30 Day Humility Challenge!

I doing a Humility challenge! Our scholar youth group is focusing on Humility this month and my personal project is an in depth study and application of the concept of humility for the month.

Every day, I start off the day asking God what He wants me to do. I write it down. Then I try to do it.

For my scripture reading, I go to the topical guide of the scriptures and read at least one verse from the section on "humility." (Sometimes 1 verse is all I do, but it gives me heavenly food for thought .)

And then, at the end of the day--no matter what!--I write down at least two things about my day in the journal by my bedside, ideally focusing on seeing God's hand in my day. (Sometimes it is two things in one sentence .)

I have been doing this for a week now and it has been AMAZING: amazingly eye-opening, amazingly painful, and amazingly inspiring. While I have learned that I have a long way to go, I have also learned some new insights on how to get there.

I will be keeping track of this here, so feel free to join me in this challenge, comment or share your own feelings and insights here!

So I challenge you: find your own project for the month that has to do with humility that is personalized for you, and then do it!

(I wonder what the effect would be if people accepted this challenge like they accepted and spread the "ice-bucket challenge" :).)

It is amazing the "flecks of gold" I have already found in my life (that were already there!) by doing this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fEfg-Z-TOc8

Where do you have membership?

Paying the price of membership
If you want to participate in a fitness club, you pay the price. 

If you want to participate as a citizen in a country, you pay the price.

If you want to participate as a member of a religion, you pay the price.

For each society, club, or organization that we "participate" in, we pay a price.  Each society has their contract, their terms.

I have thought about this concept a great deal while dealing with people over the past several years of homeschooling. I don't like to exact or demand a high cost to programs.  In an ideal world, people each offer what they have that is in abundance of their needs (not their wants) which in turn fills the needs of others who in turn fill the needs of yet others.  I have seen this work in smaller scales in homes and organizations and it is a beautiful, especially when offered, not coerced.  So I like to offer things that are inexpensive, but have clear expectations of membership.

When those expectations are clear, understood, and accepted, things run smoothly. Not perfectly.  Smoothly and synergistically, creating amazing results.

We each do the same thing as we participate in different organizations:
-we sign up for a gym membership, we agree to pay the fees and govern our actions to allow them to function well as a gym for all their participants

-in our families, the parents (and sometimes the children) establish what the expectations are in their family unit that allow them to enjoy full privileges in their society: you treat your sibling poorly, you will be asked to not participate; you don't do the work that is required to run your society, you don't get the privileges of participating in the fun activities that society provides; and etc :)

- in our churches, our religious leaders seek to teach us what God's expectations are, whatever our faith

-in our countries, we have an outline of laws we choose to abide by in order to enjoy full participation in that society...or we are limited--thrown in jail, subject to penalties and fines, etc.

-even in groups like on-line gaming or social clubs, there is an expectation that you must be "up to speed" with whatever is the "hot topic" or "recent upgrade" in order to be considered "a member." Many times we don't even realize we are trying hard to be parts of these clubs!

Again, when the expectations/rules in each society we participate in are clear, understood, and accepted, things run smoothly.  Not perfectly, but smoothly and synergistically, creating amazing results.  You may feel somewhat limited by the expectations or rules, but you choose to pay this price or obey these rules.

Sometimes I think we forget that our choice is which society to participate in, not necessarily which rules we will abide by within that society.  Sometimes, we expect "freedom" within a society from their rules, but still expect full membership and results of what that society offers.

Where do you have membership?

I was thinking about this scenario as I pondered something that I don't think we realize is happening.  We are all paying membership to different organizations, with different degrees of loyalty, and sometimes we don't even realize where our strongest loyalties lie.

In our public school systems, we teach our children to obey at all costs, generally.  There are a few parents that put law of the family or law of God above law of the school, but not very often.  You agree to abide in the political and social society that requires education, right?  And you want the A's and accreditation that follows with earning those A's.   I know.  I did it very well.  I went to Yale.

In this setting, we often de-emphasize the agency of the student to participate, because to be educated is one of the conditions of membership in our country, and the consequences are great, not only legally, but because we realize as parents that to be educated affects our childs future.  However, sometimes parents go so far as to actually tell a child that their worth is based upon social status, grades, or degree of obedience to the teachers and administrators.  We use whatever means we can, ofttimes, to coerce, cajole and compel.  We don't tell them: "We think it is a great idea to get an education!  The results are important, life-changing, and long lasting--I know this to be true!--but you can choose if you want to do it or not." Rather we pay a lot of time and homage to the god of public education, often forcing it when, as parents, we recognize that our participation in our particular society requires it.

Contrast this with our participation in our churches.  As a parent, I find myself emphasizng their agency over their obligation and the long-term potential.

"These are God's laws, but make sure you recognize you have your agency to choose to abide those laws. Love you no matter what!"

Of course, there is always agency.  Of course, we will love them (or should love them) no matter what.  However, once we have "signed-up" as members through baptism or whatever other ordinances our religions require, we are under certain obligations that are far more lasting and of greater eternal significance than those we are under as part of a nation.

But do we teach this?  Do we prioritize this?  Do we model this?

Where do our greater loyalties lie?

In our minds, perhaps we say our loyalties lie with God.  But what do our actions say?  In our daily priorities, loyalties, and actions, which price of membership do we pay first?

Our kids are watching. I think it is not wonder that youth often leave the churches of their childhood upon becoming adults, having been shown and told for years in actions and words that the gods of science and government trump the God of our faith.  We or others around us have modeled that the gods of the social groups and online communities have priority in our hours of worship over the God of our souls.

We pay the many prices of membership daily:
-time
-money
-obedience
-loyalty

...and our children are watching.  And learning.  And modeling.

If you want your children to bow to the altar of technology and modern science, the altar of governmental authority, policies, and curriculum, that is up to you.  Just make sure you are making that choice mindful that you are, in fact, actually making a choice of where your membership lies.

“For where your treasure is (or where you spend your treasure), there will your heart be also.”  Matthew 6:21

It is enough

So often, I run through my day like a chicken with it's head cut off, as if my frantic efforts to "do as much as possible" is going to somehow "save" me and my family.  Okay, maybe not "so often" but practically every day. It's sad.  I think I tell myself sometimes, subconsciously, at the end of the day: "Well, I may be worn out, but look at all I accomplished!"

I was struck by some things this morning as I was reading the account of Jesus washing his disciples' feet.  Please forgive my liberty with interpretting Peter's reactions, but they really hit home to me:

 1 Now before the feast of the passover, when Jesus knew that his hour was come that he should depart out of this world unto the Father, having loved his own which were in the world, he loved them unto the end.

 2 And supper being ended, the devil having now put into the heart of Judas Iscariot, Simon’s son, to betray him;

 3 Jesus knowing that the Father had given all things into his hands, and that he was come from God, and went to God;

 4 He riseth from supper, and laid aside his garments; and took a towel, and girded himself.

 5 After that he poureth water into a basin, and began to wash the disciples’ feet, and to wipe them with the towel wherewith he was girded.

 6 Then cometh he to Simon Peter: and Peter saith unto him, Lord, dost thou wash my feet?

Peter is confused...why is his Lord and Master washing his very own, dirty feet?

 7 Jesus answered and said unto him, What I do thou knowest not now; but thou shalt know hereafter.

"Trust me, Peter."

 8 Peter saith unto him, Thou shalt never wash my feet...

"No!  You may be the Son of God, but I know best!"

...Jesus answered him, If I wash thee not, thou hast no part with me.

 9 Simon Peter saith unto him, Lord, not my feet only, but also my hands and my head.

"Well, in that case, please wash all of me, because if washing my feet does that, surely to wash my whole body is better..."

 10 Jesus saith to him, He that is washed needeth not save to wash his feet, but is clean every whit: and ye are clean, but not all.

 11 For he knew who should betray him; therefore said he, Ye are not all clean.

 12 So after he had washed their feet, and had taken his garments, and was set down again, he said unto them, Know ye what I have done to you?

 13 Ye call me Master and Lord: and ye say well; for so I am.

 14 If I then, your Lord and Master, have washed your feet; ye also ought to wash one another’s feet.

"Trust me, to just do what I said and what I tell you to do is enough to save souls...including your own."

 15 For I have given you an example, that ye should do as I have done to you.

 16 Verily, verily, I say unto you, The servant is not greater than his lord; neither he that is sent greater than he that sent him.

 17 If ye know these things, happy are ye if ye do them.

Can I simply trust that the things the Lord is telling me to do--not the world, not the example of my amazing neighbors and friends, but the Lord--is enough to save myself and my family?   He even promises us happiness in the meanwhile!  I will try to listen to that still small voice, read my scriptures and pray, and then try to be content that what I do with that is enough and be happy.  Unfortunately, it is far to easy to become addicted to hollow accomplishments and busy-ness and feel disappointement and failure when we don't "do it all."

Alma 37:6 "By small and simple means shall great things come to pass..."

Perfection: making the blooms so big and beautiful, the weeds have nowhere to grow

I love gardening.

Something about working with the earth, clearing the ground for beautiful or delicious things to grow, just satisfies something deep within me.

Not only that...when I am weeding, pruning, watering, weeding, planting, and weeding some more, my mind has a chance to ponder and think.  I have always known this to be one of the benefits of working outside, but today I learned yet another truth as I tilled the soil.

I have worked hard to get our yard back to where it was before I completely neglected it just before moving to Hungary.  It was a mess!  The front yard is blooming and growing, but, as we have other financial priorities, there are some gaps in the garden where no blooms or plants are growing.  No plants other than weeds, that is.  I find that the best way to fight weeds is to plant something else to use the soil.

 Today I noticed some weeds growing in a spot that I have weeded several times.  Resigned, I thought, "Sometimes, you just have to let a few weeds grow and concentrate on the blooms around them."  I thought about my house that gets dirty in the midst of creation, in the midst of homeschooling. I thought of the bad things that grow up around me when I am focusing on big, beautiful good things.

But that led me to thinking...if I have enough blooms to fill my garden, then the weeds really won't grow.

My mind wandered back to my analogy and I think I stumbled across a very beautiful parallel:  when we focus on growing beautiful things in our life--those things that are God's priority and the best and most beautiful things that we can put there--then there will not be time for those weeds of selfishness, bitterness, discontent and envy to grow. If we focus on helping the blossoms of our children grow, focusing on planting good things in their hearts and minds, there will be no room for the bad.  When we fill our mind and lives with the good, the bad simply doesn't have place to grow.

Now, that doesn't mean that there won't be storms, early frosts, and adversity.  However, the weeds will be less to non-existant, depending upon how much time we invest in planting.

I can weed and weed and weed the same spot again and again and the weeds will still keep coming up.  However, if I plant a big beautiful plant in that same spot, my need to weed diminishes.  Similarly, if I poke and prod and poke and prod my children or myself about the "weeds" without planting beautiful things to replace them, I will default to poking and prodding more to try and "keep the weeds down."

Well, time to go weed some more. I didn't read through this again, so I apologize for redundancies and incongruencies, but felt I needed to just get these thoughts down.  Feel free to comment and share your thoughts and experiences on this! :)

Moving rocks

I loved this article from a recent "Friend" magazine!  Sometimes some of the greatest truths come in the simplest packages:

Once a young boy was trying to smooth out the dirt area behind his house so he could play there with his toy cars. There was a large rock blocking his work. The boy pushed and pulled with all his might. But no matter how hard he tried, the rock wouldn’t budge.

His father watched for a while. Then he came to his son and said, “You need to use all your strength to move a rock this large.”

The boy answered, “I have used all my strength!”

His father corrected him: “No, you haven’t. You haven’t had my help yet!”

They then bent down together and moved the rock easily.

The Lord wants us to rely on Him in solving our problems. Then we can feel His love more constantly, more powerfully, more clearly, and more personally. We become united with Him, and we can become like Him.

 I was just reading the parable of the talents this morning and was struck how our meager efforts are made into many things only as we allow the Lord to consecrate our performances.   It is only through His hand and presence in our lives that we are able to have "all that the Father hath."

Yes, we must do all that we can do, but sometimes I think that our "all that we can do" in the Lord's eyes is much more realistic and much more merciful than what we think it is.  The key is to allow Him into our lives daily to help us measure and feel His enabling power through prayer and scripture study and whatever else we feel prompted to do. 

It's funny.  After all these years, I know that those are the answers but sometimes I still really have to drag myself to the altar, as it were, to partake of those mighty blessings that come through those simple acts.  I am reminded of something Quinn mentioned last night in our Family Home Evening on obedience: the people of Moses could be healed from great, deadly sickness if they would just look up at the snake on the rod Moses held up.  That was it.  Look up.  Naaman was healed of debilitating leprosy by simply bathing 7 times in a dirty river.  Do it.

If simple obedience is really the answer, why do I fight and ignore the promptings that often indicate simplicity?

Time to start inviting the Lord with me on my journey more, so I can start moving those rocks that seem to be before me.  Obedience to even the most ludicrous promptings (and maybe especially to those!) will surely yield great miracles in my life.  Why do I insist on doing it "my way", when experience indicates that my way seems to not only not move rocks, but find more to push :)?

When submitting is not a bad thing...

I just finished reading Wister's "The Virginian" for the second time.  The first time I read it, I was convinced that it was a male chauvinist book.  This time? I found it a beautiful portrayal of some key differences between men and women, all done tastefully and respectfully.

One part in particular stands out to me, in which someone is counseling the hero's lady love about happiness in marriage:

Once, I thought love must surely be enough. And I thought if I could make you love me, you could learn me to be less--less-more your kind (he is from the south and she from New England).  And I think I could give you a pretty good sort of love.  But that don't help the little mean pesky things of day by day that make roughness or smoothness for folks tied together so awful close.  Mrs. Taylor hyeh ("here"...a mutual friend of their's)--she don't know anything better than Taylor does.  She don't want anything he can't give her.--pg 196, end of chap. 27

 How many times to we as wives continually seek for that "green grass" on the other side of the fence? It reminded me of the section in Ephesians 5 about husbands and wives:

 22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.

 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.

 24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.

 25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

 26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,

 27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.

 28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.

 29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:

 30 For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.

 31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.

 32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.

 33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

 We submit ourselves to the Lord because we love and trust Him.  True, He is perfect, but I know so many men that nourish and cherish their wives the best they know how...and their wives just don't think it is enough.  Men show their nourishing and cherishing in different ways, and when we married them, we as women felt like it was good enough to pledge ourselves to them for time and all eternity at that time.  What has really changed?  Has the husband really gotten that much worse, or have we as women become that much more demanding?

When the honeymoon is over sometimes we start to feel that we need to fix what isn't necessarily broken!

I see men work day in and day out and come home to: "well, that just isn't enough!" time and time and time again.  I know it goes both ways!  I know there are men who also feel that all their loving wives are doing isn't enough and let them know it!

I feel it is so important in marriage to be content with the imperfections in our spouses...I am sure they are aware of enough to work on without their soulmate, their pledged friend and companion, pointing out where they could be better!

Submitting.  Contentment.  Powerful words that will look different for everyone, but eternal principles that are worth considering how to apply in our own unique ways.

Godhood and chaos

As I was working calmly in my house this morning, rejoicing in the first Wednesday I have not had anything scheduled since Christmas time (if not before!), I noticed that out of the chaos I was leaving cleanliness and beauty in my wake. 

It made me wonder, is that not what we are preparing for?  For godhood, when out of the chaos around us, we create beauty and order.  I learned in physics about entropy, the natural tendency of things toward chaos.  Perhaps just as we must confront the natural man tendencies as outlined in Mosiah 3:19 and create beauty and order within ourselves, we must confront the naturally emerging chaos around us and create beauty and order?

Now, I think the "creating" part is very messy at times :), and joyfully so, and one person's view of "chaos" may differ from another's...perhaps like some plants are weeds to some people and flowers to others?  Perhaps some of godhood is that perspective to see the beauty and purpose in some chaos, and knowing which ones we need to work on and fix?

Hmmmm....musing out loud :).

Digging the holes of life

Quinn came up to me yesterday morning.  "My goal (since we are realistic at our house :)...) is to get all the sprinkling systems up and running."  Pause.  "And then, if I actually do that, I will get the swamp cooler running."  I cheered him on his way with a hug, and we each separated to our various fields of Saturday battle.

Periodically I would see him, dirty and tired, but always coming from the same hole.  Apparently, one broken sprinkler line went under a tree and the main line next to it was also vulnerable during the digging and ended up being broken too while Quinn was chopping through the trunk and roots of the tree.

Needless to say, it took him all day to get to the broken line, fix the main line that broke in the process and...that's "it."  It was frustrating for him.

However, as we talked about it (as my projects felt similarly frustrating), I said, "But you know, that work had to be done to get where we want to go.  There was no other way to do it."

It got me thinking this morning.  How many times in callings in the Church, in situations with family and friends, or in personal development we feel like we are like Quinn, digging and digging and digging...even making more problems as we try to "solve the problem" or "achieve the goal"?  It is frustrating! 

Yet...

...sometimes we cannot achieve our goal, mend that relationship, or serve those people without hours of what feels like fruitless labor.

Carry on.  The goal is still the goal.  The end is still heaven.  And it is about what we become in the process, even if we don't always see the fruits of our labors as often as we would like.

"Puzzling" lessons with Hava

As I sit here in the peaceful morning hours, putting together a puzzle with Hava, I was struck by some truths.


She couldn't see the big picture so she kept trying to fit pieces together.  If they were a true fit, then that was exciting!  However, when she kept trying to do it and couldn't find a match, she got discouraged and would give up.  How often in our own lives do we give up on our "big picture" of our lives because we can't seem to find the right pieces to go together?  Do we trust that the big picture is there and God is the author of it?

As we sat there, I also realized that, if she was going to have the enthusiasm and ability to finish this puzzle, at her age, I would have to do a lot of it, and then she would be able to start filling the remaining pieces in better on her own. Similarly, in our youth and infancy, often God helps put a lot of framework pieces in so we can see how we fit in.  However, as our maturity increases, often He lets us do more and more of the different puzzles, according to our readiness and maturity...and enthusiasm :).

He is the perfect "puzzle-put-together" partner!

God is with us

http://www.mormonchannel.org/video/mormon-messages?v=3446112587001&cid=HPWE040914672

God is with us.  Even in our darkest hours.  In fact, especially in our darkest hours.  I know this is true.

On the other side of my wall...

I tend to think deeply and passionately about things...not necessarily correctly, I openly admit, but deeply and passionately.  I have conversation after conversation with people I know and love in my head, conversations that never actually take place. I remember distinctly sitting on the hot black vinyl seat in the car next to my dad on our way to his work, having a conversation with him, only to realize at the end that I had never actually spoken one single word.

When I actually delve into open deep and passionate discussions with the sweetly willing few, I am not always very good at articulating what I say, and say many things that might be construed as hurtful or antagonistic, as I seek to verbalize those emotions and passions and turbulent thoughts that are within me.  I tend to speak words and phrases experimentally, seeking for the Spirit to confirm if what I said accurately reflects truth...or not :).  I distinctly recognize the feeling when I have spoken something that is untrue, or even hurtful. :S But on the other side of this experimentation is so often delicious, beautiful truth!

However, it is a process of experimentation with communication, an experimentation that has so often been a barrier to understanding.  Those I seek deeper understanding with are often understandably hurt by my ofttimes incorrect, arrogant, or antagonistic expressions that I use to seek to find those words that articulate how I feel and what is right.  I don't start trying to offend people.  I love the truth, and recognize that just because I love and trust someone, it doesn't always mean that what they say is true.  When I have conversations like this, these truth-seeking conversations, their opinions and thoughts may be just as correct--and just as invalid!--as I recognize my own to be and I may openly disagree with them in my pursuit of truth and that beautiful confirmation of the Spirit.

The Lord's way is not contention...for contention is of the devil (3 Ne. 11).  Sometimes, when I have these conversations, there is an ugly feeling, a feeling that is not of the Spirit. No truth can come from that, so I often find myself floundering in the middle of a discussion--throwing out words and expressions--, seeking a course of speech that will regain the Spirit.  It is not always pretty.  Sometimes, I can see it is painful or uncomfortable to the one I am speaking with and I hurt and often stop.  I hate offending or hurting people almost as much as I love the truth, so it is an ugly line I walk.  Even in this post, I am sure I have posted phrases and expressions that may be construed as hurtful, offensive, or arrogant. 

Sigh.  There are so many times that I want to just sit in my room, bottle up, and not leave...not talk...not email, so I don't hurt anyone else.  (I cannot tell you how hard it was to stay with people after accidentally killing my own son.  However, God had other ideas in mind for me, it would seem, and I could only do what He would have me do in a situation such as that. ) It is a constant battle.

So, to those of you who know me and run into this "wall,"  this wall of intensity, this wall of Mary's imperfect truth-seeking tactics, please understand and know my intention is not to hurt when that happens.  I try to stop as soon as I can see that the conversation is painful or offensive, but am not always good at that, such is my love for that elusive true-ness of speech that has so often been so delightfully discovered on the other side of that uncomfortable, ugly wall.

There it is: an imperfect look, using imperfect words, to look at an imperfect being...but a being that loves deeply, even those she may inadvertantly hurt in her pursuit of her most-beloved truth.