It is funny the thoughts that run through my head as I am laying by my toddler, hoping she will go to sleep, inflamed eye teeth and all. :S
As I rub shoulders with marvelous women in my homeschooling, it is inevitable that we are confronted with our different styles of parenting. Sometimes, as we discuss expectations and standards in our various groups, it is challenging.
I have run into this in the church and in my own family, examples of different families, striving to do what is best for their own family, often doing things that seem completely different from what seems right for another family.
Let me share an example.
When I first married into my husband's family, I was immediately struck with love and great respect for his oldest sister. As I watched her begin her family and raise her kids in her own unique way, in many ways different from the home she was raised in, I gained an appreciation for the genius of our Heavenly Father in sending down different personalities to different families. I have watched her over the years, learning from her example of love, patience, and tolerance. There are things that she does that do not feel right for me in my family culture, but I have seen her children thrive, develop their talents, and become amazing people as she does what she feels is right for them.
Similarly, his other sister, with whom I was great friends in high school, has always struck me with her integrity, acceptance of others, and selfless serving (much like their father). She, too, has chosen many things that are similar to what I do in my home and many things that are different, yet she, too, has raised beautiful, engaging children full of talents, a love for life, and who are genuinely just good people.
I think it is too easy to take our personal revelation/inspiration/perspective and impose it on others, judging them using standards that are uniquely adapted for our family.
Of course, I believe there are some things that are just not right: abuse, neglect, sin, etc...However, sometimes, things appear different when seen from a different perspective. For instance, some parents may feel it is abusive to allow children to eat junk food when they are too young to really discern what is good for their bodies and what isn't. I know that I have waited for
years for someone to call me into DCFS (Dept. of Family Services, I think is it's full name) for doing something wrong :). There are a few times, I almost called myself in :).
I think most parents are doing their best, and, despite the many various ways we parent, we are turning out a huge amount of amazing people who go forward to bless and serve in the world around us. We each uniquely apply truths within our home to the best of our ability, and need to cut each other some slack. :) We have no idea what the true situation is in the home, the background, and even what the needs are of an individual child. That right of knowledge belongs to the parents.
When dealing with this conflict of parenting styles in the homeschooling community, I was struck with an analogy from the Book of Mormon (for those not familiar with the story, it is in 1 Nephi chapter 3 and 4 of that book). The following is from a post I sent to a friend:
"We are not privy to other's spiritual direction. Let's pretend that
we are seeing through the eyes of one of Nephi's old buddies in
Jerusalem. He is peeking over the wall into the house of Laban, and lo
and behold! He sees his good ol' righteous brotha' in Laban's house!
Not only that, oh goodness! He is chopping off Laban's head...oh my!! And
then putting on his clothes, lying to his servant, and
stealing
his plates! One can just imagine the thoughts of the friend: 'Boy,
Nephi has really gone downhill since he left Jerusalem.' " :)
This post is more for me than for anyone. It is easy to be caught up, as we each strive to do our best, with comparing with other families--what we are and what we aren't doing, and making judgment calls on them as we establish our own standards and
feel what is right for our family's situation at the time.
It is also tricky as family cultures overlap at visits or socials, and fundamental differences in family standards conflict. I try to keep this analogy of Nephi and Laban in my head, which could apply to situations in the Bible (Abram took whatever land Lot left him, and Joshua's directive was quite the opposite--take the city that belongs to someone else and raze it to the ground before claiming it). We need to stop judging, teach our children respect for each other's differences and how to love, and then follow that advice ourselves :). Hopefully it can go both ways, without people feeling either "holier than thou" towards others, or threatened by standards that might seem "holier than thou" to them.
For instance, my brother and I discussed on Sunday, how he and his family love the game Minecraft. He says it is so fun and easy to get lost in the world of Minecraft for he and his kids...in fact, it is a fun family event for them all to get on and play together. When he thoughtfully offered to let me use one of his many accounts, I smiled and explained that our home has to have an environment of learning most of the time, because there is no physical separation for my kids between school and home, like his kids have. My kids can't "go to school to learn" and then "come home and lose themselves". When I have tried allowing more electronics when they were younger, they were always craving the next time on the computer or video game, and were unable to engage in the kind of free application of learning I try to allow for in my home. Two different homes, two different needs.
Perhaps a better way to put it is in the words of my husband, "judge righteously, what is right for yourself, but never condemn." My husband put it well, when emailing a sister a few years ago, referring to a country song (
very unusual for my "anti-country" husband :)...): it depicts a girl going
to an abortion clinic, singing to those who are throwing stones and
words at her on her way--"you'll never know why I do the things I do
unless you've walked a mile in my shoes."
Our Heavenly Father knows what is happening, background and situation. We need to trust that this is enough. Just because someone does something differently, doesn't necessarily mean it is wrong. Maybe they feel inspired to do it, and it is not for us to make that call
for them, no matter how it looks. It makes me think of when someone told me to rinse my hair with beer, but I was too paranoid of what others would think if they saw me at the grocery store buying beer to do it at the time :). Silliness. How cool would it be to live in the world, doing our best, and just know that others are not judging us! I believe it has to start with us not judging...tricky :)!
