Lessons Learned in Darkness

Been feelin' kind of dark and wandering internally lately.

Blegh!

It was nice to read the following article written by an old friend, a reminder that mists of darkness are not necessarily because I am evil, sinning or unfaithful...merely part of the voyage:

A few years back I went through an especially dark season of my life. I faced many difficult challenges, and I felt depressed and overwhelmed by heavy burdens.

At church one Sunday, I looked around at all the happy families singing hymns and tasting of the love of God. I wanted to feel the same way, but something felt physically wrong with me.

I had felt the Spirit in the past, but I had been unable to for some time. As in Lehi’s vision of the tree of life, I felt as if I were completely surrounded by mists of darkness—I couldn’t even see the tree (see 1 Nephi 8:2–24).

When the sacrament prayers began, I closed my eyes and reached out to Heavenly Father, pleading for assurance of His love. I asked Him why I couldn’t taste of the fruit of the tree of life.

As I pondered Lehi’s dream, I had a piercing realization. “Why haven’t I remembered this before?” I thought. Traveling through mists of darkness is a completely normal part of God’s plan. He allows us to experience difficulties from time to time so that we can completely depend on Him and His Son. The key is to cling to the iron rod. I still saw myself in mists of darkness, but I had hope. (rest of article below)**

I have always been one to want to do God's will: in theory, at least :).  I fall a bunch, but I do it.  I tend to be a bit "do or die" about it, though, and His lessons tend to be in a different direction lately.

Following are some articles and videos that have taught some deep lessons.

Lesson #1: I am the pruner.  You are the bush.  Trust me.  It will hurt, but trust me.

Lesson #2: Sometimes you have to go in a drastically different direction for that fine tuning you want.
Violins, Me and Fine Tuning

Lesson #3: Sometimes you have to just do it differently.  Let God show you the direction.  You may be feeling like you are "pulling in empty nets" but try it my way-- just where you are at,--and you will see miracles!

(I listened to this "in passing" from some Bible videos I had playing for the younger kids before church.  I wept as I listened to Christ tell them to "cast their nets on the other side."  A coincidence?  No. A message.)

Then Tova was playing this for the kids when I "happened" to join them.  Coincidence again?  You get the picture. Hopefully I am getting it!!

Lesson #4: You need to change.  You need to grow.  And you need to trust me.

I have always read Jacob 5 in the Book of Mormon from the view of the trees representing many people: tribes and nations.  This morning, I was the tree and the parable took on new meaning.

 4 And it came to pass that the master of the vineyard went forth, and he saw that his olive tree began to decay; and he said: I will ^aprune it, and dig about it, and nourish it, that perhaps it may shoot forth young and tender branches, and it perish not.

 5 And it came to pass that he ^apruned it, and digged about it, and nourished it according to his word.

 6 And it came to pass that after many days it began to put forth somewhat a little, young and tender branches; but behold, the main ^atop thereof began to perish.

 7 And it came to pass that the master of the vineyard saw it, and he said unto his ^aservant: It grieveth me that I should lose this tree; wherefore, go and pluck the branches from a ^bwild olive tree, and bring them hither unto me; and we will pluck off those main branches which are beginning to wither away, and we will cast them into the fire that they may be burned.

 8 And behold, saith the Lord of the vineyard, I take ^aawaymany of these young and tender branches, and I will graft them ^bwhithersoever I will; and it mattereth not that if it so be that the root of this tree will perish, I may preserve the fruit thereof unto myself; wherefore, I will take these young and tender branches, and I will graft them whithersoever I will.

Lesson #5: I matter.

Lately, I have struggled so much with feelings of self worth, self-doubt. I have plead to heaven: Do I really matter?  Where art thou?  Why is this so hard?  The scripture this morning had double meaning:

It grieveth me that I should lose this tree

I also had the impression that, given the choice, Christ would have suffered, even if it was just for me.  Even if no one else thinks so, He thinks I am worth it.  I know that these feelings of low self-worth are probably from Satan (okay...they are), but they can still feel so real when you are struggling.  During this particular mist of darkness, I needed to remember that when all else seems to be weak and "not enough," He is enough.

He did it for me.  He doesn't give up on me.  He keeps pruning, watching and loving...and refining.

Lesson #6: What lack I yet?  Oh, so much, but with Him as my mentor, we can make things oh so good...even in the darkness.  Hold fast. Hold on. Faint not.

*********************************************
Rest of the article from above:

As this impression left my mind, I felt a sweet reassurance from the Holy Ghost that my trials would pass. The Spirit testified that Heavenly Father was there. I wiped the tears from my eyes, grateful that I had been able to feel the Spirit again.

I began to immerse myself in the scriptures. I still had many dark days, but I had faith that if I clung to the iron rod—the word of God (see 1 Nephi 11:25)—I would be freed from the mists of darkness. I’m not sure how long it took, but one day I could at last taste of God’s love again. It was like warm sunshine after a long winter.

As I have struggled off and on with life’s challenges, I have remembered my promise to cling tightly to the iron rod by studying the scriptures and the words of the prophets. I know that when the mists of darkness come, I have the tools necessary to see my way through them and the promise of a warm reception on the other side.

Failure: a door to opportunity and success?

We watched an amazing series of short clips about overcoming for devotional this morning...thought I would share!

Don't fear failure...if you want to fly, be prepared to fall.

If you want to succeed, be prepared to fail.

Then we watched this powerful analogy of the necessary struggle experienced by a butterfly to achieve its potential:

I experienced my own mists of darkness, culminating yesterday. As I struggled through what looked like obstacle after obstacle, the inspirational message of this short article by my friend reminded me that the "mists of darkness" are a part of the journey, not something that happens when we are being bad or doing anything wrong.

Tova commented, after reflecting, "Heavenly Father can't lift us up unless we see that we are fallen or falling."

Lily remembered this quote from one of the videos: "If you didn't fail, it means you aren't trying anything new!"  She further mused, "You need to go through the darkness to realize the blessings that you've got!"

May these messages inspire others...

Getting the vision back

I had a really off day.

It could be that I don't have any contact lenses right now and can't see much of anything.

It could be that my back is out.

It could be the huge storm that blew in and a day full of "last minute changes."

But it felt deeper than that and I walked around in a slump...a bit of a stupor. I felt in the doldrums of "mom-hood" and felt like I just wasn't "getting it done" or "measuring up"--even though I couldn't quite put a finger on what it was that I wasn't "doing" and who was doing the "measuring"...and of what.

Then I read this article posted by my friend. Thank goodness for friends who are inspired to share just what you need.

I read it, did some yoga with my kids, played a card game with my 14 year old in the middle of a cluttered room while my little ones lounged about and just enjoyed the moment of being a mom...not even looking at the time.

Thanks, Karen!

A Question of Time

Two ideas have really made me think lately:

From Elder Bednar, quoting Elder Nelson: When you don't have time (or ability) to do everything, you spend your time doing what matters most.

From Kel's lesson on Sunday: God made time and, when He did, He made enough of it.

Add these two ideas together and what does it mean?  Could it mean that when we "don't have enough time" it is because we are trying to do more than we need to be doing?  Or we are spending our energy in the wrong direction and subconsciously we recognize that? Could it be that we have created this "time dilemma" by filling our heart and mind with desires that are superfluous?  Desires that are "fluff"?

Perhaps this is part of the great test of this life, to choose to use our time wisely so that when we are in a state of "outside of time" we will continue to do those things that truly matter?  You know, like a way to train us to choose what is best so that we will continue to do so when we are no longer limited in our time and energy?  

Imagine the distracted potential of someone who wants to do everything all the time and is unable to move forward in an eternal situation... hmmmm...food for thought.

Why bother writing?!

Write it down, Mary...now share it.

But what if no one is listening? I often ask.

It doesn't matter, comes the answer time and again.  Write.

I have struggled many times during the course of my "blogging" years to feel that my voice matters and that anyone is listening. I look sideways in moments (or months!) of self-doubt at others and their large "followings" or number of "facebook likes" and sigh.  "Does my voice matter?  Is it worth the time away from my family?"

When I read my friend was having similar struggles I was stunned!  Surely, with all the wisdom I had been gleaning from her over the years she wouldn't consider what she had to say of little worth!  But apparently, she was doubting.

It made me think.  Recently, she and I have been following on our own similar trails of discoveries of truth, of struggle, of heavenly lessons learned.  It has been almost uncanny how much her voice in her articles voice and reinforce my own struggles and lessons learned!  I have found comfort and companionship in her sharing.

I also had a friend text me about an article I wrote that let me know she was also dealing with similar issues to what I had voiced in my article and her text and her personal experience gave me strength, hope and fellowship.

How many times do we silence our voice, thinking no one is listening? That our words couldn't possibly matter?

I was struck by similar feelings found in one of the great Book of Mormon prophets, Nephi.  2 Nephi 33 took on new meaning as I read it this morning and had these thoughts on my mind:

 1 And now I, Nephi, cannot write all the things which were taught among my people; neither am I ^amighty in writing, like unto speaking; for when a man ^bspeaketh by the power of the Holy Ghost the power of the Holy Ghost carrieth it unto the hearts of the children of men.

 2 But behold, there are many that ^aharden their ^bheartsagainst the ^cHoly Spirit, that it hath no place in them; wherefore, they cast many things away which are written and esteem them as things of naught. ("Is anyone listening to what I say and write?" I can almost hear Nephi say.)

 3 But I, Nephi, have written what I have written, and I esteem it as of great ^aworth, and especially unto my people...

 4 And I know that the Lord God will consecrate my prayers for the gain of my people. And the words which I have written in weakness will be made strong unto them...

11 ...and ye shall know that I have been commanded of him to write these things, notwithstanding my weakness. 

Who knows where or even when our audience is, whether we will change the face of nations or the fate of one person.  Is not the worth of one soul great?

Keep writing, my friends.  Keep sharing.  We are living parallel lives of growth, learning and experience and I know that if we open our mouths or unleash our pens, despite our weaknesses, that if we are doing it because God bids us and our intentions are pure, we will change lives and that it may just come back home to save ourselves.