Curious Workmanship

So, I have two new favorite phrases:"Drops of Awesome" and "curious workmanship."  I cannot tell you how many times today I have thought of the two!

Made pumpkin bread for breakfast for my family after scraping out all the squash I over-cooked last night!--drop of awesome!

Didn't brush my teeth, but did do my hair before frantically running out the door to catch up with my family that was on their way to the bus!--drop of awesome!

Made the bus.  That completely counts as a drop of awesome!

And right now, I could totally be doing ONE MILLION other things, but am here, on the computer, with my two babies in my lap, and trying to smile at them, and not worry about what I am not doing, and just enjoy them before they change.  Complete drop of awesome!  I can do this life, one drop at a time :)...

You get the picture.

Well, this morning, I read a few scriptures (drop of awesome!) in between getting things ready for that frantic bus trip to Budapest and came across the phrase "curious workmanship."  I am quite sure I have posted on this before, but re-learned this lesson and need to write about it...again :).

Nephi has just been instructed to build a ship and his brothers have, literally, been shocked into helping him. (1 Nephi 18:1-4)

...and we did work timbers of curious ^bworkmanship. And the Lord did show me from time to time (not everyday!)after what manner I should work the timbers of the ^cship.

 2 Now I, Nephi, did not work the timbers after the manner which was learned by men,  (he didn't have the internet, poor fellow!)neither did I build the ship after the manner of men; but I did build it after the manner which the Lord had shown unto me; ...

 3 And I, Nephi, did go into the mount oft, and I did ^apray oft unto the Lord; wherefore the Lord ^bshowed unto me ^cgreat things.

 4 And it came to pass that after I had finished the ship, according to the word of the Lord, my brethren beheld that it was good, and that the workmanship thereof was exceedingly fine;

Building a ship was a such a huge project!  And Nephi had never done anything like it before.  Sounds like my life!  Parenting, homeschooling, new country and language...all of which have their times when they feel like huge projects and uncharted territory.  Or, how about, just waking up and dealing with contrary-Maryness? :)

So, a couple things stuck out to me...

-He went to the mount oft...he did pray oft.  (Probably more than just token "checking in" at night :).)
Nephi knew he needed God to help him, so he went to Him more often.  How often do I go to the Lord for real direction?  Like the kind of direction Nephi needed about tools, measurements, and dimensions? ...and the Lord showed unto him great things!

-He did not work the timbers after the manner which was learned by men...and he got something exceedingly fine!  How often do we look sideways to measure our progress instead looking upwards for inspiration of where we can go?  Sometimes, our inspiration causes us to do something that looks a little "outside-the-box" :)...can we have faith enough to act? (Like standing in front of all those Hungarians taking pictures of our family like we were a side-show to the pig slaughtering festival :)? I must confess I waver!)

-The boat was of curious workmanship, and it turned out exceedingly fine.  "Curious workmanship".  Is that the same as "weird"? :)  As I look at my family, we feel a little like "curious workmanship."  I thought of that as we walked through the streets of Budapest today, with people's expressions as dark and gloomy as the weather as they stoicly watched us walk by.  Curious workmanship.  I thought of that with some of the truths that we do in our family, traditions that look just a little different, different from the manner "which is learned by men."

Little phrases.  So powerful.

Drops of Awesome.  Curious Workmanship.

Tender mercies.

Lesson to be learned again, and again, and again...

Do you ever feel like there is something that you just keep hitting your head against in this life...

Some weakness that just seems to stick, or just seems to keep coming back to haunt you?

That's me.

You see, I have this thing called "over-achiever-ness" (I am sure there is a Hungarian word for it...they are always making huge words out of a whole bunch of little ones!  I digress...).  It goes like this:

I sit down with my "list" for the day.  Now, I long ago got over the delusion that this list is going to save me and make me awesome.  My list is just because I walk around in such a fog sometimes, that, if I don't have a little bit of direction, I would walk around the house in a daze with the same toy in my hand, wondering if there wasn't something I was supposed to be doing :).  Anyway, back to this list...

I sit down with my list and try to remember those few things that kept me awake the night before, bugging me that I wouldn't be able to finish them in the morning, or gave me nightmarish glimpses into a future where those tasks were not done.  I am fully aware that I will not get them all done, but know that I will get a lot more done this way and that sometimes, sometimes I have a time in my day when I wonder: "Hmmmm...what should I do next?" :)  Most of the time I just wonder how in the world my kids will be educated more (let alone cleaned and fed) by the end of the day...especially here in Hungary, where it seems like Quinn and I are responsible for everything: church groups, scouting, classes, etc.

Our family's days are full and, for the most part awesome, but I always feel like I am behind!  Maybe it is because every time I leave the house, I am reminded that I am in this foreign country and cannot speak the language :).  I want to get to know these amazing people!  The little tidbits I have been able to scrap together are wonderful...a tantalizing taste for more.  (Well, except for my landlady, but that is a story for another day.  Naughty, Mary!)

There are days that I just want to throw in the towel and feel like, heck! (Yes, I feel that strongly :)...) Let's just go home to the US!  :)  What good are we doing here, Father? 

Like when we are standing at the pig slaughtering and, instead of taking pictures of the pig being flame-roasted in the background, the five photographers there to record the event are taking picture after picture of our family with all these kids.  Sure, I've felt like I stand out a little before, but to have people sitting there taking photo after photo made me feel a little uncomfortable.

Or like when the landlady comes to our house, looks at the mold that we are trying so hard to keep at bay with dehumidifyer, de-molding spray, airing out the house, etc, and says, "All I know is that I never had mold when I was living here.  It all started with the renters before you and now with you guys." (In Hungarian, of course.)  Seriously, woman!  Like we spend all that money on a dehumidifyer and running it, and all that time trying to air out the house and clean it just to spite you!  Nice.

And all that in the same trip where she refuses to sign the papers Quinn asked her to come to the house to sign in the first place. (Residency visa papers for the rest of us...appointment tomorrow at noon, and she refuses?  Does she want us to leave and not have a renter, while her house disintegrates into a moldy heap?!) Anyway, I digress again :)...

So, going back to my challenge, I think it can be summed up in one scripture that has, truly, become my bane and my challenge and my hope:

 D&C 123:17 Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us ^acheerfully ^bdo all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the ^csalvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed.

Cheerfully, eh?  And how do I know how much is "all things that lie in [my] power"?  I am mindful of Elder Eyring's quote but sometimes, it is so hard!  

I have come to deeply believe that it takes great strength to be cheerful.  I have days, when--no kidding :)!--it feels like my cheeks are creaking into a smile, after I think, "Hey, maybe I should smile!  I don't think I have done it for a while" and then try it :).  And this is on days that are pretty good, too.  I still remember the day that I focused on smiling all day and Liliputian said, "Hey, mom...you seem really happy today!"  Uh-oh.  Like it was something unusual? :S

  I never thought of it before, thinking on women and men I know that always seem to have a smile on their face, how strong they must be. Strong not to give into the natural man tendency to wallow, to pity self, to grumble and murmur.  I think we mistakenly anger as being the strong emotion (I know I do!), but to truly be cheerful is a hugely heroic thing. 

I shared the above scripture the other night when the missionaries asked us for some of our favorite scriptures, and one of them pointed out the verse before it:

 16 You know, brethren, that a very large ship is ^abenefited very much by a very small helm in the time of a storm, by being kept workways with the wind and the waves.

The missionary pointed out that the helm is our attitude.  Hmmm...

I just get so discouraged when I see how "small" my "all" seems, in the face of "all" that seems needful to be done!  I know it just takes clinging, with faith, to the promise in my scripture:

...and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the ^csalvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed.

I just needed the big letters to grab my attention and remember that God is big enough to fill my bowl and make the difference. (See "Drops of Awesome"!)

And that, sometimes, it is time to stand still and smile :).

"Does this count for...?"

We have this phrase that I have come to dread in our house:

"Mom, does this count for...?" (Fill in the blank with: my exercise, my dinner help, cleaning the room.)  It just seems to reflect a lack of ownership, and I hate playing the "minimum requirement" game.

We talked about this in our devotional yesterday morning, how there are principles behind what we do in our home, and when we try to fulfill our responsibilities, we are satisfying principles that can give us satisfaction. (Yeah, I know.  I am always shooting for the ideal :).)  Like, when we have a schedule for family exercise, it is not so mom and dad want a power-trip by having the kids do what we want them to do, but it is so they can feel the joy of being healthy at at least one point in their lives and be able to better choose whether it is worth it or not later in life.  And, of course, the deeper principle is that we need to take care of our bodies that God gave us so that we can be happier and also be able to do all we were sent here to do :).

Anyway, after talking to the kids about it, I reflected about how there are many times in my life, in my actions and what I do, when I think along those lines: "Does this count?  If I read my scriptures for a few verses, does that count for my scripture reading?" :)  Guilty!

I read a children's book the other day to my kids (imagine that!) called "The Parable of the Bicycle" based upon the parable told by Stephen Robinson.  In it, it refers to the situation we are all in, wanting (or needing) help to get eternal life, help to get back to live with God,...and we cannot pay that price ourselves.   In the book, he says something about "giving our best" and then Christ will pay the rest of the price.

My problem has always been, how do I know when I have given my best?  How do I know if my offering "counts" for "all I can give"?  Some days I can give so much and do so much.  Other days, it is all I can do to force myself out of bed in the morning and try not to snarl at my kids :S...let alone poor Q-dawg :).  When is it enough?

And is that the right attitude :)?  I wonder...

I love Elder Uchtdorf's talk about "Forget Me Not", and I think he address a lot of ways to help with this dilemma we find ourselves in.  It can just be hard, I think, to see what perfection is, and be content doing what we can, knowing Christ can make the difference, without assuming an attitude of "does this count?", missing out on principles and blessings, and just trying to jump through hoops to get to the end.

Maybe it is when we more fully understand the principles behind the Gospel's list of "to-dos," whether it be visiting teaching, going to church, or reading our scriptures, that we will do those things to fulfill the principle, and be able to recognize more fully when we are satisfying that principle.

For instance, I have felt lately that one of the purposes of scripture and prayer is to help me "be alone with God".  When I think about that as I am doing those things, when I have felt that I have made that connection and have been "alone with Him," I am content, and don't have to worry about "is it enough."  One of the purposes of going to church is to renew our baptismal covenant by partaking of the sacrament...to become clean, remember the Savior, and reconnect with those promises I made when I was baptized.  If I do that, I know that church has been a success, whatever chaos or other things may happen at church.

One thing I like about this approach is that people can honor the principle in different ways, and not worry about comparing or competing.   That is what I tried to bring up with the kids.  It takes the selfish, whiney-ness out of doing what we do every day.  Elder Uchtdorf, in that talk I referenced above, said that "Every person and situation is different, and a good sacrifice in one instance might be a foolish sacrifice in another."  He is talking about sacrifices, but I believe it applies to more than that...it applies to "good, better, and best": what is good, better, or best for one person will look different for someone else.

Anyway...lots of ramblings.  I am tired, and don't know how coherent this came across, but I need to hit the bed, and Q-dawg is waiting to finish his amazing talk for this upcoming Sunday, so I will leave it.  This has just been on my mind a lot, and I find that when that is the case, there is something I need to learn from writing it out...and I have! :)

"I know who I am"

Here is an incredible video produced by some youth in the South Jordan River Stake, shown to me by one of my own youth from Vanguard....love you, Ashley!

I know who I am

It brought me chills.  Our youth are prepared and perfect to meet the incredible darkness and wickedness of these last days.  They are strong, they are good, they are ready. 

Does any robot really try to post things on people's blogs?

Really, after filling out those ridiculously obsure boxes before commenting so many times, I have wondered...

Does anyone know?  I have taken the "confirmation that you are not a robot" step on my comments (I think, anyway), and have not have any contact with either Johnny-5 or ET (although, technically, ET is an alien and not a robot). Okay, R2D2 or C3PO. :)

Follow-up question:  is someone employed to take pictures of number for those confirmation things, or do people just sit around and come up with them for fun?

Just curious :).

The power of Fear

When I can step back and look at how I interact with certain of my children, I often view my behavior with distaste.  Too often I submit to the temptation of anger, manipulation, or coercion.  Too often I act in haste, before giving my actions good thought and consideration, not seeking inspiration for how to act on true principles.

This morning, as I considered this, I realized it is largely out of fear.  As I read in the scriptures about coming to Christ and getting to know Him better, I feel peace and assurance.  When I think of the situations that are creating stress to me at home, I feel overwhelmed and uneasy.  Why this difference? I wondered.  Why, when I think about my children at times, do I feel agitated?  This cannot be right, I thought.

That's when the word came to me, "Fear."  I fear that something I do wrong will drive them away, something I say will change their lives for the worse forever, ...something.  Stepping back from this realization, I can see the lie of it.   True, I have influence upon my children, but they have agency!  As I am striving to be good, erring and struggling, do I have faith that God really will make good on His promises to make our weaknesses into strengths, or do I fear too much?

Do I really think that my influence is greater than God's goodness?

As I think upon the Savior, His grace, power, and majesty bring me calm.  I am assured of His ability.  But, how to keep that with me, even when I am fearful?

I also thought about "fear" today...how it can hold me back when I fear I am not ready for something.  Ready to speak to someone, ready for a class, ready to perform,...ready to get out of bed :)!  As I try to learn the language, maybe I feel like those women I have encouraged over the years to share their feelings and testimonies more often in public settings...fearful!  It is easy to be fearful that we will say the wrong thing, or fearful that what we have to say is just not important enough to be shared, or that we aren't fancy enough in how we talk to make an impression.

I love this video put out by the LDS church about the man who was instrumental in converting Brigham Young.

A Man Without Eloquence

It reminds me that if I just open my mouth, maybe--just maybe!--not only will I be blessed with the confirmation of the Spirit for doing God's will, but maybe--just maybe!--people will understand me, and we will be able to be blessed and strengthened together.  Maybe--just maybe!--I will be what God needs right then, and be blessed to see His Hand in the lives of others through me...be it my children, my friends, or perfect strangers.

So, how to get over our fear so I can be an instrument in His hands?  I like the scripture in John that says "Perfect love casteth out all fear."  One meaning of that, I think, is that if we can love God perfectly, we will not be fearful, but I struggle to be perfect in anything :).  Lately, I have been thinking, though, that maybe it is talking also about God's love.  It is perfect, and, if we welcome it into our lives, then maybe--just maybe!--it will drive out that fear. :)

Sore muscles and Mountains to climb

I have recently started exercising again.

I make my kids do it before they eat lunch, so I better do it, too, right?  Now that I can?

Anyway, after going through Q-dawg's recommended exercise program for the week, I was sore.  Soooooo sore.  By Friday, I wasn't sure more exercise was what I needed, but, no.  Q-dawg, the resident expert, assured me that going on a jog would actually do my tight, sore calves good.

On faith, I left the house and began running, and lo, and behold!  It was true!   They were feeling better.  Better, in fact, the further I went!

As I reflected on this peculiarity, it made me think about spiritual muscles...how there are times when we feel so tired, sore and achy that we just want to call it good.  However, sometimes, it is the going out and still doing good, even when we are aching spiritually or emotionally, that brings greater growth and strength...and makes us feel better!

I was still thinking about this apparent contradiction when I heard this new song from the new Youth Theme for 2013, "Mountains to Climb":

Part of the chorus goes like this:
"Give me mountains to climb, give me rivers to cross;
 Give me mountains to climb because I know it's taking me higher than I've been before."

While it is true in my own life that my trials and mountains have taken me higher than I've been before, I must confess that I balk at the climb, at times :).  I also hesitate to ask for things that make me stronger...kind of like praying for patience?  I never do that, because then God will give me ways to practice being patient :)!

As I thought about this, I was reminded of the talk by President Eyring when he talked about asking God for a trial to make him better...and then he got it!  He said the following (in a talk that was titled, ironically enough, "Mountains to Climb"):

I heard President Spencer W. Kimball, in a session of conference, ask that God would give him mountains to climb. He said: “There are great challenges ahead of us, giant opportunities to be met. I welcome that exciting prospect and feel to say to the Lord, humbly, ‘Give me this mountain,’ give me these challenges.”¹

My heart was stirred, knowing, as I did, some of the challenges and adversity he had already faced. I felt a desire to be more like him, a valiant servant of God. So one night I prayed for a test to prove my courage. I can remember it vividly. In the evening I knelt in my bedroom with a faith that seemed almost to fill my heart to bursting.

Within a day or two my prayer was answered. The hardest trial of my life surprised and humbled me. It provided me a twofold lesson. First, I had clear proof that God heard and answered my prayer of faith. But second, I began a tutorial that still goes on to learn about why I felt with such confidence that night that a great blessing could come from adversity to more than compensate for any cost. (April 2011 address)

Perhaps one of the reasons that trials are so, well, trying is because they expose our weaknesses--UNCOMFORTABLE! :)  I want to be like the song above suggests--it is so peppy and full of truth!  It makes me want to have faith and hope and happiness in the idea of welcoming and embracing the trials that come my way...I just feel like such a coward at times :).  Stretching those spiritual muscles when they still ache from the previous experiences takes a lot of faith!

Yet, through these trials, as we discover these weaknesses, we can find our strengths:

 Ether 12: 27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their ^aweakness. I ^bgive unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my ^cgrace is sufficient for all men that ^dhumble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make ^eweak things become strong unto them.

This brings to mind something the Goob had us watch for devotional the other day. (I love these little strings of "ah-hahs" and connections...feel free to tell me your own if you read this and have some...I love it!)  One minute and totally worth it!

The Greatest!

Through our trials we may realize that we are not  the greatest hitter in the world, but, in fact, we are the greatest pitcher in the world :)!  For instance, I may not the be most coordinated person in the world, but I am pretty darn good at cleaning up messes!

Piano Guys and Inspiration

"Don't only practice your art
But force your way into its secrets
For it and knowledge
Can raise men to the Divine"--Beethoven

The Piano Guys: Beethoven's 5 Secrets

When I look at this video, and think of all the passion, sacrifice and work that went into the art exhibited by this one cellist...When I think of music, and how it brings me closer to the Divine,...I am inspired.

And I love being inspired :)!

The following is a link to an interview with The Piano Guys (it also explains why there is a cellist among the Piano Guys :)!).

Interview with "my boyfriends" (as Q-dawg puts it)

I finally purchased one of their electronic cds since I had listened to it enough times on you tube to warrant buying it for myself.  I figure, I should support the artists that created the music that I love so that they can make more :).

Growing up and following advice...or not!

I have noticed that when my kids hit nine, something seems to happen. 

They keep coming to me for suggestions and recommendations (which I often will turn back to them with a "what do you think?"), but, all of a sudden it seems, they almost inevitably chose to do something other than what I recommend or suggest.  As Liliputian started doing this, I wondered at it...why?  I wouldn't mind so much if they didn't insist on still asking me what I thought or what I recommended, even though they don't choose to follow it most of the time.

As I thought about it more, it made me think of two other "stages" it seems we go through:
-a two, when the child realizes that they are not just an extension of their mother, but have an identity distinct.  This leads to the "all about me" phase, "me this!" or "me that!" or "mine!"  It also leads to the realization of will: that they can choose to not do what the parent tells them to do...simply because they can. (Not one of my favorite things :S.)

-a young adult, or young married person, when someone is starting off and their own, determined to conquer the world, and the advice of parents or other elders seems to fall on deaf ears. (I think I was one of these :)...)

I have heard it said that when a child becomes a teenager, it is another time of separation, similar to what happens at two.  Having already come to the realization that they are physically separate from their parent, they now are more aware that they can choose to be completely separate from their parent, an awesome and scary realization.  It seems to be a time where they want to explore the range and scope of their new-found uniqueness, discovering how their choices affect them for the good and bad.  Some children are content to follow the advice of parents and elders, and learn from their mistakes; others feel compelled or simply the need to figure things out on their own, for themselves. 

I wonder if the young adult experiences this same feeling?  Now they are "locationally" separate from their parents, and can choose to learn from those who have gone on before, or they can choose to figure it out for themselves. 

I tended to fall into the latter category, although I will listen. :)  I wonder if these are stages, or simply that people are different, some choosing to learn from others, and some choosing to figure it out on their own.

There is much to be said about learning from personal experience, but to be able to learn from others while still maintaining your identity is truly a blessing :).  Maybe that is why some children choose to so blatantly go against the advice of parents? ...because they feel the need (rational or no) to be separate from their parents so they can figure out who they are, even if it is by doing things that bring on bad consequences.  Then they can figure it out for themselves.  I wonder...

Mysterious passages revealed...

I just thought this was so cool!

It occurred right after Oliver Cowdery and Joseph Smith received the Aaronic Priesthood and baptized each other:

 74Our minds being now enlightened, we began to have the ^ascriptures laid open to our understandings, and the ^btrue meaning and intention of their more ^cmysterious passages revealed unto us in a manner which we never could attain to previously, nor ever before had thought of.

 How amazing it would have been to go back to the scriptures after being baptized and receiving the priesthood and seen a marked difference in your ability to discern truth and understand the scriptures!

Do I take that for granted, the gifts I have been given to increase my understanding of the scriptures?  The Priesthood in my home?  My baptismal covenants?  God truly does want us to learn and grow!  My kids have asked before why we pray before each class...it ends up that we pray several times a day this way :).  I tell them it is so that the Holy Ghost can increase our capacity to discern truth, remember it, and apply it.  I know that the Holy Ghost can enlarge our memory.  I just need to trust that what I get is enough and not worry about what I am not remembering and go forward in faith...

...even with tired mom-brain :).

I still remember sitting in a Thomas Jefferson Education seminar when I had four little kids six and under (Isaak was in heaven at this point), and having them tell me that education was a life-time ability, and that I had a mission, unique and specific to me and my talents.  A mission, granted, that included motherhood, wifehood and sisterhood--all with a little flair that was "Mary-ness", with my unique set of talents, weaknesses, and abilities.  Kind of like a quilt :).  The motherhood, wifehood and sisterhood are the quilt--very general in definition; my personal way of doing it, embracing it, and creating it are the pattern of the quilt.  I have had people be disparaging about "missions," claiming that the pursuit of such is a competition with our "other" roles.

I disagree.  I believe discovering our God-given mission includes those roles.  It was as I have pursued my talents with my family, seeking to inspire and include them, that I have found an increased satisfaction with my role as a mother.  It became less generic, less like trying to figure out what "the right way" was.  It was as I asked myself, "what can I do to serve my family and learn at the same time?" that a whole new world has been opened to me!  Pursue what you are passionate about...with your family.  It looks a lot different than an exclusive, "all-about-me" ambition that I see in the lives of so many women...like what they are happy and passionate about (you know, what "fills their cups") has to be distinct from their roles of womanhood.  Why not include it?

For instance, I love art...love to do it!  However, my time doing it is a little limited :)...not to mention the potential mess. Yet, I have tried (and am still trying) to draw, sketch, paint and even have little art classes with my kids, knowing that my role as a mother is not only to meet immediate needs, but to inspire them to try things.  It has been mainly when I am drawing next to them on my own project that I see them get excited about it and try harder to do something more with it.  When I welcome them into the project, not shut them out, worried that they will mess it up or are "competing" with my desire to create, my ability to mother increases, as does my ability to pursue a talent.  Cool stuff!

Similarly, with my piano playing, when I have tried to put in a little more practice time here and there, showing a struggle in trying to master a piece, or playing to fulfill my own needs, my kids see the patience, struggle, and joy that come with piano playing and their time on the piano increased.

However, when I seek to find fulfillment outside my role as a mother, it feels wrong...for me at least.  I pursue learning in politics because I want my children's freedom to be preserved.  I study to inspire my children and be able to teach them in their homeschooling...woohoo!  Love to learn!

Anyway, I digress, but I know that the presence of the priesthood and the Spirit can increase my capacity, and that I can find satisfaction in my role as a mother as I explore my unique ways of being a mom and inspiring my family! :)

Why Wait?

In Joseph Smith History, I read about how Joseph Smith was taken to see the plates, but then was told he had to wait (verse 53).  Why?  I wondered?  Was he shown so that he could see something to keep him going?  Something to confirm the words of the heavenly messenger?  Why not just show him in four years when he can get them?

Or was it so he could have a vision of what was in his future?  Maybe he wasn't ready at the time, but needed to have that vision so clear in his mind so he knew what he was preparing for?

It led me to think: What things do I get a glimpse of in my future, but then need to wait?  Is there a necessity of vision, even if we have to wait?

When we first got "a vision" of coming to Hungary, I was ready to go.  "Let's do this thing!" I thought.  "If this is the 'next step', then let's get going!"  Well, it was a long year later before it happened, but Joseph Smith had to wait for four years!  My patience felt stretched to the limit just for one year.

But now, as I type, I think of other things we catch visions of, but need to wait.  Q-dawg and I had almost a full year of unfulfilled anticipation before we found out we were expecting our first child...not a long time, of course, by the standards of anyone--especially those who wait for years, or who wait for the next life.  I don't pretend to compare myself to them and the extremity of their unfulfilled longings, but we had a long year of hoping and dreaming of that vision we had created of parenting, and it wasn't easy.

People wait for years or (again) until the next life to find someone to marry, yet in the church we create that vision of family and marriage in spite of that.  Vision.  What is it about vision?

Is it to keep our course fixed in the direction it needs to be?  What about those times when it is the vision that keeps us going in a direction, only to find out our preparation in that direction were actually getting us ready for a vision we didn't forsee at first, but our preparation was perfect for that unforeseen vision?

What do we envision for our lives now?  What visions has God given us of our future or of the future of our family?  Are we working towards it?  Do we yearn for it, as we did for our first child?  But, then, do we have the patience to endure?  I think that is the hard part...living true to a vision, but needed to keep living it, day in, day out, year after year.

I feel for Joseph :).

The step into the darkness...

I am always amazed at how much our morning devotionals seem to really be for me...far more, it seems, than for my children.

Take this morning, for example...

We watched a little clip to go along with our faith month:

Elijah and the Widow of Zarepheth

I was touched that it was after the woman gave her last bit of oil and flour (beautifully done in this clip!), that the miracle happened.  It was so little to offer the prophet of the Lord, but it was all she had...the widow's mite.  She had to take that step into the darkness, that step of faith that was the choice between getting a little food for her and her son before they died of starvation, and watching with a desperate hope this stranger eat that bread, clinging to his promise that seemed so unbelievable...

It reminded me that what I have to offer is enough...in this beautiful little house in a place where I cannot speak but a little.  It reminded me of the story about the one-armed champion...that our one move is all we need, when it is all we have to offer.  So do I have the faith to keep acting?  Keep doing those little things that seem so small, and be content that it is enough?  Keep putting Papaya in time-out, hoping that someday she will learn; keep trying to be patient with a son that keeps arguing,...keep trying to find ways to be what he needs and what I need to be when the path looks so dark; keep cleaning, keep getting up in the morning, keep trying to learn a language that seems to be like a cloud of confusion in my mind.

Those baby steps seem so small, and yet so formidable when they seem to need to be repeated over and over again!

With these thoughts lingering on my mind, I went to attack the huge pile of laundry in the bathroom.  I brought in the laptop so I could listen to something while I worked (advice from a friend!).  Perusing quickly through the conferences, I was drawn to Elder Uchtdorf's talk at a women's meeting last year or the year before.  You really need to listen to it, hear his voice and have the spirit of truth touch you and to remind how valuable are those little things we can do, even if it feels like the last of our cruse of oil and bit of flour:

Awesome Uchtdorf talk

  It was my "time alone with God" today, as He reminded me, through the voice of His servant, of how much He loves me, how I need to be easier on myself, and how I need to find more delight in the small things...and keep taking those steps into the darkness...

Time alone with God

As my husband and I got ready to start doing a Mutual night for our youth, we checked out the new theme for the year, "Stand Ye in Holy Places."  They have a video about some youth from Ghana to go along with it:
Video with new youth theme

In one part of the video, they show Elder Uchtdorf (truly one of my favorite people!) saying: "We need to find time to be alone with God."

That really struck me!  Alone with God. What a beautiful and intimate phrase.

It connected really well with my recent scripture reading, as I slowly make my way through Joseph Smith history.  Joseph tells how, after the first vision--as the light departs--, he has no strength.  I had also recently read in Moses 1:9-10 how Moses, left to his own strength, is weak and cannot arise:

 9 And the ^apresence of God withdrew from Moses, that his ^bglory was not upon Moses; and Moses was left unto himself. And as he was left unto himself, he ^cfell unto the earth.

 10 And it came to pass that it was for the space of many hours before Moses did again receive his natural ^astrength like unto man; and he said unto himself: Now, for this cause I know that ^bman is ^cnothing, which thing I never had supposed.

I wondered about this...could it be because it wore them out to be with God?  Or perhaps, feeling God's sustaining power, both Moses and Joseph felt the difference not being in God's presence?

I thought about the verse a little bit earlier in the JSH reading, where the churches draw near with their lips and with their hearts draw far away from Him?  Do they lose their power and potency because they are not near God and therefore are not sustained by His power and presence?

What about us?  Do we feel a difference in our power and potency when we are near God, as compared when we are not near Him?

Does His presence in our lives also sustain us, like Moses and Joseph Smith when they were with Him?

It brings me back to the original video I mentioned, and Elder Uchdorf''s words: "We need to find time to be alone with God."

Where is that sacred place where we meet with God every day?  Do we meet with God everyday, or is it just a casual relationship?  I find myself just going through the motions too many times!  Do I really approach my daily scripture reading and prayer as though I am on holy ground?

Of course...there is the ideal and then there is life :).  This morning, getting up a little earlier, per my goal now that we are moving ahead in life, I still had a little bundle of Hava on my lap as I studied.  "Can this count?" I pled heavenward :).  Hava talked and snuggled the whole time, and my attention kept wandering, but my heart was there :)...and I could feel that God knew it.

Now, if I can just flee to the tabernacle of His presence throughout the day, as I get weary, stressed, or frustrated.  I find that I have unrealistic expectations (who doesn't?) and judge myself harshly, whether it is when I drop a bowl and make a mess, or look at myself in the mirror :).  I find that this judgment is largely what causes these daily frustrations, and wondered, this morning, about the scripture "judge not that ye be not judged"...again.  I wonder if, because my mind is all ready to judge myself harshly, if that is why I get short-tempered with my kids so easily, or with messes or other situations?  Perhaps if I tried to be a little gentler with myself, that gentleness would spread?

Time alone with God will probably help :).

A poem that I memorized years ago drifts through my head as I strive to create this presence of God in my home and be more gentle and kind (like the Mommy Bunny in my last post :)...) to my children:

Give me patience when tiny hands
Tug at me with their small demands
And give me gently and smiling eyes
And keep my lips from harsh replies
And let no fatigue, confusion, or noise
Obscure my vision of life's fleeting joys
So that years from now, when my house is still
No bitter memories, its rooms will fill

(I don't know the author--sorry!--but probably could if I tried harder, but there it is!)

It's funny that I should be typing this as my little Papaya tugs at my arm and whines, with little Spooner laying across my lap.  The room is in disarray from Pipalicious and Hava doing dress-ups and pretend while the older people of our household are all away with their father playing soccer for exercise...the latest favorite.

Patience, time with God, Mommy Bunnies, gently smiling eyes...

...deep breath :).

Kindness and the Glad game, as taught by two personal classics...

The Country Bunny
I have a children's book called "The Country Bunny"...and something about little golden shoes.  It is one of those books that I have kept around over the years because it keeps teaching me things. I don't like a few things in it (if you ever read it and want to talk, I'd love to), but there are some messages that just keep teaching me every time I read it to the kids.
It is truly a personal classic.

So, lesson for this week from the Country Bunny.  Story in a nutshell: this bunny wants to grow up to be one of the five Easter Bunnies that deliver eggs, but "ends up" having 21 little baby bunnies instead. As they grow, she teaches them to work in the little cottage, each taking an area of stewardship over which they show joy and do well,..."and there is never a cross word at the happy cottage."

Well, the Grandfather Bunny (who also picks the five Easter Bunnies, who are wise, kind, and fast) learns about all she has done with her children, and how there is never a cross word in their cottage.  He says something that really stuck the last time I read it, "...then you must be very kind."

I thought about this, how the kindness of the Mother Bunny affected the fact that there was never a cross word at the cottage.  It struck me how much of the words and attitudes that my kids use when they interact with each other are a reflection of my own interacting with them--however justified I feel when I am not being kind!

I have focused this week on being kind--truly showing kindness in how I treat them and how I act towards them, and I have already seen such change.  No fair! :)  Does my example have to really be that powerful?   :)  Ahhh....ownership of responsibilities.  I need to look at the good, flip side of this to say, "Wow!  My example is really powerful!"

I believe it was really a true observation (however fictitious the story) that the Grandfather could link the fruits of happiness in the household and between children with the kindness of the mother.

Pollyanna
I think many people have seen or heard of the Disney movie "Pollyanna."  It is fun and sweet.  However, when I saw it on the reading list for 14 year olds in "TJEd for Teens", a leadership education book for youth, I was skeptical.  It seemed too, well,... honestly...naive.

My daughter and I are reading the lists together, as part of our Vanguard group/scholar phase plan, and put it under our month that we are studying the role of God in society and the role of religion.  I didn't realize how perfect and how powerful it was, until I finished it.

The movie is really true to the book, with some slight aberrations, but nothing that took away from the essence of the book, so if you have seen the movie, you will have the basic gist of the book.  However, the book gave more examples about how the "Glad" game really changed the lives of people.   I loved the variety of hard, real situations that were affected by the glad game, and knew, in my heart, (as I first doubted then believed,) that it was true.  To find ways to be glad about whatever situation we are in truly changes hearts and changes lives.

The application really hit home as I was emailing a friend about our holidays, how there were things we missed here in Hungary, but, knowing it was just a couple years, it was no big deal to me.  Then the thought occurred to me that if we really could see how short this life was in the context of eternity, would our attitudes and perspectives change about our trials that we are having?

If we could really see that things were more fleeting than we realize, would we hold onto grudges, concerns, or limitations? Hmmm...food for thought.

I have also played the Glad game so much since finishing the book...really, without intending too.  When a child comes up to me with a concern, I have to stop myself at first from rambling off all the reasons to be glad, knowing that we all need validation and to be heard :).  And, I also realize as did Pollyanna, it is also easier to see how others can be glad, than to see it for ourselves when we are in a situation that is hard. 

However, just reading the process Pollyanna goes through in all these situations of seeing the good and changing people's lives is like a personal training book on "how-to be GLAD!"--something at least I could use more of :).

AH-HAH!  Avot thinks our family is up to doing a Shakespearean play, bless her heart.  As I memorize my lines, one just struck me with a possible deeper meaning.  Romeo is lamenting a lost love (not Juliet) right at the beginning, but I thought the advice from his cousin, Benvolio (me) applies so well to what I have been thinking about:
BENVOLIO
    Be ruled by me, forget to think of her.
ROMEO
    O, teach me how I should forget to think.
BENVOLIO
    By giving liberty unto thine eyes;
    Examine other beauties.
  

As we examine "other beauties," giving our eyes liberty to look for the good, we will be much better off, just as Benvolio counselled his cousin.  However, we have to give our eyes liberty, and not fixate on the problem...which is what I tend to do :S. 

I just love connections.