When I can step back and look at how I interact with certain of my children, I often view my behavior with distaste. Too often I submit to the temptation of anger, manipulation, or coercion. Too often I act in haste, before giving my actions good thought and consideration, not seeking inspiration for how to act on true principles.
This morning, as I considered this, I realized it is largely out of fear. As I read in the scriptures about coming to Christ and getting to know Him better, I feel peace and assurance. When I think of the situations that are creating stress to me at home, I feel overwhelmed and uneasy. Why this difference? I wondered. Why, when I think about my children at times, do I feel agitated? This cannot be right, I thought.
That's when the word came to me, "Fear." I fear that something I do wrong will drive them away, something I say will change their lives for the worse forever, ...something. Stepping back from this realization, I can see the lie of it. True, I have influence upon my children, but they have agency! As I am striving to be good, erring and struggling, do I have faith that God really will make good on His promises to make our weaknesses into strengths, or do I fear too much?
Do I really think that my influence is greater than God's goodness?
As I think upon the Savior, His grace, power, and majesty bring me calm. I am assured of His ability. But, how to keep that with me, even when I am fearful?
I also thought about "fear" today...how it can hold me back when I fear I am not ready for something. Ready to speak to someone, ready for a class, ready to perform,...ready to get out of bed :)! As I try to learn the language, maybe I feel like those women I have encouraged over the years to share their feelings and testimonies more often in public settings...fearful! It is easy to be fearful that we will say the wrong thing, or fearful that what we have to say is just not important enough to be shared, or that we aren't fancy enough in how we talk to make an impression.
I love this video put out by the LDS church about the man who was instrumental in converting Brigham Young.
A Man Without Eloquence
It reminds me that if I just open my mouth, maybe--just maybe!--not only will I be blessed with the confirmation of the Spirit for doing God's will, but maybe--just maybe!--people will understand me, and we will be able to be blessed and strengthened together. Maybe--just maybe!--I will be what God needs right then, and be blessed to see His Hand in the lives of others through me...be it my children, my friends, or perfect strangers.
So, how to get over our fear so I can be an instrument in His hands? I like the scripture in John that says "Perfect love casteth out all fear." One meaning of that, I think, is that if we can love God perfectly, we will not be fearful, but I struggle to be perfect in anything :). Lately, I have been thinking, though, that maybe it is talking also about God's love. It is perfect, and, if we welcome it into our lives, then maybe--just maybe!--it will drive out that fear. :)
It is incredibly comforting when I remind myself that not only do I have a Heavenly Father, but that my children do too. Then the challenge is to help them build a connection to Him. That's where I worry. And with everything else you said. In our society blaming others (including parents) is so natural, so I guess teaching them agency and accountability is part of that too. So much spiritual to teach them, who cares about math. :)
ReplyDeleteAmen, sister! (Although, I do like math :)...)
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