I have had some serious parenting lessons learned lately.
#1 Step Back
One is that I need to step back and let my children feel the Spirit teaching them consequences. I speak the truth, reminding them of whatever thing they have done wrong, and then let them feel the Spirit teach, guide or rebuke. Sometimes, I just need to tell them I love them and the Spirit will do the rest.
Now, this runs very, very counter-intuitive to what I believe I must do: show or make sure the kids know what the consequences are for wrong behavior. They hit their sibling, they are in time out.
I have noticed an odd phenomenon, though, over the years. The one who is being "defended" by my disciplining will almost always turn to the disciplined one to comfort them. Almost always. That is a lot of times. And the one being disciplined typically turns resentment towards the victim. I hate it!
Case in point of why I need to step back more: yesterday, Papaya hit Spooner for something, I know not what. They were playing with blocks. Spooner(3) came down the stairs, wailing with older, defending sibling in tow, explaining her view of the situation. Papaya was called forth by the mother, issuer of discipline. As I looked at the defensive and angry bundle of emotion that was Papaya (5) sitting on the stairs, the injunction of the Spirit came (as it has so many times before): tell her you love her.
Unlike so many times before, I did just that.
She melted, wept, said "sorry" to her brother, who quickly forgave her and they went back to playing...all without the typical repercussions. Hmmm...
As I write this, the scripture: "reprove betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Spirit..." comes to mind. How sad that I have only held back my sharp reproof when moved upon, rather than vice-versa. Hmmmm...
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#2 Obey God
This lesson has been harder.
I have had a challenge with my kids with two behaviors that can really be summed up into one problem: disobedience.
One child will apparently deliberately put off what I tell them to do or do it their own way.
Another child will move forward with the heart-felt intention to obey, but will get easily distracted in very noble causes. Can I tell you how hard it is to get frustrated with a child who will not finish cleaning the kitchen because he is making his little brothers squeal with joy? Somehow, I manage.
Anyway, let's now look at me. I received the inspiration years ago.... (Yes, I typed that correctly: years ago.) ...years ago to organize, print up and display our ancestors on our wall. I was inspired by Quinn's sister Heidi and her dedication to displaying and researching our ancestors. That tickle was placed there years before the specific inspiration and when I prayed how to act on it, the resulting inspiration was specific. And rather direct.
"Print up pictures (this way). Put them up on your wall (this way). Do it. Now."
Well, I thought that was cool and immediately began reasoning why the way I was shown would be unreasonable and impractical. Surely, I thought, there was a better way. Or that would be silly. Or it would just take too much work.
When I finally "got on board" several inspiration commands later, I started moving forward...and got distracted. And got distracted. And got distracted.
Sound familiar.
Lately, as I have first prayed, "what lack I yet?" and then tried to act on being more obedient and trusting (my answer), I have heard my own admonitions and reproofs to my own children echoing in my head:
--just trust me and do it my way!
--I have stewardship over this house and have a vision of what needs to be done...just obey!
--if you can learn how to just act and not get distracted, however worthy the distraction, you will go so far!
--I know that what you are doing is good (and I am glad that you are at least doing something good if you are not doing what I want you to do!), but the work really needs to get done...so just do it.
As I am finally hanging those pictures I printed up four years ago and have moved...and moved...and moved, my children are helping. Pipalicious (9) looked at the pictures as we were putting them in frames. "Mom, what is his name? I know him." She made several other comments like that:
---"I feel so peaceful looking at them."
--"I want to know more about them."
--"They look so familiar."
Oh, what have I been missing. My compassion/empathy for my "disobedient" children has increased as I have recognized my patterns in them. My desire to be more trusting has increased manifold as I have been the loving parent with a greater vision trying to help my children do what really needs to be done at the moment, however worthy the distraction.
My own sense of "priority" of what is the highest good may definitely be called into question: sometimes I am sure that playing with the littles is more important and this same lovingly distracted 11 year old is one of the most diligent assistants to his father in work projects...so I know he knows how to focus and work!
However, God's sense of the highest good is done from a perfect, loving and eternal perspective: all-knowing in fact. Time to trust.
#1 Step Back
One is that I need to step back and let my children feel the Spirit teaching them consequences. I speak the truth, reminding them of whatever thing they have done wrong, and then let them feel the Spirit teach, guide or rebuke. Sometimes, I just need to tell them I love them and the Spirit will do the rest.Now, this runs very, very counter-intuitive to what I believe I must do: show or make sure the kids know what the consequences are for wrong behavior. They hit their sibling, they are in time out.
I have noticed an odd phenomenon, though, over the years. The one who is being "defended" by my disciplining will almost always turn to the disciplined one to comfort them. Almost always. That is a lot of times. And the one being disciplined typically turns resentment towards the victim. I hate it!
Case in point of why I need to step back more: yesterday, Papaya hit Spooner for something, I know not what. They were playing with blocks. Spooner(3) came down the stairs, wailing with older, defending sibling in tow, explaining her view of the situation. Papaya was called forth by the mother, issuer of discipline. As I looked at the defensive and angry bundle of emotion that was Papaya (5) sitting on the stairs, the injunction of the Spirit came (as it has so many times before): tell her you love her.
Unlike so many times before, I did just that.
She melted, wept, said "sorry" to her brother, who quickly forgave her and they went back to playing...all without the typical repercussions. Hmmm...
As I write this, the scripture: "reprove betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Spirit..." comes to mind. How sad that I have only held back my sharp reproof when moved upon, rather than vice-versa. Hmmmm...
*******************************
#2 Obey God
This lesson has been harder.
I have had a challenge with my kids with two behaviors that can really be summed up into one problem: disobedience.
One child will apparently deliberately put off what I tell them to do or do it their own way.
Another child will move forward with the heart-felt intention to obey, but will get easily distracted in very noble causes. Can I tell you how hard it is to get frustrated with a child who will not finish cleaning the kitchen because he is making his little brothers squeal with joy? Somehow, I manage.
Anyway, let's now look at me. I received the inspiration years ago.... (Yes, I typed that correctly: years ago.) ...years ago to organize, print up and display our ancestors on our wall. I was inspired by Quinn's sister Heidi and her dedication to displaying and researching our ancestors. That tickle was placed there years before the specific inspiration and when I prayed how to act on it, the resulting inspiration was specific. And rather direct.
"Print up pictures (this way). Put them up on your wall (this way). Do it. Now."
Well, I thought that was cool and immediately began reasoning why the way I was shown would be unreasonable and impractical. Surely, I thought, there was a better way. Or that would be silly. Or it would just take too much work.
When I finally "got on board" several inspiration commands later, I started moving forward...and got distracted. And got distracted. And got distracted.
Sound familiar.
Lately, as I have first prayed, "what lack I yet?" and then tried to act on being more obedient and trusting (my answer), I have heard my own admonitions and reproofs to my own children echoing in my head:
--just trust me and do it my way!
--I have stewardship over this house and have a vision of what needs to be done...just obey!
--if you can learn how to just act and not get distracted, however worthy the distraction, you will go so far!
--I know that what you are doing is good (and I am glad that you are at least doing something good if you are not doing what I want you to do!), but the work really needs to get done...so just do it.
As I am finally hanging those pictures I printed up four years ago and have moved...and moved...and moved, my children are helping. Pipalicious (9) looked at the pictures as we were putting them in frames. "Mom, what is his name? I know him." She made several other comments like that:
---"I feel so peaceful looking at them."
--"I want to know more about them."
--"They look so familiar."
Oh, what have I been missing. My compassion/empathy for my "disobedient" children has increased as I have recognized my patterns in them. My desire to be more trusting has increased manifold as I have been the loving parent with a greater vision trying to help my children do what really needs to be done at the moment, however worthy the distraction.
My own sense of "priority" of what is the highest good may definitely be called into question: sometimes I am sure that playing with the littles is more important and this same lovingly distracted 11 year old is one of the most diligent assistants to his father in work projects...so I know he knows how to focus and work!
Iove this. Thanks for the motivating reminder.
ReplyDeletePowerful stuff, Mary. Powerful. Love it!
ReplyDeleteMary, I love your wisdom in this post. It was definitely something that I needed to hear:) Tha is so much for sharing!
ReplyDelete