later that week is when I received notification from the district about my non-compliance. Now, this "crack down" was district and perhaps even state-wide among the homeschool community but not knowing this at first, it set something off. I woke up on a beautiful morning, perfect life around me, and just felt so broken. I sat on the side of our bed and sobbed as my concerned husband tried to comfort me. For a day I just kind of checked out.

That night, in the middle of the night, it was so dark, so bad. I had nothing that I could think of to "fix" this. To fix me. Very clearly, in the place of my mind where I have heard perfectly clear inspiration only two times before, I heard, "You have to take a month off. A month off of any responsibility." Impossible. "It is the only way."

Do we miss or dismiss personal errands from the Lord because He has prepared “a way” different from the one we expect? (ibid)

I reached out to my mom who was on her mission in CA. My husband was concerned, confused and yet completely supportive. I reached out to one or two others...all people who could be there to nurture my kids while I had this time off, even as I struggled to follow this prompting. This went against everything I was as a mom.

My journey over that month was complex and painful. It was excruciating and blissful. It was hurtful and healing. I was "checked out" at home for a week, went to California for 2 weeks and then one final week to Utah after a couple days home.  Long story short, I felt more deeply and purely God's perfect love and acceptance of who I am independent of anything I do. I felt complete peace and recovery from PTSD events tied into Isaak's death 16 years ago when I ran over him. I was led to people, to places. It was not easy nor was it quick. But I'll take the end result. It was worth it and God truly watched over those I loved while I was gone.

I testify of listening to conference. I testify of listening to "crazy" promptings like yoga and reaching out when you don't want to and wish others would reach out to you.  I testify of reading the scriptures, of journaling. I testify of the peace of the temple and of seeking truth in everything we watch, read and do.  I watched parts of the "Hunger Games" 6 times over the past month because parts of Katniss's journey and the journey of those around me resonated with where I was at.  Crazy.  But true. 

I testify of a God who knows us uniquely and personally and knows what our way is.  There is a right way for each of us and we can only know it by not judging ourselves compared to others and by seeking it for ourselves.  I still have so far to go on my journey but am grateful for the inner peace that this month has given me.   

Just don't try to follow my promptings for yourself or it might be like Nephi trying to walk on dry land when the Lord wanted him to build a boat of curious workmanship ;).