Lessons Learned in Darkness

Been feelin' kind of dark and wandering internally lately.

Blegh!

It was nice to read the following article written by an old friend, a reminder that mists of darkness are not necessarily because I am evil, sinning or unfaithful...merely part of the voyage:

A few years back I went through an especially dark season of my life. I faced many difficult challenges, and I felt depressed and overwhelmed by heavy burdens.

At church one Sunday, I looked around at all the happy families singing hymns and tasting of the love of God. I wanted to feel the same way, but something felt physically wrong with me.

I had felt the Spirit in the past, but I had been unable to for some time. As in Lehi’s vision of the tree of life, I felt as if I were completely surrounded by mists of darkness—I couldn’t even see the tree (see 1 Nephi 8:2–24).

When the sacrament prayers began, I closed my eyes and reached out to Heavenly Father, pleading for assurance of His love. I asked Him why I couldn’t taste of the fruit of the tree of life.

As I pondered Lehi’s dream, I had a piercing realization. “Why haven’t I remembered this before?” I thought. Traveling through mists of darkness is a completely normal part of God’s plan. He allows us to experience difficulties from time to time so that we can completely depend on Him and His Son. The key is to cling to the iron rod. I still saw myself in mists of darkness, but I had hope. (rest of article below)**

I have always been one to want to do God's will: in theory, at least :).  I fall a bunch, but I do it.  I tend to be a bit "do or die" about it, though, and His lessons tend to be in a different direction lately.

Following are some articles and videos that have taught some deep lessons.

Lesson #1: I am the pruner.  You are the bush.  Trust me.  It will hurt, but trust me.

Lesson #2: Sometimes you have to go in a drastically different direction for that fine tuning you want.
Violins, Me and Fine Tuning

Lesson #3: Sometimes you have to just do it differently.  Let God show you the direction.  You may be feeling like you are "pulling in empty nets" but try it my way-- just where you are at,--and you will see miracles!

(I listened to this "in passing" from some Bible videos I had playing for the younger kids before church.  I wept as I listened to Christ tell them to "cast their nets on the other side."  A coincidence?  No. A message.)

Then Tova was playing this for the kids when I "happened" to join them.  Coincidence again?  You get the picture. Hopefully I am getting it!!

Lesson #4: You need to change.  You need to grow.  And you need to trust me.

I have always read Jacob 5 in the Book of Mormon from the view of the trees representing many people: tribes and nations.  This morning, I was the tree and the parable took on new meaning.

 4 And it came to pass that the master of the vineyard went forth, and he saw that his olive tree began to decay; and he said: I will ^aprune it, and dig about it, and nourish it, that perhaps it may shoot forth young and tender branches, and it perish not.

 5 And it came to pass that he ^apruned it, and digged about it, and nourished it according to his word.

 6 And it came to pass that after many days it began to put forth somewhat a little, young and tender branches; but behold, the main ^atop thereof began to perish.

 7 And it came to pass that the master of the vineyard saw it, and he said unto his ^aservant: It grieveth me that I should lose this tree; wherefore, go and pluck the branches from a ^bwild olive tree, and bring them hither unto me; and we will pluck off those main branches which are beginning to wither away, and we will cast them into the fire that they may be burned.

 8 And behold, saith the Lord of the vineyard, I take ^aawaymany of these young and tender branches, and I will graft them ^bwhithersoever I will; and it mattereth not that if it so be that the root of this tree will perish, I may preserve the fruit thereof unto myself; wherefore, I will take these young and tender branches, and I will graft them whithersoever I will.

Lesson #5: I matter.

Lately, I have struggled so much with feelings of self worth, self-doubt. I have plead to heaven: Do I really matter?  Where art thou?  Why is this so hard?  The scripture this morning had double meaning:

It grieveth me that I should lose this tree

I also had the impression that, given the choice, Christ would have suffered, even if it was just for me.  Even if no one else thinks so, He thinks I am worth it.  I know that these feelings of low self-worth are probably from Satan (okay...they are), but they can still feel so real when you are struggling.  During this particular mist of darkness, I needed to remember that when all else seems to be weak and "not enough," He is enough.

He did it for me.  He doesn't give up on me.  He keeps pruning, watching and loving...and refining.

Lesson #6: What lack I yet?  Oh, so much, but with Him as my mentor, we can make things oh so good...even in the darkness.  Hold fast. Hold on. Faint not.

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Rest of the article from above:

As this impression left my mind, I felt a sweet reassurance from the Holy Ghost that my trials would pass. The Spirit testified that Heavenly Father was there. I wiped the tears from my eyes, grateful that I had been able to feel the Spirit again.

I began to immerse myself in the scriptures. I still had many dark days, but I had faith that if I clung to the iron rod—the word of God (see 1 Nephi 11:25)—I would be freed from the mists of darkness. I’m not sure how long it took, but one day I could at last taste of God’s love again. It was like warm sunshine after a long winter.

As I have struggled off and on with life’s challenges, I have remembered my promise to cling tightly to the iron rod by studying the scriptures and the words of the prophets. I know that when the mists of darkness come, I have the tools necessary to see my way through them and the promise of a warm reception on the other side.