Trusting.

Today was fast and testimony meeting, a time at church where we can bear testimony of things we believe to be true.

I was feeling content to sit down and not share my testimony today, safe and snug in my chair, tidbits of Hungarian floating through my head, little phrases I could say if I bore my testimony.

Then, 10 minutes to go, I started feeling it: the slight twitter of heart, the swelling of the spirit...those little signs that I recognized oh, so well.  Heavenly Father wanted me to bear my testimony.

Now, due to past experience in not following that feeling, I knew how I would feel in 15 minutes if I chose not to listen.  And I had my list of reasons not to get up and share! The biggest reason was: I don't really speak Hungarian yet.  The second?  I already tried last month, and do they really want to hear me struggle through it again? Could it really do more good than harm for me to get up again and stumble through another 10, half-formed phrases?

I fought with that feeling, as I have so many times before, and then the phrase came to mind: "Mary, don't you trust that I can do miracles?  Yes?  Well, then, why not now?"

Oh, boy.  I guess that was the clincher.  It now was a matter of trust in what the Lord could do with me, not trust in what I was capable of myself.  I went.

I think I ended up saying something about how I knew it was wonderful to be a father, instead of a mother, like I wanted.  (At least I didn't try to say that it was wonderful that I was a mother!)  I think I ended up saying "I know the scriptures are true" twice.  (I guess you cannot say that too many times.  I just would rather not say it three sentences apart out of 10 sentences total.) I literally sat down and cried in my seat afterward, reflecting upon some obvious mistakes I had made and feeling foolish.

I wonder what the miracle of it was, because it certainly wasn't a manifestation of the gift of tongues :).  Maybe it was something that changed within me, because I think the most common theme of what the member said to me afterward was:  if you could get up speaking as little Hungarian as you do, it will be an inspiration to people who do speak Hungarian, so hopefully they will get up and bear their testimonies. I guess that is a good thing :).

Whatever it was, I trusted, I went, and, seeing what He has done with this imperfect vessel in the past, I know it was enough for Him.  He is satisfied with me, and that is enough for me :).