When Idealism Becomes Greed

So yesterday was my day of "my will be done": "my" being "Mary's."    At the end of the day, I was still discontent with the other things I felt I "should have done."  It was interesting.  Many of the things, if not all, were things that I have felt inspired to do at one point or another in the past.  They were all godly things...but still, that feeling that has made me frustrated or mad over the years prevailed.

This morning I woke up with a tune in my head from an old Aesop's Fables tape I played over and over for my kids in the past:

Be content with what you have and make yourself feel glad.To be greedy makes a good heart bad.

 Am I being greedy with what I want to accomplish in my day?
Am I mis-labeling "idealism" with "greed," and thereby insisting that my discontent is a good thing?  Should I not be content with my efforts of seeking the Lord's will day in and day out?  Have I allowed my greed to accomplish everything I see possible in the lives of everyone I have ever met to rob me of the joy and peace I can feel in the moment as I live a beautiful and very full life?

I was thinking about one of my fears I mentioned yesterday, "the fear of failing in the eyes of society." I realized who that was!  It was me!  I am measuring myself against every good thing that everyone has ever done, measuring my efforts, my successes, my failings.

I want to:
-have class after class with my children
-spend hours bonding with my little ones
-paint the house
-cook amazingly scrumptions and healthy dinners
-exercise and do yoga
-spend a long and leisurely time in my scriptures
-update all the kids' scrapbooks
-paint my own creations
-study world history and make powerpoints about them to teach my children
-progress in math and science studies
-learn languages
-do family history
-go to the temple
...and have a clean kitchen and homemade bread, all at the end of one day!

Greed?  Perhaps.  I don't feel it is profitable to go through and analyze each motive to see if it is "greed" or "idealism." I think the question I need to ask myself is this: Is this desire at this moment greedy and is it making my heart "bad"?

To me, "bad" can mean many things in this context: discontent, ungrateful, hating myself, displeased, unsatisfied.

This quote comes to mind, as quoted by President Hinckley:

“[The fact is] most putts don’t drop. Most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. …

“Life is like an old-time rail journey—delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed.

“The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride” (“Big Rock Candy Mountains,” Deseret News, 12 June 1973, A4).

Take a deep breath, Mary.  Counsel with God, plan out that day, but then go with the inspired flow that embraces other people's agency, embraces this 24-hour time limit we have to work within.  God works in the scope of eternity, and we are His work and glory.

Then when you lay down at night, be content.  Get some sleep in that boat while the storms rage and trust that you are enough.