Lesson to be learned again, and again, and again...

Do you ever feel like there is something that you just keep hitting your head against in this life...

Some weakness that just seems to stick, or just seems to keep coming back to haunt you?

That's me.

You see, I have this thing called "over-achiever-ness" (I am sure there is a Hungarian word for it...they are always making huge words out of a whole bunch of little ones!  I digress...).  It goes like this:

I sit down with my "list" for the day.  Now, I long ago got over the delusion that this list is going to save me and make me awesome.  My list is just because I walk around in such a fog sometimes, that, if I don't have a little bit of direction, I would walk around the house in a daze with the same toy in my hand, wondering if there wasn't something I was supposed to be doing :).  Anyway, back to this list...

I sit down with my list and try to remember those few things that kept me awake the night before, bugging me that I wouldn't be able to finish them in the morning, or gave me nightmarish glimpses into a future where those tasks were not done.  I am fully aware that I will not get them all done, but know that I will get a lot more done this way and that sometimes, sometimes I have a time in my day when I wonder: "Hmmmm...what should I do next?" :)  Most of the time I just wonder how in the world my kids will be educated more (let alone cleaned and fed) by the end of the day...especially here in Hungary, where it seems like Quinn and I are responsible for everything: church groups, scouting, classes, etc.

Our family's days are full and, for the most part awesome, but I always feel like I am behind!  Maybe it is because every time I leave the house, I am reminded that I am in this foreign country and cannot speak the language :).  I want to get to know these amazing people!  The little tidbits I have been able to scrap together are wonderful...a tantalizing taste for more.  (Well, except for my landlady, but that is a story for another day.  Naughty, Mary!)

There are days that I just want to throw in the towel and feel like, heck! (Yes, I feel that strongly :)...) Let's just go home to the US!  :)  What good are we doing here, Father? 

Like when we are standing at the pig slaughtering and, instead of taking pictures of the pig being flame-roasted in the background, the five photographers there to record the event are taking picture after picture of our family with all these kids.  Sure, I've felt like I stand out a little before, but to have people sitting there taking photo after photo made me feel a little uncomfortable.

Or like when the landlady comes to our house, looks at the mold that we are trying so hard to keep at bay with dehumidifyer, de-molding spray, airing out the house, etc, and says, "All I know is that I never had mold when I was living here.  It all started with the renters before you and now with you guys." (In Hungarian, of course.)  Seriously, woman!  Like we spend all that money on a dehumidifyer and running it, and all that time trying to air out the house and clean it just to spite you!  Nice.

And all that in the same trip where she refuses to sign the papers Quinn asked her to come to the house to sign in the first place. (Residency visa papers for the rest of us...appointment tomorrow at noon, and she refuses?  Does she want us to leave and not have a renter, while her house disintegrates into a moldy heap?!) Anyway, I digress again :)...

So, going back to my challenge, I think it can be summed up in one scripture that has, truly, become my bane and my challenge and my hope:

 D&C 123:17 Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us ^acheerfully ^bdo all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the ^csalvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed.

Cheerfully, eh?  And how do I know how much is "all things that lie in [my] power"?  I am mindful of Elder Eyring's quote but sometimes, it is so hard!  

I have come to deeply believe that it takes great strength to be cheerful.  I have days, when--no kidding :)!--it feels like my cheeks are creaking into a smile, after I think, "Hey, maybe I should smile!  I don't think I have done it for a while" and then try it :).  And this is on days that are pretty good, too.  I still remember the day that I focused on smiling all day and Liliputian said, "Hey, mom...you seem really happy today!"  Uh-oh.  Like it was something unusual? :S

  I never thought of it before, thinking on women and men I know that always seem to have a smile on their face, how strong they must be. Strong not to give into the natural man tendency to wallow, to pity self, to grumble and murmur.  I think we mistakenly anger as being the strong emotion (I know I do!), but to truly be cheerful is a hugely heroic thing. 

I shared the above scripture the other night when the missionaries asked us for some of our favorite scriptures, and one of them pointed out the verse before it:

 16 You know, brethren, that a very large ship is ^abenefited very much by a very small helm in the time of a storm, by being kept workways with the wind and the waves.

The missionary pointed out that the helm is our attitude.  Hmmm...

I just get so discouraged when I see how "small" my "all" seems, in the face of "all" that seems needful to be done!  I know it just takes clinging, with faith, to the promise in my scripture:

...and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the ^csalvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed.

I just needed the big letters to grab my attention and remember that God is big enough to fill my bowl and make the difference. (See "Drops of Awesome"!)

And that, sometimes, it is time to stand still and smile :).