Curious Workmanship

So, I have two new favorite phrases:"Drops of Awesome" and "curious workmanship."  I cannot tell you how many times today I have thought of the two!

Made pumpkin bread for breakfast for my family after scraping out all the squash I over-cooked last night!--drop of awesome!

Didn't brush my teeth, but did do my hair before frantically running out the door to catch up with my family that was on their way to the bus!--drop of awesome!

Made the bus.  That completely counts as a drop of awesome!

And right now, I could totally be doing ONE MILLION other things, but am here, on the computer, with my two babies in my lap, and trying to smile at them, and not worry about what I am not doing, and just enjoy them before they change.  Complete drop of awesome!  I can do this life, one drop at a time :)...

You get the picture.

Well, this morning, I read a few scriptures (drop of awesome!) in between getting things ready for that frantic bus trip to Budapest and came across the phrase "curious workmanship."  I am quite sure I have posted on this before, but re-learned this lesson and need to write about it...again :).

Nephi has just been instructed to build a ship and his brothers have, literally, been shocked into helping him. (1 Nephi 18:1-4)

...and we did work timbers of curious ^bworkmanship. And the Lord did show me from time to time (not everyday!)after what manner I should work the timbers of the ^cship.

 2 Now I, Nephi, did not work the timbers after the manner which was learned by men,  (he didn't have the internet, poor fellow!)neither did I build the ship after the manner of men; but I did build it after the manner which the Lord had shown unto me; ...

 3 And I, Nephi, did go into the mount oft, and I did ^apray oft unto the Lord; wherefore the Lord ^bshowed unto me ^cgreat things.

 4 And it came to pass that after I had finished the ship, according to the word of the Lord, my brethren beheld that it was good, and that the workmanship thereof was exceedingly fine;

Building a ship was a such a huge project!  And Nephi had never done anything like it before.  Sounds like my life!  Parenting, homeschooling, new country and language...all of which have their times when they feel like huge projects and uncharted territory.  Or, how about, just waking up and dealing with contrary-Maryness? :)

So, a couple things stuck out to me...

-He went to the mount oft...he did pray oft.  (Probably more than just token "checking in" at night :).)
Nephi knew he needed God to help him, so he went to Him more often.  How often do I go to the Lord for real direction?  Like the kind of direction Nephi needed about tools, measurements, and dimensions? ...and the Lord showed unto him great things!

-He did not work the timbers after the manner which was learned by men...and he got something exceedingly fine!  How often do we look sideways to measure our progress instead looking upwards for inspiration of where we can go?  Sometimes, our inspiration causes us to do something that looks a little "outside-the-box" :)...can we have faith enough to act? (Like standing in front of all those Hungarians taking pictures of our family like we were a side-show to the pig slaughtering festival :)? I must confess I waver!)

-The boat was of curious workmanship, and it turned out exceedingly fine.  "Curious workmanship".  Is that the same as "weird"? :)  As I look at my family, we feel a little like "curious workmanship."  I thought of that as we walked through the streets of Budapest today, with people's expressions as dark and gloomy as the weather as they stoicly watched us walk by.  Curious workmanship.  I thought of that with some of the truths that we do in our family, traditions that look just a little different, different from the manner "which is learned by men."

Little phrases.  So powerful.

Drops of Awesome.  Curious Workmanship.

Tender mercies.

Lesson to be learned again, and again, and again...

Do you ever feel like there is something that you just keep hitting your head against in this life...

Some weakness that just seems to stick, or just seems to keep coming back to haunt you?

That's me.

You see, I have this thing called "over-achiever-ness" (I am sure there is a Hungarian word for it...they are always making huge words out of a whole bunch of little ones!  I digress...).  It goes like this:

I sit down with my "list" for the day.  Now, I long ago got over the delusion that this list is going to save me and make me awesome.  My list is just because I walk around in such a fog sometimes, that, if I don't have a little bit of direction, I would walk around the house in a daze with the same toy in my hand, wondering if there wasn't something I was supposed to be doing :).  Anyway, back to this list...

I sit down with my list and try to remember those few things that kept me awake the night before, bugging me that I wouldn't be able to finish them in the morning, or gave me nightmarish glimpses into a future where those tasks were not done.  I am fully aware that I will not get them all done, but know that I will get a lot more done this way and that sometimes, sometimes I have a time in my day when I wonder: "Hmmmm...what should I do next?" :)  Most of the time I just wonder how in the world my kids will be educated more (let alone cleaned and fed) by the end of the day...especially here in Hungary, where it seems like Quinn and I are responsible for everything: church groups, scouting, classes, etc.

Our family's days are full and, for the most part awesome, but I always feel like I am behind!  Maybe it is because every time I leave the house, I am reminded that I am in this foreign country and cannot speak the language :).  I want to get to know these amazing people!  The little tidbits I have been able to scrap together are wonderful...a tantalizing taste for more.  (Well, except for my landlady, but that is a story for another day.  Naughty, Mary!)

There are days that I just want to throw in the towel and feel like, heck! (Yes, I feel that strongly :)...) Let's just go home to the US!  :)  What good are we doing here, Father? 

Like when we are standing at the pig slaughtering and, instead of taking pictures of the pig being flame-roasted in the background, the five photographers there to record the event are taking picture after picture of our family with all these kids.  Sure, I've felt like I stand out a little before, but to have people sitting there taking photo after photo made me feel a little uncomfortable.

Or like when the landlady comes to our house, looks at the mold that we are trying so hard to keep at bay with dehumidifyer, de-molding spray, airing out the house, etc, and says, "All I know is that I never had mold when I was living here.  It all started with the renters before you and now with you guys." (In Hungarian, of course.)  Seriously, woman!  Like we spend all that money on a dehumidifyer and running it, and all that time trying to air out the house and clean it just to spite you!  Nice.

And all that in the same trip where she refuses to sign the papers Quinn asked her to come to the house to sign in the first place. (Residency visa papers for the rest of us...appointment tomorrow at noon, and she refuses?  Does she want us to leave and not have a renter, while her house disintegrates into a moldy heap?!) Anyway, I digress again :)...

So, going back to my challenge, I think it can be summed up in one scripture that has, truly, become my bane and my challenge and my hope:

 D&C 123:17 Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us ^acheerfully ^bdo all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the ^csalvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed.

Cheerfully, eh?  And how do I know how much is "all things that lie in [my] power"?  I am mindful of Elder Eyring's quote but sometimes, it is so hard!  

I have come to deeply believe that it takes great strength to be cheerful.  I have days, when--no kidding :)!--it feels like my cheeks are creaking into a smile, after I think, "Hey, maybe I should smile!  I don't think I have done it for a while" and then try it :).  And this is on days that are pretty good, too.  I still remember the day that I focused on smiling all day and Liliputian said, "Hey, mom...you seem really happy today!"  Uh-oh.  Like it was something unusual? :S

  I never thought of it before, thinking on women and men I know that always seem to have a smile on their face, how strong they must be. Strong not to give into the natural man tendency to wallow, to pity self, to grumble and murmur.  I think we mistakenly anger as being the strong emotion (I know I do!), but to truly be cheerful is a hugely heroic thing. 

I shared the above scripture the other night when the missionaries asked us for some of our favorite scriptures, and one of them pointed out the verse before it:

 16 You know, brethren, that a very large ship is ^abenefited very much by a very small helm in the time of a storm, by being kept workways with the wind and the waves.

The missionary pointed out that the helm is our attitude.  Hmmm...

I just get so discouraged when I see how "small" my "all" seems, in the face of "all" that seems needful to be done!  I know it just takes clinging, with faith, to the promise in my scripture:

...and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the ^csalvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed.

I just needed the big letters to grab my attention and remember that God is big enough to fill my bowl and make the difference. (See "Drops of Awesome"!)

And that, sometimes, it is time to stand still and smile :).

"Does this count for...?"

We have this phrase that I have come to dread in our house:

"Mom, does this count for...?" (Fill in the blank with: my exercise, my dinner help, cleaning the room.)  It just seems to reflect a lack of ownership, and I hate playing the "minimum requirement" game.

We talked about this in our devotional yesterday morning, how there are principles behind what we do in our home, and when we try to fulfill our responsibilities, we are satisfying principles that can give us satisfaction. (Yeah, I know.  I am always shooting for the ideal :).)  Like, when we have a schedule for family exercise, it is not so mom and dad want a power-trip by having the kids do what we want them to do, but it is so they can feel the joy of being healthy at at least one point in their lives and be able to better choose whether it is worth it or not later in life.  And, of course, the deeper principle is that we need to take care of our bodies that God gave us so that we can be happier and also be able to do all we were sent here to do :).

Anyway, after talking to the kids about it, I reflected about how there are many times in my life, in my actions and what I do, when I think along those lines: "Does this count?  If I read my scriptures for a few verses, does that count for my scripture reading?" :)  Guilty!

I read a children's book the other day to my kids (imagine that!) called "The Parable of the Bicycle" based upon the parable told by Stephen Robinson.  In it, it refers to the situation we are all in, wanting (or needing) help to get eternal life, help to get back to live with God,...and we cannot pay that price ourselves.   In the book, he says something about "giving our best" and then Christ will pay the rest of the price.

My problem has always been, how do I know when I have given my best?  How do I know if my offering "counts" for "all I can give"?  Some days I can give so much and do so much.  Other days, it is all I can do to force myself out of bed in the morning and try not to snarl at my kids :S...let alone poor Q-dawg :).  When is it enough?

And is that the right attitude :)?  I wonder...

I love Elder Uchtdorf's talk about "Forget Me Not", and I think he address a lot of ways to help with this dilemma we find ourselves in.  It can just be hard, I think, to see what perfection is, and be content doing what we can, knowing Christ can make the difference, without assuming an attitude of "does this count?", missing out on principles and blessings, and just trying to jump through hoops to get to the end.

Maybe it is when we more fully understand the principles behind the Gospel's list of "to-dos," whether it be visiting teaching, going to church, or reading our scriptures, that we will do those things to fulfill the principle, and be able to recognize more fully when we are satisfying that principle.

For instance, I have felt lately that one of the purposes of scripture and prayer is to help me "be alone with God".  When I think about that as I am doing those things, when I have felt that I have made that connection and have been "alone with Him," I am content, and don't have to worry about "is it enough."  One of the purposes of going to church is to renew our baptismal covenant by partaking of the sacrament...to become clean, remember the Savior, and reconnect with those promises I made when I was baptized.  If I do that, I know that church has been a success, whatever chaos or other things may happen at church.

One thing I like about this approach is that people can honor the principle in different ways, and not worry about comparing or competing.   That is what I tried to bring up with the kids.  It takes the selfish, whiney-ness out of doing what we do every day.  Elder Uchtdorf, in that talk I referenced above, said that "Every person and situation is different, and a good sacrifice in one instance might be a foolish sacrifice in another."  He is talking about sacrifices, but I believe it applies to more than that...it applies to "good, better, and best": what is good, better, or best for one person will look different for someone else.

Anyway...lots of ramblings.  I am tired, and don't know how coherent this came across, but I need to hit the bed, and Q-dawg is waiting to finish his amazing talk for this upcoming Sunday, so I will leave it.  This has just been on my mind a lot, and I find that when that is the case, there is something I need to learn from writing it out...and I have! :)

"I know who I am"

Here is an incredible video produced by some youth in the South Jordan River Stake, shown to me by one of my own youth from Vanguard....love you, Ashley!

I know who I am

It brought me chills.  Our youth are prepared and perfect to meet the incredible darkness and wickedness of these last days.  They are strong, they are good, they are ready. 

Does any robot really try to post things on people's blogs?

Really, after filling out those ridiculously obsure boxes before commenting so many times, I have wondered...

Does anyone know?  I have taken the "confirmation that you are not a robot" step on my comments (I think, anyway), and have not have any contact with either Johnny-5 or ET (although, technically, ET is an alien and not a robot). Okay, R2D2 or C3PO. :)

Follow-up question:  is someone employed to take pictures of number for those confirmation things, or do people just sit around and come up with them for fun?

Just curious :).

The power of Fear

When I can step back and look at how I interact with certain of my children, I often view my behavior with distaste.  Too often I submit to the temptation of anger, manipulation, or coercion.  Too often I act in haste, before giving my actions good thought and consideration, not seeking inspiration for how to act on true principles.

This morning, as I considered this, I realized it is largely out of fear.  As I read in the scriptures about coming to Christ and getting to know Him better, I feel peace and assurance.  When I think of the situations that are creating stress to me at home, I feel overwhelmed and uneasy.  Why this difference? I wondered.  Why, when I think about my children at times, do I feel agitated?  This cannot be right, I thought.

That's when the word came to me, "Fear."  I fear that something I do wrong will drive them away, something I say will change their lives for the worse forever, ...something.  Stepping back from this realization, I can see the lie of it.   True, I have influence upon my children, but they have agency!  As I am striving to be good, erring and struggling, do I have faith that God really will make good on His promises to make our weaknesses into strengths, or do I fear too much?

Do I really think that my influence is greater than God's goodness?

As I think upon the Savior, His grace, power, and majesty bring me calm.  I am assured of His ability.  But, how to keep that with me, even when I am fearful?

I also thought about "fear" today...how it can hold me back when I fear I am not ready for something.  Ready to speak to someone, ready for a class, ready to perform,...ready to get out of bed :)!  As I try to learn the language, maybe I feel like those women I have encouraged over the years to share their feelings and testimonies more often in public settings...fearful!  It is easy to be fearful that we will say the wrong thing, or fearful that what we have to say is just not important enough to be shared, or that we aren't fancy enough in how we talk to make an impression.

I love this video put out by the LDS church about the man who was instrumental in converting Brigham Young.

A Man Without Eloquence

It reminds me that if I just open my mouth, maybe--just maybe!--not only will I be blessed with the confirmation of the Spirit for doing God's will, but maybe--just maybe!--people will understand me, and we will be able to be blessed and strengthened together.  Maybe--just maybe!--I will be what God needs right then, and be blessed to see His Hand in the lives of others through me...be it my children, my friends, or perfect strangers.

So, how to get over our fear so I can be an instrument in His hands?  I like the scripture in John that says "Perfect love casteth out all fear."  One meaning of that, I think, is that if we can love God perfectly, we will not be fearful, but I struggle to be perfect in anything :).  Lately, I have been thinking, though, that maybe it is talking also about God's love.  It is perfect, and, if we welcome it into our lives, then maybe--just maybe!--it will drive out that fear. :)

Sore muscles and Mountains to climb

I have recently started exercising again.

I make my kids do it before they eat lunch, so I better do it, too, right?  Now that I can?

Anyway, after going through Q-dawg's recommended exercise program for the week, I was sore.  Soooooo sore.  By Friday, I wasn't sure more exercise was what I needed, but, no.  Q-dawg, the resident expert, assured me that going on a jog would actually do my tight, sore calves good.

On faith, I left the house and began running, and lo, and behold!  It was true!   They were feeling better.  Better, in fact, the further I went!

As I reflected on this peculiarity, it made me think about spiritual muscles...how there are times when we feel so tired, sore and achy that we just want to call it good.  However, sometimes, it is the going out and still doing good, even when we are aching spiritually or emotionally, that brings greater growth and strength...and makes us feel better!

I was still thinking about this apparent contradiction when I heard this new song from the new Youth Theme for 2013, "Mountains to Climb":

Part of the chorus goes like this:
"Give me mountains to climb, give me rivers to cross;
 Give me mountains to climb because I know it's taking me higher than I've been before."

While it is true in my own life that my trials and mountains have taken me higher than I've been before, I must confess that I balk at the climb, at times :).  I also hesitate to ask for things that make me stronger...kind of like praying for patience?  I never do that, because then God will give me ways to practice being patient :)!

As I thought about this, I was reminded of the talk by President Eyring when he talked about asking God for a trial to make him better...and then he got it!  He said the following (in a talk that was titled, ironically enough, "Mountains to Climb"):

I heard President Spencer W. Kimball, in a session of conference, ask that God would give him mountains to climb. He said: “There are great challenges ahead of us, giant opportunities to be met. I welcome that exciting prospect and feel to say to the Lord, humbly, ‘Give me this mountain,’ give me these challenges.”¹

My heart was stirred, knowing, as I did, some of the challenges and adversity he had already faced. I felt a desire to be more like him, a valiant servant of God. So one night I prayed for a test to prove my courage. I can remember it vividly. In the evening I knelt in my bedroom with a faith that seemed almost to fill my heart to bursting.

Within a day or two my prayer was answered. The hardest trial of my life surprised and humbled me. It provided me a twofold lesson. First, I had clear proof that God heard and answered my prayer of faith. But second, I began a tutorial that still goes on to learn about why I felt with such confidence that night that a great blessing could come from adversity to more than compensate for any cost. (April 2011 address)

Perhaps one of the reasons that trials are so, well, trying is because they expose our weaknesses--UNCOMFORTABLE! :)  I want to be like the song above suggests--it is so peppy and full of truth!  It makes me want to have faith and hope and happiness in the idea of welcoming and embracing the trials that come my way...I just feel like such a coward at times :).  Stretching those spiritual muscles when they still ache from the previous experiences takes a lot of faith!

Yet, through these trials, as we discover these weaknesses, we can find our strengths:

 Ether 12: 27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their ^aweakness. I ^bgive unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my ^cgrace is sufficient for all men that ^dhumble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make ^eweak things become strong unto them.

This brings to mind something the Goob had us watch for devotional the other day. (I love these little strings of "ah-hahs" and connections...feel free to tell me your own if you read this and have some...I love it!)  One minute and totally worth it!

The Greatest!

Through our trials we may realize that we are not  the greatest hitter in the world, but, in fact, we are the greatest pitcher in the world :)!  For instance, I may not the be most coordinated person in the world, but I am pretty darn good at cleaning up messes!

Piano Guys and Inspiration

"Don't only practice your art
But force your way into its secrets
For it and knowledge
Can raise men to the Divine"--Beethoven

The Piano Guys: Beethoven's 5 Secrets

When I look at this video, and think of all the passion, sacrifice and work that went into the art exhibited by this one cellist...When I think of music, and how it brings me closer to the Divine,...I am inspired.

And I love being inspired :)!

The following is a link to an interview with The Piano Guys (it also explains why there is a cellist among the Piano Guys :)!).

Interview with "my boyfriends" (as Q-dawg puts it)

I finally purchased one of their electronic cds since I had listened to it enough times on you tube to warrant buying it for myself.  I figure, I should support the artists that created the music that I love so that they can make more :).

Growing up and following advice...or not!

I have noticed that when my kids hit nine, something seems to happen. 

They keep coming to me for suggestions and recommendations (which I often will turn back to them with a "what do you think?"), but, all of a sudden it seems, they almost inevitably chose to do something other than what I recommend or suggest.  As Liliputian started doing this, I wondered at it...why?  I wouldn't mind so much if they didn't insist on still asking me what I thought or what I recommended, even though they don't choose to follow it most of the time.

As I thought about it more, it made me think of two other "stages" it seems we go through:
-a two, when the child realizes that they are not just an extension of their mother, but have an identity distinct.  This leads to the "all about me" phase, "me this!" or "me that!" or "mine!"  It also leads to the realization of will: that they can choose to not do what the parent tells them to do...simply because they can. (Not one of my favorite things :S.)

-a young adult, or young married person, when someone is starting off and their own, determined to conquer the world, and the advice of parents or other elders seems to fall on deaf ears. (I think I was one of these :)...)

I have heard it said that when a child becomes a teenager, it is another time of separation, similar to what happens at two.  Having already come to the realization that they are physically separate from their parent, they now are more aware that they can choose to be completely separate from their parent, an awesome and scary realization.  It seems to be a time where they want to explore the range and scope of their new-found uniqueness, discovering how their choices affect them for the good and bad.  Some children are content to follow the advice of parents and elders, and learn from their mistakes; others feel compelled or simply the need to figure things out on their own, for themselves. 

I wonder if the young adult experiences this same feeling?  Now they are "locationally" separate from their parents, and can choose to learn from those who have gone on before, or they can choose to figure it out for themselves. 

I tended to fall into the latter category, although I will listen. :)  I wonder if these are stages, or simply that people are different, some choosing to learn from others, and some choosing to figure it out on their own.

There is much to be said about learning from personal experience, but to be able to learn from others while still maintaining your identity is truly a blessing :).  Maybe that is why some children choose to so blatantly go against the advice of parents? ...because they feel the need (rational or no) to be separate from their parents so they can figure out who they are, even if it is by doing things that bring on bad consequences.  Then they can figure it out for themselves.  I wonder...

Mysterious passages revealed...

I just thought this was so cool!

It occurred right after Oliver Cowdery and Joseph Smith received the Aaronic Priesthood and baptized each other:

 74Our minds being now enlightened, we began to have the ^ascriptures laid open to our understandings, and the ^btrue meaning and intention of their more ^cmysterious passages revealed unto us in a manner which we never could attain to previously, nor ever before had thought of.

 How amazing it would have been to go back to the scriptures after being baptized and receiving the priesthood and seen a marked difference in your ability to discern truth and understand the scriptures!

Do I take that for granted, the gifts I have been given to increase my understanding of the scriptures?  The Priesthood in my home?  My baptismal covenants?  God truly does want us to learn and grow!  My kids have asked before why we pray before each class...it ends up that we pray several times a day this way :).  I tell them it is so that the Holy Ghost can increase our capacity to discern truth, remember it, and apply it.  I know that the Holy Ghost can enlarge our memory.  I just need to trust that what I get is enough and not worry about what I am not remembering and go forward in faith...

...even with tired mom-brain :).

I still remember sitting in a Thomas Jefferson Education seminar when I had four little kids six and under (Isaak was in heaven at this point), and having them tell me that education was a life-time ability, and that I had a mission, unique and specific to me and my talents.  A mission, granted, that included motherhood, wifehood and sisterhood--all with a little flair that was "Mary-ness", with my unique set of talents, weaknesses, and abilities.  Kind of like a quilt :).  The motherhood, wifehood and sisterhood are the quilt--very general in definition; my personal way of doing it, embracing it, and creating it are the pattern of the quilt.  I have had people be disparaging about "missions," claiming that the pursuit of such is a competition with our "other" roles.

I disagree.  I believe discovering our God-given mission includes those roles.  It was as I have pursued my talents with my family, seeking to inspire and include them, that I have found an increased satisfaction with my role as a mother.  It became less generic, less like trying to figure out what "the right way" was.  It was as I asked myself, "what can I do to serve my family and learn at the same time?" that a whole new world has been opened to me!  Pursue what you are passionate about...with your family.  It looks a lot different than an exclusive, "all-about-me" ambition that I see in the lives of so many women...like what they are happy and passionate about (you know, what "fills their cups") has to be distinct from their roles of womanhood.  Why not include it?

For instance, I love art...love to do it!  However, my time doing it is a little limited :)...not to mention the potential mess. Yet, I have tried (and am still trying) to draw, sketch, paint and even have little art classes with my kids, knowing that my role as a mother is not only to meet immediate needs, but to inspire them to try things.  It has been mainly when I am drawing next to them on my own project that I see them get excited about it and try harder to do something more with it.  When I welcome them into the project, not shut them out, worried that they will mess it up or are "competing" with my desire to create, my ability to mother increases, as does my ability to pursue a talent.  Cool stuff!

Similarly, with my piano playing, when I have tried to put in a little more practice time here and there, showing a struggle in trying to master a piece, or playing to fulfill my own needs, my kids see the patience, struggle, and joy that come with piano playing and their time on the piano increased.

However, when I seek to find fulfillment outside my role as a mother, it feels wrong...for me at least.  I pursue learning in politics because I want my children's freedom to be preserved.  I study to inspire my children and be able to teach them in their homeschooling...woohoo!  Love to learn!

Anyway, I digress, but I know that the presence of the priesthood and the Spirit can increase my capacity, and that I can find satisfaction in my role as a mother as I explore my unique ways of being a mom and inspiring my family! :)

Why Wait?

In Joseph Smith History, I read about how Joseph Smith was taken to see the plates, but then was told he had to wait (verse 53).  Why?  I wondered?  Was he shown so that he could see something to keep him going?  Something to confirm the words of the heavenly messenger?  Why not just show him in four years when he can get them?

Or was it so he could have a vision of what was in his future?  Maybe he wasn't ready at the time, but needed to have that vision so clear in his mind so he knew what he was preparing for?

It led me to think: What things do I get a glimpse of in my future, but then need to wait?  Is there a necessity of vision, even if we have to wait?

When we first got "a vision" of coming to Hungary, I was ready to go.  "Let's do this thing!" I thought.  "If this is the 'next step', then let's get going!"  Well, it was a long year later before it happened, but Joseph Smith had to wait for four years!  My patience felt stretched to the limit just for one year.

But now, as I type, I think of other things we catch visions of, but need to wait.  Q-dawg and I had almost a full year of unfulfilled anticipation before we found out we were expecting our first child...not a long time, of course, by the standards of anyone--especially those who wait for years, or who wait for the next life.  I don't pretend to compare myself to them and the extremity of their unfulfilled longings, but we had a long year of hoping and dreaming of that vision we had created of parenting, and it wasn't easy.

People wait for years or (again) until the next life to find someone to marry, yet in the church we create that vision of family and marriage in spite of that.  Vision.  What is it about vision?

Is it to keep our course fixed in the direction it needs to be?  What about those times when it is the vision that keeps us going in a direction, only to find out our preparation in that direction were actually getting us ready for a vision we didn't forsee at first, but our preparation was perfect for that unforeseen vision?

What do we envision for our lives now?  What visions has God given us of our future or of the future of our family?  Are we working towards it?  Do we yearn for it, as we did for our first child?  But, then, do we have the patience to endure?  I think that is the hard part...living true to a vision, but needed to keep living it, day in, day out, year after year.

I feel for Joseph :).

The step into the darkness...

I am always amazed at how much our morning devotionals seem to really be for me...far more, it seems, than for my children.

Take this morning, for example...

We watched a little clip to go along with our faith month:

Elijah and the Widow of Zarepheth

I was touched that it was after the woman gave her last bit of oil and flour (beautifully done in this clip!), that the miracle happened.  It was so little to offer the prophet of the Lord, but it was all she had...the widow's mite.  She had to take that step into the darkness, that step of faith that was the choice between getting a little food for her and her son before they died of starvation, and watching with a desperate hope this stranger eat that bread, clinging to his promise that seemed so unbelievable...

It reminded me that what I have to offer is enough...in this beautiful little house in a place where I cannot speak but a little.  It reminded me of the story about the one-armed champion...that our one move is all we need, when it is all we have to offer.  So do I have the faith to keep acting?  Keep doing those little things that seem so small, and be content that it is enough?  Keep putting Papaya in time-out, hoping that someday she will learn; keep trying to be patient with a son that keeps arguing,...keep trying to find ways to be what he needs and what I need to be when the path looks so dark; keep cleaning, keep getting up in the morning, keep trying to learn a language that seems to be like a cloud of confusion in my mind.

Those baby steps seem so small, and yet so formidable when they seem to need to be repeated over and over again!

With these thoughts lingering on my mind, I went to attack the huge pile of laundry in the bathroom.  I brought in the laptop so I could listen to something while I worked (advice from a friend!).  Perusing quickly through the conferences, I was drawn to Elder Uchtdorf's talk at a women's meeting last year or the year before.  You really need to listen to it, hear his voice and have the spirit of truth touch you and to remind how valuable are those little things we can do, even if it feels like the last of our cruse of oil and bit of flour:

Awesome Uchtdorf talk

  It was my "time alone with God" today, as He reminded me, through the voice of His servant, of how much He loves me, how I need to be easier on myself, and how I need to find more delight in the small things...and keep taking those steps into the darkness...

Time alone with God

As my husband and I got ready to start doing a Mutual night for our youth, we checked out the new theme for the year, "Stand Ye in Holy Places."  They have a video about some youth from Ghana to go along with it:
Video with new youth theme

In one part of the video, they show Elder Uchtdorf (truly one of my favorite people!) saying: "We need to find time to be alone with God."

That really struck me!  Alone with God. What a beautiful and intimate phrase.

It connected really well with my recent scripture reading, as I slowly make my way through Joseph Smith history.  Joseph tells how, after the first vision--as the light departs--, he has no strength.  I had also recently read in Moses 1:9-10 how Moses, left to his own strength, is weak and cannot arise:

 9 And the ^apresence of God withdrew from Moses, that his ^bglory was not upon Moses; and Moses was left unto himself. And as he was left unto himself, he ^cfell unto the earth.

 10 And it came to pass that it was for the space of many hours before Moses did again receive his natural ^astrength like unto man; and he said unto himself: Now, for this cause I know that ^bman is ^cnothing, which thing I never had supposed.

I wondered about this...could it be because it wore them out to be with God?  Or perhaps, feeling God's sustaining power, both Moses and Joseph felt the difference not being in God's presence?

I thought about the verse a little bit earlier in the JSH reading, where the churches draw near with their lips and with their hearts draw far away from Him?  Do they lose their power and potency because they are not near God and therefore are not sustained by His power and presence?

What about us?  Do we feel a difference in our power and potency when we are near God, as compared when we are not near Him?

Does His presence in our lives also sustain us, like Moses and Joseph Smith when they were with Him?

It brings me back to the original video I mentioned, and Elder Uchdorf''s words: "We need to find time to be alone with God."

Where is that sacred place where we meet with God every day?  Do we meet with God everyday, or is it just a casual relationship?  I find myself just going through the motions too many times!  Do I really approach my daily scripture reading and prayer as though I am on holy ground?

Of course...there is the ideal and then there is life :).  This morning, getting up a little earlier, per my goal now that we are moving ahead in life, I still had a little bundle of Hava on my lap as I studied.  "Can this count?" I pled heavenward :).  Hava talked and snuggled the whole time, and my attention kept wandering, but my heart was there :)...and I could feel that God knew it.

Now, if I can just flee to the tabernacle of His presence throughout the day, as I get weary, stressed, or frustrated.  I find that I have unrealistic expectations (who doesn't?) and judge myself harshly, whether it is when I drop a bowl and make a mess, or look at myself in the mirror :).  I find that this judgment is largely what causes these daily frustrations, and wondered, this morning, about the scripture "judge not that ye be not judged"...again.  I wonder if, because my mind is all ready to judge myself harshly, if that is why I get short-tempered with my kids so easily, or with messes or other situations?  Perhaps if I tried to be a little gentler with myself, that gentleness would spread?

Time alone with God will probably help :).

A poem that I memorized years ago drifts through my head as I strive to create this presence of God in my home and be more gentle and kind (like the Mommy Bunny in my last post :)...) to my children:

Give me patience when tiny hands
Tug at me with their small demands
And give me gently and smiling eyes
And keep my lips from harsh replies
And let no fatigue, confusion, or noise
Obscure my vision of life's fleeting joys
So that years from now, when my house is still
No bitter memories, its rooms will fill

(I don't know the author--sorry!--but probably could if I tried harder, but there it is!)

It's funny that I should be typing this as my little Papaya tugs at my arm and whines, with little Spooner laying across my lap.  The room is in disarray from Pipalicious and Hava doing dress-ups and pretend while the older people of our household are all away with their father playing soccer for exercise...the latest favorite.

Patience, time with God, Mommy Bunnies, gently smiling eyes...

...deep breath :).

Kindness and the Glad game, as taught by two personal classics...

The Country Bunny
I have a children's book called "The Country Bunny"...and something about little golden shoes.  It is one of those books that I have kept around over the years because it keeps teaching me things. I don't like a few things in it (if you ever read it and want to talk, I'd love to), but there are some messages that just keep teaching me every time I read it to the kids.
It is truly a personal classic.

So, lesson for this week from the Country Bunny.  Story in a nutshell: this bunny wants to grow up to be one of the five Easter Bunnies that deliver eggs, but "ends up" having 21 little baby bunnies instead. As they grow, she teaches them to work in the little cottage, each taking an area of stewardship over which they show joy and do well,..."and there is never a cross word at the happy cottage."

Well, the Grandfather Bunny (who also picks the five Easter Bunnies, who are wise, kind, and fast) learns about all she has done with her children, and how there is never a cross word in their cottage.  He says something that really stuck the last time I read it, "...then you must be very kind."

I thought about this, how the kindness of the Mother Bunny affected the fact that there was never a cross word at the cottage.  It struck me how much of the words and attitudes that my kids use when they interact with each other are a reflection of my own interacting with them--however justified I feel when I am not being kind!

I have focused this week on being kind--truly showing kindness in how I treat them and how I act towards them, and I have already seen such change.  No fair! :)  Does my example have to really be that powerful?   :)  Ahhh....ownership of responsibilities.  I need to look at the good, flip side of this to say, "Wow!  My example is really powerful!"

I believe it was really a true observation (however fictitious the story) that the Grandfather could link the fruits of happiness in the household and between children with the kindness of the mother.

Pollyanna
I think many people have seen or heard of the Disney movie "Pollyanna."  It is fun and sweet.  However, when I saw it on the reading list for 14 year olds in "TJEd for Teens", a leadership education book for youth, I was skeptical.  It seemed too, well,... honestly...naive.

My daughter and I are reading the lists together, as part of our Vanguard group/scholar phase plan, and put it under our month that we are studying the role of God in society and the role of religion.  I didn't realize how perfect and how powerful it was, until I finished it.

The movie is really true to the book, with some slight aberrations, but nothing that took away from the essence of the book, so if you have seen the movie, you will have the basic gist of the book.  However, the book gave more examples about how the "Glad" game really changed the lives of people.   I loved the variety of hard, real situations that were affected by the glad game, and knew, in my heart, (as I first doubted then believed,) that it was true.  To find ways to be glad about whatever situation we are in truly changes hearts and changes lives.

The application really hit home as I was emailing a friend about our holidays, how there were things we missed here in Hungary, but, knowing it was just a couple years, it was no big deal to me.  Then the thought occurred to me that if we really could see how short this life was in the context of eternity, would our attitudes and perspectives change about our trials that we are having?

If we could really see that things were more fleeting than we realize, would we hold onto grudges, concerns, or limitations? Hmmm...food for thought.

I have also played the Glad game so much since finishing the book...really, without intending too.  When a child comes up to me with a concern, I have to stop myself at first from rambling off all the reasons to be glad, knowing that we all need validation and to be heard :).  And, I also realize as did Pollyanna, it is also easier to see how others can be glad, than to see it for ourselves when we are in a situation that is hard. 

However, just reading the process Pollyanna goes through in all these situations of seeing the good and changing people's lives is like a personal training book on "how-to be GLAD!"--something at least I could use more of :).

AH-HAH!  Avot thinks our family is up to doing a Shakespearean play, bless her heart.  As I memorize my lines, one just struck me with a possible deeper meaning.  Romeo is lamenting a lost love (not Juliet) right at the beginning, but I thought the advice from his cousin, Benvolio (me) applies so well to what I have been thinking about:
BENVOLIO
    Be ruled by me, forget to think of her.
ROMEO
    O, teach me how I should forget to think.
BENVOLIO
    By giving liberty unto thine eyes;
    Examine other beauties.
  

As we examine "other beauties," giving our eyes liberty to look for the good, we will be much better off, just as Benvolio counselled his cousin.  However, we have to give our eyes liberty, and not fixate on the problem...which is what I tend to do :S. 

I just love connections.

Motivational story about working with weaknesses

I got this story from one of my awesome youth!  Love it...it's worth posting on my blog, it's that good :).
 
A few years ago, a Japanese teenager lost his arm in a car crash that killed his mother.  He was involved in a prestigious Martial Arts group at the time. Shortly after the crash, the Sensei of this "Prestigious"  group dismissed him because of this injury. He was crushed, he had loved his martial arts, now it seemed his career was over. His loving father, seeing that he was depressed, found an old retired Sensei that would be willing to teach him.
     This Sensei taught the young man one move, and had him practice it over, and over, and over. The young man questioned his father "why is it, that this old man has only taught me this one move? And why does he insist on me learning it so well? I will never be great! I will never show my potential if I never learn other moves!" His father told him, that even though he was learning only this one move, he had a wise master, who knew what he was doing. So, this young man continued to take his martial arts from this old Sensei. A few months later, he asked the Sensei "why is it, that you have only taught me this one move? And why do you insist on me learning it so well? I will never be great! I will never show my potential if I never learn other moves!"
      His Sensei smiled. "Some things are not for us to know right now, or soon, sometimes we must trust in the wisdom of those that have gone before us. This move is all you will ever need."
     So, he continued on with his training, always practicing his one move, and hoping that his master was right. Soon the national martial arts competition would come, and this young man found that his Sensei had recommended him to the competition, and he had been accepted, he was thrilled! Now was his chance to learn something else, surely his master would agree, if he was going to compete, he would have to know something else.  He asked, his master responded "Trust, I know what is best for you, This move is all you will ever need."
     He continued to practice his move, trusting in his Sensei's wisdom. It seemed impossible that he would ever gain the championship he had always desired, with only one arm, and only one move, he felt that he could not do it.
     The competition came, he was placed in the ring, the buzzer sounded, and the match was on, he waited, waiting for the moment he could use his move. It came. he used his move, and had his opponent pinned, he had won his first match of the championship, with one arm. He continued in the competition, winning every time, with his one move, his move. It came to the semi-finals, then to the finals. He asked his Sensei one last time if he would teach him one last move, his Sensei responded.
    "This is the only move you will ever need" With that he pushed the young man toward the ring. He stepped in, blood pulsing though his stressed out veins. This was it, honor or disgrace. The buzzer sounded. he could feel the bruises forming on his face and body. He waited, and waited. Then the opening came! he pulled his move, his opponent pinned. He, a one armed young man, had one the Championship with one move.  He asked his Sensei, "Why is it that I could win with only one arm? And why was it this move let me beat the best of the best in all of Japan?"
     His Sensei chuckled, "The only way to stop that move, is to grab the left arm."
Ether 12:27 27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

I love this story.  It reminds me of the cracked-pot story that I love, and reminds me that God can work with anyone to do miracles :)!

My "covering of eternity"

I have learned a few things about myself amidst the tender mercies of the week.

As we were heading into town one day last week, I felt out of sorts, uncomfortable, unsettled...whiney.  My darling husband asked if I had anything I wanted to talk about, asked if something was the matter.  As I talked to him, not sure myself what the problem was, the mess that was in my head became more unravelled and clear.

So, tender mercy number 1: a husband who cares and persists in finding out what is the problem.

While talking to him, I was able to see that a large part of my uneasiness has been a little lack of predictability in my life...

...you think?

Let's see...a few moves in the past year, the realization that renting can be a nightmare depending upon your landlord (which makes our situation here feel unstable still), a different culture, a new baby...

Now, I am a creature of habit and comfort.  I can have many children, knowing that I have a system, a pattern of life, activities and rituals that work  (more or less :)..) to help meet the many needs and demands of all of us.  In our house back in the states, before all this transition started, I knew I would wake up on Monday, be able to plan the week for the most part, and know that things would more or less work out.  I could look ahead and figure that those Mondays would be pretty much the same for the rest of a given year.  I knew that by 9 in the morning, the house would be more or less put together and we could start on a school day.  I love that predictability!  Yes, we would have a crazy Saturday or weekend or week, but things more or less fell into a pattern.

Here?  No way!  I am still trying to make sure we have food from one week to the next, not able to currently depend upon my recovering body to make sure that there is food for my children and husband to eat.  So I am feeling a little out-of-sorts with a lack of consistency.

My dear friend Lynda warned me of this feeling of being displaced.  She told me that she always cried for the first month or two in a new place as she moved around with her military husband.  I appreciate her viewpoint, knowing that this, too, will pass.

However, it has made me think about the need that I have for patterns, for routine.  I like to know more or less what to expect, or at least that I have a chance at meeting the basic needs of my large family.  I have, I think, learned to roll with many of the punches that come with having 10 (now 11) unique sets of personalities and needs under one roof.  Yet, here I am.  "They" say: "the only thing constant about life is change."  But is it?

Second tender mercy: daily scripture study...and a Heavenly Father who knows when I will be reading what, when that daily scripture study doesn't happen :).

The next morning, after having this theraputic conversation with my hubby, I read in the Book of Abraham about Abraham's experiences in his early life: father who wanted to ritual sacrifice him, friends being sacrificed, move after move...not even knowing where he would land.  Talk about unpredictability and being out of your comfort zone!  And he went to lands where he knew not the language as well...lands where they even would kill him to marry his beautiful wife!

I read the following scripture...Abraham's comments after the Lord instructed him to move a second time due to the wickedness around him.  He could have whined, complained that if God knew they were going to be wicked in that place, why did God have him move there?  But no, these are his words:
Abraham 2:16: Therefore, ^aeternity was our covering and our ^brock and our salvation, as we journeyed from Haran by the way of ^cJershon, to come to the land of Canaan.

"Eternity was our covering and our rock and our salvation."  Now, I am sure "eternity" could mean many things--I don't claim to be a scriptorian.   However, it struck me that Abraham saw beyond the frustration of his transitory existence, living in tents and moving about.  He clung to the covenants, the eternal covenants God had made with him in the verses above that--the Abrahamic covenant.

It made me think about what eternal things in my life will never change, that will always remain constant, uncontrolled by anyone, but my choices:

-I can be forgiven and find inner peace
-Families are eternal in nature
-I will go home to live with God after this life
-Jesus Christ is my Savior, has suffered, and will always know how to succor me
-I will always be a mom
-God always, always knows what is going to happen, and He loves me, and knows what is best for me: whether it be a life of relative peace and contentment, or a life like Corrie Ten Boom in a concentration camp

It gave me a great sense of security, of constancy...

I can have my "covering of eternity" give me my comfort zone,even in times of great transition.

God wants me to do...what?

We watched a segment from the life of Christ as put on by the LDS church about the beatitudes this morning during devotional.  It struck me how humble each of the beatitudes are, as well as the fact that they are all a pro-active choice to make in a given situation.

So, knowing that like Enoch, I want to walk with God, I did something I haven't done for a while in my pouting...

...I asked Heavenly Father what He would have me do today.

His answer?

"Lift up your face and be joyful."

The answer came immediately after my silent thoughts to the heavens.  It must be an answer because it was totally unlooked for...

...how can it feel like such a hard thing to do, when I have so much to be grateful for?

The wonder that is your life...

My thoughts have dwelt a great deal upon the power of gratitude in any situation since we have come to Hungary.  For some reason, whenever my thoughts start drifting off into self-pity, it seems like most of the time a barrage of positive thoughts and reasons to be grateful.  (There are always the moments where I wallow, of course, but for the most part, it has been an interesting phenomenon.)

This thought has crossed with another thought I have had...the miracle and wonder that each life is!  As I look at the blogs of friends and family and ask about the lives of those I haven't been in touch with as much or don't hear from so much, I hear so often the same general statement: "Oh, you know.  The same thing pretty much every day."

It reminds me of a statement towards the beginning of the most recent Joseph Smith film ("Prophet of the Restoration"), made in the voice of his mother: "There is nothing remarkable about the early life of Joseph...we basically just lived."  My thought last time I watched it was: But what was that like?"

So often we fail to see the wonder of our lives...the lives we live every day.  We fail to see what makes it different, unique, and marvelous.

This morning, for devotional, we watched the following short clip on the Mormon channel, that went right along with this thought:

Thanksgiving Daily

I read a book, another personal classic that I brought, called "The Seven Wonders of Sassafrass Springs."  It is a beautifully written, relatively short youth fiction about a young boy obsessed with the wonders of the world.  His dream is to visit them...or at least something away from his little town of Sassafrass Springs.  His father challenges him to find seven wonders in Sassafrass Springs in 7 days, and promises that he will send his son to Colorado to visit a relative if he can.

The book unfolds wonderfully, as this young man discovers the wonder in the world around him.

I wish everyone could see the wonder that is their life.  I wish they would share it more, like all the women that I have spoken with over the years, encouraging them to share their testimonies, their lives, their personal experiences that seem mundane to them, but can be so uplifting, inspiring, and unique to others.

I think the first step to seeing the wonders that make up our daily, "mundane" existence is cultivating what President Monson calls "an attitude of gratitude."

After watching the above short clip, the Goob remembered another one, wherein random people on the streets of New York City share a variety of grateful responses to one simple question: What are you thankful for?  It is short, but full of sincerity, humor, and humanity...my favorite kind of thing!

In the Spirit of Thanksgiving

So do it!  Share the wonder that is your life with others!  Sometimes, it is through the sharing of something seemingly "un-wonderful" that you discover just how awesomely unique, special, and worth sharing your life is!

(Side note: I loved looking at the intensity of the people's eyes as they shared their feelings...wanting someone to really listen. So cool!)

Stewardship thoughts

It has been an interesting thing, this renting business.  As I moved from one place to another, and have felt what I perceived as "limitations" in using other people's things, I have learned a great deal.

A little background: we bought some of our own plates and dishes, not to mention a microwave and some other bigger items, when we moved to our new rental house in Biatorbagy.  I felt relief the first time using them, feeling freedom from responsibility to others in caring for them (and replacing them, if needs be).

However, then the thought came, "but what of Quinn, who worked so hard to provide the money for this item...are you not beholden to him to take the best care you can of these things?"

And, then, I came across this scripture in my scripture reading this morning:

 D&C 136:27 Thou shalt be ^adiligent in ^bpreserving what thou hast, that thou mayest be a wise ^csteward; for it is the free gift of the Lord thy God, and thou art his steward.

As much as I felt chafed by this whole rental arrangement, it has helped me more fully feel what it means to be a steward over something, verses full ownership.  It has helped me realize that all the things I have are truly gifts of God, turned over to me for temporary stewardship, and I am accountable for my use (or misuse) of them.  As I clean up the house extra well, be more mindful of things that could break or be scratched by misuse, or try harder to keep markers out of Maia's reach :)...it has been cause for more reflection on my part.

Now, my mom has always taught me through example that people are more important than things.  As grandkids have accidentally broken things that are very precious to her, she has lovingly consoled the grandchild first, and then, if she has mourned, she has done it in private.  The child comes away knowing it was special to grandma, but they learn that they are more important to grandma than any object.

So how to balance this?  Right now, I am trying :) to lovingly teach responsibility to the kids, a respect for others and their things...not just "jumping through hoops to keep someone happy," like my first attitude was.  I think it has also shown me a principle behind this teaching--this principle of stewardship and accountability to the Lord who also loves us more than things, but also expects us to be "diligent in preserving" what we have, so that we can be "a wise steward."  And I always like it when I am acting on principle...it is more sure.

This whole concept is a little new to me, but has made me be more humble and more mindful of the care I take of things--from the brand-new microwave, to the holey, dirty socks that I am washing by hand and putting a little more effort into keeping nice and whiter.  Acting on principle is definitely more rewarding than out of grudging obligation, but I think I will have to continue to think about how to balance "stewardship" and "charity" in our house...

Funny international item from my dad...

I got this from my dad, who saw it from his friend on Facebook.  I loved it and love the humor things like this (and people like Quinn!) do to brighten our days :)...enjoy!

"Mary,

I thought you would get a kick out of this. For a little background, John Halleck (a co-worker for many years from the Computer Center) lived a number of years in Greece, so he knows the language some.  Anyway, this is a recent posting he made on Facebook:

John Halleck
Yesterday, when leaving work, I encountered a very old frail Chinese man wearing a baseball cap. On the front it said "μολὼν λαβέ"
This is a very famous, very defiant Greek expression. When Persia asked the Spartans to lay down their arms, surrender, and give tribute, king Leonidas is claimed to have said this. The English translation is (more or less) "Come and take it!".

I asked the Chinese man if he know what it said. He said "No, is it French?".

Only in America."

How does God answer YOUR prayers?

Before I get into this, I want to tell you one of my favorite children's stories...

(And when I say "favorite," I have about one hundred such favorites...I'll share the list sometime :). And, yes, it is 3 am in the morning where I am, but since I can't sleep, I'll put something into writing I have been meaning to do for a little while now...)

It's called "The Happy Dromedary," as told by Berniece Frescher.

"Millions and millions of years ago, when the birds and beasts first came upon the earth, the King of the Animals said "Go and look throughout the land and find a place to live--for you may make your home wherever you choose."

The leopard and the tiger chose to live in the leafy jungle.  The bear and the wolf chose the cool, shady forest.  The rabbit and the mouse chose the grassy meadow. And the birds chose the trees and the air above the earth in which to make their home.

Not many creatures wanted to live in the hot, sandy desert.

But when the dromedary went out into the world to find her place and came to the desert, she said, "This is where I want to live.  Here in the beautiful desert--where the eye can see from horizon to horizon--where there is no sound but silence...and where no snow falls to chill my body and no cold winds blow to weaken my bones."

But, in the beginning, the dromedary, also called camel, did not look the same as she does today, and when she tried to walk upon the desert, her feet sank into the sand.

So the dromedary went to the King of the Animals and she said, "Oh, Great King.   I want to live in the beautiful desert where the sky is as blue as the blue, blue sea, and where the morning sun turns the hills of sand from pink to gold.

"But my feet are so small that when I try to walk upon the desert they sink into the sand and I cannot go far.  Please--would you make my feet bigger?"

"As you wish," said the busy Animal King, adn the great King changed the dromedary's feet--making them large, and flat, and floppy.

And the dromedary was very happy.

She went back to the desert.  Now she could walk upon the sand PLOP--PLOP--PLOP! went her large, flat feet.

But the way was far between the water holes.  And soon the dromedary became hungry and thirsty.

So she went to the Animal King and she said, "Oh, great King.  Now I can walk upon the sand, but the was is far between the water holes, and I soon get hungry and thirsty.  Please, would you give me a large hump on my back to store food and water?"

And the tired King said, "As you wish."  He gave the dromedary a large hump on her back to store food and water.

And the dromedary was very happy.  Now she could walk upon the sand with her large, flat feet--and she could go long distances without food or water.

But the other animals laughed at her.

"Look at those funny, floppy feet," said the goat.
"Look at that lumpy hump on her back," said the horse.
"Look how UGLY she is!" cried the tortoise.

The dromedary was very sad.

She went to the King of the Animals again. "Oh, great King," she said. "Now the others call me ugly, and they laugh at the way I look.  Please change me back to the way I was before."

And the Animal King said, "You came ot me and asked for large, flat feet to walk upon the desert sand, and I gave them to you.  Then you asked for a large hump on your back to store food and water, and I gave you that.  Now you come and ask me to undo all that I have done--that even I cannot do."

The Animal King turned away. "Go," he said. "I have much work to finish.  Do not bother me again."

The unhappy dromedary hung her head.  She went away and hid from the other animals.  She wouldn't eat--she wouldn't drink.  She just sat and thought.

More than anything else, the dromedary wanted to live in the golden desert, but it made her sad when the others laughed at the way she looked. After much thought, she finally decided that she must go away and find a new place to live.  Her head bent low, she plodded slowly back to the Animal King.

"I am sorry to trouble you again, great King, but I must leave the beautiful desert.  I cannot be happy there where everyone laughs at me."

The Animal King looked up with weary eyes. "Dromedary," he said, "no other animals was clever enough to think of the special gifts that you thought of for living in the desert.  You must not leave, for you will be a most valuable friends to the people who one day will come to live there."

Then the tired King closed his eyes and for a long while was silent.  Just as the dromedary had decided that he must have fallen asleep, the Animal King opened his eyes.

"Hummmmmmmm--I have an idea.  I'll just make your neck longer and push back your nose a bit--that should do it."  And when he was done, he told the dromedary, "Now go and live in your beautiful desert--and be happy."

When next the dromedary met the other animals, she lifted her long neck high.  Her chin went up and she sniffed.  She pretended that she didn't see the others.  At first, the animals laughed--but then a strange thing happened.  As they stood looking up at the tall dromedary, one by one, they stopped laughing.

"How very proud she looks," said the goat.
"And so important," said the horse.

"She is important," said the tortoise.  "No other animal can walk as far across the hot desert without tiring as she, or travel as many days without food or water."

"My," sighed the animals, "how great and beautiful she is."

And so it is, with her long neck stretched high, and her chin tilted up toward the sky, the happy dromedary walks across her golden desert--

PLOP--PLOP--PLOP!

********************************

Now, like with all fables and allegories, it has its faults, but it has stayed on my bookshelf over the years for various reasons.  Like all classics, I have learned many lessons from this one, and, the last few times I have read it to my kids here in Hungary, the following has really stood out.

In the story, the dromedary has a dream,...she has a vision of her "mission" you could say, and what she wants to do...live in the desert.

So, she approaches the Animal King to help shape her so that dream will come to pass.

Her entreaties are met with answers, and she finds out that those answers didn't look exactly as she had planned...or at least she seems to get discouraged at some point with the result of those answers.

It has made me think.

Over the years, Quinn and I have prayed for various things for ourselves and our children.  Some of them are probably familiar to other parents: that they will get along, see the good in each other, seek to serve others, come to love God and trust Him, see the good in themselves, both now and as they can become...etc, and etc, and etc. (I love "The King and I" :)...)

Anyway, I have seen so many good things in our little family already, just being in Hungary for a month.  Maybe our "cultural adventure" (as Quinn puts it) in Hungary, as different looking as the camel was strange to the other animals, is an answer to so many of our prayers over the years.  I know that I have heard many times about people getting answers that don't look the way they expect, and have experienced the same thing as I...as though I really have the perspective to fix my own problems the best way!

Of course, God wants us to be pro-active in seeking solutions and opportunities, much like the camel had ideas for meeting her challenges.  However, so many times, the answers we seek only come through taking paths we didn't expect,...and trusting God.

For instance, I used to pray for patience.  I stopped that a long time ago...not because I was patient, but because it seemed that whenever I really and sincerely prayed for it, all of a sudden there were in front of me so many ways to test my patience to make it better.  Not so fun :).

However, the more I trust that God truly knows the best way to answer my prayers, to make me into that mansion C.S. Lewis talks about in the quote at the bottom of this blog, the more I become the camel, capable and content to be where I was born to be, serve who I can serve, and become whom God sees I can become...uniquely and beautifully so.

I love children's books :)...

Emotionally...done.

Been a hard day.

Not because of things around me...

The kids have been sweet and mindful. Quinn is, of course, wonderful and helpful.

It's just me. 

Emotionally tired, with no emotional reserve to meet anything...

A woman in my old ward once said that, if she was to be in a pioneer company, she would have wanted to cross the plains with me..."because you are so strong." ("Built for hard labor" as it says in "Ever After"...)  I just keep going.

And I do.  I keep going.  I feel the fruits of work, see the chaos that happens when I choose not to, and feel the joy of being "anxiously engaged."  However, I guess the events of the last week combined with just being 38 weeks along in a new country, trying to maintain has just finally sapped my reserves.  And, maybe it's just "my time of the month" :), eh, Quinn?  Sometimes, I get tired of being strong. :S

For instance, this morning, as we were lumbering quickly to church (well, I was lumbering), I thought, "There is no way I am going to run for a train today.   I will be an hour late to church...I just cannot make myself lumber any faster right now."  So what happens?  The train pulls up a few minutes early, and we get to hurry.  Fortunately, Quinn ran ahead and stalled his way on, so I could cross the tracks and get on. Without a fast lumber. Normally, I can just mentally push myself and do it.  Not today, apparently.

All through church, if anyone was slightly nice, the words to a hymn even remotely applicable to me, or, really, if a crayon fell on the floor and I felt too overwhelmed to pick it up, it seemed to open the floodgates of tears.  Awesome womanliness :).

During Sunday School, we talked about being like the Savior, and the teacher asked the question, "How can we be like Jesus?"  Of course, it was in Hungarian, so I wasn't going to reply aloud and disrupt the flow by having someone translate for me, but it made me think.  I came to the conclusion that, to truly be like Jesus, it is to find out the will of God and to do it.  Think of Gethsemane, and that poignant plea to heaven, "Let this cup pass,...nevertheless, not my will, but Thine be done..." Was there ever a more defining moment of the Savior's ministry than at that moment?

It made me think about bending my will to His, and how, sometimes, it is soooo hard.  But, just like Peter returning to his nets and being called back to the work of disciple, this life is truly a matter of making our wills coincide with His.  (See the amazing talk by Elder Holland at http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2012/10/the-first-great-commandment?lang=eng.  I love to listen to it, because his voice is so moving!)

But then, as I was thinking about how emotionally done I felt at that moment, the next verse in 3 Nephi 27 that caught my eye said something like, "whomsoever doeth this, shall be lifted up at the last day," and I realized...we don't lift ourselves up.  In a very real sense, I saw myself very literally being lifted up to meet my Maker, much like a babe in arms, a very imperfect, a very needy babe in arms, and brought to be with Him.  It is a totally dependent phrase, and reminds me of one of my favorite songs of all time,..."I can only imagine" by MercyMe.

I can only imagine

I know that this moment will pass, that my cup will be replenished.  I have experienced the calm after the storm before, and know it will come.  (The sun will rise, right :)?) However, in this moment, the words of "Where Can I Turn for Peace?" are such a comfort:

1. Where can I turn for peace?
Where is my solace
When other sources cease to make me whole?
When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice,
I draw myself apart,
Searching my soul?

2. Where, when my aching grows,
Where, when I languish,
Where, in my need to know, where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?
He, only One.

3. He answers privately,
Reaches my reaching
In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend.
Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching.
Constant he is and kind,
Love without end.

Text: Emma Lou Thayne, b. 1924. © 1973 IRI

It's amazing how much these words can reach us..in our reaching.  I am so grateful for the hymns, grateful for tears that cleanse, grateful for power naps,...

...but, truly, grateful for one who knows.

"And the sun rises!"

One of my favorite moments in all the movies I have watched is when, trapped in Helm's Deep by hoards of evil creatures bent on destroying humankind, the King of the Rohirim (sp?) makes the critical decision to charge out to meet them, facing certain death.

He doesn't know what the end will be, but, inspired by Aragorn, he decides to meet it with courage.

As he charges out, calling out to his dispirited soldiers and sounding the battle horn in defiance of that evil, he sees the first rays of the sun, and says one of my favorite lines of all time...

"...and the sun rises!"

I have thought of that moment, that beautiful gift we are given each day that offers such hope to me.  I love the feeling of charging out to meet whatever overwhelming forces may lie before me..."and the sun rises."    I love the newness of each day, the lightening of soul that comes with those first precious rays of the sun, and the promise of hope that each day brings with it.

That line gives such hope and faith to me, and I cannot tell you how many times I have heard that clarion call in my head in the morning with the sunshine pouring through my window...  "and the sun rises!"

Now, I may have it worded wrong :), and the sequence of events in the movie a little askew, but it is the message of hope, strength, and courage that come with it that inspire me when the days can seem so dark or overwhelming.

And the sun rises!

Things that last...

In D&C 132:12, the Lord tells us that "everything...that is not by me or by my word, saith the Lord, shall be thrown down."  Just think.  We work on things that we think are important, that we want to last, whether it be a house decoration to bring beauty, joy and peace to the home, a job that makes a difference in providing for our family or "makes a mark," or say things that we think are important and want people to listen to...not to mention the millions of other things we do that we tell ourselves are meaningful.

Just think...if we are doing it on our own, and not in His name, it won't last...it won't make a difference in the long run.

How awesome it is that we can seek to know His will concerning us, even in the seemingly little things of our day, and know that it matters...from exercise, to service, to the way we look at people around us.  We can make a difference and be working with Him in His glory.

******
The end of the Doctrine and Covenants seems full of promises of things that truly last, and I thought about why that might be.  Joseph Smith and the saints have been surrounded by the unpredictable, the terrible, the worldly as they are driven about, persecuted, starved, and uprooted time and again before the exodus to Salt Lake.  How reassuring it must be to Joseph Smith, a man who has seen his children die, his friends betray him, the things he sets up (banks, temples, etc.) seemingly either come to naught or left behind to find out that, having lived his life in accordance with the will of God, he matters.  What he does will last.

It particularly struck me the words of the Lord concerning marriage in the covenant of the Lord in section 131: "And in order to obtain the highest (degree of glory in the celestial kingdom), a man must enter into this...covenant of marriage; And if he does not, he cannot obtain it."

That's it.  No equivocation.  There is no other way.

It made me think, first, about how everyone will have that chance.  He would never say that unless everyone would have the opportunity to enter into a meaningful covenant with someone, whether in this life or the next.  Of course, if someone chooses not to, essentially turning away from His gift out of choice, that is their choice, and He will not force them.

However, it made me further think, why marriage?  Why not baptism or something else?  Then it struck me, it is through the bonds of marriage that we are able to enter in that wonder of creation with the Creator--bringing souls into existence.  That is God's work and glory...it's what He does!  Day in and day out (figuratively speaking in His timeless sense), He is involved only in this: to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of souls!  To be properly sealed gives us the legitimacy to procreate, participating in a god's work and glory!

How do we regard this supernal gift?  How is it portrayed in society...on the screens?  He has given all His children the opportunity to show how they treat this final step, this essential characteristic of godhood, in this life,... and how do we treat it?

Worlds without number, children without end...

[Fortunately, I don't think I will need sleep at that point, so that will be nice :).]